Recovery Humor
Addict and Alcoholic
What's the difference between an addict and an alcoholic?
Either will steal your wallet, but the addict will spend all night helping you look for it.
Addict Dating
How can you tell when two addicts are on their second date?
They're pulling a U-Haul behind their car.
Stoned
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stoned stranger standing in the pouring rain asks for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a stoned stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn't-it's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on a holiday and those two stoned guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark: "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing" the stoner replies.
The Toilet
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and sqeezes the hell out of my balls," replies the drunk.
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop wringer bucket!"
Sponsor and Newcomer
A sponsor and his newcomer were at a meeting when the newcomer suddenly collapsed, went into cardiac arrest and fell to the floor. The paramedics arrived, performed CPR and brought the newcomer back to life. "My GOD!", said the sponsor. "I thought we had lost you". The newcomer looked up and told his sponsor, "I believe I was actually dead for a short time. I saw a bright light and felt myself basking in the light of my higher power. I'm sure it was heaven. It was an amazing experience!"
"What was heaven like?" asked the sponsor. The newcomer smiled and replied, "Well, I got good news, and I got bad news. The good news is that in heaven they have a huge speaker meeting every Thursday night. All the greatest AA speakers that have passed away speak there". "And the bad news?", asked the sponsor.
The newcomer looked his sponsor in the eyes and replied, "The bad news is that you're the speaker next week".
The Funeral
Drinking buddies of an alcoholic who died are at his funeral. As two of his friends pass by the open casket, one remarks to the other, "Sam looks pretty good in death." "He ought to", rejoined the other, "he hasn't had a drink in three days!"
Two Shots
A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THAT FIRST DRINK!!!".
Gary and Pete
Two alcoholics walk into a tavern at the same time. They step up to the bar and they each order a beer. As they strike up a conversation, they become quite excited:
Gary: Gee, you look familiar. Are you from around here?
Pete: Sure am. Lived here all my life. Grew up over on Truman Street.
Gary: Is that so. I grew up on Truman, What school did you attend?
Pete: I went to North Side Elementary and then Washington High School.
Gary: Same here! This is amazing. I graduated in 1946.
Pete: Now that is something. I graduated in '46 too! My home room teacher was Miss Arnold.
Gary: Well I'll be. Miss Arnold was my home room teacher, too!!
Just then, the phone rang and the bartender answered. It was his wife. "Are there many customers today?", she asked. "Naw", answered the bartender. "The only people here are me and the Johnson twins."
Blowing Chunks
Three guys come into work Monday morning, each bragging about how drunk they were over the weekend. The first says, "I was so drunk Saturday I was blowing Chunks all night." The second says, "That's nothing. I was so drunk that I blacked out, tried to drive home, and wound up spending Sunday in jail." The third then says "Big deal. I got so drunk this weekend that I picked up a hooker, brought her home, and was banging her on the kitchen counter when my wife walked in on us." The first guy then interupts and says, "But you dont understand... Chunks is my dog."
Open Grave
A drunk fell into an open grave in the middle of winter and was calling out, "Help. I'm freezing!" Another drunk wandered by and called down, "No wonder.... you kicked all your dirt off."
The Genie
An alcoholic was walking along the beach when he saw a bottle. He stopped and rubbed it and a genie popped out.
"You have 3 wishes" said the genie.
The alcholic said, "I'll take a bottle that is never empty." Whamo he has a bottle that is never empty and starts to drink. The genie taps him on the shoulder and says, "and what are your other two wishes?" "Oh," says the alcoholic, "I'll have two more like this one."
How Many...
How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one - he holds the lightbulb and the whole world revolves around him.
How many male addicts does it take to change a toilet paper roll?
Nobody knows -- it's never been done!
How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. Grab on and wait 'til the room spins.
LMAO Gina.
Great for this to be the first thing I read when I log on this morning.
It's true about the alcoholic changing the lightbulb. I lived with one the first 18 years of my life, and that's pretty much how it went.
Thanks for a little morning humor. We can all use it. Atlas
Great for this to be the first thing I read when I log on this morning.
It's true about the alcoholic changing the lightbulb. I lived with one the first 18 years of my life, and that's pretty much how it went.
Thanks for a little morning humor. We can all use it. Atlas
I'm glad that made you smile Atlas...I know for me laughter is so good. Without it life would be so boring. I know I didn't get clean and sober to be miserable. It's nice to laugh today. I walk around with a smile on my face most of the time now. Now my life is a total mess mind you but I am doing good. Even with all the chaos going on around me I can smile. Hope you have a great day!!
take care
gi
take care
gi
I smile more too now that I'm clean. Laughter and humor is therapuetic. We need more of it in our lives. Take care everyone.
