Recovery..what Does It Mean?

.First,let me warn you in advance that I will be talking about drug abuse and using specific names of drugs,I also my be refering to suicide.if this language is upsetting to you and your recovery please do not read any further.Thank you.

When I was suffering through my addiction I had no idea what recovery was or what it meant.I did know that I wanted things to change even if it meant suicide.

I realize that my definition of recovery may differ from yours,and maybe there really isn't a universal definition that embodies what qualifies as recovery for the addict.So please keep in mind this is only my view point of what recovery is and is not to me.

I remember thinking that everything would be just fine if I could stop abusing my Oxycontin.My local doctor had me up to 160mgs every 12 hours plus up to 4-5mgs of Oxy IR every 4 hours as needed for break through pain.I found that this would greatly help my physical pain,but not my emotional pain.

I had found out early in my usage that if I broke the time release I could get a rush of euphoria.I thought this was God's answer to my depression.I had really hit a low point in the late 90's.In a one year period I had lost my very good paying job.I was fired because my employer felt I was no longer an asset because of my back.I filed a law siut for wrongful termination(which was eventual settled out of court) I had to file bankrupcy...could only find a pizza delivery job,so I felt like less of a man and humiliated.A few months went by and discovered my wife was having a couple of affairs...which made me feel even less of a man....next few months went by and doctor told me to apply for Social security Disabilty because my back was a mess.My wife filed for divorce and I was forced to move into the basement of my mother's house.

With all that was happening and going on I could not cope with it.My first suicide attempt failed when my Son discovered me in the car in the garage with the motor running.My brother came and pulled me out.This was one of many visits to the Psych ward.Eventually landing in the state hospital for the criminally insane.

There was a few years that I didn't know which way was up or down.I didn't know how feel or act so I just started medicating,and when I say medicating I mean to the point where I didn't know my name.It was so easy for me to get scripts.Every doctor I saw felt bad for my situation and would write me out script after script.I even had a hard time remembering which doctor I needed to see and what drug store to use.I even had 3 of my psychiatrist wrtting me some scripts from time to time.Early on I had discovered by accident how to manipulate the insurance companies to pay for it all and I was off to the races.

At my worst point I was taking 800mgs 3-4 times a day.My sister would come down to the basement to make sure I was breathing.Many times she would put out the cigarettes that were laying on my lap.I still have many scars from all the cigarettes burning through my pajamas,and 2 recliner chairs with tons of burn holes.

Anyway...LOL..I still actually felt if I could just quit taking all those pills I would be fine.It wasn't until my first visit to rehab did I realize how much more there was to this than just quitting.So now I was scared because I really didn't if I was able to change.And that first year of sobriety was complete HELL.I felt angry at all those people at AA/Na. I was pissed off because even those with less clean time were feeling so much better than I was.I relapsed after 16 months.I could not stand the depression and was not successful at finding a siutable anti-depressant.Yet,I was still looking for a miracle pill,wasn't really ready to work that hard.

After my second visit to rehab I realized that AA/Na was not for me.I had found Jesus Christ.I started to understand what it meant to give up my will for God's will.I started to understand what it meant to take the focus off of me and place it in Christ.I was no-longer living for me,but for my Savior.I actually felt gratitude!!! What a wonderful thing to experience.I have felt gratitude so strongly that I break down and cry with joy.

God changed my heart.I never thought I would enjoy church...or reading my Bible..I never thought I would be praying!!! I just surrendered to Him.I was so tired of trying to everything on my own.It's the same feeling I had as a kid.I nevered worried about bills...where I was gonna live....my parents supplied all my needs and I just never thought about any of that stuff.God Loves us even more,so of course He will take care of His children.

I realize that the 12 steps are kind of based on Biblical teachings,but they just fall short when you fail to put Christ as your higher power.It's hard to explain if you have never experienced a relationship with Christ. I do my best to come here without being preachy.I just want so badly for everyone to experience Christ's love that I sometimes over do it.

I was mess...no worse or better than anyone else here.We have all felt the pain of addictive behavior and how it has hindered our lives.Now that you have felt the lowest of lows I pray for all of you to feel the highest of highs.

Recovery.....it's a change of life in progress for me.I took a dual diagnosis program for 24 weeks.I can't tell you how much that has helped me on my journey. I learned....and still am....how to cope without medicating.I no-longer take medications for anything.Doesn't mean I won't support those who do. It's a process and how much we are willing to do for our recovery.

Now just because I went pill free does not mean anyone can.Most pills I was taking was because I wasn't really trying to improve my health any other way.I still deal with pain on daily basis and there may come a time I will need medication again to deal with it,I'm just not looking that far ahead.

So Recovery is many things for me...being able to cope with life in a healthy manor...living a life for Christ....having peace...contentment....joy...being able to live with myself....being able to forgive myself...being happy for who and what I am....And so on and so on....LOL. I think we all know somehow inside what we want to be like....it's having the courage to do it that makes recovery possible.

Keep at it...recovery is worth the time and effort.

Kevin
thats very inspiring................

my dear brother in Christ.................

I LOVE YOU BROTHER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God Bless you................

thumper

dont forget to look for me in heaven...........**wink**
i am gonna give u a big hug
Kevin, you story sounds exaclty like a good friend of mines story..I mean, if I didn't know better, I would think he was you. The problem is he is STILL where you were..god, the whol thing is the same..same time frame, wife problems, basement, drugs..social security..everything..wow..
Kevin..
Sounds like you have a similar theme to mine. I went through a succession of jobs, not sticking around for more that three months. Moreover, I really screwed myself over by shoplifting which means I can't get a job in that field. All due to my stupidity of taking opiates. The police even found the bottle of oxycodone unmarked but didn't do anything about it, Thank God, what a total mess I would have been in for==felony charges. I am tempted to use because I feel so hopeless. My last long term boyfriend was last summer and I do feel so much better being alone.


Deirdre
God bless you kevin
you are so right! surrendering to the care of our Lord Jesus Christ is the answer for me, you and I hope and pray the other still suffering addicts out there know it too.
i have felt the works of Christ in my life ESPECIALLY when i am at my lowest of lows! He sends people to love and to hold me when it is Him holding me!
satan was telling you to go to the garage that day, it certainly wasnt coming from the prince of peace!
God bless you and keep you on your recovery journey, what a wonderful relief to know God is with us! love jewels
It's nice to see you post Kevin. Thank you for sharing that.
Thanks for the responses guys!!...Bullwinkle...I'm sorry to hear that you have a friend who is STILL living a similiar life as I did.If you would post his first name for me I would like to add him to my prayer list.It's people like your friend that often get forgotten about because everyone feels helpless to help him.Everyone I knew basically gave up on me and had gotten use to the idea that I was never going to be Kevin again...All except my Daughter Tina.She never lost hope and constantly prayed for me.I feel it's a miracle that I am alive and doing so well.If God can do this for me,than He can certainly do this for your friend.As hard as it is to see your friend like this,please don't give up on Him!!! You may be the link for His miracle!!

Deirdre...I'm sorry that we have had similiar backgrounds.How are you doing now?? You wrote that you felt hopeless and tempted to use. I wish I were on the board more often,but there are some good people that will listen and give you some advise. You know that using again will only lead to more hopelessness!!! But I understand the pain of depression and feeling alone and feeling like life will never get better.

One thing that sucks is that recovery takes time.Please find a therapist that you can talk with.I found a great Christian therapist and Christian Psychiatrist that have been a huge blessing for me and my recovery.The therapist is also the one that ran the dual diagnosis course that I took.

This board is great,but also limited to how much support we can offer.If you want,please email me at kevinlbishop@yahoo.com. and I will try and respond as soon as I am able.Sometimes it's very helpful to just write down what is bothering you.I would never judge you and would try and be as helpful as I could.Thank you for sharing what you have Deirdre.I will be praying for you.

Hi Jewels...I'm happy that we share a common belief in God.I don't have to tell you all the joy that Christ has given me since I surrendered to Him.I can feel the excitement you have for God just from your response to me.I pray that you will continue to share God's love to the still suffering addict.You and I know we wouldn't be the same without His care.God bless you Jewels.

Hey Cowgirl...It too is nice to see you posting after 3+ years here on this board.I hope all is well with you and your family.Thank you for all your support over the years,I'm sure there are many here besides myself that have benefitted from your insight and your passion to help another addict in need. Thank you and God bless you Lisa.


Thumper...what can I say? Your always around and willing to help others here.Thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder from time to time.It's sure nice to know I have you to lean on when I need it! See ya in Heaven sis!!!


Kevin



Kevin,

Thanks for your beautiful post. I know you don't know me, but your post just helped me tremendously. God is good!

Shelly
Kev- His name is James.

Hey Shelly...I am so happy that my post was able to help you in any way.I am also grateful that you took the time to tell me so,because even though I don't know how it helped you.it brightens my day just knowing that God is working through me to speak to you.Thanks again Shelly and God bless you.

Thanks Bullwinkle....I'll start praying for James tonight.I'm glad James has someone like you who at the very least is concerned about him.


Kevin