This topic addresses issues of sex talk and sex conduct as it relates to recovery. If you do not like to read about this stuff, please skip over this post.
I knew you could not resist reading further <eg>.
Many of the people who read this board, and some of us who post here, have some pretty serious issues around sex. It makes sense from the standpoint of manners and respect for all that we exercise some discretion around this topic. This is yet another nuance of some well established rulesno sponsoring across gender lines, no relationships during the first year, for instance. The core idea is to create an environment that is safe for all of us, including some who may be suffering from serious sexual trauma.
For most of us, sex is a huge trigger. Some of us tend to act out, some of us tend to shy away (act in), but those are just two sides of the same coin when it comes to sex. I have heard stories of women being victimized by sexual predators in the Rooms (the ever popular 13th step). I can personally attest to the fact that there are plenty of 13th stepping cougars out there as well. Neither gender gets to claim the moral high ground on this one.
Sex is an area where many addicts find it difficult to reach a degree of balance. The reason for this is that for many, sex is a huge trigger. Add to the mix that some on this Board are still using, some are trying to quit without the assistance of a program, some are in active withdrawal, many are in deep emotional pain, waiting for their brain chemistry to settle (and this brings about intense moods swings and poor impulse control) some are going to meetings and working steps, and some are trying different methods. This means we are in different places insofar as our triggers go.
I have yet to meet a recovering addict that doesnt have some kind of issue around sex. I have met many that have accumulated years of clean time and relapsed when they got too close to examining their sexual issues. We have trouble in relationships, and we have a tendency to act out or act in.
There is on old story about a sponsee doing a 5th step with his sponsor. The sponsor told him to tell everything. The sponsee responded, I once had sex with a goat. The sponsor responded, You shouldn't have told that! Goes to show that even in recovery we have to be careful about what we say and how we say it. Many social taboos are valid and we have to learn to respect them.
No one here has the right to take anothers inventory regarding past sex conduct so long as it does not cross well established legal limits. Principles of rigorous honesty and inventory taking apply to the work we do on ourselves in our own program, not those around us. Nonetheless, most of us eventually get to the place where we take a look at why we act in certain ways or why we might wish to discuss such things in certain company or in certain terms. This is excellent fodder for the 4th and through 9th steps.
In the meantime, lets remember that this is an Internet bulletin board. It is not a 12-step meeting, but there are certain rules of decorum that have developed. Most folks here try not to raise issues that distract from addiction issues, but it does happen occasionally, and when it does, it is best to let the dust settle, move on, and avoid grudges.
All who have addiction issues are welcome here and no one should feel shunned for committing a simple foot fault in early recovery. If that were the case, I doubt that any of us would be allowed to post here.
Hope this helps. I doubt it will, but I can always hope.
SORRY JUST HAD TO REPLY
SEX ????? WHAT IS SEX?????? LOL
MJ
SEX ????? WHAT IS SEX?????? LOL
MJ
Excellent post, August...perfectly said.
I'm with MollyJean. I THINK I remember sex.
Good post. I think youopened my eyes a little to some things I havent thought of. At the same time, I dont think anyone should ever have to worry about making some brief remark, serious or joking, about sex.
Some times I have heard of people even saying things at NA meetings, where I guess you can say anything, that seemed like waay to much for me to hear, and seemed inappropirate.
But I guess the inappropriateness may have depended on the motive of the teller, and my taking offence might just be my own problem.
But none the less, I think what you said made me think and look and be able to see things from a different point of view.
Some times I have heard of people even saying things at NA meetings, where I guess you can say anything, that seemed like waay to much for me to hear, and seemed inappropirate.
But I guess the inappropriateness may have depended on the motive of the teller, and my taking offence might just be my own problem.
But none the less, I think what you said made me think and look and be able to see things from a different point of view.
Awesome post David. And so true.
