Relapse

Heroin
1
I became addicted to opiates, seriously heroin, about two years ago. This past february I broke down and told my wife that I had a problem and have been working on getting clean for the most of this year. I had 54 days clean before I relapsed yet again... and it's not just the relapse that's the problem. I once again began to lie about it and after one use it was so much easier to use again and again.... This has went on for about a month.

I'm tired of it... I surrender. I know I don't have any control over this and I'm disgusted with myself. I have a lot of good people in my life and don't want to lose what I have to my problem...

I'm not really sure what I'm getting at with this post. I just want to get some of this off of my chest.

Happy Thanksgiving. Yet another day 1.
2
Today is my 90 days clean off heroin, my third time in recovery. I understand where you're coming from, I tried to get clean a million times on my own but I could never do it. If there is anything that I've learned over these past 3 years in and out of active addiction its that NO ONE can do this alone! You may need to check into an inpatient treatment facility. Its the only thing that helped me. You may not want to do it but it really does help. You learn so much about yourself and addiction in general and the group therapy does wonders. If you have trouble staying clean on your own you may want to try a drug replacement program like suboxone maintenance, just to get you back on your feet. Addiction is not the problem, it is a symptom of the underlying problem. See a therapist or drug counselor, it helps to talk to someone who really understands what us addicts go through on a daily basis. Go to meetings. Narcotics Anonymous has really helped me and it is so encouraging and inspiring to meet and talk to people who have decades clean and hear their story and how they did it. If you don't like a certain meeting then check out another. You have to find one that works for you. I wish you the best and remember you can't do it alone! No one ever said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it!! Don't give up!!
3
Thanks.

So I'm actually feeling a lot better than I was when I posted earlier. Work helped. I'm able to maintain decent periods of sobriety, but the worst part of it for me usually comes a couple of months in. I'll either become really wallowing depressed or manic (telling myself that I don't have a problem because look how long I've been clean; I should treat myself!), and I end up slipping. With a clear head I reasonably know that these are symptoms of PAWS manifesting, but when I am in the throes of them, I'm obviously not thinking rationally.

I feel better now that I've had time to formulate a plan. I'm going to look into talking to my MD about an antidepressant to help with PAWS, and I plan to incorporate more meetings.

Does anyone have any experience with any sort of SSRI for the treatment of depression brought on my PAWS?

And, thanks for listening everyone.
4
I tried celexa and it made me terribly sick for weeks. Ive been on buspar for awhile now and it helps me and its not addictive. And the "look how much clean time you have u can do it one more time and treat yourself" thinking.... That is your addiction talking, trying to get u to give in. Remember, one is too many and a thousand never enough. If your truly an addict then you will know that it is impossible to do it "just once", that one time will always lead to another, then another , then another....... Wish you well