Are Resentments Justified?
by Dr Wayne W. Dyer
You hear people say this all the time: "I have a right to be upset because of the way I've been treated. I have a right to be angry, hurt, depressed, sad, and resentful." Learning to avoid this kind of thinking is one of my top ten secrets for living a life of inner peace, success, and happiness. Anytime you're filled with resentment, you're turning the controls of your emotional life over to others to manipulate.
I became aware of how powerful this lesson was many years ago while sitting in on a meeting of 12 people who were in a recovery group for alcoholism and drug addiction. All 12 of those people were accustomed to blaming others for their weaknesses, using almost any excuse as a rationale for returning to their self-defeating ways. On a poster hanging in the room were these words: "In this group, there are no justified resentments."
Regardless of what anyone would say to another group member, no matter how confrontational or ugly the accusations, each person was reminded that there are no justified resentments. You may need to consider whom you resent before you can make your own choice about whether this is useful for you. Resentments give you an excuse to return to your old ways. This is what got you there in the first place!
Why Resentments Are There
You may be familiar with a popular television show called Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? If the contestant answers 15 multiple-choice questions, he or she wins a million dollars. Starting with a $100 question, the person in the "hot seat" answers five questions until reaching the $1,000 level. At this point, the person is guaranteed to leave with something. Then the questions increase in difficulty. If the contestant reaches $32,000, again, there is a guarantee of leaving with that amount. So, there are two crucial levels to attain: the $1,000 level, which is achieved by answering five relatively simple questions; and the $32,000 level, which involves five increasingly difficult questions.
I've just related details about this TV program to present the idea of the two levels that you must achieve in order to have a chance at the highest "million-dollar" level of awareness. The $1,000 level is one in which you learn to leave blame behind in your life. If you don't do so, you go home with nothing
Removing blame means never assigning responsibility to anyone for what you're experiencing. Why do this: If you take responsibility for having it, then at least you have a chance to also take responsibility for removing it or learning from it. If you're in some small (perhaps unknown) way responsible for that migraine headache or that depressed feeling, then you can go to work to remove it or discover what its message is for you.
If, on the other hand, someone or something else is responsible in your mind, then of course you'll have to wait until they change for you to get better. And that is unlikely to occur. So, at the $1,000 level, blame has to go. Otherwise you go home with nothing and are unable to participate at the higher levels.
You must be willing to pass a new test at the second critical level, the $32,000 question, which is the final obstacle you must face in order to move into the more exalted realm of self-actualization and higher consciousness, the million-dollar spiritual level. At this level, you must be willing to send the higher, faster energies of love, peace, joy, forgiveness, and kindness as your response to whatever comes your way. This is the start of the uncrowded extra mile where you have only love to give away.
Someone says something to you that you find offensive, and rather than opting for resentment, you are able to depersonalize what you've just heard and respond with kindness. You would rather be kind than right. You have no need to make others wrong or to retaliate when you've been wronged. You do this for yourself.
There is a Chinese proverb, "If you're going to pursue revenge, you'd better dig two graves." Your resentments will destroy you. They are low energies. And along the extra mile, you'll only meet others who have fully grasped this concept. The ones who haven't made it to this level are all back with the crowd who went out of the game long ago on an easier question, and most are still back there wondering why they keep going home with nothing! But I can assure you that they continue to blame others for their emptiness.
First, you have to get past blame. Then you have to learn to send love to all, rather than anger and resentment. The story is told of the enlightened master who always responded to outbursts of criticism, judgment, and ridicule with love, kindness, and peace. One of his devotees asked him how he could possibly be so kind and peaceful in the face of such disparaging invective. His response to the devotee was this question: "If someone offers you a gift, and you do not accept that gift, to whom does the gift belong?" The answer leads you to the extra mile. Ask yourself "Why would I allow something that belongs to someone else to be a source of my resentment?" As the title of a popular book says, "What You Think Of Me Is None Of My Business."
Stop Looking for Occasions to Be Offended
When you live at or below ordinary levels of awareness, you spend a great deal of time and energy finding opportunities to be offended. A news report, an economic downturn, a rude stranger, a fashion miscue, someone cursing, a sneeze, a black cloud, any cloud, an absence of clouds -- just about anything will do if you're looking for an occasion to be offended. Along the extra mile, you'll never find anyone engaging in such absurdities. Become a person who refuses to be offended by any one, any thing, or any set of circumstances. If something takes place and you disapprove, by all means state what you feel from your heart; and if possible, work to eliminate it and then let it go.
Most people operate from the ego and really need to be right. So, When you encounter someone saying things that you find inappropriate, or when you know they're wrong, wrong, wrong, forget your need to be right and instead say, "You're right about that!" Those swords will end potential conflict and free you from being offended. Your desire is to be peaceful -- not to be right, hurt, angry, or resentful. If you have enough faith in your own beliefs, you'll find that it's impossible to be offended by the beliefs and conduct of others.
Not being offended is a way of saying, "I have control over how I'm going to feel, and I choose to feel peaceful regardless of what I observe going on." When you feel offended, you're practicing judgment. You judge someone else to be stupid, insensitive, rude, arrogant, inconsiderate, or foolish, and then you find yourself upset and offended by their conduct. What you may not realize is that when you judge another person, you do not define them. You define yourself as someone who needs to judge others.
Just as no one can define you with their judgments, neither do you have the privilege of defining others. When you stop judging and simply become an observer, you will know the inner peace I'm writing about here. With that sense of inner peace, you'll find yourself free of the negative energy of resentment, and you'll be able to live a life of contentment. A bonus is that you'll find that others are much more attracted to you. A peaceful person attracts peaceful energy.
Not being offended will mean eliminating all variations of the following sentence from your repertoire of available thoughts: "If only you were more like me, then I wouldn't have to be upset right now." You are the way you are, and so are those around you. Most likely they will never be just like you. So stop expecting those who are different to be what you think they should be. It's never going to happen.
It's your ego that demands that the world and all the people in it be as you think they should be. Your higher sacred self refuses to be anything but peaceful, and sees the world as it is, not as your ego would like it to be. When you respond with hatred to hate directed at you, you've become part of the problem, which is hatred, rather than part of the solution, which is love. Love is without resentment and readily offers forgiveness. Love and forgiveness will inspire you to work at what you are for, rather than what you are against. If you're against violence and hatred, you'll fight it with your own brand of violence and hatred. If you're for love and peace, you'll bring those energies to the presence of violence, and ultimately dissolve the hatred.
When Mother Teresa was asked to march against the war in Vietnam, she replied, "No, I won't but when you have a march for peace, I'll be there."
(continued on next post)
Take what you need and leave the rest.
Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes
Are Resentments Justified ?
(continued)
A Final Word about Forgiveness and Resentment
At the root of virtually all spiritual practices is the notion of forgiveness. This was what came out of Jesus of Nazareth while he was being tortured on a cross by a Roman soldier throwing a spear into his side. It is perhaps the most healing thing that you can do to remove the low energies of resentment and revenge from your life completely.
Think about every single person who has ever harmed you, cheated you, defrauded you, or said unkind things about you. Your experience of them is nothing more than a thought that you carry around with you. These thoughts of resentment, anger, and hatred represent slow, debilitating energies that will disempower you. If you could release them, you would know more peace.
You practice forgiveness for two reasons. One is to let others know that you no longer wish to be in a state of hostility with that person; and two, to free yourself from the self-defeating energy of resentment. Resentment is like venom that continues to pour through your system, doing its poisonous damage long after being bitten by the snake. It's not the bite that kills you; it's the venom. You can remove venom by making a decision to let go of resentments. Send love in some form to those you feel have wronged you and notice how much better you feel, how much more peace you have. It was one act of profound forgiveness toward my own father, whom I never saw or talked to, that turned my life around from one of ordinary awareness, to one of higher consciousness, achievement, and success beyond anything I had ever dared to imagine.
Indeed, there are no justified resentments if you wish to walk along the extra mile and enjoy inner peace and success on every step of the path.
This article is excerpted from 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace, 2001, by Wayne W. Dyer. Reprinted with permission of the publisher, Hay House Inc. www.hayhouse.com
http://www.innerself.com/Behavior_M...n/dyer03273.htm
Bob B.:
I love Wayne Dyer and listen to his audioCD's while driving. Currently, I am listening to "There is a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem." What is this from? It's an awesome message. Thanks for posting it...
Rachel
I love Wayne Dyer and listen to his audioCD's while driving. Currently, I am listening to "There is a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem." What is this from? It's an awesome message. Thanks for posting it...
Rachel
hello, rachel. yes, i think it deserves study.
i learned while my son was in rehabilitation that resentments and unforgiveness are a root cause of using mind altering substances and a huge trigger for relapse.
bringing these resentments to consciousness, identifying them, writing them down, dealing with them, feeling them and then finding ways of removing them and disposing of them was a huge, huge part of the time, energy, and effort spent in rehabilitation.
for me, working on ridding myself of resentments and unforgiveness is a huge part of spiritual growth and a better way of living. they are obstacles to prayer and communication with God.
and you know, i finally came to realize not long ago that Resentments only exist in our own heads. they don't exist otherwise. took a while for that to dawn on me and for me to accept it once it was pointed out to me.
and do they serve a purpose ? not one purpose that i can think of. so why keep them ?
peace.
great post bob! as usual, thank for the 411
Rachel
How are you ? Hope you have a good day. The weather is still crazy huh ? Two beautiful days then this. I would love to hear from you. My e-mail is...fstristar@yahoo.com.
Have a good one
Frank
Good words..difficult to live by..by worth pursuing..thats for sure.
I try to always keep in the back of my mind (when someone is being nasty etc)
THOSE WHO YOU THINK DESERVE LOVE THE LEAST, NEED IT THE MOST
usually people that are putting others down, vengeful etc..what they are really crying out for is the love they didnt receive and are still longing for. I have a Dr Wayne Dyer calendar on my desk and read a "saying" every day to remind me about this and other life lessons. I just bought his tapes as well!
I try to always keep in the back of my mind (when someone is being nasty etc)
THOSE WHO YOU THINK DESERVE LOVE THE LEAST, NEED IT THE MOST
usually people that are putting others down, vengeful etc..what they are really crying out for is the love they didnt receive and are still longing for. I have a Dr Wayne Dyer calendar on my desk and read a "saying" every day to remind me about this and other life lessons. I just bought his tapes as well!
Many people are driven by resentment and anger. They hold on to hurts and never get over them. Instead of releasing their pain through forgivness, they rehearse it over and over in their minds. Some resentment driven people "clam up" and internalize their anger, while others "blow up" and explode it onto others. Both responses are unhealthy and unhelpful.
Resentment always hurts you more than it does the person you resent. While your offender has probably forgotten the offense and gone on with life, you continue to stew in your pain, perpetuating the past.
Listen: Those who have hurt you in the past cannot continue to hurt you now UNLESS you hold on to the pain through resentment. Your past is past! Nothing will change it. You are only hurting yourself with your bitterness. For your own sake, learn from it, and then let it go. The Bible says, "To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, sensless thing to do."
from "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren
This book is AWESOME, and I would recommend it to ALL
Resentment always hurts you more than it does the person you resent. While your offender has probably forgotten the offense and gone on with life, you continue to stew in your pain, perpetuating the past.
Listen: Those who have hurt you in the past cannot continue to hurt you now UNLESS you hold on to the pain through resentment. Your past is past! Nothing will change it. You are only hurting yourself with your bitterness. For your own sake, learn from it, and then let it go. The Bible says, "To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, sensless thing to do."
from "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren
This book is AWESOME, and I would recommend it to ALL
bump
Feelings of resentment and bitterness towards others are not acts of love, this is true, and it also goes against God's will to harbor resentment and bitterness.
In my confessions to God, I ask him to replace it with love for those who hurt me. But, I guess I am not there because I still keep asking, why did they choose to be hurtful?
What about the people who live at the mercy of others? What about the ones who are too weak to help themselves? Is it ever OK to say, "I don't like what you are doing to me." and make a choice to walk away?
bumped for soccermom1
bump
Addiction Relapse Prevention During Traumatic Times: Part 2 - Resentments
James Garrett, CSW and Dr. Judith Landau
Resentments
Over and over again, we are reminded that holding onto resentments will lead us back into addiction. Resentments keep us focused on the negative and let others live in our heads rent-free. When we hold onto resentments we eventually feel like others are controlling us. Our immediate response is that we then need to control others. Holding onto resentments is a loss of freedom, a loss of justice, a loss of self-will, and an act of self-destruction.
The major religions of the World remind us of the importance of Live and Let Live.
Buddhist saying: Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.
Islamic teaching: No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself.
Jewish teaching of Rabbi Hillel: What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow: that is the whole Law; everything else is interpretation.
Christian belief: Do onto others, as you would have them do onto you.
Carrying resentments puts our will back in control. How many times, while continuing to drink, gamble and use drugs, have we thought we were capable of solving the social evils of the world?
The 12 Steps teach us that we are not capable of solving the worlds problems or injustices. We must first get humble, and start making small changes in ourselves, by straightening out our own thinking and our current life problems. Our drinking, gambling, or drug use only adds to world problems. As one recovering person recently stated, My view of justice when I was drinking was to forgive myself and punish those I resented and envied.
Letting go of resentments allows us the freedom to take responsibility for our words, actions, thoughts and feelings.
Put simply in action steps:
Dont gossip
Dont criticize
Dont try to change others
Dont justify resentments
Be gentle and forgive yourself and others
James Garrett, CSW and Dr. Judith Landau
Resentments
Over and over again, we are reminded that holding onto resentments will lead us back into addiction. Resentments keep us focused on the negative and let others live in our heads rent-free. When we hold onto resentments we eventually feel like others are controlling us. Our immediate response is that we then need to control others. Holding onto resentments is a loss of freedom, a loss of justice, a loss of self-will, and an act of self-destruction.
The major religions of the World remind us of the importance of Live and Let Live.
Buddhist saying: Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.
Islamic teaching: No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself.
Jewish teaching of Rabbi Hillel: What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow: that is the whole Law; everything else is interpretation.
Christian belief: Do onto others, as you would have them do onto you.
Carrying resentments puts our will back in control. How many times, while continuing to drink, gamble and use drugs, have we thought we were capable of solving the social evils of the world?
The 12 Steps teach us that we are not capable of solving the worlds problems or injustices. We must first get humble, and start making small changes in ourselves, by straightening out our own thinking and our current life problems. Our drinking, gambling, or drug use only adds to world problems. As one recovering person recently stated, My view of justice when I was drinking was to forgive myself and punish those I resented and envied.
Letting go of resentments allows us the freedom to take responsibility for our words, actions, thoughts and feelings.
Put simply in action steps:
Dont gossip
Dont criticize
Dont try to change others
Dont justify resentments
Be gentle and forgive yourself and others
bob.....i know that we have not spoke alot, but your threads have been an inspiration to me. each time i visit the board, i always look for your posts. i have them printed out and keep a copy of the ones that i refer to when im feeling weak and discouraged, in my purse. i found myself reading them many a times friday, while we were at the hospital having tests done to determine my daughters illness.
i have great admiration and respect for you. hope to talk to you soon...kimber:)
i have great admiration and respect for you. hope to talk to you soon...kimber:)
