So I have been married to my crack addicted husband for 15 years. I am 37 and we have 2 children 6 & 2. The final straw for me was when he wrestled the car keys from me to go and get high and I miscarried shortly after. I was 8 weeks pregnant. I also found out he had been cheating etc. I won't post all the destructive experiences as most of you are familiar with them. It is amazing to me how each addict in their disease feels like they are so unique yet they do such markedly similar things to themselves and their loved ones. Anyway, I finally got a restraining order. "Someone" a few days later made an anonymous call to children's services claiming that I am a schizophrenic, bipolar, alcoholic who neglects and abuses my children. I am now dealing with a social worker, submitted to a drug test, and was granted full physical and legal custody of my children. He lied through his teeth in court and even had his adult son show up and lie. So sad. All it did was make me realize that the choice I made to cut him off was right. For anyone else struggling, I feel that all I could have done better was to cut him off sooner. I have hard days and working full time and supporting my family alone is hard but not as hard as doing all of that and dealing with a raging addict. If he gets better, great for him, if he does not then at least I did not allow my kids or myself to remain on a sinking ship. He has now gone back to his ex who ironically calls me the enabler. I feel like I woke up, when I think of all he has put us through, I am shocked that I put up with it for so long. This disease is contagious and will take over your mind as well as the addicts if you let it.
Wow! What courage!! I can completely sense your relief.
It takes one step to get out of a cycle. That's the time to take a look at it and watch it cycle away from you. Now you can really live, you can really be you!
It takes one step to get out of a cycle. That's the time to take a look at it and watch it cycle away from you. Now you can really live, you can really be you!
Thanks Stewart for your positive reinforcement. I needed it today. (:
Wow? Wish I had 10% of your courage and some common sense right now. Stuck on this rollercoaster and don't have the strength to get off. Sooner or later it will probably crash and I will be the casualty. You are an inspiration to me. Loving an addict is difficult. If I would of known that she is one, I wouldn't be here. Keep posting. Maybe it will rub off on me ! Thanks. ( feel like I'm in the fog.)
Really? I didn't feel courageous, I felt sick to my stomach and scared to death in all honesty. But, I realized that I was not helping him by enabling him either. It was toxic and co dependent. It took a long time for me to realize. Fortunately, I have a couple good friends, family on my side (his mother called me the devil when she found out) and strong faith. You know in an emergency on an airplane they tell you to put on your mask first so that you can help others. If our bank accounts are drained. If I can't pay the rent or my kids grow up misguided then I failed to put on my oxygen first is the way I see it thus allowing us all to fall. I have to be healthy and respect myself. Also, my husband didn't even remember half the time what he did so he had no remorse. He blamed me so in a way, I freed him. My daughter misses him terribly, she is only six. My friend told me, "well, that is why you are the parent. She would eat candy 3x a day if you let her." That struck me. She does not have the capacity to understand fully and for that I am grateful. I do not want to demonize him or for her to see him abuse himself or me for that matter. The old cliche, if you love someone, set them free is true in our cases as family to addicts. If we enable them in any way to continue a destructive pattern, then we are helping them to imprison themselves in the darkness of their addictions. It is not easy, nothing worth it is. But if he truly is meant to be with me, then we both need to learn to love ourselves first. I had to take my own power back. When I read many posts on here, and this was totally me as well, it is as if we are addicted to the addicts the way they are addicted to the drug. One person has to break the cycle. Be well and God Bless you.
I think it's difficult to feel much more than the pain and disappointment. I wonder if i just tell myself that I love my Gf.I Prepared myself to be a family with our 5 month old daughter. Her addiction stole that life away.My ex used to say what is meant to be will be. Never bought it. Spent my whole life basically trying to get things my way. So here I am, lost and never felt so alone. Tears in my eyes thinking I'm a failure. Who knows? Maybe it is all for the better.
@beingme It is absolutely difficult to feel anything other than the pain and disappointment. I totally understand where you are coming from. I too was you with a 5 month old praying and sacrificing and hoping things would get better. And they would for brief moments. What I realized is that this disease of addiction has nothing to do with love. You are not a failure. I was also prepared to spend my life with my husband. I was loyal, faithful etc etc. fast forward 6 years later and another kid, I finally woke up. I wish you could see that the addiction really has nothing to do with you. And if you love your girlfriend then you will honor her by allowing yourself to grieve, mourn, and take care of the precious being that you guys brought into the world. Pray for your gf, hold no resentment but continue moving forward. There is a chance that you guys will make it but it will not happen if you allow yourself to be a victim of her choices or you dwell on what could have or should have been. It is work every day, I know but you are basically saying, I love you, myself, and our daughter enough that I will not accept this way of life for us. I will love you from afar because right now you are not capable of being who you need to be for any of us. And only then will she have to face herself. And guaranteed she will have more respect for you. I was appalled that my husband would retaliate by calling children's services and lying. I expected more. But that is what ultimately led to my suffering was the expectations throughout the relationship. I wanted more for him than he did for himself. I thought, do you want our kids in foster care? Who are you helping? Do you think this is a game? The reality is that he is not in his right mind. He has no idea what he is really doing and instead of hair boring resentment I choose to forgive him and let him go. He wrote $700 worth of checks just before Christmas TO his drug dealer (what kind of dealer accepts checks?) out of my acct with my full name address on them. I was afraid to report them to the police as I found out that dealer is violent and a user himself. But, I went forward with it. I filed a police report. Why should I live in fear? When I asked my husband how I was going to buy Christmas presents his response was "oh, I will get them something in January" total insanity. But to him sounded perfectly fine. Bottom line, @beingme, if I would have stood up for myself a long time ago then I would have saved all of us much grief. I don't regret the time spent as I am much stronger now. However, I wad only delaying the inevitable. Give yourself and your baby a chane. This may be the kick in the a** she needs to get it together. Now that would be marvelous and your dreams may come true. Have faith and be strong. Someone has to. I am here. Thank you for your replies to my posts. I will think of you and wish you well.
Btw @ beingme the pain will dissipate. You have to feel it fully and let it pass. It may take some time but when you move beyond it you will be a better person for it.
Thank You so much. I know you are right. I admire your logical thinking. I'm stubborn and to old for this sh#t. I put my life on hold for all this. Time to get up from hitting the ground and be me again.
Me too!!
So, my husband was born in Europe. Two years ago he was arrested while I was pregnant with our son for being in a crack motel. He was deported. However, he was not sent back. He has been appealing the courts decision as he has been in the U.S since he was 2. Anyway, his lawyer calls me to ask me if I needed any help. I did not respond. Then his sister texts me to say he went to Canada to do a show, he is a musician, and was not let back in the country. They said that basically he self deported by leaving even though he is on appeal. She says that he needs me to make sure his mom gets his $ if it comes in the mail as he is stuck. He is staying with "friends" in Canada. Oh the drama. I told them to go to the post office and fill out a change of address form. I have a restraining order.... Everyone is rallying around the poor addict with no self control or responsibility while his daughter cries for him, I work to support his children by myself and he chose this life by himself. The government says he can not return for 5 years. I feel it will take him at least that long to get his life together if he so chooses. A friend of mine who has been in recovery almost 30 years told me that "it is like a car accident. If you broke all your bones, you would not just get up and walk, recovery takes time." The difference this time is I am not on the phone with lawyers, trying to scrape the money together to rescue him. My daughter and I went to the movies today, we had a great time. The old me would have told her that we would have to go another time as I had to take care of too many things. I would have been anxious, sad, scared, etc. I think of it like he is a spoiled child. If he never had to work for anything, then why would he. He would not know the value of anything. I feel good for trying something new. Thanks God.
@stewart and @being me if I can do it, you absolutely can too. One of my friends told me that it was almost "cultish" to her how I put up with so much bullsh*t. Haha! I would have never thought myself one to drink the Koolaid. She told me that she thinks of him like Jim Jones....once you get it and you will, I believe it. You have to hit your own bottom too really.
Wow you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You're amazing and you finally freed yourself of the grip his addiction had on you. It's really not just them that it gets a grip on! Happy for you and keep that strength! ... @beingme.. I feel as though you and I are in a very similar situation, only im a woman and my son (who is almost 7 months) father is the addict. I feel your pain and im so glad your daughter has you. You will be her rock and she will always love you for taking care of her. God bless you, I know exactly what you're going through =[ xoxo
Social services and this f!#@ed State placed our daughter with Gf mom. Ordered Gf not to live with them but she does. She was charged with mal-treatment and is broke, unemployed, active addict. ( cute expert manipulater) THEY HATE ME BECAUSE I'M TWICE GF AGE. I haven't seen my daughter this year because of alleged bs with useless caseworkers. Apparently I'm intimidating and potential threat to the world because I'm too smart for my own good and manipulative. ( I'm resourceful and protecting my daughter). No patience for lawsuits. No choice. Yes I have documented everything with evidence. Waiting for court. Kazam- your post to me is my inspiration. Thanks. Rollercoaster of emotions - BY PRODUCT OF RELATIONSHIP WITH ADDICT. Sorry venting a bit.
@beingme You have got to take your own power back. It is true that this is a mental disease and our minds are affected as well. We watch these horrifying things happen and it is like we just can't believe it....we are stunned. Don't delay! Report her for living with the baby. But without anger, just concern. Know that your age difference should not be a factor. You were both consenting adults! Your baby is counting on YOU. Do not give the family agency any reason to judge. Do not get frustrated with them. Just stay focused and calm even friendly. Speak with them as if they are colleagues bc ultimately you guys should be on the same team. I know it doesn't feel that way. I had a young girl, a social worker, come to my home after an anonymous call was made against me. She interviewed my daughter and made me take my sons clothes off to check for marks. She went through my home. She gave me some bs about how I should watch my 2 year old because he isn't using full sentences yet. I was appalled but at the end of the day, I am doing nothing wrong. Offer to take a drug test. Ask pertinent questions. Make sure they are taking your baby for vaccinations. Stay in there, you are not the one on drugs. Your gf is so she is being pulled by the drugs so she will not be able to fight if you stand up......
The social worker told me that they would mainly be concerned if I did not enforce the r/o or if I let him back in the house. Let go of the concern for your gf for now and focus on that baby! You and your daughter do not deserve this and you will prevail if you stay calm focused and keep your head above your heart....
Social services won't do anything for me. I haven't seen my daughter this year. Documented her living with baby with police.I have to file a discrimination lawsuit. They think I'm the controller and manipulater. I'm so distraught with the fact all this is happening and the girl I loved is chasing pills, pawn shops and whatever. I'm actually shaking trying to type this. I guess I'm in my own denial that this is happening. But it is. I'm sure enough people have been here too.
I am so sorry @beingme that it's truly awful. I really pray you get to see your daughter soon. Don't give up. It it's such a mess that the addiction creates. I will be thinking of you and praying it all works out. God Bless You. Be well.
