I truly don't know where to start. I have spent hours reading posts, crying, understanding everyone's fears, anger, hopelessness, self-blame etc. I feel like my soul is on an emotional roll-a-coaster ride that won't stop! The worry and stress is overwhelming. I almost didn't post anything on here because I am ashamed to admit that I am helpless when it comes to saving my daughter. My precious baby girl, who I never want to let go of, but fear I have to sooner rather than later.
I was with her father for 19 yrs. A cocaine and crack addict, he was in and out of prison. I would take her to see him believing that she has a right to know her father (something I truly regret now but can't change) I believed she was stronger, would not choose the path he chose, saw where drugs lead you to, but ultimately she did. I worked hard, went to college twice (tried showing my girls that they can do anything they put their mind to) provided a loving home (I thought but she says different). She got on Meth at the age of 15, with the help of local law enforcement and the school I got her into a rehab for juveniles at the age of 16. On one of her weekend home release she went out and got pregnant by 17 she had my twin granddaughters. She was out of rehab, taking great care of the babies, off meth and I believed she and the father of the twins were doing great. I met a wonderful man and thought finally my life is on track. Just before she turned 18 I told her we were planning to move to OK. I told her that she and her family were more than welcome to come. She said her life was there with her family. I moved. A year after moving I get a call from my oldest daughter that Tay was using again and I needed to get back and save the grandbabies. I immediately flew there saw the twins with bruises all over them, DHS was already involved by the time I got there. I was able to keep my granddaughters while I was there but could not take them home with me until OK approved it. That is another story which causes a mix of rage and sadness to brew inside of me, needless to say OK would not approve them coming here. They went into foster care. My daughter has stopped talking to me saying it's my fault the babies are being adopted out - yet both me and my boyfriend passed all the necessary requirements to get them (it was his parent's living with us causing limited space that determined the denial). Two days ago I got word she was arrested for shoplifting wanting me to send pic ID and social ( I had neither as I gave them to her before I moved) again I am the worthless parent. Some idiot bonded her out, I was praying she'd be in for awhile to detox some. I found out yesterday that she has progressed from Meth to Heroin. My fear, worry, and sadness has engulfed me. I thought being in OK at least not having to watch her destroy herself would help but ultimately it doesn't. This runaway mom didn't accomplish anything, I don't know how to save her, don't know how to find her, I am so angry at her yet I love her so much til it is ripping me apart. I love my life here with my boyfriend (except for the parents living with us part) they don't get it and act like I should just be happy with them and pretend like she doesn't exist. I get so tired of hearing about her perfect kids and wonderful grandkids as if bragging to me. I didn't choose this, I want a wonderful family with both my children and my grandchildren too! Now I want to runaway from here, find an escape from this horrible nightmare I can't wake up from. Most of all I am afraid to get THAT call! I don't trust myself that I won't explode, get lost in depression. I just want peace, love, and a sense of a normal life. I don't even know what that is anymore. My daughter was abused when she was young, she has no self esteem, she has lost her daughters I can't imagine the guilt she feels (if any, I don't know anymore) all I know is I love her, I don't know how to stop worrying, stop crying, stop feeling angry. I don't know what to do to help her. I don't give her money, she is now homeless or living from one dope hole to another, I beg her sister to tell her I love her for me. The worst feeling in the world is feeling helpless when it comes to your child. How do your runaway from your feelings?
"How do you run away from your feelings"? You can't. I think we've all tried. The best thing you can do is try and think with your head instead of your heart. We all want to save our kids. You did what you could while she was still a juvenile, now she's an adult and it's completely out of your hands. I'm so sorry that you weren't able to get your grandkids, but you tried. It doesn't matter if you're in Oklahoma or living right next door to your daughter, she will use until she is tired of living that life and makes the necessary changes to her life. You're at least on the right path and are not enabling her. I know how bad it hurts your heart but it is not in your power to change anything.
God bless you.
Michelle
God bless you.
Michelle
I can totally relate and many of our past histories tell the same story except that I am married and have been for 30 years. Our family was an educated one with my husband being a doctor and myself an RN. We have been retired since 1996 now. My 45 year old son is an addict and has been since his 20's. He has lived the typical drug life and has been clean for up to 4 yrs. only to fall back into old patterns. His step father was a good one and tried hard with him(his biological father left with the neighbor when my son was 3.
I have had years of enabling experience and the same feelings and heartaches you have. We have tried everything from rehabs to halfway houses to counseling and on and on, but to no avail. My son blames us and said his upbringing was not good. This kid had many opportunities and even was able to go in the Naval academy but turned it down. He had way too much growing up and our only fault was giving him too much!
It is funny to me how they remember their childhoods so differently than how it really was! I think it is easier to accept their way of life if they can find fault with their childhood or others in their life to blame it on.
I do not have any contact with my son currently and has been so for over 5 weeks. He verbally attacked us and wished we were dead. We refuse to tolerate his behavior any longer and frankly are too old to deal with his lifestyle. He is apparently currently homeless and living in his car with his two dogs. We have QUIT enabling and that is why he was so vicious to us.
We will not help him any longer unless he chooses rehab and then I will only visit--but not take him or arrange it! That is up to him to figure out. Our mistake was not stopping this craziness years ago. We certainly would have a lot more money for retirement if we had!!!
MY advice to you would be--
1. Find peace for yourself and boyfriend and the only way to do that is to stop enabling in any way--no money, no help of any kind, no paying for basic living, gas, food, clothes, etc. If you do --you are just paying for her to continue her lifestyle and habit and probably buying her heroin.
2. Get in a support group like Alanon or Narcanon. They have walked the walk and can help you start living for you again.
3. Get advice or vent on here because this is a great support forum with many seasoned people who care and have good advice.
The one thing said to me that changed my ways was from someone on this forum and they said:
"Do you want to be living like this and doing this till your DYING breath?????"
My answer was--Hell no! Everything changed after that and I am slowly finding myself and letting God take this one!
Hugs and prayers--Lori
I have had years of enabling experience and the same feelings and heartaches you have. We have tried everything from rehabs to halfway houses to counseling and on and on, but to no avail. My son blames us and said his upbringing was not good. This kid had many opportunities and even was able to go in the Naval academy but turned it down. He had way too much growing up and our only fault was giving him too much!
It is funny to me how they remember their childhoods so differently than how it really was! I think it is easier to accept their way of life if they can find fault with their childhood or others in their life to blame it on.
I do not have any contact with my son currently and has been so for over 5 weeks. He verbally attacked us and wished we were dead. We refuse to tolerate his behavior any longer and frankly are too old to deal with his lifestyle. He is apparently currently homeless and living in his car with his two dogs. We have QUIT enabling and that is why he was so vicious to us.
We will not help him any longer unless he chooses rehab and then I will only visit--but not take him or arrange it! That is up to him to figure out. Our mistake was not stopping this craziness years ago. We certainly would have a lot more money for retirement if we had!!!
MY advice to you would be--
1. Find peace for yourself and boyfriend and the only way to do that is to stop enabling in any way--no money, no help of any kind, no paying for basic living, gas, food, clothes, etc. If you do --you are just paying for her to continue her lifestyle and habit and probably buying her heroin.
2. Get in a support group like Alanon or Narcanon. They have walked the walk and can help you start living for you again.
3. Get advice or vent on here because this is a great support forum with many seasoned people who care and have good advice.
The one thing said to me that changed my ways was from someone on this forum and they said:
"Do you want to be living like this and doing this till your DYING breath?????"
My answer was--Hell no! Everything changed after that and I am slowly finding myself and letting God take this one!
Hugs and prayers--Lori
Lori
I agree with you 100%.
Hugs and Prayers Runaway mom. Stay on here. Great support !
Paula
I agree with you 100%.
Hugs and Prayers Runaway mom. Stay on here. Great support !
Paula
Hi, Many a time I felt like packing a bag and running away myself so I understand how you feel. Good thing about coming on here is your not alone anymore. Here you have people like us to talk to. Once a dear woman on here told me that what was happening in my child's life wasn't anything I caused and it wasn't something I could control or cure. Something in my brain clicked that day and I finally stopped blaming myself. It took me 18 yrs to get to this point but at least I got here. I think if I had stopped helping/enabling, feeling sorry for my daughter back then she might have quit using 18 yrs ago. She was 17 yrs old when she started on heroin. I had heard of heroin years before but I thought it was a drug that had vanished in the 60s. I never thought in a million years it was still around and that my daughter would use it let alone end up addicted to it. I was shocked and devastated and didn't know what to do or who to go to for help. There's very little help and none back then. This website has helped me a lot. Hopefully it will help you too! Some go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings also. Do whatever you feel helps you! Look after yourself and good luck to you. I hope things get better. Mary.
( Hi, Michelle, Paula, Lori, thinking of you all too! One of those sleepless nights and I'm burning the midnight oil)
( Hi, Michelle, Paula, Lori, thinking of you all too! One of those sleepless nights and I'm burning the midnight oil)
Hi runaway, I think we can all relate to the statement that we are helpless when it comes to saving our children; unfortunately, we are not saving them and are only hindering their growth when we constantly bail them out. I hope that you are able to attend some Nar-anon or Al-anon meetings in your area. They have some good printed information, but more importantly, you will realize that there are others in the same situation.
I'm thinking of Duchess's post (and others) about the small fortunes we've spent trying to help our adult children, but it is their journey, not ours. The sooner we accept it, the more peace we will have in our lives.
I'm thinking of Duchess's post (and others) about the small fortunes we've spent trying to help our adult children, but it is their journey, not ours. The sooner we accept it, the more peace we will have in our lives.
