Same Old Car With A New Paint Job Stuck In Park

Dear Readers,
Many of you are familiar with my postings re: my long heroin addicted bf.....his recent drug trafficking charge reduced to possession...recently sentenced to 5 years probation with stiff court and probationary fees paid either in cash or thru community service....plus 3 recovery meetings a week and random urine drops...etc.
Of course as with all his past felonious convictions he still maintains his innocence and swears he has been 2 years clean from heroin even tho he was living with a dope dealing friend at the time of his bust who he used to cop from in his 23 yr heroin addiction....citing that his then 24/7 pot smoking kept him from using heroin.....i knew and you guys knew that was all bullditty anyway....but that is between he and his Maker be it God or Satan as i am still maintaining my over 17 yrs clean from an alcohol addiction regardless..
Anyhoo...he has been on probation for 2 months now and initially as the substances drained from his body with it came such a marked emotional upheaval in him....a bit schizoid in nature....that there were times i thought he being stoned before was easier and familiar territory for me to deal with...
Physically he looks great.....he has gained back all that lost weight...his eyes are sparkly clear blue...he has been working out at the local gym 4X a week....very much paying attention to his clothes and personal sanitation....he is even contemplating giving up the cigs eventually....so too the squalid little room he rents in this drug invested neighborhood is becoming unbearable for him to inhabit anymore....but on a janitor's temping wage salary it is all he can afford right now and i ain't taking him back in with me again....
Okay in light of all of the above...why do you dear readers find me feeling skeptical, scared and very overwhelmed....hence the choice of my new Topic Title....cause i have been with this old edsel for 4 yrs now and his recently court-ordered sobriety could just be a new slap of paint on the same rusting old model "T".....or in his case "H"
Suddenly he has all this reality time on his hands and without the substances the days seem longer and as all of his aquaintances had been users or dealers....he suddenly finds himself friendless not to mention that family members have kicked him to the curb as well......and I....whom he has kicked to the curb many times and preferred the substances to me is now the focus of his attention and making over...and frankly instead of feeling wanted and needed i now feel overwhelmed exposed and where do i hide!!!!
He goes to AA meetings....he doesn't like NA meetings and he never had a problem with alcohol although now i notice he will have a beer when we go out whereas before he used to say he couldn't stand beer or booze...I think he doesn't go to NA cause he knows he is lying about his being 2 years clean from heroin and the NA members there would laugh him out of the room if he told them he was living with a dope dealer for 2 years and not using heroin...he leaves right after his AA meetings and doesn't have a sponsor so he doesn't have to tell them the bullditty either....
Now he has big plans for "us" and calls me all the time and i am very lonely but i am feeling a bit smothered by him as underneath that new sobriety is still if not more so. an.angry volatile controlling....bf that still expects i think for me to pick up the slack monetarily...especially now that he has all these court costs and he is being too nice and compliant on the surface and i know that is the usual wind up pitch for his moving in with me...
I try to steer him into finding some new babe in sobriety that has a nice apt and bank acct as he is all pumped up now and handsome and the hovel of a house he lives in reeks of the schizophrenic landlord's unwashed B.O. and the wealth of rotting mice in the crumbling cupboards.....and the dudes that sell crack openly across the street....but no...he wants loony old flabby me (i really am not bad looking...but he has me convinced i am)...
See....he is hoping that if he is a good boy for a year then the judge will cut his 5 years to 1 yr probation (i hope this really gonad busting judge won't tho) and i am afraid he will have reinstated himself in my life once again and wham!! he will be back to his old tricks again...
In AA they say bring the body and the mind will follow....there could be a microscopic chance that my bf could really click with sobriety but he seems more angry and adversarial to me than humble and paranoid of strangers looking at him with combative challenging stares which they ain't.....so i don't know what to do or think and meanwhile my own life is in turmoil and i can't take on a relationship with him or anyone right now until i get some therapy and now that i need space and when he was high he used to give me all the space i needed without complaint.....he is closing in on me and i feel very uneasy..

Sorry i have written a novel here....i haven't posted in a bit and you guys always gave me such sound loving advice when i did.....i just needed to vent a bit...........MARY
Mary, hello. I wont ask how are you doing because I think I know. But I believe you answered your own question THERAPY. It is a great place to start.

I have been attending a co-dependent group, put on through a Celebrate Recovery chapter in my area. It has helped a great deal in understanding myself and the anger and lack of trust that comes with the partner of an addict.

I hope you find peace in your situation and remember that Constant Behavior Over Time is the only sure tale of his freedom from the addiction. And you do have the right to be cautious with your trust and heart, for like you said you know this man and all the past hurts. You are attempting to protect yourself which is okay. But you need to learn how to work thru all of it before you can go on. For you have alot of anger and resentment towards him and the life that the addiction brought. I hope you find a way to overcome the wounds for contrary to what I believed prior to this is that "time does not heal all wounds."

Therapy and a strong support group is vital. God Bless you.
For you have alot of anger and resentment towards him and the life that the addiction brought....
Dear Time to Move On
Thank you for your advice and yes i am extremely co dependent
and at times i only exist if this man says so......i copied and pasted a line from your reply post as i like to turn it around a bit and change it to read...."For he has alot of anger and resentment towards me and the life that sobriety has brought...."

He was easier to tolerate high....and he ain't embracing his sobriety so much as resenting that the judge has foisted it upon him and he gets his little book stamped at the meetings and blam he's outta there and usually calling me from his friend's cell phone across the street after downing a beer as he only has to stay "drug" free on probation as alcohol is legal....now does that sound like sobriety to you.....oh but of course heroin is so bad that as long as one does everything else but heroin they are okay....i ain't a heroin addict but EXCUSE ME....what's with the special kinder softer way just cause it is heroin....alcohol will kill you quicker really....but i digress
Where he is living.....he is always pointing out to me the dudes right across the street selling crack openly on the sidewalk....the guy next door dealing out of his house with all these cars coming in and out of the driveway....this guy who's cell phone he uses....drinks and tokes like a fish and right now his house in a row of 5 others is under police surviellance according to my bf but he goes over there just the same..
I am all alone this 4th of July.....last weekend he was lonely and calling all the time and said he needed me this holiday weekend as well but this past Thursday after a probation appt he calls from his friend's house sounding very bummed and high but not sloppy beer high and he was very nasty and saying how the reason i wasn't picking up the phone was because i was doing my next door neighbor who wasn't even home and that it would behoove me not to come over this weekend....don't mess with me he hissed..
Does one get nasty on heroin...as he always said that if he was going to risk getting high on probation it would be heroin as opposed to pot as it comes out of your system in 3 days.....in the past when he was using he used to say really mean things to me or create an argument so he wouldn't have to come over and i knew it was all a ploy to protect his using....
I just can't believe he would use on probation tho.....but something must of happened at that probation appt as he sounded real bummed and menacing....i am a cutter and the fact that he inferred that i was a slut and hasn't called prompted me to slice up my arm pretty badly..
He must screw up and get arrested....i am sorry i can't fight my addiction to him and am ready to take my life.....

To all those addicted or still with the heroin addicted and are familiar with my novel length postings on this man.....DO YOU THINK HE STILL IS USING EVEN THO HE HAS BEEN ON PROBATION ABOUT A MONTH???
my ex was on parole for 1 year and still using. So yes it is very likely. But he is not the one you should be focusing on. Lets get to the heart of this. You must take care of you.

You need tofind your sobriety in this situation. what makes you happy? Outside of him. Lets start talking about you! Did you eat today? What did you do good for yourself? I started to go to the gym 30-60 minutes on the treadmill really gets out alot of emotions. If you live in a nice climate go walking outdoors. And stop answering his calls for now until you clear your head. Get off the roller coaster. I am not telling you to leave him just get focused on you for a moment and do not look for happiness outside of you but within you. Good luck and GOD BLESS YOU.
Dear Trying to move on
I was just posting on another board about how i think my bf was concocting this new paranoia about me and the loathsome next door neighbor to deter me from spending the recent 4th of July weekend with him as we had originally planned the weekend before....he left a message on my machine as i hadn't gotten to him in time and he had a probationary meeting that afternoon but on the machine he sounded very bummed...kinda high but i thought it was just beer maybe....saying all this crap where every other word rhymed and threatening me to stay where i be and not mess with he and he had this intuition and that was all i needed to know....practically calling me a w**** in front of buddy who i could hear in the background....
At first i thought.....maybe he is hooking up with another woman this weekend but going by past experience with his using he would usually create some kinda of strife at the last minute to allow him to stay away and use but not have me think that was the reason....
But he is on probation for Pete's sake.....God no wonder he said he liked me cause i was naive....i dunno but i have been cutting over the weekend as i can't stand the rejection and i don't know what i did wrong
luv MARY