Same Old Story

geez, what a stupid name I picked. should have picked something like no where near there . . . . I don't even get that happy, warm feeling I used to . . .I use because I can't seem to help myself, because I'm happy, because I'm sad, because it's raining because it's not. stupid. I'm hoping after using only a couple of days the physical part won't be so bad. 4 steps forward, 2 back. baby steps. I absolutely have to quit checking this site from work, can't afford to lose my job at this point in life. called and got the time for an NA meeting, definitely depressed after reading Tim's post about the sad truth being only 2 out of 10 addicts actually getting clean and staying that way.
I'm happy you are going to a meeting...One thing that resonated with me was, "you can't stop taking pills until you stop taking pills." For some reason that little saying struck a chord with me. Getting into action helps in changing our behaviors. Going to a meeting is getting into action and doing the footwork. I'm glad you are willing to get out of your comfort zone and that you are aware you need to do things differently. Good for you.

Rachel
Don't let that statistic get you down.
I've heard it said there are three types of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.

I'll bet the stats on people who come to this board jumps up the success rate considerably. If you also factor only people who go to meetings regularly it jumps up again.

If you figure the percentage of people who stay clean by just staying away from drugs and don't take them any more, it jumps to 100%

There's lots of us in that category, just takes a little work.
yes, it sounds so easy, mind over matter. if I have the pills, I take them, I don't even know why. They don't do what they used to and every time I use them I'm back to square 1.
Why do you still have pills if you want to stop? I couldn't have any thing in my house when I was quitting. They would have called my name a little to loud for me to say no. Get rid of your narcotics. Tell your doctors and pharmacist what you want to do. It can be done but it takes a lot of work on our parts. How willing are you? Like Rachel said you have to stop taking pills to stop taking pills.
keep comin back
I wanted to remember how they made me feel.
"Wanted to remember"? Oh, I think you knew already. Keeping pills around is a reservation, a "just in case". The just in case, being, well. anything and everything. For addicts, drugs are the way of living all aspects of life.

For recovery, the idea that drugs are not needed as a crutch or a method to enjoy life, or "handle" live, has to be cultivated...and practiced.

Initially, it requires a certain degree of ruthlessness, which means, getting rid of all drugs. It really is Step 1, how powerless do you think you are over these drugs and your life has become unmanageable and Step 2, do you really believe that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity? (Assuming you believe your life is insane. Think about wanting to keep pills to "remember")

And then there is Step 3, turning our will and our life over to God, as we understood God. For me, that means the willingess to work all the Steps and to be willing, one day at a time, to not use, regardless of how easy or hard it is that day, because there is no problem that drugs will not make worse and there is no joyous event that drugs will enhance.

You may also want to consider AA, there are more meetings and often longer term sobriety. Even thought it's alcohol, addicts are addicts and the reasons behind using are independent from which drug. Also it helps recovery to avoid all drugs, including alcohol, which NA considers a recreational drug also.

So...question to yourself. Do you think that you are living in insanity and can be restored to sanity? Are you willing to turn your will over? Only you can answer....
Almost-My goal was certainly not to think you didn't have a chance.Quite the contrary.I stepped back from your original post because you sounded like it was something you wouldn't condider so I didn't want to come across as someone trying to browbeat you into a 12th step program and you made it quite clear how you felt about that.Nobody could talk me into anything if I wasn't receptive.I wasa simply trying to give you some options and help.Again,you're the most important person on here and my only object was to hel you.

AA and NA are not for everyone and I will be glad to support you whichever way you choose,As other mentioned here the only way I could quit was to remove every drug and mood altering chemical in th house.This was me.I am not the spokesperson for everyone.My first sponsor even made me throw away my new 2000 PDR away.I had to come clean and honest with my doctors,pharamacist,friends I had stolen drugs from,lovers who I had ripped off,you name it.Half truths availed me nothing.It was keeping the right foot in the right place in case I needed a back up plan.My life was built around dishonesty and I would
be damn if I was going to let go of that fighting tooth and nail.

When I made that commitment with that sponsor,I wa scared s***less.I cut off all my supplies,I was young and cute anyome and could sleep around for dope.The gig was up.It was either work the steps or die.Man,that first 6 months-1year was pure hell.I had to take a look at myself that was a scene out of the public humiliation.You know hat though? It saved my life.I learned how to hug other men,I learned how to accept love from women that cared about me.I learned that God loved me because I was a sick person trying to get well.I learned I could say I love you Racel and Lisa and hot have it mean naything else.

I wasn't trying to cram anything down your throat and I hope you accept my apology if you took it that way.I hope you find a way that works.Welcome to the board and I hope you stick around

Upps...Tim, I didn't see that they were not interested in AA/NA. Anyhow, your post didn't resemble anything like cramming something down someone's throat. It was only a recommendation.

Getting face to face support in a group, who understands my experiences, feelings and motivations, as far as I am concerned, makes recovery a whole lot easier.

To not want to be part of a group, well, that was how I was earlier, I'd like to stay and daydream a la Walter Middy on Planet Elim, where I was amazing. I find now that being around people helps keep me in the moment and gives me chances to practice the 12 Steps, even in meetings themselves.

Up to you almostthere. You can be there....or not...your choice.

It's not mind over matter, the pills themselves are unsentient, inert, they do nothing. It's ALL the mind, it's the MIND that makes the pills important and powerful. So it's your thinking itself you must deal with. How will be up to you, do like how it is going now? If not, to what lengths will you go to change it?
QUOTE
if I have the pills, I take them, I don't even know why.


You know, there is a reason why you do that. Learning that reason was a big step for me in my recovery.
It can be for you, too!
Hey Now,

I seldom hit the web at night, I'm an early morning start my day here and then go about the business of living type of fellow.

I am downloading the weekend's Furthur shows from Asbury Park NJ.

The best two shows I have heard in YEARS.

If you like Grateful Dead Music, This is so Sweet. Here is a link to the Sunday Show.

http://www.archive.org/details/furt...raci.akg.flac16.

I remember when I really wanted to quit using dope, but I kept getting high.

Scariest time of life, without exception.

Please keep coming back you are ALMOST THERE, if you weren't you WOULD NOT BE HERE.

This question was asked by someone very close to me on day 2 of my last detox, I recall it vividly.. They asked.

Joe, "Why are you so afraid to quit using?

I thought about it for awhile and came up with three reasons.

1. Because I have forgotten how to do anything else. (Lie) I not only remember how to do everything else, I DO IT BETTER.

2. Because I have tried so many times before and I always end up using, I can not handle the disappointment. (Lie) I don't use, there is no disappointment.

3. I can't cope with my life. (Ongoing) I can cope with my life, I did not take a pill today. And somehow I got through it. Even had FUN.

Peace




Joe, thanks much. The music is great. I guess we do what we can, what else is there.
Hey Almost,

No Thank You!!!! For coming back. Like I've said before. It is a privilege to be a part of your process.

I just wanted to take a few moments and attempt to describe what being clean feels like.

I think all to often I put the focus on "the work" part and not "the reward" part.

There is a pay-off.

I learned early on. Guys like me are into Pay-offs.

A few Things.

1. For me PEACE is the number one reward.Brief fleeting moments of stillness, relaxed, glad to be here, free from internal strife. Harmony, Love, Joy boundless optimism. Feeling Light, Totally Free. Unafraid. Oh those moments.
Early in the morning. They are so incredible. God is present and I am just being.
YOU MUST EXPERIENCE THIS.


2. CHOICE is a close second-I mean for 30 years of active addiction, I had very few choices. Because I needed the end to be "I got Dope". The Job I would work, The Place I would live, The friends I hung with, The places I went, The lies I told, The things I stole, the time I spent, the worry, the anxiety, the pain, the loss...All for dope. Today I can choose what I do. I repeat I CAN CHOOSE WHAT I DO.

3. FREEDOM--Free to do whatever the f*** I want to. THE BEST PART ABOUT THIS IS THAT ONCE FREE I REALIZED WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO DO WAS BE THERE FOR OTHERS.

4*.LOVE-I feel love. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel love. Not human Love which I enjoy but THE LOVE OF GOD. That relationship started very simply. I asked, God are you real, are you? I will spend the rest of my days each and every day with the same request. God, please show yourself. I've learned that's Gods Will for me right now, to seek him and share what I find. As of today the feeling I get and share is "FEAR NOT"

*this was accomplished by using the 2nd step and 11th step of the commonly referred to 12 steps.

5. Rounding out my Top 5 is "DIFFERENT'. That what I was doing or thought I was doing while using, Feeling different, Trying to change the reality in some fashion. But using was all "THE SAME". Today everything is SO different I mean every single interaction can be "DIFFERENT" . God I love being able to do things differently if I want to.


As you see my top 5 things are not materialistic at all. STUFF does not excite me anymore, In fact I have to much stuff. which leads me to one great truth I've learned.

SEEK FIRST THIS...AND EVERYTHING ELSE SHALL BE ADDED TO YOU.

RELAX, BREATH, IT IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT!!



I'm getting a bad feeling like I've shared too much.
AT, you have shared honestly, that is all. There are people here who want to help you and they are reaching out to you. Sadly, like it or not, it all falls on you today. It is your choice, use or don't.

When you are ready, reach out and we will be here to help. My own thought on the issue is that we cannot think ourselves clean and we cannot stop using by mere use of will power. If this were the case, addiction would not be the epidemic that it is.

It takes more. It takes transforming the way we think, so that we can look at the world in a new light. Believe it or not, the key to doing this lies in changing our behavior. We live our way into sober thinking, we do not think our way into sober living.

It is the nature of addiction to keep us separated and isolated. Addiction leads us to believe that we must do it alone, or to accept failure for being weak. This is the disease whispering in our ear, doings its best to set us up for failure. The Enemy is clever in that way.

There is a solution. You know where I am going with it, but I do not want to run you off by getting all preachy on you. If you want to hear more, write back and I will respond.

We all want to help. Take what you need and leave the rest. We are not a judgmental crowd.
wish I knew what to say. really appreciate your thoughts.