Hey everyone,
Just wanted to say goodbye. Things have been a little to much for me lately, and I am no longer in recovery. I do not want to be either. After getting some affairs in order, now I can work on being numb, and left alone.
I have already seen my friends turn their backs, and now I have been asked if I am suffering with the faking disease, whatever it is called. I was booted from managing in a group i helped start, and well, whatever. All I got was an EMAIL. That is all I was good enough for. I do not care about being sick, or worried about what will happen to my kid, all that is taken care of now. The only label I have now is, hurt, alone, and working on numb.
Sorry to disappoint anyone, if there is anyone left to disappoint. I don't care. The only place caring got me was kicked in the teeth. BTW, everything going on in my life is REALLY THIS CRAPPY! It does get this low, maybe not for everyone, but for me it has. So, I chose to be out of recovery, and to stay numb enough to get through this piece of crap call like.
Take care all, and I wish all of you out there something better than my life, or having to listen to my problems for one more minute. Luckily, I have a medical problem that will enable me to go and request to be loaded. There is one good thing about being sick huh! AMEN for that much at least.
Lady M
Well. I'm still happy I'm clean.
i am shocked i must be honest, u do what u r going to do, i can not change that, wow this sucks that u feel this way.. :(
Lady M,
I don't know what's transpiried. I haven't been on the other site. I talk with you often and I know you are not faking. I do try to be there for you. You were a big help to me in my coming off Oxy. What has happened that you would let go of your own sobriety? No Carrie, that's not you. If I were doing it you'd reach in there and kick my butt. It's one thing to control the pain but another to out and out blatantly numb life away. DON'T DO IT!!!. Clarity is really all we have hon no matter what our circumstances. In the end it is our clarity that takes us out of this life and into the next. You must try to hold onto that. There is even a name for it called conscious dying. Maybe it doesn't make any sense but I went to the edge of death and I spent a little time there and gorked out is now where you wanna be when you let go of this life. I'm not saying you are dying but if you go for unconscious living it takes a long time to clear that up. I understand you are hurting, you feel betrayed, hurt, angry, sad sad sad but look it can get much worse. You can get mad at me for all this and it's okay. I'll still be right here. s*** Carrie, I'm not kidding. You need to be awake for you in this. I hope you will reconsider and keep writing. I wish for you to have love around you during this time. I know it is not easy but life is what it is and it is not what it is not. I know you can get another second wind in here. I know you may not want to but you need to pull it together here. Not just for you but for your daughter. Agree or not she needs you clear right now. It's hard enough.
Come on Carrie, hang in there and pull it together. I'm serious. You CAN do it. I know you.
Love,
PM
I don't know what's transpiried. I haven't been on the other site. I talk with you often and I know you are not faking. I do try to be there for you. You were a big help to me in my coming off Oxy. What has happened that you would let go of your own sobriety? No Carrie, that's not you. If I were doing it you'd reach in there and kick my butt. It's one thing to control the pain but another to out and out blatantly numb life away. DON'T DO IT!!!. Clarity is really all we have hon no matter what our circumstances. In the end it is our clarity that takes us out of this life and into the next. You must try to hold onto that. There is even a name for it called conscious dying. Maybe it doesn't make any sense but I went to the edge of death and I spent a little time there and gorked out is now where you wanna be when you let go of this life. I'm not saying you are dying but if you go for unconscious living it takes a long time to clear that up. I understand you are hurting, you feel betrayed, hurt, angry, sad sad sad but look it can get much worse. You can get mad at me for all this and it's okay. I'll still be right here. s*** Carrie, I'm not kidding. You need to be awake for you in this. I hope you will reconsider and keep writing. I wish for you to have love around you during this time. I know it is not easy but life is what it is and it is not what it is not. I know you can get another second wind in here. I know you may not want to but you need to pull it together here. Not just for you but for your daughter. Agree or not she needs you clear right now. It's hard enough.
Come on Carrie, hang in there and pull it together. I'm serious. You CAN do it. I know you.
Love,
PM
I have been where you are. Life really just does suck sometimes. Peace to you, and when you want to come back, we are here.
Life is worth living. I can't say I blame you for wanting to be numb. Just hurry on back to this side, and we will love you anyway. Even though I don't know you, I know that I went right back into incomprehensible demoriliaztion really fast, and found that one day sober and HURTING SO BAD was better than that hell of using.
May God keep you safe till you return,
kerry
Life is worth living. I can't say I blame you for wanting to be numb. Just hurry on back to this side, and we will love you anyway. Even though I don't know you, I know that I went right back into incomprehensible demoriliaztion really fast, and found that one day sober and HURTING SO BAD was better than that hell of using.
May God keep you safe till you return,
kerry
P.S. Kiwi,
Why do you make these kind of remarks? So you think they are in anyway helpful???? Geez, get a clue man. You have managed to actually urk me here.
PM
Why do you make these kind of remarks? So you think they are in anyway helpful???? Geez, get a clue man. You have managed to actually urk me here.
PM
Actually I think Kiwi's remark was appropriate. He's glad he's clean. Probably glad he doesn't have to deal with that drama... as am I.
We all get on the pity pot over this disease..it's a given. But if we stay honest, we can beat it. Staying honest here not only helps us but helps others.
Honesty is refreshing after living a life of lies...
Carrie, you do what you have to. When your ready to start living again, we'll be here with open arms and no judgment.
Cowgirl
We all get on the pity pot over this disease..it's a given. But if we stay honest, we can beat it. Staying honest here not only helps us but helps others.
Honesty is refreshing after living a life of lies...
Carrie, you do what you have to. When your ready to start living again, we'll be here with open arms and no judgment.
Cowgirl
lady maverick, please reconsider, ican only imagine what you have been thru and i sympathize, just because what happened with your group does not mean your efforts were fruitless i for one value your opinion and knowledge, you walk the walk and talked the talk, when i first started this road of recovery back in june of this year YOU were one that i listened to and read all of your posts your knoweledge about addiction and recovery is something i admire and hoped to achieve, you were always one that would say things do get better and your right ther is a light beginning to be seen at the end of the tunnel for me, so please dont give up, i dont know what is going on fully in your personal life but i hope to see you still post and think this all the way thru. please take care and stay strong, ill be praying for you.
I completely agree with Cowgirl.
It's time to get REAL with yourself. Get off the pity pot. You can't fix what you don't acknowledge.
It's time to get REAL with yourself. Get off the pity pot. You can't fix what you don't acknowledge.
I like that trait in you Kiwirain, you tell it like it is, lol. People don't always like hearing it, but truth is truth. I'm glad to be clean too. And Lisa, you were right on the money about honesty. It's what it's all about. We have to be honest with others and just as importantly, with ourselves. Where does self pity get us? Just using, that's all. I've also learned how important it is not to dump on people, especially those with very little clean time. Things like that can be a trigger to them. We have to be so careful here on this board to be honest and share the positive aspects of being clean, lots of new people are listening! Keep spreading the message Lisa and Kiwi, you never know who's paying attention and will want what you have! Much love and respect, Kat
Oh my god! I have seen you on this board for months! You must really be down and out. What the hell happened. I know I am not addicted to these pills but I watch my boyfriend suffer and I suffer and his family suffers. You can NOT do this to your child! It is time to put your own pain down and muster back up the courage TO be a mother and worry about your kid. If you pawned your child off on someone else because you can not handle it right now that is one thing - not a good thing=but maybe a good choice if you are this way. Think about the pain your child will feel for not understanding why you chose this "numbness over him or her when he or she grows. I lost my father to alcohol and his unwillingness to be strong! He died at 50 and left my sister and I both in a disasterous situation. We are only 32 and 29 and can not deal with this loss. YOU need to go back to rehab or something. You can not pass this disease of the devil on to your child. YOUR child will suffer in confusion and pain for life. I read something recently in the paper. It was a tribute to someone who died young from her family. It said that people think the pain in their hearts has subsided with time but that it has not. Only people who have felt this loss know that it burns and never leaves! Please think of your child. These pills, this numbness, it is not worth another life. Your child will pick an addict like me. Your child may become an addict out of feelings of worthlessness. Please you are a good person. I have seen it on this board. You are a smart person. you have strength. You have character. I have seen it. DOnt let this get you! Find a way to beat this! Email me. You are freaking me out. Please.....Lady M. You Deserve A Life! Your child and family do too. Please let me know if you come back.
Jen
Jen
I can agree with the honesty part. I do think we have to take long looks at ourselves and be honest. Honest with ourselves and others. I also believe that we can not stay in the cycle of self pity and self loathing. Eventually, we have to surrender fully to the process. However, in my eye it's part of the process of what we call grieving. Why is it happening to me?.
I disagree that it leads to using again. It doesn't have to. Sometimes it can lead us to a better understanding of who we are and my advice go into it as deeply as needed. Then when you hit the bottom there will be an opening to step out of it with more understanding and alot of growth. When the fire burns you so much you will get to a point where you want it no more. It's over and life has a new aspect, a new living.
I have to say we do judge here. I asked Kiwi wtf and we are always agreeing or disagreeing but we do judge. We judge everytime we applaud or put down the other. I guess it's human nature. So I'm just gonna end this by saying to Carrie, I hope you find your way on this path and your higher power leads you in the direction that best serves you. That is what I wish for all of you and for those of you working at real clean time or doing real clean time congrats and may you keep going.
Peace,
PM
I disagree that it leads to using again. It doesn't have to. Sometimes it can lead us to a better understanding of who we are and my advice go into it as deeply as needed. Then when you hit the bottom there will be an opening to step out of it with more understanding and alot of growth. When the fire burns you so much you will get to a point where you want it no more. It's over and life has a new aspect, a new living.
I have to say we do judge here. I asked Kiwi wtf and we are always agreeing or disagreeing but we do judge. We judge everytime we applaud or put down the other. I guess it's human nature. So I'm just gonna end this by saying to Carrie, I hope you find your way on this path and your higher power leads you in the direction that best serves you. That is what I wish for all of you and for those of you working at real clean time or doing real clean time congrats and may you keep going.
Peace,
PM
?????????????????
Read your 10 or so posts to this Forum in the last 2 months and can't figure out where the hurt feelings are coming from, Lady M. From what I can tell, you've always been supported here. God Bless you though...I truly hope you find your way back. M.
Read your 10 or so posts to this Forum in the last 2 months and can't figure out where the hurt feelings are coming from, Lady M. From what I can tell, you've always been supported here. God Bless you though...I truly hope you find your way back. M.
Carrie im not sure whats gone on nor am i rearly that interested in gossip but i am however interested in you and your recovery. You message is one of much negativity what your actually saying is that you cant recover without any of your friends on here? Which sort of confuses me a little i thought that you had a sponser? in which case surly thats all you need right now and your own strength and determination to be in recovery ok so you have mittigating circumstances which might make one say sod it what the hell i might as well be an addict what about if you find that donor are you less likly to get the operation you require due to addiction? are you less likly to say yes il have it simply because your under the influance?. whilst you in the state of feeling sorry for yourself hun the very people you intend to make feel guilty are (i hope clean) time to take a step back hun and see whats important YOU are important. When i came to this site my intention was not to become popular but in recovery which i achieved which means that if no one likes me so be it im still focussed on me and if this way of releasing my emotions helps me then thats what im going to do and so should you or anyone else for that matter. please except this post with the good intentions it is meant (((((((((hugs)))))))))) jackie xxxx
LM, I was floored when I read your post. I know this is a really tought time for you right now, and I would like to reach out to you and let you know that I am in your corner. I do not know what has transpired elsewhere, but what ever it is comes as news to me. I know the chemo therapy is rough, and you may remember that I am the one who suggested that this is not the time to worry about pain med ingestion. However, I to believe that you odds of fighting the cancer are better if you face it with the steps.
August
August
LADYM" i know u are dealing with alot and i have always thought of u as a very brave lady because of what u are going through and still wanted to help others here and u are going through somthing very scary but u have been on this post a long time and i have never heard u so down on your self before not like this u seem so alone and angry and that will only make things harder for u u dont need that u have been here for so many of us" i dont know what happened in that group but who cares if they booted u off of that group dont let it bother you if thats the typ of group it is when the going gets rough then out u go then u dont need that typ of group is that how it was" well if thats the case why waste your time with that u are a very good person PLEASE pull your self up and keep going u have so many friends here" to me support means that if a member is hurting we are to help that person through that hurt and ladym iam here for u BUT u cant give up u have to fight u still have alot off members in this group that care about u and just want u to get back up and stop feeling down on your self it only hurts you what about your child please fight for her i hope iam not afending anyone here the members who know me knows better then that i would never do that but for me i dont believe in that word pity pot and that is just my opinion"but if someone is hurting it means they need support and to let them know they are not alone that they have friends tough love is ok at times its needed if the person doing it knows what they are doing but sometimes it gets alittle to tough" like with my relitives i know it was only out of love but i have seen first hand how that kind of tough love works i lost a family member because of alittle to much tough love his family thought was the best way to go" with out consulting with his doctor first but once it was to late they talked to that doc and he said when they feel so low and are not thinking clearly to much tough love in there minds only makes them feel more worthless and alone even though it not true but thats how it turns out it make them feel all the more they are alone and it has nothing to do with pity they think no one cares" as for me the guilt still feels like a knife in my heart all because i went along with to much tough love and i will never do that again and thats just my how i feel " so ladym if u need support iam here for u we all are we just want to help just remember that. HUGS + LOVE LITTLE H.
Lady M.:
I, like August, am floored by your post. I do not know what has happened but using will not make things better, trust me on this one. This was a very dramatic post and I'm not sure why you have chosen this route. I always recommend looking at our part in situations, that's really all we can do as we have no power over people, places and things. Now is the time to really work your program, walk the walk. Keep posting here, we'll love you until you can love yourself.
Rachel
I, like August, am floored by your post. I do not know what has happened but using will not make things better, trust me on this one. This was a very dramatic post and I'm not sure why you have chosen this route. I always recommend looking at our part in situations, that's really all we can do as we have no power over people, places and things. Now is the time to really work your program, walk the walk. Keep posting here, we'll love you until you can love yourself.
Rachel
Hello,
Yes I do tell it how it is. You know some people will accept it and aknowledge it and others will think I am being rude and disrespectful to them.
At the end of the day I guess that's just who I am. I'm in the exact same boat as everyone here. I was addicted to OxyContin. I even relapsed twice. It's a bad disease drug addiction.
But over time I have learned that your can't feel sorry for yourself, you can't blame doctors, you can't blame injuries and you definately can't feel sorry for yourself. You gotta say exactly how it is. Maybe to some it will hit a nerve and wake them up. I'm only here to help. But yea I get right to the point.
PS: I'm now 35 days clean :)
Yes I do tell it how it is. You know some people will accept it and aknowledge it and others will think I am being rude and disrespectful to them.
At the end of the day I guess that's just who I am. I'm in the exact same boat as everyone here. I was addicted to OxyContin. I even relapsed twice. It's a bad disease drug addiction.
But over time I have learned that your can't feel sorry for yourself, you can't blame doctors, you can't blame injuries and you definately can't feel sorry for yourself. You gotta say exactly how it is. Maybe to some it will hit a nerve and wake them up. I'm only here to help. But yea I get right to the point.
PS: I'm now 35 days clean :)
And what kind of cancer do you have?
Exactly.
Cowgirl, you may have unintentionally created a monster. lol
Cowgirl, you may have unintentionally created a monster. lol
