Hi, I am new to the message board. I am desperate for advice.
I went into a rehab program in 2007, for opiate abuse/addiction. I was clean for 6 years. My husband was very supportive during this time. He came to all the family nights, brought our daughter to visit every week, attended family counseling, etc.
Back then he was taking percocets. I don't believe he took alot, but he did always have at least a few. I never told the counselor or anyone on my discharge team that he did this. At the time, i guess I didn't think it a big deal.
Fast forward to 2012. My husband starts working out of town during the week, at home on the weekends. At this point I find out he has internet subscriptions to 3 different porn websites. Was I upset? VERY. I have never liked him watching it, even though I new he did. The subscription thing was a bit over the top, in my opinion. We discussed, we got the accounts cancelled. All is forgiven and all is well. A few months later, I find that he has been surfing the web for porn, which probably never stopped. I have always been a snooper. I installed spyware on his computer. He was watching this stuff everyday and did eventually get more subscriptions. I am still fighting that particular battle with him.
I know I am jumping, so please forgive me. I'm just trying not to write a book on here.
By this time, he has been in pain management for 3 years. Getting prescriptions for Oxys, percocet, and dextroamphetamine. I began stealing the speed from him for myself. For whatever reason this made me feel better and I started not to harp on him so much for the porn. I supposed I felt guilty for taking the meds from him. He was also buying roxys, and adderall. I would take the adderall also. In March of this year, I began taking the pain pills from him too. I never to too much, one oxy or one percocet per day. But in the end, I still am back to taking pills again. He found some of the pill I stole in my purse. Game over.
2 weeks ago I wento the doctor, and am now taking Zubsolv. I havent taken any pills, except the zubsolv for 2 weeks.
I found out that he had subscribed to another porn website on Thanksgiving Day. I got his phone last night to go through his web history and email to see if there were more.
Last night, he caught me looking through his phone, and went off on me. Saying that he doesnt believe that I will ever stop lying to him. Why did I go behind his back to get his phone? Because you will delete everything first, if I ask for it. He says he wouldn't, but thats what he did every time I asked for his computer. Anyway, yes I have stolen from him and lied about doing it, several times. I am currently looking for a marriage counselor and have no idea how to find the right one. I go back for a follow up the the zubsolv doctor tomorrow and will ask him for a suggestion or two. My husband has done alot of lying also, however, he will not admit it, he accused me last night of entering information into his phone and trying to pin it on him. He does still take alot of meds, which he now locks in a safe under the bed, but I would feel better if they were gone completely, and that won't happen until he realizes he does have a problem. Right now I am really trying to get myself better for myself, my kids and family. It's just very hard to do when my husband looks at me with such disgust, tells me I only care about my own wants, and that he is miserable all time, and if he loses his job because he can't concentrate on it, it's my fault. I have no idea what I can say to him, other than I am trying. I understand the hurt of being lied too, however, I am really trying not to throw his stuff back in his face. My thinking is to get myself better and get us into marriage counseling, then deal with his pill addiction.
I apologize for this being lengthy and/or hard to follow. I just needed to put some of this out there and hopefully get some advice on how to begin to deal..
Thanks for taking the time to read this and respond - any help will be so appreciated.
and if he loses his job because he can't concentrate on it, it's my fault.
That's the addiction talking. It wouldn't be your fault if he lost his job.
He's got multiple addictions that he's got to deal with and you've got your own demons. I don't think marriage counseling is going to help much if either of you have substance abuse problems.
But I agree with you. You've got to work on yourself first.
Does he even want to stop using or get help with his porn addiction? It doesn't sound like it from what you're saying.
That's the addiction talking. It wouldn't be your fault if he lost his job.
He's got multiple addictions that he's got to deal with and you've got your own demons. I don't think marriage counseling is going to help much if either of you have substance abuse problems.
But I agree with you. You've got to work on yourself first.
Does he even want to stop using or get help with his porn addiction? It doesn't sound like it from what you're saying.
No, he is not even to the point of admitting he has a problem. He tells me he sells the additional pills he buys. He pays out so much money and it does not go back into the bank. He gets calls all the time from people calling him to buy their pills, but he never gets calls from people wanting to buy stuff from him. I've pointed this out, to no avail. I am not good at confrontations, and when he gets mad at me, he has a way of turning everything I say and twisting it around so I am always the bad guy. Even when he isn't mad he does that.
Dear ataloss,
It sounds to me that for the time being you have your addiction under control - your marriage - seems to me like addiction is nt really your greatest concern. It sounds to me like you have a classic manipulative husband who belittles and scares you into not interfering with his multiple addictions. Where in your thinking is it right that he keeps pills locked up under the bed so that you can't to them? Where in your thinking is it alright that he gets calls of any nature related to bying or selling pills? Where in your thought process is it alright that he is trolling the internet for porn sites even after you have opnely discussed this issue and you have expressed your dislike? And there are kids in the mix?
In case you wonder, none of this is o.k. and having been through rehab yourself, you must know this will get worse before it gets better. For one, it sounds like he feels like he is about to loose his job. And whatever deamons you may have, no matter what skeletons you have in your clauset, you cannot let yourself take the rap for that. Please.
Concentrate on your problems. Get counseling for you. Take care of you. That sounds like the best action plan to get you and your children out fo this.
Stay strong! Come back and read and share.
It sounds to me that for the time being you have your addiction under control - your marriage - seems to me like addiction is nt really your greatest concern. It sounds to me like you have a classic manipulative husband who belittles and scares you into not interfering with his multiple addictions. Where in your thinking is it right that he keeps pills locked up under the bed so that you can't to them? Where in your thinking is it alright that he gets calls of any nature related to bying or selling pills? Where in your thought process is it alright that he is trolling the internet for porn sites even after you have opnely discussed this issue and you have expressed your dislike? And there are kids in the mix?
In case you wonder, none of this is o.k. and having been through rehab yourself, you must know this will get worse before it gets better. For one, it sounds like he feels like he is about to loose his job. And whatever deamons you may have, no matter what skeletons you have in your clauset, you cannot let yourself take the rap for that. Please.
Concentrate on your problems. Get counseling for you. Take care of you. That sounds like the best action plan to get you and your children out fo this.
Stay strong! Come back and read and share.
IJUSTWANTTOHELP -
Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate your input. I don't think him keeping pills under the bed is a good, nor him still trolling these porn site, or buying pills. You're absolutely right, he is very manipulative. I guess he does scare me, I actually never thought of it that way. He has never been physical with me, but, yeah he does me mentally. Especially, his thought process here lately. I know it will get worse before it gets better, but I just can't imagine what his bottom will be. Yes, we have 2 kids. We have been together for 22 years, 18 years married. The oldest child has picked up on moods, the way we don't act the same around each other. I am going to go to counseling by myself. My thoughts were to do this, then after a few sessions, bring him into that mix. My thought process has been that if someone who doesn't know either one of us can point out to him that yes, you have a problem. You need help, maybe that would get him to see the light???? I realize I can't fight the battle for, he has to do it,but what can I do to try and get him to see. I don't work, haven't since I got fired from my job due to my addiction in 2007. I have no money saved as my own. I don't want to come across as whining, just so many things going around in my head.
Again, thank you so much, I am really glad that I found this board.
Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate your input. I don't think him keeping pills under the bed is a good, nor him still trolling these porn site, or buying pills. You're absolutely right, he is very manipulative. I guess he does scare me, I actually never thought of it that way. He has never been physical with me, but, yeah he does me mentally. Especially, his thought process here lately. I know it will get worse before it gets better, but I just can't imagine what his bottom will be. Yes, we have 2 kids. We have been together for 22 years, 18 years married. The oldest child has picked up on moods, the way we don't act the same around each other. I am going to go to counseling by myself. My thoughts were to do this, then after a few sessions, bring him into that mix. My thought process has been that if someone who doesn't know either one of us can point out to him that yes, you have a problem. You need help, maybe that would get him to see the light???? I realize I can't fight the battle for, he has to do it,but what can I do to try and get him to see. I don't work, haven't since I got fired from my job due to my addiction in 2007. I have no money saved as my own. I don't want to come across as whining, just so many things going around in my head.
Again, thank you so much, I am really glad that I found this board.
The folks at Al-Anon and Nar-Anon would be a great help to you as they are to millions.
When our lives come apart we wonder "What is THE problem" .....
working the 12 Steps of recovery we find there are many problems as we "get honest"
I strongly suggest you attend some Al-Anon & Nar-Anon meetings to hear what they have to say.
Find the meetings at http://www.nar-anon.org/ and http://www.al-anon.org/
All the best.
Bob R
When our lives come apart we wonder "What is THE problem" .....
working the 12 Steps of recovery we find there are many problems as we "get honest"
I strongly suggest you attend some Al-Anon & Nar-Anon meetings to hear what they have to say.
Find the meetings at http://www.nar-anon.org/ and http://www.al-anon.org/
All the best.
Bob R
