I received this text minutes ago--
My ex gf was gonna help me and you told her not to. That was a sh***ty thing to do. I am forced to do illegal sh**t just to eat. Thanks for being there for me Mom!
I said go to food pantry or Salvation Army. They will feed you.
He said I have and don't have any way to cook corn or stuff they give you. I have lived in my car for 3 months and tomorrow they are repo my car unless I pay $700 in legal fees to keep it by tomorrow. I am going to end up in prison. Hope your Christmas is as good as mine!
My husband read this and he is really concerned that our son will break in our house while we go away for Christmas. He even said what if we pay for the car this one time and then tell him to figure it out and not contact us ever again. Then our home would be safe over the holidays. I said we have been doing that now for 15 *-+ years. That won't fix it.
Please let me know what you think! I am afraid in my own home. We have secured it as much as we can and I hate this feeling!!!
Should I text him back? Should I tell him we aren't helping in anyway and he needs to figure it out on his own???
Advice????
Lori
Lori - you have to do what you and your husband are comfortable doing. everyone will say don't give him anything. I am not that strong. I would probably give, but our friends here, are correct - he will ask again next month. I think ahead that if he has the car, he can stay in the car and keep his stuff. If he does not have the car, he daily life gets that much more complicated. how does he carry his stuff with him all the time, if he no longer has the car.
I apologize to everyone who I offend by suggesting that you enable your son.
I think you have had a good run of not enabling. I do not think anything will be better if you pay for the car loan, I do think things will be worse when he has no place to live (without the car)
or - he goes to jail and looses the car and then come out of jail, where does he go.
of course by December 22nd when he owes the next loan payment, he will forget all about this help you have given, and say all the same stuff to you again.... so sorry.... I don't have the answers. I wish our addicted loved ones could live in a home for them, free of cost for us! And - yeah - they wouldn't want to live there, and associate with those druggies....... lol
see - we are dammed if we do, dammed if we don't.....
I apologize to everyone who I offend by suggesting that you enable your son.
I think you have had a good run of not enabling. I do not think anything will be better if you pay for the car loan, I do think things will be worse when he has no place to live (without the car)
or - he goes to jail and looses the car and then come out of jail, where does he go.
of course by December 22nd when he owes the next loan payment, he will forget all about this help you have given, and say all the same stuff to you again.... so sorry.... I don't have the answers. I wish our addicted loved ones could live in a home for them, free of cost for us! And - yeah - they wouldn't want to live there, and associate with those druggies....... lol
see - we are dammed if we do, dammed if we don't.....
ok-- my husband and I are arguing and he wants to pay for Dec. and I say it will never end and then in Jan. back to same old !! He still will be living in his car with a title loan due for the next 10 months and insurance and 2 dogs and no food and no gas and on and on!
I am so worn out and I can't live like this anymore! I just want to move to an island and change my identity! Haha!
Help!!! My husband is weakening and now I have no support at all!!!
I am so worn out and I can't live like this anymore! I just want to move to an island and change my identity! Haha!
Help!!! My husband is weakening and now I have no support at all!!!
D- you have to do what is best for you. But keep in mind it will not stop here. This will not be the last " guilt" text. I think you know that. I would do the same. Give in and just give him what he wanted thinking I would have some peace. And maybe for my own conscious to know he is somewhat ok. But deep down you know how this will end.
My heart is breaking for you. I know exactly what your feeling right now. It's not easy! My son is in prison so I have a bit of a reprieve right now
No one is here to judge. If you feel you need to take care of it then that's what you do. But you know it's not then end of it.
I wish you the best in whatever choice you make.
You've been so strong. Please try to stay strong!
Many hugs to you right now. !!
Lisa
My heart is breaking for you. I know exactly what your feeling right now. It's not easy! My son is in prison so I have a bit of a reprieve right now
No one is here to judge. If you feel you need to take care of it then that's what you do. But you know it's not then end of it.
I wish you the best in whatever choice you make.
You've been so strong. Please try to stay strong!
Many hugs to you right now. !!
Lisa
do you know how much the loan is? just curious..... I get so mad that places give them loans and credit cards, they can see on the credit report that the person has not paid back many things, yet the company still gives it......
and the paycheck loans are the worst, such a rip off
in 2015 a car dealership sold my son a 2013 car, within 6 months he wrecked it.
after that macy's gave him credit card and an apple store gave him credit - he bought a new computer. has not paid either of them. Probably went to collections. He just thinks its OK and he doesn't have to pay it..... at this point I don't care about that stuff either, as long as my name is not on it. if the companies are dumb enough to give him credit, that's their problem.
and the paycheck loans are the worst, such a rip off
in 2015 a car dealership sold my son a 2013 car, within 6 months he wrecked it.
after that macy's gave him credit card and an apple store gave him credit - he bought a new computer. has not paid either of them. Probably went to collections. He just thinks its OK and he doesn't have to pay it..... at this point I don't care about that stuff either, as long as my name is not on it. if the companies are dumb enough to give him credit, that's their problem.
reminder - if you give in - do not give $$ directly to him. pay only the loan payments that have to be paid. do not pay more than what is needed.
and don't be nice to him. tell it like it is. It's NOT OK. tell him where to go to get off the street. and it would be a nice Christmas, if he did. you can watch the dogs, and park the car in driveway.
act like a raving AHole -- maybe it will embarrass him enough to make a change.
and don't be nice to him. tell it like it is. It's NOT OK. tell him where to go to get off the street. and it would be a nice Christmas, if he did. you can watch the dogs, and park the car in driveway.
act like a raving AHole -- maybe it will embarrass him enough to make a change.
Lori, Maybe you should get an alarm system put in before you go.The company might do a rush order and get it in before the 15 th for you. I wouldn't trust him whether you pay his car or not. Tell him you have the police watching your house and you have an alarm system installed even if you don't! Anything happens or he is seen around your place the cops have his name, car description and registration number and he will be picked up and arrested for trespassing If he's paranoid he'll believe you. If he's paranoid tell him anything to keep him away. I wish I could be more of a help. Stay safe! Mary.
I am NOT telling you what to do, but I will tell you my experience. The more I say NO, the easier it gets. It gets easier for me to say NO next time, and amazingly, my son doesn't come to me first anymore, when he asks for things. I used to get the guilt trip, how it is my fault he is selling drugs to support himself, etc... then the anger, but now when I say NO, he says "okay", and sometimes adds, "I love you mom". He no longer guilt trips me, and we have a decent relationship. He is not clean and sober, but he is also not expecting anything more from me financially, or in any enabling way.
Several years ago he stole from me. I didn't want to believe it, especially without proof. I had a hidden camera installed, and caught him and a friend of his stealing from me. In my bedroom, opening my locked closet, stealing money, going through my personal things. I called the police, and he was arrested.
He calls me now to say he loves me, and he even came over for Thanksgiving. He didn't ask for anything, was pleasant, had dinner, and left. I do not leave him unsupervised in my home, and I made sure he knew that we have every door and window alarmed. But as much as the drugs call him, he knows I love him, and he knows I'm no longer enabling him. And our relationship has improved as a result.
Set the boundaries you can live with. And your home should be safe. And make decisions you can live with. You didn't put him in this situation, he did. You can't fix it, you can't save him, but you can take care of yourself. It is OKAY to say NO. I wish you luck,
Sombra
Several years ago he stole from me. I didn't want to believe it, especially without proof. I had a hidden camera installed, and caught him and a friend of his stealing from me. In my bedroom, opening my locked closet, stealing money, going through my personal things. I called the police, and he was arrested.
He calls me now to say he loves me, and he even came over for Thanksgiving. He didn't ask for anything, was pleasant, had dinner, and left. I do not leave him unsupervised in my home, and I made sure he knew that we have every door and window alarmed. But as much as the drugs call him, he knows I love him, and he knows I'm no longer enabling him. And our relationship has improved as a result.
Set the boundaries you can live with. And your home should be safe. And make decisions you can live with. You didn't put him in this situation, he did. You can't fix it, you can't save him, but you can take care of yourself. It is OKAY to say NO. I wish you luck,
Sombra
A friend just told me this phrase below to help me in my struggles with my son:
Just because you create a crises, does not make it MY crises. You need to take care of the crises you created.
My son is doing this crap to me and think about it. Is it okay for him to treat you like this? NO. Is it okay for him to blame you for the situation he has created? NO.
It is not okay for us to be treated this way.
Just because you create a crises, does not make it MY crises. You need to take care of the crises you created.
My son is doing this crap to me and think about it. Is it okay for him to treat you like this? NO. Is it okay for him to blame you for the situation he has created? NO.
It is not okay for us to be treated this way.
Don't do it .... You'd be cushioning the fall again.... Get an alarm system if your nervous.... His monkey his circus....You keep rescuing him and he never learns to rescue himself.... Disengage.... Detach....turn off the phone !!...him threatening to commit a crime is hilarious. ..he's a drug addict. ..our whole lives are illegal....he'll commit a crime with or without your help anyways...your being sucked in again D...fear is your weakness and he's exploiting it...
Oh my Lori-
We all know what the Naranon/Tough Love answer is to your question. And we all know what it is like to have your child pushing every button to try to get you to do what they want. And we all know how bad it feels to tell our children "No." And then we worry about our kids. So, we second, third & fourth guess ourselves whatever decision we make.
All of this is to say, I will support 10000% whatever decision you make. There is no right or wrong answer. I see every one's point -- from NY who suggests that you dig deep down in your purse to Con's line, "not your monkey, not your show," and everything in between. I personally am worried that if he lost his truck, he'd make a bee line to your house. And, I'd do almost anything to prevent that from being an option. At the same time, you don't want him to think that Mommy & Daddy National Bank is open for business again. Oh. . .it is soooo hard to love an addict child!!! With that said. . .All I can offer on this one is a huge hug!!!
I agree that you have to protect & fortify your home before you leave regardless of what you decide. Yes, get an alarm system. If you can't get Slomin or ADT to install in time, I think Home Depot/Lowes sells DIY systems. Can you get cameras -- real or fake? Call the police and ask them to check on your place while you are gone. Since the cops won't come every day, ask a neighbor or close friend to also come by and make sure everything is ok. (Shoot. . .I'd ask several people to pop by at different times of the day.) Remove jewelry and other valuables; place them in a safe deposit box, storage, any place but in or around your house. Change the locks/Put in dead bolts. Hell, depending on how long you are to be gone, I'd install a doggie door and rent a pit bull who has a bad attitude and let him have the run of the house.
I know this is hard. I am so sorry that your son has placed you in this damned-if-you do/damned-if-you-don't situation. I'm saying a prayer for you, girl!!! And for your son. . .
Lynn
xoxo
We all know what the Naranon/Tough Love answer is to your question. And we all know what it is like to have your child pushing every button to try to get you to do what they want. And we all know how bad it feels to tell our children "No." And then we worry about our kids. So, we second, third & fourth guess ourselves whatever decision we make.
All of this is to say, I will support 10000% whatever decision you make. There is no right or wrong answer. I see every one's point -- from NY who suggests that you dig deep down in your purse to Con's line, "not your monkey, not your show," and everything in between. I personally am worried that if he lost his truck, he'd make a bee line to your house. And, I'd do almost anything to prevent that from being an option. At the same time, you don't want him to think that Mommy & Daddy National Bank is open for business again. Oh. . .it is soooo hard to love an addict child!!! With that said. . .All I can offer on this one is a huge hug!!!
I agree that you have to protect & fortify your home before you leave regardless of what you decide. Yes, get an alarm system. If you can't get Slomin or ADT to install in time, I think Home Depot/Lowes sells DIY systems. Can you get cameras -- real or fake? Call the police and ask them to check on your place while you are gone. Since the cops won't come every day, ask a neighbor or close friend to also come by and make sure everything is ok. (Shoot. . .I'd ask several people to pop by at different times of the day.) Remove jewelry and other valuables; place them in a safe deposit box, storage, any place but in or around your house. Change the locks/Put in dead bolts. Hell, depending on how long you are to be gone, I'd install a doggie door and rent a pit bull who has a bad attitude and let him have the run of the house.
I know this is hard. I am so sorry that your son has placed you in this damned-if-you do/damned-if-you-don't situation. I'm saying a prayer for you, girl!!! And for your son. . .
Lynn
xoxo
Lori,
I feel what you are going through and it's so much easier to give in and not listen to the phone calls. Last month it was only$250 how did it jump so much.
Yesterday I got an ear full how bad I was because I stop enabling at a bad time. I should of not did the things I did before because that wasn't help. This time I am clean and have been a year(almost choked on that one) and I am trying so hard to keep clean. This was a new phrase.
When I was using it was easy to pick myself up but now that I am sober I just can't get a break?
Not sure if he understood that himself! But end of the day. Finally I said are you asking for money? He said no I am just telling you I don't have any and I can't get ahead. My evil self said you got this you can do this.
No one can give you a yes or no answer we are not living in your shoes. If you don't do it and something happen will you feel guilty probably. If you do it and next month he will be calling again will you be mad at yourself and feel guilty again for giving probably.
I would be inclined to protect my house, warn the police that your son has threaten that he will either rob you or do something criminal. Also can you be sure 100% sure that he hasn't already done something illegal?
My neighbor has a great saying' suck it up buttercup' and maybe you should use it on your son lolol..
Try to disengage your son, ignore phone calls and take yourself out of the picture. Remember this if you end up sick or worse, what would he do? Move on to someone else he can use emotional blackmail.
I am so sorry Lori, right now I have the devil addict son on my backside and my heart says give in, but I look at my husband and think how many years we worked how hard he has tried to be a dad to my son. How hard I tried, how hard my other children have tried. Thousands of dollars, tears and sleepless nights and nothing changes.
Please feel my hugs sweet lady.
Sue xxx
I feel what you are going through and it's so much easier to give in and not listen to the phone calls. Last month it was only$250 how did it jump so much.
Yesterday I got an ear full how bad I was because I stop enabling at a bad time. I should of not did the things I did before because that wasn't help. This time I am clean and have been a year(almost choked on that one) and I am trying so hard to keep clean. This was a new phrase.
When I was using it was easy to pick myself up but now that I am sober I just can't get a break?
Not sure if he understood that himself! But end of the day. Finally I said are you asking for money? He said no I am just telling you I don't have any and I can't get ahead. My evil self said you got this you can do this.
No one can give you a yes or no answer we are not living in your shoes. If you don't do it and something happen will you feel guilty probably. If you do it and next month he will be calling again will you be mad at yourself and feel guilty again for giving probably.
I would be inclined to protect my house, warn the police that your son has threaten that he will either rob you or do something criminal. Also can you be sure 100% sure that he hasn't already done something illegal?
My neighbor has a great saying' suck it up buttercup' and maybe you should use it on your son lolol..
Try to disengage your son, ignore phone calls and take yourself out of the picture. Remember this if you end up sick or worse, what would he do? Move on to someone else he can use emotional blackmail.
I am so sorry Lori, right now I have the devil addict son on my backside and my heart says give in, but I look at my husband and think how many years we worked how hard he has tried to be a dad to my son. How hard I tried, how hard my other children have tried. Thousands of dollars, tears and sleepless nights and nothing changes.
Please feel my hugs sweet lady.
Sue xxx
I was reading your posts and thinking how all this stuff just really sucks. Never ending no matter what you do to end it. It was always easier for me to pay for things BEFORE they went to collections or incurred late fees. It saved me money, but what I was actually doing was paying bills that werent mine. That is one of the ten commandments of enablers to not pay bills that arent yours. I could have saved a bunch of money by not paying them at all. Your son owed $200 & some odd dollars and now it is $700 or so (including legal fees)? Those loan places are such a rip off!
I just wonder if you pay this month, what he will do when the payment is due next month. Is this the start of a regular request that he is going to somehow coerce you into paying? 10 months of payments is a long time to pay with no job and you cant find a job while living in your car. When you say no now or next month he will probably show up at your house to persuade you with face to face intimidation. Can he continue to live in his car during the winter? Maybe the weather there is warmer than some places.
I tried moving out onceeven packed a bag, but the family wouldnt let me leave. I wanted to run away from home and hide where my son couldnt find me. I understand where you are coming from. We have all been where you are and the decision is not an easy one to make. You have our support not matter what you do!
I just wonder if you pay this month, what he will do when the payment is due next month. Is this the start of a regular request that he is going to somehow coerce you into paying? 10 months of payments is a long time to pay with no job and you cant find a job while living in your car. When you say no now or next month he will probably show up at your house to persuade you with face to face intimidation. Can he continue to live in his car during the winter? Maybe the weather there is warmer than some places.
I tried moving out onceeven packed a bag, but the family wouldnt let me leave. I wanted to run away from home and hide where my son couldnt find me. I understand where you are coming from. We have all been where you are and the decision is not an easy one to make. You have our support not matter what you do!
Any child of mine that says things like If you don't give me money I will end up in prison...but by the way have a great xmas... wouldn't get a god damn dime. Im sorry but he sounds like a 5 yr old. He throws tantrums just like a child. He's a selfish self centered little a******. I have to say these sarcastic remarks he's always throwing at you ...to GUILT you has really pissed me off...and THIS is how WE codependents relapse...you relay all his texts word for word....then ask us what to do...how should respond? We all jump in and throw out answers...and for a short while we are focused on your addict...the DRAMA... and it goes on and on and on and on....
why he said he is to go to prison ? I don't understand? Another thing I don't understand why he gave her ex your phone number? He could guess what you will tell her and what consequences will be...
Haven't posted for 2 days because I am trying hard to keep calm and composed!!!! My husband gave in and has undone everything I have accomplished over the last 5 months!
He paid my son's car title loan and also his car insurance through December. Told him that was his Christmas present! When I found out and confronted him, he said that he couldn't stand the thought of him living on the streets or in the woods and it will at least give him his car to live in over the holidays! I told him that it will all be just a temporary patch until January and then he will be right back at begging for the same things!
My husband text him that if he gets his life together he can choose to be part of this family, but if not, then don't call us and don't ask for money. Haaha!! This is just a repeat of everything before! I know my husband is older and he said he doesn't want to die knowing that Chris is homeless. I said get ready cause he will be, but only if we stop enabling him will he ever have a chance to get better.
I was so angry I couldn't even talk to my husband but I understand what he was feeling. I just feel like all I have done and gone through the last months is lost!! Our son text "thanks so much". I didn't respond.
Well looks like 2017 will be a repeat of the past with more begging and same old crap! I am so over all this! I will not give in in Jan. when he is back in the same the scenario!! I told my husband he cannot do this anymore because it only hurts Chris and me! He said he thought it would help me get through the holidays without all the drama and stop Chris for awhile--lol!
I said Chris is an addict and he won't ever stop until we do!!!!
Anyway to say the least I am a basket case and I feel like everything just went down the drain!
Sad sad day!!
Lori
He paid my son's car title loan and also his car insurance through December. Told him that was his Christmas present! When I found out and confronted him, he said that he couldn't stand the thought of him living on the streets or in the woods and it will at least give him his car to live in over the holidays! I told him that it will all be just a temporary patch until January and then he will be right back at begging for the same things!
My husband text him that if he gets his life together he can choose to be part of this family, but if not, then don't call us and don't ask for money. Haaha!! This is just a repeat of everything before! I know my husband is older and he said he doesn't want to die knowing that Chris is homeless. I said get ready cause he will be, but only if we stop enabling him will he ever have a chance to get better.
I was so angry I couldn't even talk to my husband but I understand what he was feeling. I just feel like all I have done and gone through the last months is lost!! Our son text "thanks so much". I didn't respond.
Well looks like 2017 will be a repeat of the past with more begging and same old crap! I am so over all this! I will not give in in Jan. when he is back in the same the scenario!! I told my husband he cannot do this anymore because it only hurts Chris and me! He said he thought it would help me get through the holidays without all the drama and stop Chris for awhile--lol!
I said Chris is an addict and he won't ever stop until we do!!!!
Anyway to say the least I am a basket case and I feel like everything just went down the drain!
Sad sad day!!
Lori
Lori
I am so sorry to hear that. I'm sure your husband had good intentions. It's done, let it go
And move on. I haven't posted lately but have been reading and praying for y'all.
Breaks my heart for all the people that are struggling.
Take a deep breath and stay strong.
Hugs
PAULA
I am so sorry to hear that. I'm sure your husband had good intentions. It's done, let it go
And move on. I haven't posted lately but have been reading and praying for y'all.
Breaks my heart for all the people that are struggling.
Take a deep breath and stay strong.
Hugs
PAULA
Hi Duchess,
It looks like your husband had a slip up. It's done, now start over.
May I make a gentle suggestion - although this message board is a wonderful tool, face to face meetings with a support group or a counselor with you & your husband would be good. You've done a lot of growth in the last several months. Maybe it's time to look at other methods to strengthen your family's resolve?
It looks like your husband had a slip up. It's done, now start over.
May I make a gentle suggestion - although this message board is a wonderful tool, face to face meetings with a support group or a counselor with you & your husband would be good. You've done a lot of growth in the last several months. Maybe it's time to look at other methods to strengthen your family's resolve?
Oh man...Im so sorry! Just an FYI....Im not sure who's name ect truck is in but I and many others (addicts) resort to driving dealers around to deliver ect and use in the vehicle to get paid in drugs. I have also"borrowed"cars to them...yes ...cars...with an S....got paid in drugs and they many times will not come back. Then you have a hefty fine from the tow...impound lot...if the car is not trashed. Be aware.
I think getting well on both sides of the coin...is a process...we live and learn....your old man just isn't where you are yet...he may never be...or he'll get there in his own time...nothing you can do but set your boundaries and let him and son know what you'll accept and what you won't ...and what your consequences will be....u cant force the river...so take care of yourself ...let go...try to disengage from the drama ...and ya...Jens right...and ya...its a cycle...and ya...you get it now..so pat yourself on the back ..you've come a long way in your recovery...nothing has been lost...just another learning curve...smiles to you
Con
Con
