I am trying hard not to score. Only score once a week now, once too many I know.
Part of recovery is staying away from other users but I find I am missing these people. Since I lost small amount of friends I had I'm now feeling pretty lonely. My drug worker says they aren't true friends since they only contacted me when they needed money or someone with a car to go and score. But I really felt welcome in their company, I could be myself.
I have just started college and feel really out of place but I did well on my first exam. I really want to stay clean and prove to myself I am not a total waste of space!
Sorry for babbling on, just wanted to get it off my chest.
Take care and stay safe.
Guest, hey and welcome.
I absolutely understand what you mean. It's a self-esteem thing I truly believe.
PLUS it was habit. You know the lay down with dogs thing. You were used to those people, and right now you're thinking of only the good times. Just my opinion though.
Example is a girl who posts on here was my childhood friend. A friend I to this day honestly will lay on fire for. I got a clean just a bit before her. She got out of rehab and called me right away, and I stered clear. For quite some time. She's the best friend a single human can have, but back then I'd have risked her and me if we got right back together.
NOW after two years we're cool, but I think your worker is right. Perhaps try ad meet new people at school. They have no idea of your past, and you'll be replacing all that dope crap with interesting, nice people.
Hang on there. You're doing very well. Real good. Don't stop now.
I absolutely understand what you mean. It's a self-esteem thing I truly believe.
PLUS it was habit. You know the lay down with dogs thing. You were used to those people, and right now you're thinking of only the good times. Just my opinion though.
Example is a girl who posts on here was my childhood friend. A friend I to this day honestly will lay on fire for. I got a clean just a bit before her. She got out of rehab and called me right away, and I stered clear. For quite some time. She's the best friend a single human can have, but back then I'd have risked her and me if we got right back together.
NOW after two years we're cool, but I think your worker is right. Perhaps try ad meet new people at school. They have no idea of your past, and you'll be replacing all that dope crap with interesting, nice people.
Hang on there. You're doing very well. Real good. Don't stop now.
Alright G....echo Bryns words..heroin can bind people together..a common goal etc.but yer drug worker is basically right.when your leading the druglife as i did for many years taking smack with the same group you can feel you are all in one lil cosy club..they understand the need,desire,rush of scoring&using...but take away the one magic ingrediant what have you got a bunch of polarised bickering,resentful folks.I know how hard it is dropping these "friends"but if youve got any chance of staying clean..its one of the 1st aspects of yer druglife ya change.Your doin good realising change must happen&best of luck in your battle....take care ...Davey
..Guest..
..You know if you get back in with your old "scoring buddies"..your gonna be scoring more than once a week ?..you,ve come this far..if you take a step back all the work you,ve done on yaself will all be a waste..there,s no better place to make new mates than at college..give yaself a couple of months and your old scag mates will be forgotten (if ya wanna forget them that is ?)..good luck..
Robbie..
..You know if you get back in with your old "scoring buddies"..your gonna be scoring more than once a week ?..you,ve come this far..if you take a step back all the work you,ve done on yaself will all be a waste..there,s no better place to make new mates than at college..give yaself a couple of months and your old scag mates will be forgotten (if ya wanna forget them that is ?)..good luck..
Robbie..
Alright..Robbie..hope alls goin good with yerself&Charley..im in one of those overpriced net.cafes..p.cstill up the swanney.Take care mate..talk soon ...Davey
..Davey..
..Alright mate..long time no see..they,re handy places to have about those cafes..i did,nt realise you was a single dad mate..i thought you had your girl staying over here and there..respect to ya mate..it ain,t easy but shes at a good age..charleys doing real well cheers..as ya know they,re on school hols..hes gone scrambling with his youth club..cor mate never had them things in my days as a kid..be lucky if they took us down the coast once a year lol..im ok aswell..just getting over the flu..back to work on monday..looking forward to xmas etc etc ..but apart from that..just taking life as it comes..hows yaself..wot ya been up to ?..Robbie..
..Alright mate..long time no see..they,re handy places to have about those cafes..i did,nt realise you was a single dad mate..i thought you had your girl staying over here and there..respect to ya mate..it ain,t easy but shes at a good age..charleys doing real well cheers..as ya know they,re on school hols..hes gone scrambling with his youth club..cor mate never had them things in my days as a kid..be lucky if they took us down the coast once a year lol..im ok aswell..just getting over the flu..back to work on monday..looking forward to xmas etc etc ..but apart from that..just taking life as it comes..hows yaself..wot ya been up to ?..Robbie..
Hi - be who you're are becoming, not who you used to be. Experience is growth. I totally understand where you're coming from. When I made the decision to get clean, I moved to a new flat, and although I loved having my very own place, the loneliness was crippling for those first few months. I did all sorts to try and remedy the situation, and in the beginning, I felt like you, totally alien, like nobody could ever understand where I'd been, and my life experiences were so vastly different to anything that normal folks could ever imagine. It was like an invisible barrier between me and them. Sometimes I felt like scoring just to I could have some company that understood me. Don't let yourself be swallowed by the fear. Of course your using buddies will welcome you back to the fold with open arms - seeing you fail makes them feel better about their own miserable lives.
Now you are at college, take advantage of the fact that you get to mix with people. You have to cut yourself off from your using friends. It's imperative to your survival. And trust me, you will find people to fill the void. You just have to make one good friend, and you'll be introduced to a whole new life. I thought that everybody I met would be boring compared to what I was used to. With heroin, you find yourself a member of an underground club, with those strangely close relationships. You already know the worst thing about each other, so it's easy to be open, and that is very appealing, coz it's hard to be open when so much of you is consumed with addiction - you feel like you're going to be judged by every "normal" person who finds out about it. But you have to be strong, and do some soul searching. Try to come to terms with your addiction, and stop punishing yourself. Don't be ashamed of who you are. Stop this once a week scoring, and you'll find some pride. Put your head up high, and tell yourself that you are as good, if not better than the next person, coz you had the guts and determination to turn your life around. You've been tested to the core and you came through. And if people judge you badly, then they're just not fit to walk in your shadow. My addiction made me a better person. I don't regret it, I had things to contend with that most folks couldn't even begin to imagine, and if I can look in my heart and like who I am, then that's all that matters.
One of the most amazing things that happened after giving up the gear was that I met all kinds of different people. People who weren't going to rob me the moment I dropped my guard. People who stuck around, just because they liked me, not because I had a car, and contacts, and could get them drugs. And people who were immensely good fun, who had just as wild and interesting a life as I had. We all f*** up in our own ways, and all have our own fun. It takes bravery to laugh about it and be yourself. It takes confidence. Don't be afraid. Many people do see the person beneath, and don't judge. And believe it or not, some people look at me with a kind of awe and envy, coz I never took the easy road, I've had a wild and wonderful life, and I've done things that they will never experience. So look people in the eye and speak your mind. Soon you'll forget what loneliness is.
Just look at me. I stopped using heroin in June 2005 and came off subutex this spring. Now I'm just about it get the keys to my new house, and I'm going to have my baby girl in my arms in 19 weeks. I won't tell you that it's been easy, but it's been worth it, and to be honest, life on heroin was dull and boring compared to how it is now. I don't tell everybody about my addiction - it's a private thing, and I only share with people I really trust. But if anybody asks me about it, I tell 'em straight. In fact, if it ever get's thrown back in my face, I relish it. Call me a junkie? Must have taken you all year to think that one up! Let's face it, if "junkie" is the worst thing you get called, things can't be that bad. I mean, it's not exactly news to you, is it? If you're anything like me, you've called yourself a whole lot worse than that! I once heard someone talking about me in the toilet, saying "never trust a skag-head". And this person had just given me money to buy some charlie for them - apparantly it's OK to use cocaine, it's just heroin that makes you into a threeheaded beast - I handed them back their money and told them to f*** off and never speak to me again. It was them who was crying and asking to be forgiven at the end of the night, not me.
Life get's easier, the more you commit to making life better. It's just the transition that's daunting.
take care
Diff
Now you are at college, take advantage of the fact that you get to mix with people. You have to cut yourself off from your using friends. It's imperative to your survival. And trust me, you will find people to fill the void. You just have to make one good friend, and you'll be introduced to a whole new life. I thought that everybody I met would be boring compared to what I was used to. With heroin, you find yourself a member of an underground club, with those strangely close relationships. You already know the worst thing about each other, so it's easy to be open, and that is very appealing, coz it's hard to be open when so much of you is consumed with addiction - you feel like you're going to be judged by every "normal" person who finds out about it. But you have to be strong, and do some soul searching. Try to come to terms with your addiction, and stop punishing yourself. Don't be ashamed of who you are. Stop this once a week scoring, and you'll find some pride. Put your head up high, and tell yourself that you are as good, if not better than the next person, coz you had the guts and determination to turn your life around. You've been tested to the core and you came through. And if people judge you badly, then they're just not fit to walk in your shadow. My addiction made me a better person. I don't regret it, I had things to contend with that most folks couldn't even begin to imagine, and if I can look in my heart and like who I am, then that's all that matters.
One of the most amazing things that happened after giving up the gear was that I met all kinds of different people. People who weren't going to rob me the moment I dropped my guard. People who stuck around, just because they liked me, not because I had a car, and contacts, and could get them drugs. And people who were immensely good fun, who had just as wild and interesting a life as I had. We all f*** up in our own ways, and all have our own fun. It takes bravery to laugh about it and be yourself. It takes confidence. Don't be afraid. Many people do see the person beneath, and don't judge. And believe it or not, some people look at me with a kind of awe and envy, coz I never took the easy road, I've had a wild and wonderful life, and I've done things that they will never experience. So look people in the eye and speak your mind. Soon you'll forget what loneliness is.
Just look at me. I stopped using heroin in June 2005 and came off subutex this spring. Now I'm just about it get the keys to my new house, and I'm going to have my baby girl in my arms in 19 weeks. I won't tell you that it's been easy, but it's been worth it, and to be honest, life on heroin was dull and boring compared to how it is now. I don't tell everybody about my addiction - it's a private thing, and I only share with people I really trust. But if anybody asks me about it, I tell 'em straight. In fact, if it ever get's thrown back in my face, I relish it. Call me a junkie? Must have taken you all year to think that one up! Let's face it, if "junkie" is the worst thing you get called, things can't be that bad. I mean, it's not exactly news to you, is it? If you're anything like me, you've called yourself a whole lot worse than that! I once heard someone talking about me in the toilet, saying "never trust a skag-head". And this person had just given me money to buy some charlie for them - apparantly it's OK to use cocaine, it's just heroin that makes you into a threeheaded beast - I handed them back their money and told them to f*** off and never speak to me again. It was them who was crying and asking to be forgiven at the end of the night, not me.
Life get's easier, the more you commit to making life better. It's just the transition that's daunting.
take care
Diff
Hi, thank you all so much for answering me, especially Diff.
Guess what? I've been invited to the college Chrismas night out!!! AND since I'm no longer using I have money to go.
Sometimes I still feel so guilty about my past but for the sake of my family and my sanity I'll keep plodding on.
Take care and stay safe.
Susan x.
Guess what? I've been invited to the college Chrismas night out!!! AND since I'm no longer using I have money to go.
Sometimes I still feel so guilty about my past but for the sake of my family and my sanity I'll keep plodding on.
Take care and stay safe.
Susan x.
Hi Susan, I'm so proud of you! You're going to have a great night out, I'm sure. I know how diffiuclt things can be when you're in that "in between" phase. When you've done so much hard work, you've been to hell and back in order to try and conquer your demons, and life just feels like a struggle. I remember thinking that I've done everything I was supposed to do, now I want my reward. I want to feel happy. And for a while I didn't. I just felt desperate. But like you said in your last post. You have to just plod on. Because the only way out is through. You can't go back, because you already know where that leads, so the only way is forward. Even if sometimes it feels like you are just going through the motions. You will get your reward, probably when you least expect it.
You deserve to have some fun, so let your hair down and be the wonderful, strong, brave, person that you are. You know, people like you and me, we're statistical miracles. So few addicts make it to where you are now, and that didn't happen by luck you know. It happened because of your courage and determination. So take a moment to reflect on that, and realise how very special you are, coz it takes a very special person to do what you have done. Let go of all the guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Nobody else had to deal with your own particular set of problems, and you dealt with them in the best way you could at the time. And girl, you came through. You realised that you'd got yourself into an awful mess, and you managed to get yourself out of it, and for that you should be congratulated. It's a bigger achievement than most people ever make in their lives. Hell, getting my degree was as easy as breathing compared to coming off heroin. And it's an accomplishment that is normally just a private thing between "me, myself, and I", coz it's something that we tend to feel we have to hide, because we're made to feel ashamed of our addiction. But I know what it's taken for you to get where you are now, and I think you are amazing.
love
Diff xxx
You deserve to have some fun, so let your hair down and be the wonderful, strong, brave, person that you are. You know, people like you and me, we're statistical miracles. So few addicts make it to where you are now, and that didn't happen by luck you know. It happened because of your courage and determination. So take a moment to reflect on that, and realise how very special you are, coz it takes a very special person to do what you have done. Let go of all the guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Nobody else had to deal with your own particular set of problems, and you dealt with them in the best way you could at the time. And girl, you came through. You realised that you'd got yourself into an awful mess, and you managed to get yourself out of it, and for that you should be congratulated. It's a bigger achievement than most people ever make in their lives. Hell, getting my degree was as easy as breathing compared to coming off heroin. And it's an accomplishment that is normally just a private thing between "me, myself, and I", coz it's something that we tend to feel we have to hide, because we're made to feel ashamed of our addiction. But I know what it's taken for you to get where you are now, and I think you are amazing.
love
Diff xxx
Hey Susan, I hope you have a fantastic time at the Christmas party, you really do deserve it. I can't put things into words nearly as well as Diff, the hairs on my arms stand on end when I read her writing, she is a truly gifted and amazing person, you would do well to follow her advice.
I think that you are going to be okay Darling, you have it in you, just as Diff did to make things right in your life.
You don't have to feel guilty about your past, just learn from it, we cannot change what has already happened but we can certainly make a choice that we do things differently in our future, that is what you are doing..
Take good care of yourself.
Karen
I think that you are going to be okay Darling, you have it in you, just as Diff did to make things right in your life.
You don't have to feel guilty about your past, just learn from it, we cannot change what has already happened but we can certainly make a choice that we do things differently in our future, that is what you are doing..
Take good care of yourself.
Karen
