'Don't know what Im gonna do now. I managed to screw myself up again on New Years Eve. Now I've got nothing to help me out again. I fell like I'm stuck right back in square one. As you all know I'm heading away on the 8th (next Monday) to where there is no H at all. I'm both dreading it and looking forward to it. Looking forward to it coz it's my only chance to get clean, dreading it coz I've noting to get myself clean with and don't know if I'll be able to make the flight. All my meth is gone and the person that I was gettig it off is now dead, I think that's what made my relapsed! I can't hit the clinics looking for methadonw coz the people who are regulars in there take one look at me and run away for some reason. Davey, you might understand that a bit.
Is this ever going to end. I feel so desperate at the moment. I don't want to come back from Spain as I know what's gonna happen, so I'll come back for a week or so, pack up the rest of my belongings and head back. My other half says he won't use when I'm not here, but that remains to be seen.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. My GP is useless, he doesn't understand that addiction is an illness just like any other. I know he hates to see me coming through his door so I haven't been to his surgery in some time.
I've bought my Zinc, Magnesium, Potassium, B6 (100mg) and a good multivitamin. If anyone has any other tips please post.
Thanks for listening, reading, etc.
Hope you all have a great new year and I'll be up there with you for 2008.
I post over on the painpill section, but wanted to let you know someone does care and is listening
Carol
Carol
Dear Lou, I'm not being judgemental, coz I've been where you are now, and I messed up over and over before finally getting it right. I've made so many mistakes myself that I would never stand in judgement over anybody. Yes, addiction is a disease, but at some point you have to stop passing the buck. It's a disease, but not an incurable one, and the only person who can cure it is you. You said the death of your friend who gave you the 'done made you relapse. Think about that for a moment. I doubt if your dead friend stuck the needle in your arm for you (sorry - that sounded sarcastic). No, you made a conscious choice to use heroin, and there is nobody to blame but yourself for that. Beating yourself up about it won't help either.
Stopping heroin after a long addiction is frightening, coz you don't know what is on the other side. But you have to have courage. Everyone who has beaten addiction has to find huge bravery, bravery that you don't know you possess. And I guess not everybody has that courage, but if you want to beat it, you have to find that trust in yourself. You know what lies behind you, and it's not good. So just trust that if you just take that step into the unknown, life will get better, coz it can't be any worse, can it?
Don't over complicate things. Every time you pick up, know that you and nobody else made that decision for you. And every time you don't, know that was your achievement, and yours alone. I was never able to kick it cold, not permanently anyway. I needed help. If your GP won't prescribe you subutex or methadone (subs are better) then change your GP. Do you have a drugs scheme operating in your area? If so, then make use of it. Don't be afraid to admit that you need support. Going away will help you get clean of heroin whilst you are away, but what about when you come home? Life doesn't just miraculously rid itself of triggers and temptations, and you have to know how to deal with them. It takes a lot of work to put right what heroin put wrong, so be prepared.
I hope that you learn to take responsibility for your addiction, because that is your ticket out of it. That and learning enough humility to accept help.
best wishes
Diff x
Stopping heroin after a long addiction is frightening, coz you don't know what is on the other side. But you have to have courage. Everyone who has beaten addiction has to find huge bravery, bravery that you don't know you possess. And I guess not everybody has that courage, but if you want to beat it, you have to find that trust in yourself. You know what lies behind you, and it's not good. So just trust that if you just take that step into the unknown, life will get better, coz it can't be any worse, can it?
Don't over complicate things. Every time you pick up, know that you and nobody else made that decision for you. And every time you don't, know that was your achievement, and yours alone. I was never able to kick it cold, not permanently anyway. I needed help. If your GP won't prescribe you subutex or methadone (subs are better) then change your GP. Do you have a drugs scheme operating in your area? If so, then make use of it. Don't be afraid to admit that you need support. Going away will help you get clean of heroin whilst you are away, but what about when you come home? Life doesn't just miraculously rid itself of triggers and temptations, and you have to know how to deal with them. It takes a lot of work to put right what heroin put wrong, so be prepared.
I hope that you learn to take responsibility for your addiction, because that is your ticket out of it. That and learning enough humility to accept help.
best wishes
Diff x
Diff,
| don't mean to be rude but in all my time being a junkie - I've never had to stick a needle in my arm. Told many a times that's it's cheaper, the hit is better but I've always stuck to the burn. I'm not blaming anyone for making me relapse, but I wanted to feel better. Sadest thing is it looks like they got the wrong one.
It's nearly 4 days since I've had anything and believe me not feeling great but sticking it out.
My mind is gone at the moment with the valium, dalmane, zimmofanes etc. That I can't even post properly,
I'm at addict since the age of 13 to now, I'm 37 (I think) if it's not one thing it's another. When you see wasted people they say "they'll die happy" - do they?????
| don't mean to be rude but in all my time being a junkie - I've never had to stick a needle in my arm. Told many a times that's it's cheaper, the hit is better but I've always stuck to the burn. I'm not blaming anyone for making me relapse, but I wanted to feel better. Sadest thing is it looks like they got the wrong one.
It's nearly 4 days since I've had anything and believe me not feeling great but sticking it out.
My mind is gone at the moment with the valium, dalmane, zimmofanes etc. That I can't even post properly,
I'm at addict since the age of 13 to now, I'm 37 (I think) if it's not one thing it's another. When you see wasted people they say "they'll die happy" - do they?????
lou,try suboxone.my husband ahs just tried it & he said it is really good.
Hi Lou, don't worry about being rude to me, coz as far as drugs go, it's all water off a ducks back to me. It doesn't matter how you take the drug, it's the fact that you take it that's the problem. I never really understood that junkie snobbery, where people who "just" smoke it look down on lowly IV users like myself who have taken up the needle. I used to know a girl who would sneer at me, calling me a dirty junkie coz I whacked up, whereas she was in that superior catagory of "just" smokers! LOL! You wouldn't believe the amount of people who do whack up but pretend that they don't. I just don't get it. Junkie is junkie. Full Stop. Anyway, like I said, it don't matter to me. It never really did, but it matters even less now that I'm clean.
Anyway, glad to hear that you're staying away from the gear. Hope it continues. I used to do clucks by taking loads of valium, but it never got me clean long term. Had to learn the hard way, which I guess is the best way to learn, coz at least then it sticks. We all have to learn the hard way in the end, coz there are no easy answers. And that was my Eureka moment. Finally grasping that there were no easy answers, no easy way out. The way out is the hard road, but it was so rewarding, so gratifying, to find my strength, and to know my courage. Life don't scare me at all now. I know I can take it, no matter how hard. It taught me great humility. Taught me to be grateful for pain, coz through pain you reach understanding, and understanding takes the fear out of life.
hope you find what you need...
best wishes
Diff x
Anyway, glad to hear that you're staying away from the gear. Hope it continues. I used to do clucks by taking loads of valium, but it never got me clean long term. Had to learn the hard way, which I guess is the best way to learn, coz at least then it sticks. We all have to learn the hard way in the end, coz there are no easy answers. And that was my Eureka moment. Finally grasping that there were no easy answers, no easy way out. The way out is the hard road, but it was so rewarding, so gratifying, to find my strength, and to know my courage. Life don't scare me at all now. I know I can take it, no matter how hard. It taught me great humility. Taught me to be grateful for pain, coz through pain you reach understanding, and understanding takes the fear out of life.
hope you find what you need...
best wishes
Diff x
Hey Diff,
I never got the whole snobbery thing myself. Way back when, and I really mean way back when, before I got into the whole 'H' thing there was always the class A & B snobbery as I used to call it. We used to bang out a bit of hash every now and again and wow do I remember the 'junkie' stories, they were looked upon as if they were scum. In my mind people are people. I hope you didn't think I was being a snob because I said I never banged up coz believe me I'm not one. I've been at the receiving end of it for so long now that like what you said it's water off a ducks back. I always get grief from people for some reason, I won't go into detail but one time when I went into inpatient rehab I was accussed of being an undercover copper, journalist, s*** man, I can't remember half the things they thought I was and all because I had no marks on my arms and the way I spoke. Other times, when I'd go to score, if I didn't know the people who I was scoring from they wouldn't sell to me.. Over here there's no room for junkies unless you come from a certain type of area, othewise you're not trusted. It's all bulls*** though, this crap has no boundaries, it doesn't choose colour, creed or class, everybody's welcome. At least that's what it says to me.. Davey will back me up on that one..
The one thing I am sure of is that at the end of January when I get back from Spain I'm going to be a new woman! I'm going to start a new job, keep myself busy and take out my roller skates and skate up and down the seafront untill all the cobwebs are blown away - I'll be skating for a while I guess.
If I have time tomorrow I'm going to buy one of these self help books, you know the ones, build up your self esteem kind of thing and have a good read of it while I'm away. It can't do any harm can it.
You must be so grateful to god for being given another chance at life - that's what I want - to wake up and look forward to the day, rather than thinking, who can I call, how far do I have to go, all the bulls*** that goes with being an active addict.
Thanks for your thoughts and answers I'd like to keep in touch.
Respect.
I never got the whole snobbery thing myself. Way back when, and I really mean way back when, before I got into the whole 'H' thing there was always the class A & B snobbery as I used to call it. We used to bang out a bit of hash every now and again and wow do I remember the 'junkie' stories, they were looked upon as if they were scum. In my mind people are people. I hope you didn't think I was being a snob because I said I never banged up coz believe me I'm not one. I've been at the receiving end of it for so long now that like what you said it's water off a ducks back. I always get grief from people for some reason, I won't go into detail but one time when I went into inpatient rehab I was accussed of being an undercover copper, journalist, s*** man, I can't remember half the things they thought I was and all because I had no marks on my arms and the way I spoke. Other times, when I'd go to score, if I didn't know the people who I was scoring from they wouldn't sell to me.. Over here there's no room for junkies unless you come from a certain type of area, othewise you're not trusted. It's all bulls*** though, this crap has no boundaries, it doesn't choose colour, creed or class, everybody's welcome. At least that's what it says to me.. Davey will back me up on that one..
The one thing I am sure of is that at the end of January when I get back from Spain I'm going to be a new woman! I'm going to start a new job, keep myself busy and take out my roller skates and skate up and down the seafront untill all the cobwebs are blown away - I'll be skating for a while I guess.
If I have time tomorrow I'm going to buy one of these self help books, you know the ones, build up your self esteem kind of thing and have a good read of it while I'm away. It can't do any harm can it.
You must be so grateful to god for being given another chance at life - that's what I want - to wake up and look forward to the day, rather than thinking, who can I call, how far do I have to go, all the bulls*** that goes with being an active addict.
Thanks for your thoughts and answers I'd like to keep in touch.
Respect.
