I cannot taper...I am not sticking to it and I need to just go to detox and make a clean break...I can't do that until March....Addiction..it is so insidious. I can't believe how well I was doing until the whole cancer thing triggered me. I am not going crazy abusing them...just taking as rxed...as far as I'm concerned...not sticking to the plan. It isn't easy being honest. Just so the newcomer sees how NOT in control any of us are when our doc is involved. A terrible illness...I see my alcoholic sister deteriorate and having no joy in her life and I wonder what makes us different? My pills are less conspicuous and don't smell like booze does...I am not sloppy or incoherent. Yet they have a mental hold on me......I used to judge her...now I am just sad. And I cannot be pissed off at myself because I know that chronic pain is hard enough w/o addiction. It is hard. I just don't want it renting so much space in my head, I swear.....every day my mind is obsessed with pills.....how many....tapering....not tapering..I am SICK of it. My colonoscopy is 3/20...I can't go until that is done. Tony is well enough now to stay home w/o me...thanks for letting me ramble...felt the need to confess.I am quite sure a number of you were expecting this. I thought I could stick to it. Sharonn
Sharon-There is nothing wrong admitting defeat.I think you gave it your best shot.You did better than I ever could.
I don't know any true addicts than can taper.
All I can suggest is try not to use this as an excuse to go "hog wild" until your detox.The reason I'm saying this is because It's something I would do .
Please come here on a daily basis to keep yourself accountable.March is around the corner.In the meantime,don't let a lot of shame and guilt rule your life.I hope the detox you go to will encourage you to start making NA meetings.Even if there are times you have to take medications,it's a big help to have a sponsor and other fellow addicts to talk to.
There are people in the program who have to take narcotic medication and they manage to keep their sobriety.
I'm pulling for you Sharon and I've always felt you were doing the best you can.
Hang in there.
I don't know any true addicts than can taper.
All I can suggest is try not to use this as an excuse to go "hog wild" until your detox.The reason I'm saying this is because It's something I would do .
Please come here on a daily basis to keep yourself accountable.March is around the corner.In the meantime,don't let a lot of shame and guilt rule your life.I hope the detox you go to will encourage you to start making NA meetings.Even if there are times you have to take medications,it's a big help to have a sponsor and other fellow addicts to talk to.
There are people in the program who have to take narcotic medication and they manage to keep their sobriety.
I'm pulling for you Sharon and I've always felt you were doing the best you can.
Hang in there.
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| I am quite sure a number of you were expecting this. |
Sharon,
I never expected you to do anything but try your best, and you always have. You're a strong, loving woman facing a bunch of tough choices; I know you'll come through this in the end. I'm glad you're going to detox. There's no reason to do this alone.
YGM
I love you, wench,
Gina
I know I am an addict but I thought I was stronger than the disease..there were times I was..but I am not in denial of the fact that I will NEVER view pain meds as others can...never take them the same way..As they say, "it is what it is"...Thanks guys for not brandishing me It never ceases to amaze me how we think we can "control" it...I don't get much from taking more than rxed except tired...that's the thing...to break taper for a little added relief....although I don't get the pleasure, my addict mind will never stop searching for the original high....and that scares me. Like you don't even own your own mind...It decides what IT wants.....reason enough to stop. I could just have easily taken some motrin.S
good morning gina, tim and sharonn
wish i had time to chit chat with ya this morning but i have to go the the salon today and work,just wanted to say sharonn I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND !
i could never do the taper thing either... but do the rehab after your colonoscopy, i just had one, it is a piece of cake except for the prep solution they make you drink at home, salty! yuk! but i heard you can do the prep in a pill form instead of drinking the solution, some people may not be as sensitive as i am to barium or any of those contrast liquids but in my case i get so nauseas when made to drink that stuff. it is very important that people 50 yrs plus have one every 4 years, they found polyps and removed them before they become cancerous, so really the procedure is easy. just also remember sharonn for me it took 5 hours after drinking the solution to start going number 2 and when you do its like a never ending faucet running on high! so be home next to the bathroom when you do the prep.
sharonn we would never brandish you, been there, understand, but i am glad i went to rehab and a better facility this time around that made me more willing. suboxone has spared me from feeling those awful withdraw symptoms and soon i will have to start the taper for that as i am having some side effects from the sub and feel i may be too dependant on them, BUT i have not had any mind altering or mood stabilizers since july 10th and i have been under way too much stress for an addict new in recovery but so far ive stood my ground. i keep going to meetings and this forum and i need to find a new sponsor to start step work. plus cant forget most importantly my higher power Jesus Christ! but sharonn i believe you will do well, stop feeling guilty, i know how those terrible guilt feelings are. peace, jewels
wish i had time to chit chat with ya this morning but i have to go the the salon today and work,just wanted to say sharonn I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND !
i could never do the taper thing either... but do the rehab after your colonoscopy, i just had one, it is a piece of cake except for the prep solution they make you drink at home, salty! yuk! but i heard you can do the prep in a pill form instead of drinking the solution, some people may not be as sensitive as i am to barium or any of those contrast liquids but in my case i get so nauseas when made to drink that stuff. it is very important that people 50 yrs plus have one every 4 years, they found polyps and removed them before they become cancerous, so really the procedure is easy. just also remember sharonn for me it took 5 hours after drinking the solution to start going number 2 and when you do its like a never ending faucet running on high! so be home next to the bathroom when you do the prep.
sharonn we would never brandish you, been there, understand, but i am glad i went to rehab and a better facility this time around that made me more willing. suboxone has spared me from feeling those awful withdraw symptoms and soon i will have to start the taper for that as i am having some side effects from the sub and feel i may be too dependant on them, BUT i have not had any mind altering or mood stabilizers since july 10th and i have been under way too much stress for an addict new in recovery but so far ive stood my ground. i keep going to meetings and this forum and i need to find a new sponsor to start step work. plus cant forget most importantly my higher power Jesus Christ! but sharonn i believe you will do well, stop feeling guilty, i know how those terrible guilt feelings are. peace, jewels
Thanks jewels...I take the gallon prep and having had colon cancer, am an old pro at the prep(yikes) I will make it but by myself? I think not. I am smart enough to know when I am beaten and this disease has me by the proverbial you know whats...so I am not gonna go "hog wild" Tim..it does nothing for me anymore. The trurth is...it is all so played out and tired, as I am.I am ready for a fresh start and a clean life. I am ready...Oh yeah. Love, Sharonn
Sharonn..you're not alone. I think at one point in time, all of us have tried the taper route, hopeing and expecting "this" time to be different. It just doesn't work. Why are you waiting for detox? If it were me, I would quit prolonging the enivitable and flush em. Get it over with. Does your dr know you're going into detox? Ask him for the same meds they would give you, start going to meetings and get on with it. Sounds so simple and so scary....but think how far ahead of the game you'll be.....Always thinking about you, Lisa
Sharon-
Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. You are certainly not alone in this. I tried tapering a million times, and the pills always got the best of me.
"This time will be different" I have said that to myself a million times. It is not that our intentions arent in the right place, We are addicts and "controlled use" is nearly impossible.
You are a strong woman, that has endured so much, and are truly an inspiration to me.
If you have found a good rehab center, I think that sounds like a great option for you.
You hang in there, and keep posting.
Big Hugs.
Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. You are certainly not alone in this. I tried tapering a million times, and the pills always got the best of me.
"This time will be different" I have said that to myself a million times. It is not that our intentions arent in the right place, We are addicts and "controlled use" is nearly impossible.
You are a strong woman, that has endured so much, and are truly an inspiration to me.
If you have found a good rehab center, I think that sounds like a great option for you.
You hang in there, and keep posting.
Big Hugs.
Sharon wow man your way to hard on yourself. Tapering is so hard. I have tapered off of so many meds some successful mostly not so good.
I am hooked on seroquel. Cant seem to taper past 200mg? I keep trying but I cant figure it out. Cant sleep if I take 100.
Anyway man you got the procedure on 3-20? right around the corner. Then you can take care of the pills.
God your one of the people I most relate to on this board. Please do not be so tough on Sharon.
Your an inspiration-talented very attractive woman. Man you got it all.
Just feel good.
Jeff
I am hooked on seroquel. Cant seem to taper past 200mg? I keep trying but I cant figure it out. Cant sleep if I take 100.
Anyway man you got the procedure on 3-20? right around the corner. Then you can take care of the pills.
God your one of the people I most relate to on this board. Please do not be so tough on Sharon.
Your an inspiration-talented very attractive woman. Man you got it all.
Just feel good.
Jeff
Thanks Jeff...Lisa...the last one I had flared my Lupus something terrible. I don't want to be fresh out of detox only to be in the position of having incredible pain. After any anesthesia you can get a withdrawal effect. If you've just detoxed off opiates it is bound to be worse. So I am just waiting to make sure I am cancer free and all. Thanks guys. It feels good to at least be honest about it. I just cannot have a supply of pills when I am in pain and not take what I need. I am rxed 5 a day...I usually take 3-4. But I am sick of it and I suppose I am ready and willing to explore other ways of pain control. I will prbably be back on prednisone as it works. I know it isn't good for me....but what can I do?
Sharon how much prednisone does it take to keep your pain manageable?
Jeff
Jeff
Sharon,
I just wanted to let you know that I am here for you and will never give up on you. I know pain trigger so much, and I cannot imagine the type of pain you go through on a daily basis. Just the fact that you WANT to change inspires me a great deal.
You have always been there for me... and I will always be here for you. Ok?
Don't push yourself so hard that it's making you second guess your intentions. Take good care of yourself.
Much love
stac
I just wanted to let you know that I am here for you and will never give up on you. I know pain trigger so much, and I cannot imagine the type of pain you go through on a daily basis. Just the fact that you WANT to change inspires me a great deal.
You have always been there for me... and I will always be here for you. Ok?
Don't push yourself so hard that it's making you second guess your intentions. Take good care of yourself.
Much love
stac
Oh Stace! I know you get the disk pain...still have herniations as well as rods. You are a sweet young lady. Jeff....I don't know how much...medrol pack a few times a year. I hope you feel better soon.S
Sharon a medrol pack ? this keeps the pain away?
Jeff
Jeff
Yeasterday I bit the bullet and took what I did when I was on my taper thread....45 mgs. Woo-hoo! I used my tens unit and advil...went to bed at 8 o'clock to avoid pain. I am so paranoid about goung under anesthesia on this stuff...hope to be at 30 by 3/20...seems close to impossible but I am gonna try. How is everyone today. It is a balmy 8 degrees here...Arrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have a good one. S
Congratulations Sharon! I know you're going to do the right thing. I was wondering though, does Tony hold your pills for you?
It's freezing here, too. I can't wait for spring.
Love,
Gina
It's freezing here, too. I can't wait for spring.
Love,
Gina
He was ,but says that I am not an addict(no laughing please) so what can you do? I took out what I planned to taper on and flushed the extra. Some a-hole told me to sell them..nice...very nice...not only be a drug addict, but a drug dealer as well. I think not. Anyway...this leaves me little choice which is what I need..If they aaren't there then I can't take them. So I will learn to deal with pain in other ways. Waited on that e-mail woman.......not that you have a life or anything...lol...where did you get those pix? You had me cracking up.......Black bean doodoo...Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...Love, S
S I just wanted to send a huge(((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))your way & I care about you so much.I will help however I can.
love ,./....s
love ,./....s
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| Black bean doodoo...Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm |
LOL, The caption to that pic read, "Goes out the way it goes in." The site is Engrish.com. The boys and I have laughed till we choked surfing that site.
You know, I found some pills when we got back from NZ summer before last and I don't know if it was the addict or the cheap Chinese in me that really balked at throwing money away. So I gave 'em to Allan to toss. Selling them? You're right, that's a whole other ethical can of worms.
Tony doesn't think you're an addict? Why? Because you also suffer chronic pain? Well, it's certainly a complex set of issues.
Freakin' hotmail. I will now go re-send. If it comes twice in the next day. You'll know why.
Love,
Gina
Edited to say: Morning Molly!
Good Morning Gina!!!!
