I apologize for the length, but I discovered this forum and am reaching out for others going through maybe similar situations, all though no-two are the same.
I will cut to the chase, and then backtrack.
Last week, my boyfriend who was living with me and my parents, was trying to steal pot out of my mom's sock drawer (my mom very very occasionally smokes) as well as pain killers (from past surgeries), and I caught him red handed. I told him that he needed to pack all of his stuff and move out, and that is what he did.
He is from another state, and we met in college 3 years ago. We were dating for 2 and a half years and after we graduated college in May, my parents offered up him to stay at our house, while we both found jobs and saved up money for our own place. He took a few odd jobs, and I completed an internship, which subsequently landed me a full-time job.
Throughout our relationship, I have caught him trying to sneak smoking pot, as to where I would smell it on his breath, etc. I have also found a few times, random pills; even when he was prescribed Adderall, I found a shot glass filled with emptied Adderall pill powder. Every time I had confronted him about it, it always turned into a really emotional thing. After a few days it would settle down and things would be normal. (which, saying this now, the only reason I guess it was "normal" was because I was around him to know that he wasn't going off and sneaking things..it makes me feel so naive and that I was enabling him... I just never truly realized how bad things were). I never did this intentionally. I always thought that he would realize that it made me upset and that he would stop. I would tell myself that every relationship had their problems, and this was ours.
I should have taken this as the first warning sign of his addiction, as every few months an episode of this sort would occur.
In the beginning of this summer I found an Adderall pill, in which he told me a guy gave him at work. I was so very close to telling him that I simply couldn't be with him anymore, but I loved him so much and I think that was the first time I started to realize that something much deeper was happening inside him.
Every time he would go out with his friends, I would get a sick feeling in my gut. I have witnessed him really f***ed up before in college, but at that time, I just figured that it was merely our age and that it was a time for everyone to act this way. I would still get really upset about it, but again, in a few days things calmed down, and in my head we were back to normal. I didn't trust him.
Then, a few weeks ago, we were celebrating my mom's birthday, and right after we ate dinner, he went out to his car. I had a really strange feeling about it, and don't know what made me even feel that way, I followed him to his car where he just tried to smoke a bowl. That turned into a horrible argument, and I began to feel a downward spiral and fear. We didn't talk for a few days and I knew that things weren't right for him to feel the impulse to do that at that very moment.
A few days after that happened, we sat down and I asked him to be honest with me, and that we need to figure this out because I didn't trust him. He said that he didn't have a problem when I pleaded with him, and I think I forced myself to believe him. After that conversation occurred, I thought we were getting somewhere new and healthier.
We have had many conversations about my concern for him. I've tried making compromises about him smoking, mainly being responsible and an adult about it. I asked him to take the mystery out of it, if it is something he enjoys doing once in a while. But deep in my gut, even saying these things to him, I didn't even want him to smoke at all. He would smoke an entire bowl and get so high that I couldn't stand to be around him. He never used it therapeutically; always in access.
He was the same way with drinking. He could never just have one cocktail, even when meeting him after work for a drink. Now that I sit here and write this out, I am coming to realize so many more things that I should have recognized. Guilt on my part is starting to step in, even though I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself feel this way. Now I feel like by taking care of him and trying to work through our struggles, I was enabling him.
3 weeks after that incident was when I caught him trying to steal from my mom. He also stole pain pills and Adderall from my sister-in-law, which we discovered to be true after my mom found matching pills (emptied) while cleaning out his room last week.
He is a great guy, which makes this whole situation so much more difficult. I care for him so much as a human being; all romanticism aside. I hate that he is so self destructive.
I don't want to get back with him. I love him so much and care for him, but I am only 22 and I'm trying to figure myself out, too. I don't have the capacity to help him. He not only hurt me, but my family. The sad part about it, is that he won't tell his parents, who live in another state. He told me that he will be able to do this without professional help.
I sat down with a councilor earlier this week and explained the situation. He made it clear that by kicking him out of the house and ending communication with him, it was the best and most caring thing that I could do. I sent him a goodbye letter, telling him that I cared about him so much, but I couldn't help him. He needed to help himself.
He emailed me today at work, and told me that he went on a drug binge last week, and he thinks he hit rock bottom.
He also said that he has realized what he lost and what he did and that he does have a problem. He doesn't have health insurance that covers any physicians around here, but said he is seeking out AA meetings, and moved in with two grad-school psychology student, who he's been confiding in. He said he could live without me, but didn't want to. I found peace in that sentence. I also don't want to be naive, because this disease causes the person to manipulate their world to cater to their needs. Only time will tell if he decides to get to get help, or he was just saying this because it's what I wanted to hear. I didn't respond.
These are only words, and I just pray that he continues to seek treatment. I feel so scared all the time though, and worry constantly. When will this go away? I wish I didn't care about him so much, but I do. How the hell do I ever trust anyone again?
You are so strong for kicking him out and ending the relationship. Emotional and mental torture is the worst part when having an addict in your life. You are right, you cannot help someone who is not willing to help themselves. There are so many lies associated with an addict so stay strong when you do communicate with him and sometimes the only thing we can do for the people we care about is to pray for them.
Thank you for your words. I just pray that he realizes that he needs to seek help, and actually do it. I can't stand the thought of him falling victim to this.
Sounds like you need support just like I do. My names Evan and I would love a penpal so to speak.. someone who relates and can be supporting. I have a story very similar but I dont want everyone to listen right now. Evangray66@gmail. Com ... msg me if you would like to. I could really use some support. I am 24 so we are close in age. Hope to hear from you. .... and stay strong.. You did what was necessary.
You are young and these are preciouus years and they go by so fast.
It is nice to worry and care for another person but he has to figure out himself how and if he wants to change his life.
Sooner or later he might turn to heavier stuff such as Coke, Crack....
Wasting precious years of your life would not be so wise.
You can only pray for him and when he decides to change there is a lot of support out there.
He is the one who has to make the effort and no one should make that effort for them.
The problem is that when you want to help these people you too become the slave of the slave.
It is a never ending drama.
I hope that you stay strong and get on with your life and be happy.
It is nice to worry and care for another person but he has to figure out himself how and if he wants to change his life.
Sooner or later he might turn to heavier stuff such as Coke, Crack....
Wasting precious years of your life would not be so wise.
You can only pray for him and when he decides to change there is a lot of support out there.
He is the one who has to make the effort and no one should make that effort for them.
The problem is that when you want to help these people you too become the slave of the slave.
It is a never ending drama.
I hope that you stay strong and get on with your life and be happy.
