Well I am back at home and things are going well. I have my bad days and I have my good days. It still feels strange here...so quiet and no one to argue with..lol....dam I used to moan when I was arguing. Its funny the things you miss about someone.
I do miss him greatly and he will always be a big miss by his daughter.
Yesterday morning she said to me "ahhh mammy, poorly eye, daddy smack". Bearing in mind she is only 21 month old, how on earth does she remember. She saw him slap me, she obviously knew when we went outside that he beat me and he had done my eye. Kids are so so clever. I did not know what to say to her...i almost cried. I know this will be erased from her memory in time but this was over 3 weeks ago and she still remembers it now.
I cant believe its almost 4 weeks since Kevin dies. Its his birthday this Wednesday coming. Me and his family are going to go for a meal to celebrate his birthday. We have some fireworks and also a few balloons to write messages on to let go at his grave.
I keep thinking he is going to walk through that door any minute but then I realise he really is gone, I saw him lying in his coffin.
I found a picture the other night of him. There is a big dark line right around his kneck. I will have to try and scan it and get it posted on here to see what you all think.
Anyway early night tonight. Thinking of you all...especially you Emz....keep your chin up hun and stayin touch. Am only a text away hun. Dont be a stranger.
Love ya all loads...Lynds xxxxx
Lynds, I am happy to hear that you are doing well in your home.
I had a thought, because you mentioned the baby saying something about her daddy. Why not get a journal and write down these thoughts, I think it will help to write down your feelings, then when your daughter grows up you can share some of the passages with your memories of Kevin....just a thought.
I hope that you are getting some support, this is a very difficult time for you and your family.
I had a thought, because you mentioned the baby saying something about her daddy. Why not get a journal and write down these thoughts, I think it will help to write down your feelings, then when your daughter grows up you can share some of the passages with your memories of Kevin....just a thought.
I hope that you are getting some support, this is a very difficult time for you and your family.
Hi Bunny,
We were all wondering how ya been. As if to say how the heck can ya be?
Baby girl will like the balloons and it's a nice gesture I think for the birthday.
Bunny, I'm a firm believer that you will absolutely get signs. Pay careful attention as our loved ones often will send little signs to let us know how they are doing. Plus dreams. Usually they are true visits as this is how they can come through.
Janet's idea is wonderful. A journal would be great.
Thinking of you, honey all the time.
We were all wondering how ya been. As if to say how the heck can ya be?
Baby girl will like the balloons and it's a nice gesture I think for the birthday.
Bunny, I'm a firm believer that you will absolutely get signs. Pay careful attention as our loved ones often will send little signs to let us know how they are doing. Plus dreams. Usually they are true visits as this is how they can come through.
Janet's idea is wonderful. A journal would be great.
Thinking of you, honey all the time.
Jana has written in Kenny's baby book about his daddy. She lost him when she was 5 months pregnant, so Kenny has never known his dad. I imagine that she isn't keeping up with it, I think she is moving on, even if it is with another abusive guy.
I think it's a great idea, start a Memory Book for Kiala. Write stuff down now, while it is still fresh, it will be good for you too Lynds, reading back on stuff that happened puts things in perspective.
I started journaling when I was about 13. I have a hardcover book with blank pages, you can find them in any stationary store. I have memories of my son's dad, which I have shared with him. I sort of stopped when I met my husband and wish I had kept up with it. I guess it will make for interesting conversation with my kids after I'm gone...LOL Like, "My mom really did that!" I was a horny little teen and some of the stuff is pretty graphic.
Gotta drink my tea and drive into town for a tub of mar-ja-reen, it's so nice not to have to put out 2 containers at supper and my family actually know what a knife is for and not to dip your fork in your mouth and then the butter...gross!
I think it's a great idea, start a Memory Book for Kiala. Write stuff down now, while it is still fresh, it will be good for you too Lynds, reading back on stuff that happened puts things in perspective.
I started journaling when I was about 13. I have a hardcover book with blank pages, you can find them in any stationary store. I have memories of my son's dad, which I have shared with him. I sort of stopped when I met my husband and wish I had kept up with it. I guess it will make for interesting conversation with my kids after I'm gone...LOL Like, "My mom really did that!" I was a horny little teen and some of the stuff is pretty graphic.
Gotta drink my tea and drive into town for a tub of mar-ja-reen, it's so nice not to have to put out 2 containers at supper and my family actually know what a knife is for and not to dip your fork in your mouth and then the butter...gross!
Yer doin good Lynds as i expected you might...of course theres gonna be sad days but you sound optimistic....and the thing what Kiala said just goes to show how clued in kids can be.....as Janet said the journal or diary would be a great idea...sumthin to hold onto for the future bringing the past back to life in a sense.
All the best to you and Kiala(love that name)............Davey
All the best to you and Kiala(love that name)............Davey
wow--lynds your an inspiration!
Bryb you mentioned in your post about signs. Well first I put my lamps on in my bedroom as I do every night about 6:00pm. Went out for food and came back, my lamp was turned off yet the other was still on. Dodgy switch?? maybe?? but I turned it straight back on so its not the bulb.
I have also had dreams which I used to get when my Gran passed away. Almost as though you have been talking to them and I am a strong believer that you communicate with them in your sleep.
When this all first happened I was talking to Kevin outloud where he had took his life, I held out my hand and asked him to touch me....my hand did go cold but I though, its got to be in my head. Then I had a blowing sensation on my face. I honestly thought I was paranoid and just walked away thinking because I want it so much maybe my mind is playing games with me. Then last night when I went to bed I had the same sensation on my face. I wasnt thinking about anything, and had only just shut my eyes. There is no drafts in my bedroom, I have never felt anything like it. A coldness on my face. I just blew a kiss, smiled and shut my eyes.
I know wherever he is, he will be proud of me and he knew how much I loved him, so I dont need to tell him.
Although its such a waste its what he chose. I forgive him for hurting me, but it continues to hurt knowing that Kiala still remembers what he done to me.
I take her every other morning to his grave and we tidy up the flowers and maybe just say hello and goodbye but atleast I am letting his memory live on.
I think its a great idea about keeping a diary, although I know Kevin was a big part of my life and I will never ever forget him and our life together. He has made me this strong person, and tought me so much in life, which will prepair me for whatever else this life has to throw at me.
I aint getting help, I aint on any medication but I do speak to my gp who I went to see when Kevin started his addiction. He knew my story from beginning to now and it helps just to chat to someone now and again if you know what I mean. Personally I dont think counciling is for me right now. The doctor seems to think I am very strong minded and very intellegant. Everything he would normally tell me to helo the pain, I was telling him.
A week person would crumble, but I am going to learn from this, it is only going to make me stronger and more determined.
Lynds xx
I have also had dreams which I used to get when my Gran passed away. Almost as though you have been talking to them and I am a strong believer that you communicate with them in your sleep.
When this all first happened I was talking to Kevin outloud where he had took his life, I held out my hand and asked him to touch me....my hand did go cold but I though, its got to be in my head. Then I had a blowing sensation on my face. I honestly thought I was paranoid and just walked away thinking because I want it so much maybe my mind is playing games with me. Then last night when I went to bed I had the same sensation on my face. I wasnt thinking about anything, and had only just shut my eyes. There is no drafts in my bedroom, I have never felt anything like it. A coldness on my face. I just blew a kiss, smiled and shut my eyes.
I know wherever he is, he will be proud of me and he knew how much I loved him, so I dont need to tell him.
Although its such a waste its what he chose. I forgive him for hurting me, but it continues to hurt knowing that Kiala still remembers what he done to me.
I take her every other morning to his grave and we tidy up the flowers and maybe just say hello and goodbye but atleast I am letting his memory live on.
I think its a great idea about keeping a diary, although I know Kevin was a big part of my life and I will never ever forget him and our life together. He has made me this strong person, and tought me so much in life, which will prepair me for whatever else this life has to throw at me.
I aint getting help, I aint on any medication but I do speak to my gp who I went to see when Kevin started his addiction. He knew my story from beginning to now and it helps just to chat to someone now and again if you know what I mean. Personally I dont think counciling is for me right now. The doctor seems to think I am very strong minded and very intellegant. Everything he would normally tell me to helo the pain, I was telling him.
A week person would crumble, but I am going to learn from this, it is only going to make me stronger and more determined.
Lynds xx
Lynds you're doing great, but you don't have to be super woman. I'm so glad that you feel like you can still communicate with him. Sorry this is breif but I got dinner bubbling on the stove - gotta go!
love
Diff xxx
love
Diff xxx
Ahhhhhhhh, Bunny how cool. The lamp. Rhonda who posts on PP board had that almost very same thing happen to her recentl after her mom passed. The bedroom light.
BR, I have so much respect for you as you certainly are a very strong person. You see the best in things.
Like Diff said though there's no shame in asking for help. That's if ya think you may need it. Only you know what is best for you.
BR, have ya seen that site called "The Wall"? It's a huge site and you can add your loved one. Not sure if I am permitted to post the link. Just google "The Wall" Plus you may meet people who are in the same situation you are. They give great support. As, does posting on Erin Allens Board. Her mom is a wonderful person and people post there daily.
Just some thoughts. Much love to you and Kaila, and Kevin. Proud of you I am sure he is, honey.
BR, I have so much respect for you as you certainly are a very strong person. You see the best in things.
Like Diff said though there's no shame in asking for help. That's if ya think you may need it. Only you know what is best for you.
BR, have ya seen that site called "The Wall"? It's a huge site and you can add your loved one. Not sure if I am permitted to post the link. Just google "The Wall" Plus you may meet people who are in the same situation you are. They give great support. As, does posting on Erin Allens Board. Her mom is a wonderful person and people post there daily.
Just some thoughts. Much love to you and Kaila, and Kevin. Proud of you I am sure he is, honey.
