Shame

I think maybe, a long time ago, I used to love myself. I believed that I was a good person, who always tried to do the right thing, who deserved to be happy.

The worst thing about this addiction is that it has robbed me of all that. Somewhere along the line--I'm not sure exactly when; it snuck up on me--I have come to hate myself. I don't like the person I've become.

It would take a book to describe just how much the drugs have ruined my life, my self-worth. How they have changed a beautiful girl, full of hopes and dreams, confident and friendly and funny and smart, into a pale, exhausted, self-loathing shell of a woman who can't hold down a job or find any joy in life.

Do you know that my dad actually hides his pills because I was stealing so many of them from him? And I've lost two jobs because of my addiction? Yep, the first job I was fired from for being late so often--I was taking so many Soma at night to sleep that I couldn't wake up in time for work most days. And my last job I got fired for calling in sick too many times, because whenever I didn't have enough pills to get through the work day, I didn't go in. Also, there have been many times that I've spent hours throwing up because I'd taken way too many pain pills and my stomach couldn't handle it. But the worst is that I've been in two car accidents because the meds had made me so tired I'd fallen asleep at the wheel! I could have killed someone!

My question is this: how do I get my self-esteem back? How do I become the person I once was?
Hey Sita:

I once read that we get self esteem by doing esteemable things. When we're clean and start showing up for others when we say we are gonna show up, when we help other people or when we just lend an ear to someone who needs to talk we really start being of service to our fellows. What I have learned from being clean is that it is all about love and service.

Rachel