I have been dating a guy now for 4 years. He's a heroin addict. We've struggled with him getting clean for all 4 years that we've been together. He's done a lot of bad things to me but I've always tried to look past it and understand that it's not really what he wants to do but but he felt he had to do in order to not be sick but it's taken a tole on me. We have a son together now. He'll be 2 in a couple months and I'm stuck on the choice to fight for custody of him or not. My boyfriend went to a detox and did a 30 day program and than when he came home he went and lived in a sober living home in order to keep up with his sobriety but after two months of being home he relapsed. He passed out at the wheel of the car and almost wrecked the only vehicle I own the only vehicle we have because he wrecked all the rest. He got arrested for possession. I didn't bail him out because I had had enough. Now I've broken things off with him and tell him he needs to focus on himself but he doesn't want that and he doesn't want me to go for custody he just wants me to bring our son to see him and tells me that we can work things out and we can just be civil and make our own visits without courts but I just don't think he's taking things seriously. My heart is so torn. I love him to death and am scared this stuff is going to kill him. I definitely won't leave our son with him alone but idk if I should go for custody or not??? My parents want me to because they're tired of seeing me go though this and he's stolen and put them through hurt so of course they're mad. I love him but I just want him to take sobriety seriously. What advice can anyone give??
Dear Shear You sound so torn, You love your Baby's Daddy,but there is a bigger picture here....Your 2 year old son...He needs to be protected and looked out for...I agree do not let Dad see him unless it is a supervised visit ,but with that being said...I do think it is time to pursue custody of your son...if Daddy says anything he has had almost 3 years now to begin a recovery process...1 year in pregnancy and 2 years of his son being here...He wants this he wants that...so what..what he wants...selfish addict...what has he done to show his love for his son. ...if getting healthy for his 2 year old isn't enough...he's not ready to give it up yet....I would seek custody and I would ask the courts for supervised visits until a court officer or the courts deem him to be in the process of a serious recovery....tell Dad it's not about his lip service as all that has done is fallen flat....be responsible and look out for a 2 year old who is not able to look after himself...maybe it'll get Dad to work on himself.Tell Daddy his lip service means nothing..put actions into effect and work on himself ,so maybe his son will have a man to look up to in the future.
Thank you. It's true. He hasn't showed much that he truly loves his son. I do EVERYTHING for our son. He has only been a babysitter. He tells me he loves us. He says he hasn't given up on trying to be clean. He's back at the sober living home and says he's been clean but sometimes when I see him to take our son to see him for an hour or so my gut tells me he's not clean. I am very torn. I do love him. And I've almost lost everything I've had to help him but now that I have my son I can't take chances anymore. I wish I could actually talk to someone who is a recovered addict around my area who can help when I'm confused to believe what he's saying.
Shear, I strongly suggest you get to Nar-Anon and/or Al-Anon meetings. You need help.
Your baby's father is addicted to drugs and YOU are addicted to HIM.
Neither of you can walk away from the very thing that is controlling you, killing you.
You both need help.
Get help for you and the child
I wish you the best.
Bob
Your baby's father is addicted to drugs and YOU are addicted to HIM.
Neither of you can walk away from the very thing that is controlling you, killing you.
You both need help.
Get help for you and the child
I wish you the best.
Bob
Dear Shear My experience with dealing with a addict...listen to my head rather then my heart...although if he is living at the sober house don't they randomly drug test them....I know this us a practice of sober houses....so sad he can't get himself together sounds like he has a woman that loves him unconditionally and a beautiful son....watch his actions and see if he is sincere in his recovery. ..time will tell...
I have recently looked into nar anon meetings in my area I'm working on getting my job to agree with me to have the nights off that the meetings are held on. It's a very poorly run sober house from what I've seen. People come and go and rarely do drug test. They just don't in force the rules that they had listed on the contract. It's better than him living at home because his brother is also an addict who doesn't want to stop at all but still I don't think its the best environment for him to be in either. He just recently got a job and says he's gonna start to try to help with his son. I know I need to listen to my head. It breaks my heart to know that I need to walk away from him in order to help him. I know the kind of person he's capable of being and part of me feels like I'm abandoning him but I know he's got to take this serious and if he really wants to be clean he will do it. I've learned that I was nothing but an enabler in the past and I need to step back.
This is what I came to realize. You are NOT abandoning him, you are abandoning the addiction and the codependency associated with it. If we truly believe that our loved ones are the people that we hold onto then we have to have faith that they can get there if they so choose. We were not born as conjoined twins to our addicts. Sometimes we have to let go in order for everyone to heal. It is so hard but only time will tell. You may be saving his life and preventing damage to your baby. You are breaking a cycle if you leave.
Thank you all. It's hard but I know what I need to do. I hope that he sees in himself what I see.
Dear Shear It doesn't sound like you have ever abandoned him...You have been there and given him many chances....Love is patient love is kind...which you have shown. ..You are a mother first now as you have a 2 year old son...your sons health and well being are based upon Mom's choices and decisions. .make it clear to his father you don't want this addiciton or drug life to be in your sons life...tell him how you feel and allow him the chance to show you and by his actions show he will move in a positive direction....after he starts to show effort maybe the two of you could attend counseling meetings together....no matter what the future holds it would be nice if you can have some sort of relationship with him...your son deserves 2 parents being able to work together for his benefit.....as I said time will tell
..in the meantime if you need to talk...we're here.
..in the meantime if you need to talk...we're here.
I do want to still be a part of his life and give him support in recovery. I want him and his son to know each other but I definitely do NOT want this addiction around my son. I think my most confusing thing is if I should get the courts involved and get custody of my son or if I should talk with his father and we set up our own visits with me being their say we meet in a public place and he can visit with him for an hour or so?
Dear Shear,As long as he is showing effort and taking the proper steps towards recovery it sounds like you will be able to set up visits for the three of you ....I'm sure he is not a bad guy,what's bad is the addiction. I give you alot of credit for being able to separate the two....I hope your boyfriend really does start to get his mind and body straight....how can you compare the happiness of a syringe to the beautiful smile of a.child you created.....I sense alot of love here and I am not one to give up hope....continue counseling,if possible joint counseling and allow visits with the 3 of you...as long as he makes progress in the right direction,tell him you will support his efforts. .in other words his actions will be how you will react ....also possibly there maybe another sober house locally that might be better suited for him...although just because it's called a sober house it is he who must remain sober .....I hate to repeat myself ...a saying I have always hated cause it sounds like a put off to me....but it is true....time will tell....
Time is probably the hardest thing but I know it's true. I never used to know the difference between the two. I wasn't a good support no matter how much I thought I was doing good I was just adding to the addiction. I think that's why part of me doesn't want to give up. I want to be a REAL support this time and than if he doesn't want to be clean I'll know I did what I could.
Dear Shear,You really sound like you have a good heart....believe me as you know we cannot beat ourselves up we did to much to little we helped we didn't help...addiction doesn't come with a how to manual nor do the addict...we are all dealing the best we can....there is alot to manage their want for the drug the bodies need and desire....I use to say to my son I'd take on anything for you....but you have given me an invisible enemy ...I don't know how to fight this or how to help you get better...and it frustrates me to no end....people who only see the addict have not seen the person as we did prior ...addicts are people to...my son is so handsome he makes me smile when I don't want to...his hug is the greatest I have ever felt....that's why I keep holding on...but the sadness comes when I have to realize this is his demon his battle...Mom can't make this one better...Shear neither can you...I sense he is something special you knew him in a different light when the drugs didn't darken him....I understand you want your family...You your son and yes Daddy...go to counseling understand that sometimes no means you aren't bad just you won't enable..understand yes I love you ,but no I won't support you hurting yourself or me is setting healthy boundaries. ..be strong and don't allow anyone to tell you what to do or how to feel....those of us who are involved with those affected with drugs are dealing with our own set of emotions ...allow yourself to feel what you feel and not what they want you to...always here to listen...I understand. ..
That's another hard part for me. I live with my parents because I can't afford to live on my own yet and they don't want me to have anything to do with him. I understand where they come from because he's done some bad things to them also and they've seen me hurt. They just want me to get custody and move on. They don't know him the way I do. I've seen the good in him. I am so close with my parents and don't want to disappoint them. I've always felt torn between him and them.
Dear Shear,Your now a parent and it's a parents instinct and love that makes them love and protect their kids...no matter how old they get or what life hands them...They just love you and I'm sure you understand that...but also they raised you and they know what you are about and what you have in your heart...that's another bridge your sons father will address when he begins his recovery. ...addicts have to realize they cause damage ..can it be erased no...but through their actions their acknowledgement of the hurt there can be a healing...it will change the original footprint of the realtionship but not one of us is perfect and we all have our faults...continue doing the best you can for yourself your son and may your sons father seriously work on his recovery....my prayers to you.
I'm also trying to get custody of my daughter . She's in the temporary custody of her grandmother. I f Ii had the mal-treatment charges my gf has, and she was clean, I would simply not have any chance. Most states favor the mother. I did nothing, but am stuck going through the process..I will end up with custody. Gf unable to provide, but they actually would let her have custody and live in a shelter. Can't be about financial ability. You should have no problem or even a fight.You live with your parents and you are a mother those are your obligations. IF Child Protective Services steps in you will lose your child because you're trying to be with this guy. Best interest of the child. He can't be responsible or do anything for you or your child. He has his visitation rights as a father and should be supervised. After six months clean, a job and secure housing then maybe more. He's your child's father forget about the relationship and concentrate on co parenting and realize there is a good chance you will be parenting this child alone or with the help of your parents..
