Should I Give Up On Him For His Addiction?

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and 9 months. I found out about 6 months into the relationship that he was a crack addict. I tried everything to help him quit but nothing helped. It's been a battle ever since and he would lie to me about using but the signs were obvious. Well recently, he's been pulling a lot of disappearing acts, and he lost his job. I found out he's been doing crack a lot lately, worse than ever. He'll come to my place or school and cry, and beg me to take him back and that he'll quit. Then he disappears again and does crack. I broke up with him because of it, its just upsetting me too much to see him do this, he even "lent" his dealer his brand new jeep for crack but got it back when he got the money to pay for the drugs. Thats how far gone he is.
Its been hard to stay away from him because I do love him so much but he keeps hurting me and I can't take it anymore. He applied to go to Teen Challenge (for men ages 18-35 with addictions) where he goes away on a ranch for a year, no drinking, drugs, nothing! Just extensive counseling and a place to get clean. I hope he gets accepted soon he needs it. But in the meantime I don't know what to do. He doesn't really have a place to live anymore but I can't let him stay at my place since I found out he does crack while I'm at school. And if I am there for him to offer support and love, he ends up hurting me and disappearing anyways. What should I do? Should I just let him go even though he's at his worst right now and insists he needs me? Will this program help him if he does go?
Let go...it will be the best decision you can make for YOURSELF....otherwise you will live a lonely and miserable life in that situation...

You need to live your life for you, not him. With this type of addiction, it will destroy every once of him, coke will either kill him or he will be killed because of it.

Do whats best for you...GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

Good Luck..Let us know how you do.
he wont stop if he knows you will bail him out everytime.
if you love him you will let him go.

he has to see that
it wont be pretty but it will work out in the end

he has to get to a place that he cant stnd himself anymore and wants to stop

i am praying for you
~Adam A
Thanks to both of you for letting me realize that I am making the right decision. This is so very painful but I wasn't sure if I was enabling him by taking him back all the time or if I'm pushing him to do more crack. I haven't heard from him since this afternoon its no surprise what he's doing. Thanks for your support.
Hi,

First how old are you both???

You cannot help him.... He has to help himself... He has to want to stop... He won't do it for you......

My boyfriend Loved me through the worst of his addiction... But my Love for him didn't stop him from using... Once he'd had enough, lost enough, that's when he stopped..... He entered a 30 day in-patient rehab program..... The day he got out he started going to NA... Also continued in the out-patient program... He's hardly missed a day since... In fact some days he goes to 2 meetings..... This month he's Chairperson at his home group meeting....

He's changed so much of his life with recovery... it's AWESOME!! He's gone to an NA convention, he helps people (who also want to help themselves), and hangs with the NA crowd after meetings......

I stayed with him because I Love him... I Loved him throughout..... Sure he pissed me off..... LOT'S..... Each day that passes now, the trust get's stronger.. Just as his resolve to never use again does... He's gone out of his way to make me feel more comfortable..... promised me I'd never go more than 12 hours without hearing from him... And I've rarely gone more than 4 hours...... Oh yeah, we live 500 miles apart.... In different countries...... I'm in Canada..... So imagine the nights I sat here waiting for him not knowing if he was even alive.... And being to far away to look for him...... I had to just sit and wait... I'm not good at that..... He dealt with some nasty emails when he got home.....

The week after he got out of the rehab center he came here to see me... Soon we will see each other again......

So should you give up??? That depends on you..... I stayed and am happy I did..... If he can get into a rehab program, than get's out and get's into NA, sure he has a chance... If he doesn't want to stop himself, as I said, there is nothing you can do...... Only you will know when enough is enough........I wish you both luck... I hope he get's help for HIMSELF!!!!!

Oh yeah, my boyfriend is at 97 days clean now..... I'm so proud of him.....

Formerly Going Nuts
I'm very happy to hear that your boyfriend has been clean for this long now. Thats awesome! I am 33 years old, my boyfriend is 25. We live in Canada also. He's been doing crack now for 9 years and I've been with him for a year and 9 months. Its been quite the struggle.
He was clean from January until April so thats 3 months but that was on his own. He says he can stop using, the question is for how long. I just really hope he gets accepted into this Teen Challenge rehab program. Its for a year and I will miss him since we can't have any contact at all but he NEEDS to go!
I hope your boyfriend stays clean and I hope things work out for your guys!
Hi,

Did I read right that your boyfriend OD'd??? I'm sorry to hear that.....

If he is staying at your house right now, have him read these posts here.... So if he want's help, he know's there is hope....... Does he talk about stopping???

Tell him to stop the threats..... This is HIS problem..... You didn't create it, he did......

There must be something else for him here in Canada..... Where in Canada are you??? There must be another rehab center for him.......

I don't envy you at all...... I'm sorry this is happening..... With me thank god there was so far a happy ending to the nightmare... My boyfriend said he will never go back......

Get your boyfriend to go to NA..... Like today, or tommorow...The people there will help him......

There is a way out..... He can find it...... He finds crack right??? Tell him to spend as much time finding recovery..... The rewards are unbelievable.....

I hope your ok though...... Aren't we the lucky ones who go through this mess sober...... They numb their feelings, yet we get to feel everything..... That part sucks........

Let me know how he is doing when you read this ok???

Hi again,

We live in Alberta Canada. I know of places that offer NA meetings but he's only focused right now on getting into Teen Challenge (25 km outside of Calgary). Its a really good rehab program .He's been to rehab before but it doesn't help. At Teen Challenge, they are completely removed from their surroundings for an entire year, we can't have any kind of contact whatsoever, they live on a ranch, they have chores, they get extensive counseling, Bible studies, Church and they aren't allowed to go anywhere unsupervised. He's really looking forward to going to this place and he talks about it all the time.

But until he gets accepted which could be a week or two, its stressful for me. You are right, they go through this numb without any feelings and we have to go through all the heartache and stress. This has been one of the worst 2 years of my life because of HIS addiction. I hate it and I don't want to live like this anymore.

If he doesn't seek help then I'm afraid I'm going to have no choice but to leave him, even if it means he's going to OD and die because I can't sit by and watch him all the time. Whenever we aren't together, I'm always suspicous he's doing it. I'm suspicous about his phone calls and even if he says he's going to the store or even the bathroom, I get suspicous.

But in the meantime he refuses to go to NA or anything like that he's just focused on getting into Teen Challenge and he's been talking to his pastor who is helping him get in.

I hope so, I hope he goes and doesn't decide to stay because he's afraid of what I will do in that year and he's worried if he's going to lose me over that year. I told him not to concentrate pn me but to concentrate on himself and getting better.

I just wish we all didn't have to suffer for their addiction.
Hello Julie,

I know it must be really hard for you. The guy I'm in love with used to be addicted to cocaine as well, and everytime I think about it, it breaks my heart. I'm really glad he has changed though and he finally realised what he was doing was wrong before he got himself killed. Thank God he realised! Maybe your boyfriend or ex (depending if you're still with him) has a problem that he hasn't told you about and maybe that's why he does drugs. I really don't know what to tell you, but if you really love him and care for him, I think you sticking by him and trying to help him will eventually make him realise he's wrong and it might be the best for you, because if anything bad happens to him, you might feel depressed for the rest of your life. I'm just trying to give you some advice. That's all, but good luck on the situation and I'm really hoping he will quit cocaine.
Thank you...

Well, I have been sticking by him, and only because he's been clean the past couple of weeks. He's been staying at my place and he's been doing really well, so far. He's getting ready to leave for that one year rehab program July 15th. It's going to be hard not seeing him or talking to him for a year but at least he will be getting the help he needs. You are right he has problems that need to be addressed, and hopefully with all the counseling he's going to be getting, it will help him.
i am in the same position julie....good luck with what u decide~! als0-what is teen challange? where is it?
Hi Spinning...

Teen Challenge is all over the States, and Canada and I believe some in Europe. Its for men (or women but they are in different cities or towns) who are from 18-45 who have addictions. They live on a ranch (where my bf is going) and they get extensive counseling, no visits (so that no one can smuggle drugs in), and rehab counseling. They get counseling to get to the root of the problems that made them use in the first place. My boyfriend is almost 25 and he's been doing drugs since he's been 16.
They also do chores while they are there, go to church every sunday and do bible studies. He really wants to do this, I just hope he sticks to it. I'm like you, his drug addiction was ruining my life and stressing me out so much! I've been extremely depressed because of it but its hard to leave. I'm just glad he's decided he wants to quit bad enough to go to this place, most rehabs have a 5% success rate but Teen Challenge has a 87% success rate, remember they are removed from their surroundings for a year and get LOTS of counseling.
So its really good for them.
Hi Julie, I understand your situation. My husband has been a crack addict for 8 years now. We have been together now for 7 years. Like you we were together for 6 months when I found out about his addiction. We have a 5 year old daughter and she does not understand why her daddy is not at home. He is not like most addicts. He will go 2 or 3 months clean and then just leave for work and not come back for 2, 3 days or even a week. He has been gone now for 4 days. Yes it hurts and I am worried sick. Not hearing his voice, not knowing if he is dead or alive is the worst. People tell me I am crazy for staying with him, but I love this man with all of my heart, and I can't imagine turning my back on him. When he is clean he is a wonderful person. He is loving, caring and would do anything for anybody. He is also a wonderful father (when he is here). We have tried the treatment centers, therapy, he even went through hypnosis. Nothing has worked. I will say that his drug use is not as often as it was. When we first met it was every other day, and he couldn't hold down a job. He would take everything we owned, steal everything out of the house of any value when I wasn't home. Maybe I am crazy. I just try to look ahead and see a bigger picture. If he could overcome this addiction we would have a wonderful life. Good luck to you, I really hope this treatment will help your boyfriend. If you really and trully love him you will stick by his side and support him. I know how hard it will be not to have contact with him, but see the bigger picture. I hope it will have been worth the wait for you in the end!
I just went to the Teen Challenge website and have ordered their free brochure because I have heard so many people on this site talk about it. How long ago did your boyfriend apply for the program? Most of these things take so long to get into and by then the person has gotten themselves in even worse trouble.

Also, is your boyfriend a religious man.? My son is spiritual, tho I'm not particularily and frankly it scares me that he might transfer his addiction from crack to god - hey, I know it is a better alternative than the drugs but I'm just wondering how much religion becomes the centre of life for guys who go thru this program.

I must say I am impressed by their success rate. i'm going to definitely mention it to my son and show him the brochures when they come. A year long program sounds like it would do a lot more good than a short one (especially when it has been a long time addiction - in my son's case 5 years) and then out on the street again. He does have his name in for a different year-long program in Vancouver right now but the facility only has 6 beds and he's 7th on the wait list. It could be up to a year before that comes thru and who knows what could happen in the meantime. Also that is in the city and he is a country guy. He is trying to get into a shorter program in the meantime, too.

I sure hope this works for your boyfriend. Good luck to both of you and Hang in there!
CM
Thanks CM and Amanda! As for Teen Challenge, he applied to go about 3 weeks ago, and he won't be getting in till July 15th. So its not that long of a wait. Also they want to see how serious he is about getting in so he has to call every week to let them know he's interested. A year long program is what addicts need because they need to learn how to deal with life instead of turning to drugs. No, don't worry, these people don't come out God worshippers or anything. They basically teach them the bible and all that God stuff, so they have something to believe in, it teaches them morals, right and wrong, etc.

It makes them better people, and my boyfriend is not that religious but he believes in God.

I hope your son gets into a program soon and comes out of this addiction.

Amanda, I hope the best for you too, thanks for the encouragement!
hi again julie~
its been about a month and alot has gone on. my fiance recently went into a 10 day inpatient rehab. (thats all he could afford). when i went to pick him up he seemed almost born again! i couldnt believe it, i was so happy yet nervous at the sudden change. to treat him i bought us a nice hotel room for the night to make up for 10 days of not seeing one another. but first i dropped him at home to see his family and settle back in alittle. we met there at about 10 and he was acting weird. he went outside to get the rest of his stuff out of his car at about 11 and didnt come back in. after about 20 min i went down to see what was goin on and i saw him at his car looking for little pieces of crack he "DROPPED" and sweating up a storm. at first i was so shocked i couldnt talk. when i finally did i asked him if he went and got crack and he looked at me like i was f-ing nuts. when i asked him again he answered like "of course! your dumb for even asking". it hadent even been 12 hours out of rehab and he was doing this again. tonight he is here and has been off and all with his crack addiction all month. when he said he'd be over to fix something of mine i told him to promise me 20 times he would come right here. that was 4 hours ago and he got here 10 min ago. i cant take this anymore. i want so badly to just leave but at the same time i dont. i told him i was giving him his ring back tonight but i still know i wont. he really needs help!!!!! the place you were talking about earlier: what if hes not at all religious? what if he can't afford it? bc right now that seems like the only option left! we're in the same boat julie....it sucks. its b/c of meeting and reading postings from people like you that keep me even sane at this point! thank you so much...<3

~Melissa
mellisa...

man you are in a tight spot but you are going to waste your life waiting around for him to hit rock bottom. he has to do that on his own and if you keep sticking by his addiction he wont ever stop. i am not saying bail on him but you need to bail on his addiciton. every time you know he is doing it and you still stick around he is getting away with it. stop the cycle.
stay strong i know you want to support him but right now the only thing you are supporting is his addiction. let him know that you will not do that you will support him when he is clean but you will not be around him if he is using. dont let him stay there dont be around him when he is high.
sorry to preach
i am praying for you
~Adam A
Hi Juli. I myself am in a relationship now for a bit over a year with a crack addict. I have been to hell, heaven and now back to hell again. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart. I have gone to all extents for him to try to help him with his recovery. He went into a rehab for a month..came out a differnt person....I totally fell in love with him all over again...only to let me and everyone else as well as himself down again. There is no right answer for you. If you want my personal opinion...I say run, as fast as you can, and as far as you can...but people told me that too and I didn't listen....I thought my case was different he loved me and would stop for me....boy do I wish I would have listened when they told me. Your boyfriend does love you and in some way may even beleive that he wants to stop using...but in reality...he WILL stop when he wants to. Until then there is nothing that you can do that will help him. Standing by him is wonderful...but the only thing that will do is hurt you. My boyfriend did not go and get help until I walked away for a month. When he saw that I did not want that in my life. This time when I walk away it will be forever. I will never look back. Being in a relationship with an addict is much more complicated than eveyone beleives. With desiease an Addict can be clean for 40 years and one day just pick up and start right where they left off. If you are willing to deal with that, that is your choice. Do you turst your boyfriend? Has he damaged the trust you had for him so much that it will never completely return? I know mine has. It will never be back. I don't want to live the rest of my life wondering everday if it will be the day I dread the most in my life...when he comes home high. All I want to say to you is, it is much more than standing by your man....it is not your problem to fix. You have to take care of yourself...because he won't take care of you...he needs to learn how to take care of himself first.

I wish you all the luck...and if you would like talk I'm here....
Spinning,

Sorry to hear about what happened to you, but I've heard that story too many times, as soon as they are out of rehab, they go RIGHT to using. It's really hard isn't it? I've talked to rehab workers and they have said that those short rehab programs only have a 5% success rate.
As for the this program at Teen Challenge my boyfriend is going to, theres a $50 application fee, you need to go get a medical so they see that they are healthy enough to get in, and then its $700 entry fee.
Does he have any sponsors? My boyfriend doesn't pay because his pastor is sponsoring him.
Heres the website if you want to take a look at it...http://www.teenchallenge.com/index.cfm
The thing is, its a religious place, and they do a lot of bible studies, etc...but a lot of guys who go aren't religious but it still changes their life. I've heard of year long programs that aren't religious, although I don't know what they are called.
Anyways its something to consider.
My boyfriend and I keep fighting, he really is scared to go away for a year because he thinks he'll lose me, his exact words to me this morning were "I don't want to get out of Teen Challenge and go back to a cheating w**** like you".
He's really verbally abusive, he's stopped being physically abusive ever since I phoned the police and tried to have him charged (not enough evidence). But everyday when he gets on my nerves and I stick up for myself, he says things like you're a piece of sh*t, or he calls me a b$tch. I'm so sick of it that I can't wait till he leaves. I know he acts like this because of the drugs but I can't take it anymore, the crack thing is bad enough but putting up with insults I can't forget that. Once he leaves, Ya I will give other guys a chance and if I meet someone else, I'm going for it.
Good luck Spinning, I hope things work out for you...

Julie
Lost,

Thanks very much for your advice. You have brought up many valid points. Sorry to hear about your situation as well. It just puts us between a rock and a hard place.
To answer your questions, no I don't trust him and its hard to get that trust back. But this is before he's even gone to get help. They need to get to the root of the problems in their lives, which is usually why they started using in the first place.
But I wonder too like you mentioned, what if he gets help and is clean for years and then picks up where he left off?
My best friends boyfriend was clean for 5 years before he relapsed again. But he quit on his own and didn't get any help.
But then again you could meet a clean guy and then he can start doing drugs later in life, I've heard of that too. I just wish drugs didn't exist, I hate them!

Adam was right too, when they are using, don't be around them! When my boyfriend uses, he's not allowed around me, he's not allowed in my apartment!
I just kick him out if he's high when he comes here. Not only that but I threatened to call the police on him if he's using in my place. He knows I will too, last year he was doing crack in my apartment and he wouldn't leave. I phoned the police and when they came in, my boyfriends eyes went big and wide, he looked like he was going to sh^t his pants! They didn't find the crack on him so he didnt' get charged but they did make him leave.

Are you going to leave your boyfriend? I want to leave mine...even if he gets clean, if you read my post above to Spinning, he's so verbally abusive. And if I say a word wrong like just now to him he makes fun of me making me feel stupid and repeats it the way I did, which makes me mad because I've got way more education than him, can get a better job and he's always asking me what does this word mean? (Had to vent)

But yes, once he leaves for this rehab, I'm going out, going to hang out with friends and if I meet someone else, I'm going for it! It just makes me sad that I have been here for him through his crack use and what do I get in return? I get called a who^e and other vile names.