Our son is a coke addict. Apparantly he has done most drugs, but cocaine is his drug of choice. He is in the legal system now and trying to work his way thru. He has been to detox, 28 day rehab, and jail. I doubt he is doing his drug of choice, because he has to take random drug tests weekly. Now he has taken up alcohol. He is out drinking 9 out of 10 nights. He also cannot seem to wake up in the mornings, consequently he is late for work daily - and I don't mean minutes, he is hours late - if he goes in at all. If he did not work for a relative I am sure he would no longer have a job. However, the relative that owns the business does not set a good example, as he is an alcoholic who sometimes comes to work intoxicated - or not at all.
Ok, above is some background - now to the question. Our son lives with us and we would like to send him packing because we think we are enabling him to keep up his irresponsible ways by providing him with food, shelter, car insurance, etc. Is this what we should do?
He does not abide by all of the program rules, but he 'gets by with it' because they haven't caught him. He is not supposed to be drinking, he has a curfew that he breaks daily, and he does not attend the NA meetings that he is required to attend. His room, his laundry, his car, etc. is always undone to an embarrassing degree. He is in debt to us for several thousand dollars for attorney money, car repairs, etc., and I doubt we will ever be repaid.
We wanted to see him thru this program, but it may well be another year until completion (it has been almost 2 years so far.) We so resent his slovenly ways and his deception that it has created an almost intolerable situation for us.
I have been to al-anon and read that we should not try to control the addict, but let them live their own lives and suffer the consequences and concentrate more on renewing ourselves. Therefore, would kicking him out be counter productive? i.e. Are we exerting "control" because he won't conform to the program rules or our house rules? I certainly don't want him to turn to a life of crime or return to the cocaine scene. If we did ask him to leave he has no where to go and no money. His car is again on the blink. We live in a small town and this has been very difficult for our whole family.
As outsiders can you offer any input as to what we should do? (By the way, he is 23 years old.)
Thanks in advance. Sorry this post is so long.
what2do
I'm sorry to hear about your son's addiction...my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I think your own feelings on the situation is clear to the point that you and your husband should follow through with it. Your son is just not ready to change yet, and until is, things will continue the way they are, and can even get worse. When he's ready to change he will, making him leave would only help him in the long run. Making him leave will for sure be a wake-up call, and he will realize that you are not playing with him. I hope things turn around sooner than later for you...
degaille
I'm sorry to hear about your son's addiction...my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I think your own feelings on the situation is clear to the point that you and your husband should follow through with it. Your son is just not ready to change yet, and until is, things will continue the way they are, and can even get worse. When he's ready to change he will, making him leave would only help him in the long run. Making him leave will for sure be a wake-up call, and he will realize that you are not playing with him. I hope things turn around sooner than later for you...
degaille
Thank you for your perspective. I suppose in my heart of hearts I know that is what we should do. My mind is willing, but my heart keeps holding me back - especially on the days he is really, really good.
what2do
what2do
You are in a extremly difficult position. You need to detach with love and kindness. You are enabling your son to lead a slow death. Addiction is a physical illness, with mental components. We tend to switch hit drugs, if we can't do the drug of our choice we switch to another one.....for awhile. We are not in recovery unless we abstain from all drugs, it sounds like he is just biding time until he can again use the drug of his choice. Getting clean means doing some life changing. He needs to suffer the consequences of his addiction, or he will never stop. You are not helping him, by letting him slide. I know it goes against what we want to do, so you have to put your emotions aside and do what you have to do to save your son's life. It may hurt however, you will go to sleep at night knowing you are doing everything possible to help your son. People enabled me for over 28 years that I was in addiction, it was only when everyone stopped that I really saw where my addiction was taking me...it wasn't pretty. I didn't stop using right away, I had to hit my own bottom but, I would still be using now if people would have kept helping me out of my s***. I now have been clean for a number of years, and have a job helping other addicts get and stay clean. Do what is right....your son's life is at stake there is no room for emotions to get in the way.
Thanks for the insight, Sq. It sounds like you speak from experience. We have not yet lowered the boom, but are waiting for a time when we can do it in a kind, loving way such as you suggest. He will have no place to live, no automobile, no health insurance, and no money. Our small town does not have homeless shelters or YMCAs so I do not know what will become of him. The only people who will take him in I am sure are the very ones that he should not be around. To complicate matters he has been seeing a psychiatrist who has been prescribing Klonopin to treat his anxiety. He ran out of Klonopin because he did not have the $$$ to go see the doctor and get the prescription filled. After being without for a few days I believe he became frightened about his physical health. He made an appointment and went to see a medical doctor today and told him all his past history and asked him to assist him in getting off all drugs - illegal and legal. Hopefully is a good step. But from what I read in most of these posts addicts will say anything and may have some good intentions, but usually no follow-thru.
What to do, what to do and when to do it.
Please if anyone else has handled this situation with a child let me know the outcome and what to expect if we toss him out. (Where did you go, SQ? - if I may be so bold as to inquire)
What to do, what to do and when to do it.
Please if anyone else has handled this situation with a child let me know the outcome and what to expect if we toss him out. (Where did you go, SQ? - if I may be so bold as to inquire)
Well, I live in a major city in Canada, so there is many more facilities than I feel might be in your town. I think talking to his doctor, is a huge step. He may not follow through the first time but, I believe once an addict asks for help from others outside thier circle, it is just a matter of time before he gets clean.He may have many relapses however I believe he has made a huge step. I went into a 14 day Detox for Heroin, I went from there(never going home) to a 7 day Detox for Cocaine. I went straight from there to a Recovery House where I lived for 6 months( I work there now). While in that recovery house, I went to Two NA meetings a day and I completed an Intense 8 week out patient treatment center to try and identify the reason I started using in the first place. I wanted clean so bad that I would have walked across a field of Tarantulas if I thought I could live free of drugs if I made it to the other end. I think you are right about asking to him to leave, and him finding comfort in the people that he is trying to afford. I think he was genuine when he asked his Doctor for help, what else would his motives be, the Doctor will not prescribe him any drugs that will harm him if he has admitted he is an addict. I have suggested to families of addicts to rally around, and show great love and support,(overdo it if possible) when they are getting help and showing improvement, and become more distant and back off a little when the are using. I know it sounds cruel and primitive however, when we are in addiction we are at our most basic level of mental compacity, so we don't really have much abstract thought, so we have to keep it simple.
Thanks for the support and encouragement, Sq. I hope and pray that he continues to seek the right kind of help. He seems to be very determined to kick the illegal drug habit. However, I'm afraid he may replace it with alcohol. Hopefully his doctor will give him some input there. I sometimes think alcohol has a greater hold on someone than coke or other illegal drugs. After all, alcohol is everywhere and it is legal to consume it. You have to go looking for drugs.
I will keep you posted and thanks again for the words of encouragement. I wish you well. This is a great site. When my son has internet availability I will direct him here.
By the way, is there an on-line version of NA? I can see where chat rooms may be of great assistance to the drug user who is trying to hold on and needs someone to talk to in the middle of the night - as well as support people who are worried sick and want to give and receive comfort from kindred spirits.
Until we post again......
I will keep you posted and thanks again for the words of encouragement. I wish you well. This is a great site. When my son has internet availability I will direct him here.
By the way, is there an on-line version of NA? I can see where chat rooms may be of great assistance to the drug user who is trying to hold on and needs someone to talk to in the middle of the night - as well as support people who are worried sick and want to give and receive comfort from kindred spirits.
Until we post again......
I too am the parent of a Coke addict. I constantly battle with my addiciton of doing and doing for my children and feeling very guilty when I refuse. I am attending the CA meeting for friends and families and they've all advise using the tough love approach... I live in the US while my son lives in a major city in Canada.. He is on his own, holding down a job, and just received a large inheritance which of course paid of his drug debts and now he is broke again. I've given him info about the CA meetings, which he attended once, he's been to his psychiatrist and went to a meeting at a local rehab center, only to leave in anger and frustration because they couldn't give him an intake/assessment appointment until Mid Sept. My other son, just informed me that after taking his brother to get groceries, he learned that he'd been hitting the local bar and asking friends if they knew where he could get more "white" I don't want to see him starve but for a long time,,,,I'm not even sure maybe a year or two he was using without our even knowing...and he managed, to decieve us all. I just learned he sold most of his possessions and I expect he'll try to lie his way out of this one...he is smooth...I am going to take the advice of giving him lots of support when he seems to be helping himself and withdrawing when he isn't.. His brother is hard nosed and is gong to confront him with what he heard and tell him You show me you're helping youself get over this and then i'll think about helping you again...I'm not wasting my time anymore... .I'm going home to visit for 3 weeks next Tuesday, and I don't even know what to look for to determine if he is still using or not...I don't know if it is a good idea to confront him, to stay with him or to try to set up any appointments etc. for him...I've told him to lose the old using friends...but I doubt he will and I'm sure that's another huge problem...I'm afraid if I try to get him to go to CA meetings etc...it'll all fall apart after I leave, unless something twigs and he gets with it....Any suggestions.../
I too am the mother of a cocaine addict.He had been living with us until he met a girl and moved in with her.She soon tired of his behavior and made him move out.He called us and asked if he could move back with us.We said no.He then moved into a trailer and lived all winter in a trailer with no heat or hot water.He went to work most days and spent all his money on drugs.He bathed in a pot of hot water that he heated on a stove.Soon he was evicted from the trailer and moved into his brothers house.His brothers house was empty because he is working out of state.Then he was laid off.We gave him gas money to look for a job and food .We did not see much of him during this time.Then came thebig blow.He called us in a tearful voice because he was being arrested for burglery.We paid a minimal amount for a lawyer and he pled guilty to 5 counts of burglary.He is in the county jail awaiting transfer to a prison for an 8 year sentence..He now tells us that being arrested saved his life.While in jail he has attended recovery group and hopes to go to a boot camp,which will shorten his prison time.This is what happens when one says no....I do not regret saying no to him .I think it helped him to reach bottom.He has learned a valuable lesson.That addiction always ends in death ,inprisonment, or recovery.I pray for strength every day as well as wisdom to let go of the things I cannot change.So far all this trouble has not killed me .My husband and I love this son desparately but we know we can't make him well.Only he with the help of a higher power can do that.I pray for all mothers out there that are trying to live with this issue.So much hurt and heartache......
Dear Mom Maise:
Thank you for your input. I hope others will let me know the outcome of their similar situations. Your experiences sound very familiar to our own - only we allowed him to return. Our son was also arrested and plead guilty to a burgulary felony - with the benefit of having the record removed if he completed drug court. Drug court consists of weekly meetings and drug tests as well as monthly court appearances, plus losing all rights to privacy - such as home search, auto searchs and traffic stops with a search at will. There are about 3 different phases. He is in the final phase now - after repeating Phase I and II numerous times because he would fail a drug test or break some of the other rules. I believe the only reason that there are not many more home searches is because he lives at home. However, the situation at home remains the same. Lately he has been bringing his beer into the house. I have told him that we do not want to be a party to his deceitful behavior and we are more interested in him getting well than we are him getting out of drug court. He continues to stay out past his court appointed curfew, he drinks alcohol almost nightly, and sleeps half the morning instead of going to work. My husband wants him out, but for some reason he wants me to be the one to issue the marching orders. I was the one to do so previously, and I am hesitant to go it alone again. (Previously I also found him a place to live and paid the first month's rent and utility deposit - which I know now was quite wrong.) He is in debt to us for about $5,000 for various legal fees, bail, etc. He is thankful that he is off cocaine now and other illegal drugs, but he sees nothing wrong with getting a snoot full of alcohol.
Many times I thought he had hit bottom, but it's obvious that he has not. Otherwise, I think he would be attending AA meetings outside his weekly mandatory group meetings.
As you said - so much hurt. Even as I re-read this post I get pretty disgusted with myself for allowing him to continue to live at home.
Thank you for your input. I hope others will let me know the outcome of their similar situations. Your experiences sound very familiar to our own - only we allowed him to return. Our son was also arrested and plead guilty to a burgulary felony - with the benefit of having the record removed if he completed drug court. Drug court consists of weekly meetings and drug tests as well as monthly court appearances, plus losing all rights to privacy - such as home search, auto searchs and traffic stops with a search at will. There are about 3 different phases. He is in the final phase now - after repeating Phase I and II numerous times because he would fail a drug test or break some of the other rules. I believe the only reason that there are not many more home searches is because he lives at home. However, the situation at home remains the same. Lately he has been bringing his beer into the house. I have told him that we do not want to be a party to his deceitful behavior and we are more interested in him getting well than we are him getting out of drug court. He continues to stay out past his court appointed curfew, he drinks alcohol almost nightly, and sleeps half the morning instead of going to work. My husband wants him out, but for some reason he wants me to be the one to issue the marching orders. I was the one to do so previously, and I am hesitant to go it alone again. (Previously I also found him a place to live and paid the first month's rent and utility deposit - which I know now was quite wrong.) He is in debt to us for about $5,000 for various legal fees, bail, etc. He is thankful that he is off cocaine now and other illegal drugs, but he sees nothing wrong with getting a snoot full of alcohol.
Many times I thought he had hit bottom, but it's obvious that he has not. Otherwise, I think he would be attending AA meetings outside his weekly mandatory group meetings.
As you said - so much hurt. Even as I re-read this post I get pretty disgusted with myself for allowing him to continue to live at home.
Friends,Everything you have said about the addiction is so true.I hear these stories over and over.I also understand how as parents it hurts so much and is such a delimma.I know if we had allowed our son to come home to live in our house the last time he wanted to, he would still be using drugs.The pain of knowing he is in prison is almost unbearable.However he did this to himself and he has learned that there is a price to pay for that kind of hi risk behavior.He is lucky he is still alive.
Since your son has choosen to disobey your house rules he has forfitted his right to live there.I would give him a months notice that he has to move and when the time comes put his stuff on the porch and if he makes a scene call the police.Allowing him to disrespect you and your home does not help him.You are enabeling him to keep on doing what he is doing.Don't be surprised if he gets in trouble when he leaves your home.Turn him over to a higher power and pray.Things with addiction have to get worse before they get better.He is not a little boy.He alone must decide if he wants to continue to live as he has.I pray for all families that live with this every day.
Since your son has choosen to disobey your house rules he has forfitted his right to live there.I would give him a months notice that he has to move and when the time comes put his stuff on the porch and if he makes a scene call the police.Allowing him to disrespect you and your home does not help him.You are enabeling him to keep on doing what he is doing.Don't be surprised if he gets in trouble when he leaves your home.Turn him over to a higher power and pray.Things with addiction have to get worse before they get better.He is not a little boy.He alone must decide if he wants to continue to live as he has.I pray for all families that live with this every day.
I have read all of the posts, and understand all of you very well. My husband and I have a daughter addicted to cocaine. She has been in and out of the house, sometimes followed the few rules imposed on her, but was caught with a positive drug test recently. She tried to lie her way out of that, but ,frankly,we can't take any more. She was told it was rehab or she had to leave. She refuses rehab (she was in once and failed ) so, she had one other choice and took it. We have tried everything, psychologists, psychologists, medications, nd she still chooses cocaine. She was out of our home for 48 hours and I just found out that she was taken by paramedics to an ER for seizures and a dangerously high heart rate of 180. She was also told that she would have died had she gotten there 5 minutes later. We were, of course, very upset and met with her last night. She told us the story and that she will never use it again because she doesnt want to die. She wants to move home again, but also not go to rehab and scowls at the rules. Well,that was last night, and we havent heard from her yet. We may not, but we are absolutely certain that this is the only thing left for us to do. We told her that we love her but cant watch what she is doing to herself. We have given her the tools to beat this, she isnt ready to use them. I have 4 children, and I can say with absolute certainty that these are the most difficult times and decisions that my husband and I have ever faced. We do go to naranon meetings, and leave feeling a bit better. I read all of the books, and try every day...no,every minute to stay positive and focused. I hope all of you here will have a positive outcome during such a difficult time. Thanks for the time to vent......Pat
I just want to say this,I think you parents are just wonderful,your kids will one day I hope, realise how lucky they are to have you,god Im 48 and a few days into trying to kick a heroin habit and god I wish my mum was still alive,I miss her so much.
Please pat yourselves on the back and realise that you are all trying to do the right thing by your children and I think that is wonderful.
Please pat yourselves on the back and realise that you are all trying to do the right thing by your children and I think that is wonderful.
From my experience, I wish that my parents had kicked me out so that I would have reached rock-bottom faster. I was a manipulative, fast-talking S.O.B. but they knew nonetheless that I was slowly killing myself.
The best way to control an addict is to control his back pocket, i.e. his wallet. He should NEVER have enough to buy a hit. You should NOT pay for his car insurance. He should pay for the food and shelter even if you are his parents. He works? Set up something with his parole officer so that his pay check be deposited in your account and give him an allowance. At least as long as he lives under your roof. He breaks curfew? Report him. He drinks? Report him.
Remember, your not reporting him makes you a facilitator.
The guilt of kicking him out is far less than that of finding him dead in your livingroom.
I'm sending prayers for you and your son :o)
The best way to control an addict is to control his back pocket, i.e. his wallet. He should NEVER have enough to buy a hit. You should NOT pay for his car insurance. He should pay for the food and shelter even if you are his parents. He works? Set up something with his parole officer so that his pay check be deposited in your account and give him an allowance. At least as long as he lives under your roof. He breaks curfew? Report him. He drinks? Report him.
Remember, your not reporting him makes you a facilitator.
The guilt of kicking him out is far less than that of finding him dead in your livingroom.
I'm sending prayers for you and your son :o)
I just noticed that this thread was started over a month ago.
I sincerely hope all is well for you, what2do
I sincerely hope all is well for you, what2do
I've read all of your posts, and I'm hoping to get some advice/support. My brother (21) is abusing several drugs right now, primarily cocaine. He lives in an apartment with other users in a terrible area of his town(2 hrs away from me and our parents). He is currently holding down a job.
We didn't realize how serious it all was until this March, when my parents discovered that he was barely attending his classes, and dropping out of them as he started to fail them. After almost 3 years of college, he is just at the early sophomore level. My parents immediately cut off funding for school, and told him to find a job. They limited his access to a bank account he had had basically unrestricted access to. We are afraid to cut him off completely as we strongly suspect that he is dealing as well, and would only deal more.
Our whole family is very worried, and want him to get help. So far, he has said that he doesn't have an addictive personality, so he won't ever be addicted to drugs. My cousin stopped in at his house on friday, and told me that there were straws and razor blades all over the table.
What can we do?
We didn't realize how serious it all was until this March, when my parents discovered that he was barely attending his classes, and dropping out of them as he started to fail them. After almost 3 years of college, he is just at the early sophomore level. My parents immediately cut off funding for school, and told him to find a job. They limited his access to a bank account he had had basically unrestricted access to. We are afraid to cut him off completely as we strongly suspect that he is dealing as well, and would only deal more.
Our whole family is very worried, and want him to get help. So far, he has said that he doesn't have an addictive personality, so he won't ever be addicted to drugs. My cousin stopped in at his house on friday, and told me that there were straws and razor blades all over the table.
What can we do?
Worried Sister, Tough Love, Pat, Mom Maise.....
Many thanks to you all for the additional replies. I check the board about every day and read other strings - always looking for magic solutions.
To update the situation, our son is in the process of moving out of our home. To relieve my guilt, plus to reward him for graduating into the after care phase of his drug rehab and actually going to work on time consistently for 3 weeks now, I paid the deposits and first months rent on an apartment into which he is moving. This is probably not the right thing to do, but I did it anyway.I am not a co-sign to the lease, so if he breaks it by not paying, then he will be kicked out and so be it.
I am selling his car and keeping the proceeds. He will be bicycling to work until he can save enough money to pay for an auto and insurance himself. He has continued for 5 weeks to honor his commitment to re-pay his debt to us.
He will be 23 in 2 months and I think he needs some responsibility that will have outside automatic consequences for non-performance, not consequences imposed by our household.
Perhaps this change of address will move the officers of the court to pay those suprise visits that they are supposed to be doing from time to time - and him aware that he cannot hide behind us.
When we were discussing his moving out he said perhaps that is what he needed - a kick in the pants to get him going.
Thank you all for your replies. It does help to compare notes and just vent from time to time. Please stay in touch.
Many thanks to you all for the additional replies. I check the board about every day and read other strings - always looking for magic solutions.
To update the situation, our son is in the process of moving out of our home. To relieve my guilt, plus to reward him for graduating into the after care phase of his drug rehab and actually going to work on time consistently for 3 weeks now, I paid the deposits and first months rent on an apartment into which he is moving. This is probably not the right thing to do, but I did it anyway.I am not a co-sign to the lease, so if he breaks it by not paying, then he will be kicked out and so be it.
I am selling his car and keeping the proceeds. He will be bicycling to work until he can save enough money to pay for an auto and insurance himself. He has continued for 5 weeks to honor his commitment to re-pay his debt to us.
He will be 23 in 2 months and I think he needs some responsibility that will have outside automatic consequences for non-performance, not consequences imposed by our household.
Perhaps this change of address will move the officers of the court to pay those suprise visits that they are supposed to be doing from time to time - and him aware that he cannot hide behind us.
When we were discussing his moving out he said perhaps that is what he needed - a kick in the pants to get him going.
Thank you all for your replies. It does help to compare notes and just vent from time to time. Please stay in touch.
**Tough Love is applauding**
Beautiful! The absolute BEST solution. You get away with minimal name calling(hopefully none) and he gets to test his legs in the real world of responsabilities, emotions and all the things they bring with them, good and bad.
Keep us informed of the developments.
Peace
Beautiful! The absolute BEST solution. You get away with minimal name calling(hopefully none) and he gets to test his legs in the real world of responsabilities, emotions and all the things they bring with them, good and bad.
Keep us informed of the developments.
Peace
It has been a while since I have posted.Some of the issues with our loved one have changed.He has been sentenced to 8 years in state prison.Last week I made my first visit to a state prison.I couldn't help thinking that that place was what I had feared for so many years.My son who I love with all my heart came to the visiting area with a shaved head and clean white uniform.He told me several things that might be of help to all the parents out there .
These are his words."I have been headed to this place for 25 years.When I was a teenager all I thought about was getting high.It took 25 years for me to realize that I could actually die of this addiction.I always thought that as long as I was able to work and pay for my drugs that I was ok."As this story unfoldsI could right volumes about all the things we have done to try and stop the addiction process.He has been in jail,rehab 3 times,back home four times,When he became unemployed he turned to burgulary and had all the crack cocaine he could possibly consume and still be alive.When the law finally cought up to him and he was laying on the ground with his face in the dirt and his hands cuffed behind his back his only thought was ;thank God I don't have to do this tomorrow"Now nearly a year later his thoughts are still the same.He looks healthy.The pallor is gone from his face replaced by tan from working at the prison hoe squad.Soon he will go to boot camp and if he completes it sucessfully with a year of very strict probation his record will be cleared.
What did we do right this time?I'm not sure.We did not bail him out.He was in county jail for 6 months before he went to a bench trial.I had resolved that he could Not live with us when he gets out of prison.I have changed my mind about that.In our community there are few p aces for prison parolees to live other that familyThis is lengthy and I must stopPrayers for all
These are his words."I have been headed to this place for 25 years.When I was a teenager all I thought about was getting high.It took 25 years for me to realize that I could actually die of this addiction.I always thought that as long as I was able to work and pay for my drugs that I was ok."As this story unfoldsI could right volumes about all the things we have done to try and stop the addiction process.He has been in jail,rehab 3 times,back home four times,When he became unemployed he turned to burgulary and had all the crack cocaine he could possibly consume and still be alive.When the law finally cought up to him and he was laying on the ground with his face in the dirt and his hands cuffed behind his back his only thought was ;thank God I don't have to do this tomorrow"Now nearly a year later his thoughts are still the same.He looks healthy.The pallor is gone from his face replaced by tan from working at the prison hoe squad.Soon he will go to boot camp and if he completes it sucessfully with a year of very strict probation his record will be cleared.
What did we do right this time?I'm not sure.We did not bail him out.He was in county jail for 6 months before he went to a bench trial.I had resolved that he could Not live with us when he gets out of prison.I have changed my mind about that.In our community there are few p aces for prison parolees to live other that familyThis is lengthy and I must stopPrayers for all
I wanted to finish what I had started in my last posting.The one thing that I think has made a difference in my sons behavior is that he is paying the consequinces for his behavior.As are we to some degree but I think not saving him this time has allowed this process to run its course.As hard as it is to see him in prison It is better than seeing him dead.He will come here when he is released.He will work to pay us for his room and board as well as his legal expences.He will be drug tested by us as well as his probation officer.Maybe with the help of a higher power he will make it this time.He has told us that God grabbed him that day and saved his life.The higher power sustains me every day.