This was posted today, on Christmas, by a father who lost his son to a heroin overdose and it is worth reading. Maybe it will help one of you consider a few things in how you make decisions of dealing with your own son or daughter during their struggle.
This will be our second Christmas since our son Jeff died. Our first Christmas without Jeff was a day with one goal just get through it. My wife and I did not exchange presents and we had no family over for Christmas Eve or Christmas day as we traditionally had done. We did not decorate though I did choose to put out a small ceramic manger scene as a reminder of the hopefulness of the season.
In the months following Jeffs death I awoke day after day to the same funk that is so often shared on this site. Being self-employed there was never a decision of when to return to work which probably worked in my favor. For me, work has always been therapeutic.
Like many of us here, during Jeffs struggle I completely misunderstood the nature of the disease of addiction. I recently read that when we think wrong we believe wrong and when we believe wrong we act wrong. It was my wrong thinking, believing, and acting that made Jeffs road to recovery more difficult. Realizing this I have spent that last year and half advocating a more compassionate way of thinking, believing, and acting towards those with this insidious disease.
Theres a lot of anguish on this site and justifiably so. I can only address my approach to surviving guilt and would never suggest that I know how you or any other person should respond to such a loss. I can share a few things that have worked for me in hopes that others may benefit.
In the months following Jeffs death I accepted a number of speaking requests regarding addiction in general. Those first talks focused on the unfairness of the disease to Jeff and the unfairness of the loss to our family. But I reached a point where I decided that I did not want my life to be defined by Jeffs death but instead, inspired by his life.
Its at that point where my speaking engagements became less of a therapy session for me and more of a catalyst for those listening to better respond to those seeking recovery. At that point I began to appeal to those who still had the ability to make a difference in the life of a loved one struggling with addiction to consider more effective ways of offering support than I had given to my son.
When I was a kid I was puzzled when Id hear a pregnant mother say that she was eating for two. Now I understand and can apply that mindset to my life as it is now guided by Jeffs memory. As I think of all the things that Jeff will never experience I realize that now Im living for two. No longer is it good enough to just live in a way thats acceptable to me, I must live in a way that would honor Jeff and that includes approaching holidays in the way that he would find acceptable.
One thing Ive found helpful in times of despair is to put myself in the place of my son. Had I as a parent been the one to die, how would I have wanted my son Jeff to continue living? It would be such a disappointment to me if my death permanently diminished the remainder of his life. Instead, I would want him and all those loved ones left behind to persevere through their grief and eventually find renewed strength to pursue a live well lived. Unfortunately, we did not die first, they did. But is there any reason to think that they would have wanted any less for us than we would have wanted for them?
I love my son and I miss him every day. But this year I put up the Christmas tree, Ive bought a few presents, and this evening the remainder of our family will gather together again and Jeffs presence will be felt by all. Jeff would not have missed this important day and he certainly would not want us to miss it either. I am now living for two.
May you find peace this season.
sorry didnt understand well , does he think families should help more?If yes then help how, with money or help pointing them in right direction where help is waiting or being more involved in addicts life? I think all mothers on this board who are posting done everything what is possibile to help their addicts and only stopped doing that when helping become dangerous and completely unwanted and they stopped in order to save their own sanity
I am not saying this father is wrong far away from that i just saying some cant give anymore , nothing is left to give ... very sad
ps: I dont know how is in America and other places but in UK if we(addicts) want/need help with addiction and issues surrounding addiction its there freely given just need to want it and reach for it. Doctors are free, medication is free, counseling is free , any of drugs organizations will help with place to live and helping you with education simply helping you to get off drugs stay clean and making sure you are ready for productive life.
I am not saying this father is wrong far away from that i just saying some cant give anymore , nothing is left to give ... very sad
ps: I dont know how is in America and other places but in UK if we(addicts) want/need help with addiction and issues surrounding addiction its there freely given just need to want it and reach for it. Doctors are free, medication is free, counseling is free , any of drugs organizations will help with place to live and helping you with education simply helping you to get off drugs stay clean and making sure you are ready for productive life.
I, too, am confused as to what approaches this dad says work/doesn't work. BUT as the mom who lost her daughter to addiction I get the other message...as much as we hurt & grieve ...as much as we feel lost and hollow...WE have to continue to live...and live a happy & productive life....one that honors our child.
Thanks for posting. This soothed my soul...
Lynn
PS B...I love that open & available system you described. In the States, there is no general place to seek help & that will provide shelter etc. J's & my experience has always been through private insurance. . . Which has a deductible & rarely pays 100%. For us that meant we were responsible for the first $5k ... After that insurance would pay 80%.
Thanks for posting. This soothed my soul...
Lynn
PS B...I love that open & available system you described. In the States, there is no general place to seek help & that will provide shelter etc. J's & my experience has always been through private insurance. . . Which has a deductible & rarely pays 100%. For us that meant we were responsible for the first $5k ... After that insurance would pay 80%.