some background:
I am 30 years old and live with my parents. And so does my addict sister. We know she's on pills and needles-- not sure of specific drugs but she's been caught with controlled prescription pills and the needles I assume are for heroine. We found burnt spoons too in her room.
I have been pretty much avoiding my sister's issues. I'm one of many brothers she has. We dont talk to her about her issues. She is 27, has a kid (born with mental disabilities due to drug/alcohol use during pregnancy), jobless, and tends to leave and go as she pleases. I would say she stays at our house probably one or two days a week, if that. Her departure is always with an excuse like, "I am going to apply for a job" or "My friend needs me to baby sit for a few hours". But she never comes back until a few days later. She has no phone on her and its hard to reach her. She would call us when she wants to. She does not care for her kid. When she has no choice but to watch her kid, she would sleep in her room all day while her kid is in the living room crying for attention. i would play with the kid or watch her in my room sometimes.
current dilemma:
In any case, my parents are going away for vacation for two weeks. They intended on telling my sister she cannot stay in the house while they are gone. Last time they went on vacation they had jewelry missing. My sister likes to take advantage when my parents are gone. Only then she would stay in the house every day and then leave before my parents get home. This time NO. But my sister has not called and my parents had no chance to tell her not to come by. Not to stay. My sister knows my parents will be gone because my parents announced it a while back.
When my sister shows up, possibly tonight, I have to tell her she is not allowed in. My parents said that she can change her clothes, but she cant stay. I'm nervous. I'm nervous to be the one to tell her she cannot stay. How can I close the door on my sister? Do I need to call the cops? Can I legally kick her out? My sister does not have the keys to the house. But i dont think my parents officially kicked her out as she is allowed when my parents are home.
Any advice or words of wisdom? I am new here and so I apologize for any rule i broke. I just need help and I dont know of anyone.
Are your parents available by phone to back you up if she shows up? Who has her child right now?
@1executive - I can call my parent's cell phone. My sister's daughter is at the father's house. Normally he and my parents coordinate on watching the kid. Since my parents will be away, the father had to take time off work
Ok, it's good that you don't have to worry about her child's safety from not letting her in. Do you feel that she will be a threat to your safety if told no? Does she ever get violent?
My thoughts.
If your parents have instructed you not to let her in, and have your back, then do what you have to do. Just be prepared to say that you have been told she can't stay there, that Mom and Dad have had enough, and that if she has a problem with that, then she can call them and talk it out but you can't have her there until they give permission.
I've learned recently with my addict and from others on this board that you can't be gentle with our addicts. If you give them and inch, they take a mile and come back for more knowing that you are a safe place to manipulate.
Once you decide you will not be a part of thier crap anymore, life starts getting easier.
My thoughts.
If your parents have instructed you not to let her in, and have your back, then do what you have to do. Just be prepared to say that you have been told she can't stay there, that Mom and Dad have had enough, and that if she has a problem with that, then she can call them and talk it out but you can't have her there until they give permission.
I've learned recently with my addict and from others on this board that you can't be gentle with our addicts. If you give them and inch, they take a mile and come back for more knowing that you are a safe place to manipulate.
Once you decide you will not be a part of thier crap anymore, life starts getting easier.
Your parents should set the rules and enforce them, not get you to do it.
It sounds like your whole family is dysfunctional .....
Your problem right now is that you are worried about doing what your parents should have done but left for you to do.
Your sister is an addict - your parents are enablers and you are codependent. You all need help.
I think, in the end, if you want your life to improve you will have to move out and detach.
That will mean becoming self-sufficient and getting a healthy life.
Good luck.
Bob R
It sounds like your whole family is dysfunctional .....
Your problem right now is that you are worried about doing what your parents should have done but left for you to do.
Your sister is an addict - your parents are enablers and you are codependent. You all need help.
I think, in the end, if you want your life to improve you will have to move out and detach.
That will mean becoming self-sufficient and getting a healthy life.
Good luck.
Bob R
My thoughts exactly PB....Id suggest you try an alanon meeting. Try to get yourself into a different, safe and productive household.
Thank you
Thank you all for your posts. It helped me have more confidence in not letting my sister in the house. My sister finally called me last night asking me if our parents were home. She sounded high-- her words were sluggish, as if I woke up her but it was 10pm. When I reminded her that they were on vacation, she sounded surprised. I told her that our parents were trying to contact her to let her know she is not allowed in the house while they are away. My sister just said 'ok', and proceeded to ask about who is taking care of her daughter. I told my sister her ex-husband (kid's father) took time off to watch the kid while my parents are away. She accepted that and I said good-bye. She gave me the cell phone number of her current boyfriend so I have some way to communicate with her. Let's see if she doesn't try to stop by the house despite our conversation.
My rant
I agree this family is dysfunctional. We all have our issues. I have tried to educate my parents that my sister is a con artist. She knows how to get my mom feeling guilty. She fools my mom so easily. When needles were found in her room, my sister gave the excuse that its from the clinic and that its medicine to fight the addiction. I told my parents they do not issue methadone to take at home. My mom is a bit ignorant on things, but I do believe denial plays a huge role. The other day my sister was acting high in our house in front of my parents, claiming she took a depression pill from a friend.
My sister is always claiming depression to be the reason for why she is high. Her second husband died from overdose (although my sister never verbally told us, we learned from the other family). She uses his death as an excuse to get high. But my sister claims she only uses depression pills and sleeping pills-- which is bull because needles and spoons and empty alcohol bottles under the bed tell a different story.
Anyways, back to the point. My parents are in denial, but almost every day now they are talking about kicked her out of the house. But nothing ever happens. I am moving out myself. I am 30 years old with a full time job. I moved back in last year due to financial problems. I have a better job now and can afford to live on my own again. I admit though the issues with my sister are making me want to leave. I do not feel safe in the house. At night my heart thumps with panic as I listen to my father yell at my sister for various things-- usually related to my sister trying to get a ride at 11pm or losing another job and stuff.
At times I feel bad for my sister. But when I see how she easily manipulates our parents and is able to just sleep all day and sneak out at night, with no regard for her daughter, I grow apathetic to her. I don't care if she dies. In fact, her death will do my parents and our world a favor. She lives off her daughter's medicare and contributes nothing to society.
One last thing-- I know I am a coward. I have not confronted my sister about anything. When her and I are alone in the house, I never have the nerve to say anything. I know I am an enabler by not acknowledging her problem to her. It just feels easier to only talk to my parents about it and then move out and not be part of it.
I know my rant is not really flowing-- I just wrote my current thoughts. I welcome your honest opinions and criticism. This is the internet so don't hold back.
Thank you all for your posts. It helped me have more confidence in not letting my sister in the house. My sister finally called me last night asking me if our parents were home. She sounded high-- her words were sluggish, as if I woke up her but it was 10pm. When I reminded her that they were on vacation, she sounded surprised. I told her that our parents were trying to contact her to let her know she is not allowed in the house while they are away. My sister just said 'ok', and proceeded to ask about who is taking care of her daughter. I told my sister her ex-husband (kid's father) took time off to watch the kid while my parents are away. She accepted that and I said good-bye. She gave me the cell phone number of her current boyfriend so I have some way to communicate with her. Let's see if she doesn't try to stop by the house despite our conversation.
My rant
I agree this family is dysfunctional. We all have our issues. I have tried to educate my parents that my sister is a con artist. She knows how to get my mom feeling guilty. She fools my mom so easily. When needles were found in her room, my sister gave the excuse that its from the clinic and that its medicine to fight the addiction. I told my parents they do not issue methadone to take at home. My mom is a bit ignorant on things, but I do believe denial plays a huge role. The other day my sister was acting high in our house in front of my parents, claiming she took a depression pill from a friend.
My sister is always claiming depression to be the reason for why she is high. Her second husband died from overdose (although my sister never verbally told us, we learned from the other family). She uses his death as an excuse to get high. But my sister claims she only uses depression pills and sleeping pills-- which is bull because needles and spoons and empty alcohol bottles under the bed tell a different story.
Anyways, back to the point. My parents are in denial, but almost every day now they are talking about kicked her out of the house. But nothing ever happens. I am moving out myself. I am 30 years old with a full time job. I moved back in last year due to financial problems. I have a better job now and can afford to live on my own again. I admit though the issues with my sister are making me want to leave. I do not feel safe in the house. At night my heart thumps with panic as I listen to my father yell at my sister for various things-- usually related to my sister trying to get a ride at 11pm or losing another job and stuff.
At times I feel bad for my sister. But when I see how she easily manipulates our parents and is able to just sleep all day and sneak out at night, with no regard for her daughter, I grow apathetic to her. I don't care if she dies. In fact, her death will do my parents and our world a favor. She lives off her daughter's medicare and contributes nothing to society.
One last thing-- I know I am a coward. I have not confronted my sister about anything. When her and I are alone in the house, I never have the nerve to say anything. I know I am an enabler by not acknowledging her problem to her. It just feels easier to only talk to my parents about it and then move out and not be part of it.
I know my rant is not really flowing-- I just wrote my current thoughts. I welcome your honest opinions and criticism. This is the internet so don't hold back.
You are NOT a coward. Not your monkeys...not your circus. I think a lot of us came from dysfunction and that is why we see it in yours....please don't take offense. Its a vicious cycle we as addicts get in and some how drag our families right along with us. You have a chance at normalcy and it sounds like you have done what you can and know what to do next. Maybe showing your parents this board...your message...our responses could help plant the seed of recovery for them? Good luck to you!
