To those who dont understand why a Cocaine Addict posts on a Pain pill board, let me explain...if i waited around for an answer from another coke addict it could be days...the pain pill forum is the most active place to find reassurance and answers...these answers apply to A-D-D-I-C-T-I-O-N PERIOD. that would be you Natasha that i am posting that too. Your opinion of me has the effect of a fart in a windstorm. So having said that, i went and had a big bang with my cocaine this weekend and i feel like crap.
God, I wish I could get rid of this craving! My arms are bruised and swollen, i'm sore, but i wish i had money for more. What insanity! Why do i continue on this cycle of killing myself, I just want to cry. I hate myself for allowing this to happen, but yay, it was off to the races...not 1g, not 2 but 3 1/2 since friday night...all iv...i have got to get to my shrink for help. Why do i continue on, when i know i am hurting myself and my family. i am so hurt and ashamed and my husband said something about thinking i was lying about using...well duh!....somewhere somehow, i have to find the strength to fight this beast...back to square one....but my thinkin saying when can i afford more....i could bang my head against a wall.
I sooooo know what you feel like right now!! I'm in your boat!
i had almost a month clean...it hurts now that i lost it. i hate the drug that controls me i hate the needles, i want to end that part of my life so bad, i am calling my shrink tomorrow for help, i can also get some counseling...i can't do this on my own....but you know, if i had a needle and a bag...i'd be looking for a place to hit....i am so sick from this addiction...i hate it...
I know exactly how you feel bumpnbad..I have relapsed several times in the past month or so, and I was really beating myself up about it, because no one knows about it. I know it is hard, but you just have to keep your head up, and try try again. Someone who helped me out big time yesterday told me that this is part of recovery, it is something you have to accept and move on. The only thing you can do to make things better again is just start over with a positive attitude. I hope this helps some. I am here for you...
thanks stardust....i am so tired of lying to my husband and myself, tired of stealing and selling my medications to buy coke...i just want to scream...guess i'm into some withdrawal now, cause the tears are flowing....why can't i just stop?
I don't know about needles, but if it's as bad as any other addiction, I feel for you. I'm trying to get off the pills and cocaine. I feel miserable. I hope this goes away fast.
traci, don't ever, ever, ever do coke with a needle, you will never be able to stop doing it that way...i used to snort coke every now and then when i was out drinking, then one drunken night i let someone hit me and that's the only way i can do it now...
Janet
You didn't lose a month....You lost a weekend. Now get back to where you know you should be. Remember how bad you feel right now and think about that the next time. We all slip Janet. Its about getting back on track. If you need to chat let me know......fstristar@yahoo.com
Frank
You didn't lose a month....You lost a weekend. Now get back to where you know you should be. Remember how bad you feel right now and think about that the next time. We all slip Janet. Its about getting back on track. If you need to chat let me know......fstristar@yahoo.com
Frank
Don't worry~~~ too afraid of needles.. I just want to get through this addiction without having to tell family/friends about it. This is a 16 year addiction!
Traci
Traci
Janet, god I feel so sorry for you and know I'm thinking about you. They say 80-85% of abusers fail (I hate that word) at least once and usually more. I know everyone gives great advice on this forum but it's not the same as having someone there for you in person. My addiction is from just not wanting to face the past and it also runs in the ole' family. I don't know who I am, what I want, I just feel I'm mom, wife, daughter, but not Donna. It easier to just get high and forget but I know you're smart enough to know where that's going to get you. Try to find out why you do it, if there's a reason or problem. Maybe hanging out with different people, if you can. I'm sorry it happened, but tomorrow starts a new week and try to think of it as a new beginning. I know you can do this.
Stay strong.
Love, Donna
Stay strong.
Love, Donna
thanks frank, i'm just so depressed (coming down). My disease shows, i have three bruises accompanied by red marks on my left arm and 4 bruises on my right...i have to wear long sleeves again, and i was so proud that i was wearing short sleeves. i realize that if i don't get to a doctor soon, i am going to die. if you sat me down in front of a pile of my doc, i would do it until i either died or passed out....i realize that...and my sick mind is telling me..hmmm when can you afford an 8ball...where can i get money to get more....i've pawned my wedding ring about 4 times now...how sick is that?
Please call someone tomorrow..you cant do it alone..I used to do coke every Friday night..for 10 years! I thought that since I did it only on Fridays, then I wasnt addcited but I was.Lack of money was the only thing stopping me from doing it more. Not sure why, bt when my boyfriend and I broke up and then I had no access to it anymore, I stopped it totally and havent done it since.BUT I replaced it with a major pill habit..Hence the next 10 years. I am only clean day 7 and still feel exhausted and achy and MOODY. I am craving a pill so bad in the past 24 hours...if Ihad access, I would probably have used. I think cutting off supply is key..especially for those weak moments.
Can you get rid of your supply access??Then call the therapist and discuss detox treatments and of course we are here for you.Someone wrote
WE are as sick as our secrets. So true. Reach out for help. I hate this addiction thing to yet dont understand WHY we cant get out of the grip even after we are physically better. I guess thats why they say to KEEP going to meetings. I have yet to go to one..but i need to.
Can you get rid of your supply access??Then call the therapist and discuss detox treatments and of course we are here for you.Someone wrote
WE are as sick as our secrets. So true. Reach out for help. I hate this addiction thing to yet dont understand WHY we cant get out of the grip even after we are physically better. I guess thats why they say to KEEP going to meetings. I have yet to go to one..but i need to.
Bumpnbad- why can't you stop-because it's engrained in you brain. The patterns are there, you just have to learn how to modify them. I can't really act like I know hoe to do that, because I haven't yet, but there are plenty of people on this board that can guide you. I am really learning that you can find comfort and support here, without judgement which is really great. You will get past this, as hard as it is to really get that.
oh, i definately have plans to call someone....as for my contacts...ha, i had gotten rid of them and all it took was a phonebook and i was back in business...
i can get free counseling through my husbands job...as a matter of fact i brought my son there and shot up in the counselors bathroom, how's that for irony? my shrink is difficult to get into, but i am going to stress the emergency of the situation. i realize now that i cant do it alone, i need some medication for the cravings, plus i need to give control of any money i get to my husband, bc the minute it gets it my hands i get out of control.
the only friends i ever made were drugfriends...i just can't get close to anyone
i can get free counseling through my husbands job...as a matter of fact i brought my son there and shot up in the counselors bathroom, how's that for irony? my shrink is difficult to get into, but i am going to stress the emergency of the situation. i realize now that i cant do it alone, i need some medication for the cravings, plus i need to give control of any money i get to my husband, bc the minute it gets it my hands i get out of control.
the only friends i ever made were drugfriends...i just can't get close to anyone
Janet
I've been there done that. The problem is $ + availability = you know what. Shut off your supplies. Now while you feel bad. For many years it was the same thing
for me. Every Friday night it was an 8-ball and I was going until Sat.night/Sun. AM. so I know what you're going through. I stopped when my supplier moved. That was many years ago. Unfortunately my addictive nature took me elsewhere.
Frank
I've been there done that. The problem is $ + availability = you know what. Shut off your supplies. Now while you feel bad. For many years it was the same thing
for me. Every Friday night it was an 8-ball and I was going until Sat.night/Sun. AM. so I know what you're going through. I stopped when my supplier moved. That was many years ago. Unfortunately my addictive nature took me elsewhere.
Frank
Janet-you have friends here! It is a really nice feeling to know you can come here to get support. I think it is a good idea to get in to see someone ASAP to decide what the course of action should be. Eliminating the access to money, and ways you get your DOC is a great idea for now. As hard as it is, is there anyway possible you could be honest with your husband? I know how hard it is, my fiance said he would leave me again if he found out had relapsed, but I am going to be honest with him when he gets home from his vacation.
i know that i have friends here, this is my refuge. i know i have to tell my husband, i just hate to hurt him, anymore than i have. i have been a horrible wife to him and all he wants from me is love.
Sounds just like me, but you are not doing it on purpose. I hate to see the hurt I have inflicted on my fiance more than anything, all he has done is love me and support me, but he has to support me no matter what-that's unconditional love which a relationship should have, so if I am honest and you are honest, they should still be there for us!
i pray that is true, i love my husband and i know if something happened, i would lose my kids...i'm trying to see if there's been a trigger, other than getting money, but my mother in law was sick and i had a spat with someone on here...no excuses, i'm an addict!
Same here I can make excuses all day for why I relapsed, but there really is no other explanation other than I am an addict. I hope my fiance understands and stays with me, but at this point I am worried for my own life, so I can't be worrying about losing him all the time. I understand itmust be really hard worrying about what would happen with your kids though. Has your husband ever known about your addiction? Sorry if you explained this before..
