Hello everyone!
I will apologize right now about the length of my entry and any useless information I may have thrown in here. I am just going to be as thorough as possible when explaining my experience.
MY GOAL HERE IS TO HELP SOMEONE OUT THERE WITH MY OWN EXPERIENCE.
I am a single, 1/2 white/ 1/2 asian, female, 33 with at least 15 years of past illicit drug use.
I am currently dealing with slowly detoxing myself from METHADONE. And I want to document it here.
I have been on METHADONE for approx 4 years (i will try to find exact date, hard to remember that time for obvious reasons.) Methadone has helped me get to a good place in life and I feel like the next best step is to free myself from this "ball and chain". Currently going to an outpatient clinic Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I get Take outs for Saturday, Sunday, and Wednesday.
Reasons I want TO STOP taking methadone other than stated above:
1) noticed a decline in healthiness in my teeth ( I am VERY particular about my oral hygiene, paid for my own braces 6 years ago, full amount, out of pocket...so I want to maintain my investment if you know what I mean)
2) would like to finally get rid of this extra weight methadone has made me gain. I am very health conscience (and yeah I totally get the irony of a health person being a drug addict. lol) I will explain more later but when I decreased in 2014 I lost 15 pounds in like 2 months while doing nothing but taking less MG wise of Methadone Rx!!!!
3) I am scared s***less of all the horror stories I keep running across on the web and from other people about what happens when you stay on Methadone for long time.
Ok, here is some more background info. ask any questions if you would like me to elaborate.
I've been taking 130mgs since (approx) 2011 thru 2013. My last methadone clinic did not take insurance so I paid out of pocket $12/day and let me tell you that gets expensive real fast when your unemployed.
Anyways in 2013 I couldn't pay anymore so the did 20 detox on me.... I went from 130mg to 15 in 17 days.... and I will tell you right now that was PURE HELL!
If you have weak stomach don't read this next sentence BUT: at one point my withdrawals had gotten so bad that I was literally going #2 in my pants on accident ALL the time. So incredibly embarrassing! I had NO idea that my body could rebel THAT fast on me! I couldn't believe it. I did like the websites told me and took mass amounts of Immodium but it was so bad it just couldn't be helped.
And the INSOMNIA! OMG! The insomnia alone will break most people. Imagine being desperately tired and weak but not being able to make your brain "turn off" and go to sleep. Took every sleep medication I had in the house. OTC stuff and prescribed stuff too (lifelong insomnia before this little adventure)
I had no appetite, I know I was SEVERELY dehydrated due to the diarrhea and just plain not eating or drinking anything. Its strange but food just feels wrong in your mouth, your taste buds reject anything they touch, your stomach gets mad at you whenever you consume anything and punishes you by giving you another bout of diarrhea.
I eventually broke down and called around for other outpatient methadone clinics that would take my state Medicaid.
Got lucky and found one!!! YAY!!!
Since I was on only 15mg when I was leaving the last clinic this new clinic started me off right away on 25mg...felt SOOOO much better in a few hours after dosing...
I then told myself not to go too high milligram-wise (because the higher you go the longer it takes to taper off....) and to do this detox thing much, much slower, Hence this entry today.
So now my situation is this.... I am currently on 30mg of methadone and have been actively decreasing my dose using doctors recommendation of 1 - 3 mgs decrease every 7 days.
On 1-27-15 went from 35mg to 33mg; 2-6-15 decreased from 33mg to 31; 2-13-15 decreased 31 to 30 (didn't want to feel like crap on Valentines day so I just did one mg that time)
So on tomorrow (2-20-15) I am going to request that I get decreased 3 mgs.
When I get to 20mgs the clinic/ordering doctor/nurses will block me until my chart gets reviewed again by the ordering physician and she approves the continued decrease at the rate that I am going or she may slow it down depending on my withdrawal symptoms.
And those have been so far:
---INSOMNIA (yes, again but not nearly as bad as the rapid detox!)
---Slight tummy issues. Tummy just seems to be really sensitive about what I eat.
---Weird muscle twitches every now and then.... such a weird sensation sometimes! Its happening to muscles I never even knew I had! ha ha ha
---Energy levels seem to be all over the charts. Trying to go running at least 3 times a week.... you know natural endorphins and all that.
---Hands have been a little shaky.
---Have been a little spacey; and my live in boyfriend claims i've been a little grumpy. It's hard because when i'm having an "off" moment where I don't feel like myself....its just hard sometimes to deal with life and feel this way.
So overall feeling pretty good so far... these withdrawal symptoms are like 10% of what I was going thru when I went thru 20 day detox... so in comparison its not bad at all.
If anyone else is doing Medically supervised slow methadone detox then please hit me up! It has been a b**** finding any real stories that explained in detail the circumstances and the END RESULT. I find posts of people saying that they are in hell and detoxing all the time on internet but there is no follow up posts saying how they are doing after all the bad and if they are back to (for lack of a better word) "normal".
Thanks for reading my incredibly loooooooong entry and let me know if i can help with anything else. I will update/post as much as I can so you guys can follow my progress.
Wish me luck!
March 5, 2015
At 28mg now (since 2-20-15) and feeling pretty good. My craving for sugar has gone way down.
But I am noticing some negative things as well....
mostly my knees when I go running. They just seem to be sore most of the time. And after running they have a dull throbbing pain which is manageable with my prescribed medication of 600mg ibuprofen.
And the INSOMNIA... man oh man. like I said before I have ALWAYS had a problem with insomnia but this kind is a weird "coming down" kind of insomnia.... you know when you are coming down off of ectascy, cocaine/rock, or meth(crystal). The kind of you could lay there for hours with your eyes closed and NEVER be able to fall asleep insomnia.
I remember this from my rapid detox in 2013 and that was HELL. I tell people all the time how lucky they are to be able to SLEEEEEP! .....grrrrr lucky bastards!
As you can see I get a little "out of it" when I get sleep deprived (I totally get why they use it as a form of torture now....)
Going to decrease my mgs again tomorrow.
I may have some insurance problems coming up that'll affect my rate of detox. Don't want to get into it now cause its kind of a long story but I'll keep you guys posted. My promise is this: I will keep posting my experiences of detoxing from methadone AND follow up and let you all know what its like POST detox.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I hope this helps SOMEONE out there in internet land.
At 28mg now (since 2-20-15) and feeling pretty good. My craving for sugar has gone way down.
But I am noticing some negative things as well....
mostly my knees when I go running. They just seem to be sore most of the time. And after running they have a dull throbbing pain which is manageable with my prescribed medication of 600mg ibuprofen.
And the INSOMNIA... man oh man. like I said before I have ALWAYS had a problem with insomnia but this kind is a weird "coming down" kind of insomnia.... you know when you are coming down off of ectascy, cocaine/rock, or meth(crystal). The kind of you could lay there for hours with your eyes closed and NEVER be able to fall asleep insomnia.
I remember this from my rapid detox in 2013 and that was HELL. I tell people all the time how lucky they are to be able to SLEEEEEP! .....grrrrr lucky bastards!
As you can see I get a little "out of it" when I get sleep deprived (I totally get why they use it as a form of torture now....)
Going to decrease my mgs again tomorrow.
I may have some insurance problems coming up that'll affect my rate of detox. Don't want to get into it now cause its kind of a long story but I'll keep you guys posted. My promise is this: I will keep posting my experiences of detoxing from methadone AND follow up and let you all know what its like POST detox.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I hope this helps SOMEONE out there in internet land.
March 6, 2015
Looks as though I will have to do a rapid detox from methadone after all.
Let me explain:
I am ordered to enter into court supervised diversion (in Oregon you can avoid conviction if you complete diversion at a court approved outpatient treatment facility) and have it completed before my next court date in August.
Well it turns out my insurance (Oregon's medicaid-CareOregon) won't cover/be billed for TWO treatment centers...yes, even though they are technically treating me for two different things. Methadone clinic= opiate abuse/addiction and the diversion treatment center=alcohol (even though I KNOW I don't have a problem with alcohol. I don't even like drinking. Legal limit in Oregon is %0.08 and I blew %0.09....go figure.)
So now I am thinking along the lines of: "if I don't finish my court ordered diversion then I will most definitely go to JAIL and if I stop taking methadone in approx 21 days then...oh, well I've been wanting to quit anyways!"
So its not a bad thing. It will just accelerate the withdrawl symptoms and may make it a little more sh*ttier than I had originally planned. I will make an effort to document everyday going down but I know I'll have days were it'll be hard to even get out of bed.
My main concern is this: I exercise(running mostly, 5 - 6 times a week) to stave off depression but then I keep hearing that my energy levels are going to be almost non existent on some days which will make it virtually impossible for me to exercise, which will make it so my depression comes back. So you can see the endless unhappy cycle I have to look forward to. But hopefully if I keep in front of it I'll be able to stay positive.
Seriously debating on whether or not I should get a prescription from my primary doctor for antidepressants. And as much as I HATE taking those pills (they make me all cloudy/spacey...not in a good way; upset my stomach; make me gain weight; terrible yawning spells; gives me the shakes especially when yawning spells happen;awful dry mouth/metallic taste; nausea; and last but not least TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE,TERRIBLE on your libido.
But its better than wanting to go back to slitting my wrists/cutting or wanting to jump off a bridge or in front of a bus daily.
If any of you have any suggestions on any new antidepressants I should ask for let me know. I think I'll ask for lexapro, i've been on it before and from what I can remember that one actually helped the most. Ones i've tried: Prozac; Zoloft; Wellbutrin; Risperdal; Paxil; Cymbalta (that one was THE WORST!!!!)
TT you L
Looks as though I will have to do a rapid detox from methadone after all.
Let me explain:
I am ordered to enter into court supervised diversion (in Oregon you can avoid conviction if you complete diversion at a court approved outpatient treatment facility) and have it completed before my next court date in August.
Well it turns out my insurance (Oregon's medicaid-CareOregon) won't cover/be billed for TWO treatment centers...yes, even though they are technically treating me for two different things. Methadone clinic= opiate abuse/addiction and the diversion treatment center=alcohol (even though I KNOW I don't have a problem with alcohol. I don't even like drinking. Legal limit in Oregon is %0.08 and I blew %0.09....go figure.)
So now I am thinking along the lines of: "if I don't finish my court ordered diversion then I will most definitely go to JAIL and if I stop taking methadone in approx 21 days then...oh, well I've been wanting to quit anyways!"
So its not a bad thing. It will just accelerate the withdrawl symptoms and may make it a little more sh*ttier than I had originally planned. I will make an effort to document everyday going down but I know I'll have days were it'll be hard to even get out of bed.
My main concern is this: I exercise(running mostly, 5 - 6 times a week) to stave off depression but then I keep hearing that my energy levels are going to be almost non existent on some days which will make it virtually impossible for me to exercise, which will make it so my depression comes back. So you can see the endless unhappy cycle I have to look forward to. But hopefully if I keep in front of it I'll be able to stay positive.
Seriously debating on whether or not I should get a prescription from my primary doctor for antidepressants. And as much as I HATE taking those pills (they make me all cloudy/spacey...not in a good way; upset my stomach; make me gain weight; terrible yawning spells; gives me the shakes especially when yawning spells happen;awful dry mouth/metallic taste; nausea; and last but not least TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE,TERRIBLE on your libido.
But its better than wanting to go back to slitting my wrists/cutting or wanting to jump off a bridge or in front of a bus daily.
If any of you have any suggestions on any new antidepressants I should ask for let me know. I think I'll ask for lexapro, i've been on it before and from what I can remember that one actually helped the most. Ones i've tried: Prozac; Zoloft; Wellbutrin; Risperdal; Paxil; Cymbalta (that one was THE WORST!!!!)
TT you L
Past cutter,
Wow you do have some decisions to make don't you? I have been reading your story and it sounds like you are doing things to the best of your ability. All you can do is make decisions based on what you and your DR think are best. If one doesn't work, try another. I am sure your story is helping those in a somewhat same situation. It will take time and with time things will get better!
Good luck and hang tough. We are rooting for you!
granny
Wow you do have some decisions to make don't you? I have been reading your story and it sounds like you are doing things to the best of your ability. All you can do is make decisions based on what you and your DR think are best. If one doesn't work, try another. I am sure your story is helping those in a somewhat same situation. It will take time and with time things will get better!
Good luck and hang tough. We are rooting for you!
granny
PastCutter33-
Thank you for posting your journal. My son is on maintenance methadone, but I believe it is too high because he is nodding badlyso bad they are drug testing him in his recovery classesit is disturbing as hell to watch him do it. The counselor has advised him he needs to take it down a notch. The methadone clinics are secretive to meI have access to all his medical records with his permission and assumed the methadone clinic would report back to the drug treatment center, but that was naive on my part and so it's a place of darkness that makes it scary. So Monday he will ask for a plan to notch it down. I just want him to be in a functional placewith the nodding, he is not functional and he doesn't know it. And I want access to the records.I think of it like my parentswhen they were elderly and had difficulty caring for themselves, they needed advocates on their side to dig for info and get things on track with the confusing health systems. I feel the same for my sontrying not to be codependentjust trying to make sure he gets the care he needs and agrees to and have a legit place to get questions answered about his specifics.
Anyway. Best to you on your journey and I am so impressed with your drive to save yourself and your selflessness in sharing with us all. It will help. You are doing good for yourself and others.
Thank you!
Thank you for posting your journal. My son is on maintenance methadone, but I believe it is too high because he is nodding badlyso bad they are drug testing him in his recovery classesit is disturbing as hell to watch him do it. The counselor has advised him he needs to take it down a notch. The methadone clinics are secretive to meI have access to all his medical records with his permission and assumed the methadone clinic would report back to the drug treatment center, but that was naive on my part and so it's a place of darkness that makes it scary. So Monday he will ask for a plan to notch it down. I just want him to be in a functional placewith the nodding, he is not functional and he doesn't know it. And I want access to the records.I think of it like my parentswhen they were elderly and had difficulty caring for themselves, they needed advocates on their side to dig for info and get things on track with the confusing health systems. I feel the same for my sontrying not to be codependentjust trying to make sure he gets the care he needs and agrees to and have a legit place to get questions answered about his specifics.
Anyway. Best to you on your journey and I am so impressed with your drive to save yourself and your selflessness in sharing with us all. It will help. You are doing good for yourself and others.
Thank you!
My sex life sucks I cant seem to be able to finish has this happened to you I am so frustrated...
Also I wake up in the morning and I feel decrepit i feel stiff and all locked up and it is a miserable feeling......
Also I wake up in the morning and I feel decrepit i feel stiff and all locked up and it is a miserable feeling......
dear guest,
If you are on methadone sexual side effects can bother some people. Your dose may be too high. Talk to your counselor and the clinic doctor as well as your own doctor to see if they can help you.
granny
If you are on methadone sexual side effects can bother some people. Your dose may be too high. Talk to your counselor and the clinic doctor as well as your own doctor to see if they can help you.
granny
Thank you Granny 2 3 & Barkley for your encouragement! It means a lot!
....and Barkley I will say this about your situation: your son is VERY lucky that you are advocating for him like you are, I personally don't allow my parents in my life (I really wish I could though,their very bad people)so you tell him I said he's lucky to have you!
The methadone clinics are an excellent tool for those that need it. And I did need it when I entered into the program. But I found out the hard way that they (counselors, nurse practitioners, the doctors, nurses, and staff, etc) don't either know the whole truth about methadone BECOMING JUST ANOTHER CRUTCH or they are told NOT to explain the truth. When I first started I asked several other patients in the waiting room what their advice was. They told me NOT to go up to high my dose, and because I was young when I entered into the program (27) to NOT stay on it more than I needed to. But let me tell you the methadone treatment staff does the exact opposite they would encourage me to admit that I still had "cravings" for drugs in order to get the doctor to sign off on upping me 5mg - 10mg to even 15mg at a time!!! I had to adamantly tell them "NO" and I admit its very tempting to keep going up cause when you do for the first 4 - 5 days after you get a HIGH from your dose (or at least I did and my friends that take it too do too, don't get me pissed of replies about this anyone!) Its a majorly flawed system and basically asking a drug addict if they want more of a drug is ludicrous!
Methadone clinics are a FOR PROFIT medical facility that makes tons of dollars off of sick people. And what happens when the sick people get better? They don't need treatment anymore. So they lose money. The whole business model for those places are to keep you coming back and to stay addicted to just ANOTHER type of drug.
YES its meant to help and YES it does help people BUT I've met SOOOO Many people who tell me they wish that they hadn't been on high a dose or wish they hadn't wasted so many years of their lives using methadone as a crutch. (<<<<these are people who have been on it 20, 30, 40 even 50 years!)
His dose is either too high or (sorry to say) he could be mixing prescriptions, which is SUPER dangerous on methadone!!!!
Good luck getting the methadone clinic to work with you. I honestly will be surprised if they do. But keep trying and remember to attack the stem/ real reason your son started using in the first place. I know now mine was my PTSD, depression AND last but not least just another way to self harm/cut myself...hence my name "pastcutter".
Good luck!
....and Barkley I will say this about your situation: your son is VERY lucky that you are advocating for him like you are, I personally don't allow my parents in my life (I really wish I could though,their very bad people)so you tell him I said he's lucky to have you!
The methadone clinics are an excellent tool for those that need it. And I did need it when I entered into the program. But I found out the hard way that they (counselors, nurse practitioners, the doctors, nurses, and staff, etc) don't either know the whole truth about methadone BECOMING JUST ANOTHER CRUTCH or they are told NOT to explain the truth. When I first started I asked several other patients in the waiting room what their advice was. They told me NOT to go up to high my dose, and because I was young when I entered into the program (27) to NOT stay on it more than I needed to. But let me tell you the methadone treatment staff does the exact opposite they would encourage me to admit that I still had "cravings" for drugs in order to get the doctor to sign off on upping me 5mg - 10mg to even 15mg at a time!!! I had to adamantly tell them "NO" and I admit its very tempting to keep going up cause when you do for the first 4 - 5 days after you get a HIGH from your dose (or at least I did and my friends that take it too do too, don't get me pissed of replies about this anyone!) Its a majorly flawed system and basically asking a drug addict if they want more of a drug is ludicrous!
Methadone clinics are a FOR PROFIT medical facility that makes tons of dollars off of sick people. And what happens when the sick people get better? They don't need treatment anymore. So they lose money. The whole business model for those places are to keep you coming back and to stay addicted to just ANOTHER type of drug.
YES its meant to help and YES it does help people BUT I've met SOOOO Many people who tell me they wish that they hadn't been on high a dose or wish they hadn't wasted so many years of their lives using methadone as a crutch. (<<<<these are people who have been on it 20, 30, 40 even 50 years!)
His dose is either too high or (sorry to say) he could be mixing prescriptions, which is SUPER dangerous on methadone!!!!
Good luck getting the methadone clinic to work with you. I honestly will be surprised if they do. But keep trying and remember to attack the stem/ real reason your son started using in the first place. I know now mine was my PTSD, depression AND last but not least just another way to self harm/cut myself...hence my name "pastcutter".
Good luck!
Okay another entry regarding my detox. ( apologies for any mistakes or rambling....lack of sleep. See Explanation below.)
3-11-15
Nurse Practitioner had approved my 21 day detox! YAY!
When at dosing window the nurse explains to me that my current dose of 28mg's is being decreased 8mg's to 20mg's today.
NP wanted me to be taken down to 20mgs so that I could taper down 1mg/day after today.
Received 20mg.
Obviously too soon to feel any withdrawal side effects yet but I am excited to be on the way to being off of methadone! My last dosing day will be 3-31-15!
YAY again!!!!
3-12-15
Today I will receive 19mg's.
No withdrawal side effects yet.
Still excited.
3-13-15
Friday the 13th ahhhhh!
Anyways, today I receive 18mg's.
Ok, NOW I'm noticing some changes.... little less energy, erratic sleeping pattern, little bit of the "shockies" and these ONLY happen as I'm waking up and/or when i'm tossing a turning bed
(the zapping sensations you sometimes feel while withdrawing off crap, had these REALLY bad when I stopped my 90mg Paxil cold turkey...NOT A GOOD IDEA! so compared to the paxil zaps this is NOTHING!!!)
Still feeling positive tho. Making myself take dog for a walk and do my daily cleaning around the house. oh and I think I forgot to mention that I am NOT working right now. My boyfriend and I agreed to get thru this and diversion to get my drivers license back and then look for work. I know I'm so lucky. He's such a good guy!
3-14-15
Dose is now 17mg.
Same side effects as on 3-13. (Shockies or Zaps when sleepy are getting pretty annoying tho. But really it's the only thing that's really bothering me at this point. Everything else is very tolerable)
3-15-15
Dose is now 16mg.
Same as last two days, but also having orthostatic hypotension (B/P lowers A LOT when you stand up too fast causing really bad lightheadedness). Trying to push myself to keep hydrated.
I had my b/f take me to the store to get some vitamins and supplements. Got some Vitamin c, flaxseed oil gelcaps, melatonin, and a multivitamin=expensive!!!$$$$$
3-14-15
Dose is now 15mg.
Slept sh*tty last night. Energy coming and going.
BUT i have to admit I thought I'd be feeling a lot worse by now.
Totally thought I'd be having "tummy" troubles by now. I know they're coming tho. DUN DUN DUN!!!
Not looking forward to that that's for sure!
Trying to stay positive still.
I'm lucky, a lot of my friends at the methadone clinic are tapering also and we are doing our best to support each other which is nice.
So now i'm all caught up with today. I'll keep you updated as I go along.
I really appreciate all the positive feedback ! It DOES help.
I really think 90% is mental right now. I might be eating my (written) words later but for now I'm still glad I made this decision. I KNOW it's the right timing.
Peace out! <<<<sorry, blame this on lack of sleep! LOL!
3-11-15
Nurse Practitioner had approved my 21 day detox! YAY!
When at dosing window the nurse explains to me that my current dose of 28mg's is being decreased 8mg's to 20mg's today.
NP wanted me to be taken down to 20mgs so that I could taper down 1mg/day after today.
Received 20mg.
Obviously too soon to feel any withdrawal side effects yet but I am excited to be on the way to being off of methadone! My last dosing day will be 3-31-15!
YAY again!!!!
3-12-15
Today I will receive 19mg's.
No withdrawal side effects yet.
Still excited.
3-13-15
Friday the 13th ahhhhh!
Anyways, today I receive 18mg's.
Ok, NOW I'm noticing some changes.... little less energy, erratic sleeping pattern, little bit of the "shockies" and these ONLY happen as I'm waking up and/or when i'm tossing a turning bed
(the zapping sensations you sometimes feel while withdrawing off crap, had these REALLY bad when I stopped my 90mg Paxil cold turkey...NOT A GOOD IDEA! so compared to the paxil zaps this is NOTHING!!!)
Still feeling positive tho. Making myself take dog for a walk and do my daily cleaning around the house. oh and I think I forgot to mention that I am NOT working right now. My boyfriend and I agreed to get thru this and diversion to get my drivers license back and then look for work. I know I'm so lucky. He's such a good guy!
3-14-15
Dose is now 17mg.
Same side effects as on 3-13. (Shockies or Zaps when sleepy are getting pretty annoying tho. But really it's the only thing that's really bothering me at this point. Everything else is very tolerable)
3-15-15
Dose is now 16mg.
Same as last two days, but also having orthostatic hypotension (B/P lowers A LOT when you stand up too fast causing really bad lightheadedness). Trying to push myself to keep hydrated.
I had my b/f take me to the store to get some vitamins and supplements. Got some Vitamin c, flaxseed oil gelcaps, melatonin, and a multivitamin=expensive!!!$$$$$
3-14-15
Dose is now 15mg.
Slept sh*tty last night. Energy coming and going.
BUT i have to admit I thought I'd be feeling a lot worse by now.
Totally thought I'd be having "tummy" troubles by now. I know they're coming tho. DUN DUN DUN!!!
Not looking forward to that that's for sure!
Trying to stay positive still.
I'm lucky, a lot of my friends at the methadone clinic are tapering also and we are doing our best to support each other which is nice.
So now i'm all caught up with today. I'll keep you updated as I go along.
I really appreciate all the positive feedback ! It DOES help.
I really think 90% is mental right now. I might be eating my (written) words later but for now I'm still glad I made this decision. I KNOW it's the right timing.
Peace out! <<<<sorry, blame this on lack of sleep! LOL!
Wanted to update you guys on how I feel right now.... It's 7:00pm and I got a little nap so I feel MUCH better!
Eating lots of protein seems to be helping. Made myself take the dog for a walk and even though it was 70 degrees outside I got the cold sweats...
I really think my body was just adjusting to the dramatic decrease these last five days (I've been dropped 12mg since last Wednesday.) but now it's just a mg a day somy body is saying to me:
"what's the deal with dropping 8mg in one day a$@hole!?!? But since your only doing one my a day I guess I won't screw with you too much....at least for now....." I know very ominous....only time will tell.
Forgot to mention earlier about the strange muscle twitches all over my body. It actually feels kinda cool so I'm not complaining but the thought HAS a crossed my mind that my heart is a muscle...could it make it (going off of methadone) twitch!?!? I'm probably just being paranoid.
Talk to you all later!
Eating lots of protein seems to be helping. Made myself take the dog for a walk and even though it was 70 degrees outside I got the cold sweats...
I really think my body was just adjusting to the dramatic decrease these last five days (I've been dropped 12mg since last Wednesday.) but now it's just a mg a day somy body is saying to me:
"what's the deal with dropping 8mg in one day a$@hole!?!? But since your only doing one my a day I guess I won't screw with you too much....at least for now....." I know very ominous....only time will tell.
Forgot to mention earlier about the strange muscle twitches all over my body. It actually feels kinda cool so I'm not complaining but the thought HAS a crossed my mind that my heart is a muscle...could it make it (going off of methadone) twitch!?!? I'm probably just being paranoid.
Talk to you all later!
Past cutter,
Only you know what you want, so I hope your decision to detox so fast is the right one. Why didn't you take a little bit longer to detox? Your chances of it being successful without too much physical problems may have been better.
There's a gal at my clinic who is also detoxing. She has been doing it slowly for the past 2-3 months and as of last Wednesday (I see her every Wed) she was down to 7 mg and doing very well, no side effects that have been bothersome. She has been doing one mg a week which gives her body time to adjust between drops. I'll see her in the morning and see where she is.
Good luck to you. Your plan, forcing yourself to get up and out, dog walking, food, vitamins/supplements, is a great plan as well!!! In my experience with people who have completed a detox it takes quite a while to get back to 100% normal, but I think each case, age, length of addiction and time on methadone is what determines that.
Keep it up!!!!!!
granny
granny
Only you know what you want, so I hope your decision to detox so fast is the right one. Why didn't you take a little bit longer to detox? Your chances of it being successful without too much physical problems may have been better.
There's a gal at my clinic who is also detoxing. She has been doing it slowly for the past 2-3 months and as of last Wednesday (I see her every Wed) she was down to 7 mg and doing very well, no side effects that have been bothersome. She has been doing one mg a week which gives her body time to adjust between drops. I'll see her in the morning and see where she is.
Good luck to you. Your plan, forcing yourself to get up and out, dog walking, food, vitamins/supplements, is a great plan as well!!! In my experience with people who have completed a detox it takes quite a while to get back to 100% normal, but I think each case, age, length of addiction and time on methadone is what determines that.
Keep it up!!!!!!
granny
granny
Granny,
My entry on March 6, 2015 explains why I decided to decrease faster than most people would recommend.
And for anyone too lazy to go back and read the reason why it's this: I have COURT ordered DUI diversion for a DUI that happened 3 years ago. (Something happened with my paperwork with they courts and I got "lost in the shuffle" for a couple years...I got lucky cause if it wasn't for their mistake the judge would have taken the long lapse in time as plane old NON-COMPLIANCE and my a** would be in jail right now.) I MUST complete this or risk spending anywhere from a few weeks to up to a year in jail for DUI conviction (if you fail to do diversion in timely manner Judge gets pissed and you get sentenced here in Oregon. They don't mess around.) I have another court date in AUGUST to check to see if I've finished DIVERSION or not and the sooner I get started the better. THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE TO AVOID DUI CONVICTION!!!!!!
And my medicaid WILL NOT cover both a METHADONE treatment center AND a Drug and alcohol DIVERSION CENTER cause to insurance they are pretty much the same and they feel they shouldn't have to pay for two clinics that are the same...and I get it, I do. I used to preauthorizations for insurance at my last job and I KNOW that even if I ask they will DENY covering both drug treatment centers at the same time.
So I think about it like this:
1) I wanted to get off methadone and was doing it slowly anyways and I just take this as a sign that its time to just bite the bullet. I've spoken with many people who have walked off much higher doses COLD TURKEY and if they can do it, I can most certainly do it baby stepping 21 days.
2) I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO JAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!
3) I will be going straight from methadone treatment to a DRUG and alcohol diversion/treatment center. They DO NOT offer any medication assistance but they help you with living your life clean and sober and I've been told that I can remain in the program EVEN after my DUI time there has been satisfied. I have a good feeling about this place. NOT like the methadone clinic at all where they either don't have time to care because of too many patients or they JUST don't.
So really I am not feeling that bad. I just want to be as thorough as possible about my symptoms so that people know exactly what its like.
I'm trying not to be a big baby about it and also trying not to make it sound like nothing.
I want everyone to understand that I have THOUGHT this through backwards and forwards. In my immediate future I wanna be able to see myself doing things like going back to school, getting a job and getting my drivers license back WITHOUT the methadone monkey on my back.
It has stopped HELPING me and has become a BURDEN a loooooong time ago.
Hope you understand my motivation better. Take care Granny!
My entry on March 6, 2015 explains why I decided to decrease faster than most people would recommend.
And for anyone too lazy to go back and read the reason why it's this: I have COURT ordered DUI diversion for a DUI that happened 3 years ago. (Something happened with my paperwork with they courts and I got "lost in the shuffle" for a couple years...I got lucky cause if it wasn't for their mistake the judge would have taken the long lapse in time as plane old NON-COMPLIANCE and my a** would be in jail right now.) I MUST complete this or risk spending anywhere from a few weeks to up to a year in jail for DUI conviction (if you fail to do diversion in timely manner Judge gets pissed and you get sentenced here in Oregon. They don't mess around.) I have another court date in AUGUST to check to see if I've finished DIVERSION or not and the sooner I get started the better. THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE TO AVOID DUI CONVICTION!!!!!!
And my medicaid WILL NOT cover both a METHADONE treatment center AND a Drug and alcohol DIVERSION CENTER cause to insurance they are pretty much the same and they feel they shouldn't have to pay for two clinics that are the same...and I get it, I do. I used to preauthorizations for insurance at my last job and I KNOW that even if I ask they will DENY covering both drug treatment centers at the same time.
So I think about it like this:
1) I wanted to get off methadone and was doing it slowly anyways and I just take this as a sign that its time to just bite the bullet. I've spoken with many people who have walked off much higher doses COLD TURKEY and if they can do it, I can most certainly do it baby stepping 21 days.
2) I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO JAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!
3) I will be going straight from methadone treatment to a DRUG and alcohol diversion/treatment center. They DO NOT offer any medication assistance but they help you with living your life clean and sober and I've been told that I can remain in the program EVEN after my DUI time there has been satisfied. I have a good feeling about this place. NOT like the methadone clinic at all where they either don't have time to care because of too many patients or they JUST don't.
So really I am not feeling that bad. I just want to be as thorough as possible about my symptoms so that people know exactly what its like.
I'm trying not to be a big baby about it and also trying not to make it sound like nothing.
I want everyone to understand that I have THOUGHT this through backwards and forwards. In my immediate future I wanna be able to see myself doing things like going back to school, getting a job and getting my drivers license back WITHOUT the methadone monkey on my back.
It has stopped HELPING me and has become a BURDEN a loooooong time ago.
Hope you understand my motivation better. Take care Granny!
3-17-15 HAPPY St. Patricks day everyone!!!
Update on methadone withdrawals.
****day 7 of 21 day detox at my methadone clinic*****
TODAYS DOSE: 14mg's
Right now I feel fine. Morning sucked though. Seems to be the worst when I'm half asleep and get the zaps still. (Did I mention those suck?!?!)
But about an hour or so after my dose I feel SOOO much better. My thinking is its either the PLACEBO effect OR my dose is just not lasting as long so I'm feeling yucky in the wee hours of the night and when I drag my butt out of bed and down to the "evil place" aka the methadone clinic.
Weird thing I've noticed that really bothers me about that place lately is: NOT one person who works there who knows about my 21 day detox has even asked me how I FEEL!!!!!!
You'd think the nurses at the dispensary would say," oh hey patient #---- I see your doing a 21 day detox and your almost half way through....how are you feeling today?" BUT NO!!!! and that is what truly bothers me about this detox so far! F-ng clinic!!!!!
Sorry, rant over.
Bye for now. Going to go clean the house and walk the dog.
Later.
Update on methadone withdrawals.
****day 7 of 21 day detox at my methadone clinic*****
TODAYS DOSE: 14mg's
Right now I feel fine. Morning sucked though. Seems to be the worst when I'm half asleep and get the zaps still. (Did I mention those suck?!?!)
But about an hour or so after my dose I feel SOOO much better. My thinking is its either the PLACEBO effect OR my dose is just not lasting as long so I'm feeling yucky in the wee hours of the night and when I drag my butt out of bed and down to the "evil place" aka the methadone clinic.
Weird thing I've noticed that really bothers me about that place lately is: NOT one person who works there who knows about my 21 day detox has even asked me how I FEEL!!!!!!
You'd think the nurses at the dispensary would say," oh hey patient #---- I see your doing a 21 day detox and your almost half way through....how are you feeling today?" BUT NO!!!! and that is what truly bothers me about this detox so far! F-ng clinic!!!!!
Sorry, rant over.
Bye for now. Going to go clean the house and walk the dog.
Later.
pastcutter,
I'd think most patients wouldn't want to be reminded, even in an acknowledgement, that their dose is going down every day...it would mess with your mind I'd think. In my experience with clinics some dose nurses don't tell you what your dose is when you are at the window being dosed and some do...every single time.
If you are detoxing, especially if it's not something you are wanting to do, being told how low your dose is going every day will only make you feel worse, just because of the way our brain thinks about this stuff. It is, for the most part, in your head.
You could be on 100mg and get dropped 5 and that person will swear they can feel the drop even though at that dose you probably wouldn't.
I have approached our manager about complementing patients on clean tests, etc, instead of always pointing out their failures, ie: dirty test results. We even have a "Hall of Fame" board in our lobby with first and last initials of the patients and their clean times in months and years too.
I see where you are coming from.....a little encouragement can go a long way in detoxing. Hey! You are doing great!!!Way to go!!! Don't count on them, go to meetings, groups...get your kudos there and in knowing how great you are doing.
granny
I'd think most patients wouldn't want to be reminded, even in an acknowledgement, that their dose is going down every day...it would mess with your mind I'd think. In my experience with clinics some dose nurses don't tell you what your dose is when you are at the window being dosed and some do...every single time.
If you are detoxing, especially if it's not something you are wanting to do, being told how low your dose is going every day will only make you feel worse, just because of the way our brain thinks about this stuff. It is, for the most part, in your head.
You could be on 100mg and get dropped 5 and that person will swear they can feel the drop even though at that dose you probably wouldn't.
I have approached our manager about complementing patients on clean tests, etc, instead of always pointing out their failures, ie: dirty test results. We even have a "Hall of Fame" board in our lobby with first and last initials of the patients and their clean times in months and years too.
I see where you are coming from.....a little encouragement can go a long way in detoxing. Hey! You are doing great!!!Way to go!!! Don't count on them, go to meetings, groups...get your kudos there and in knowing how great you are doing.
granny
3-18-15
Today's dose was: 13mg
Don't know what it is exactly but I felt SOOOOO much better this morning! Barely felt any zaps I keep mentioning. Don't get me wrong they were still there but BARELY.
And overall I had MUCH more energy!!!! YAY! Even went for a run in the first time since last Wednesday that was when I started my 21 day detox. (I usually take the dog running almost every day....I LOVE running.)
My feeling better could be:
1) Eating super healthy. Ate a huge plateful of steamed broccoli and a chicken breast for dinner last night and eating things like that all day.
2) It COULD be the supplements I'm taking. Flaxseed oil, Women's Multivitamin, Vitamin C chewable tablets, and Melatonin. (I will post how much of everything if someone requests it. Too lazy right now tho.)
3. Keeping hydrated and drinking protein shakes and bars. My b/f buys the super expensive ones (he works out and is CONVINCED they work better.) and they seem to be helping as well. Keep reading online that the brain NEEDS proteins to REBUILD what was destroyed by years of opiates abuse AND prescription methadone.
4. OR it may just be that my hate for the clinic right now is overpowering my sense of misery my body may be going thru. There is/was drama there this week also...my favorite counselor got fired and today a patient was passing out in the lobby they had to call the paramedics and an ambulance...won't miss THAT drama that's for sure!
It's been a few hours since my run and I do admit I feel my knees starting to ache. It's weird the sensations i'm feeling again. It's literally like my body is WAKING UP. It feels so weird but kinda cool at the same time.
But don't get me wrong on a scale of 1 - 10 (ten being SUPER) I'm like a 8 1/2!
Bye!
3-24-15
Current MG's: 7mg (remember I've been going down 1mg a day since 3-12-15)
Missed a few days reporting in because I was going thru my ladies time... and I only mention that because its always been rough when I would go thru that on methadone. No matter how high my does for some reason I would get these weird unpleasant sensations right before and during.(My first two years on methadone I NEVER had my period.)
Did have to take some (Diazepam) Valiums on one or two of my most emotional days. But those have passed and I feel much better. Don't worry not taking em anymore.
When I woke up this morning my weird zapping feelings had completely gone away. I am pretty confident to say that maybe it was hormones this whole time. So maybe the worst of it is over.
My tummy is getting back to "normal" if you get what I'm saying. It sucks that that was the major side effect of methadone/opiates: constipation. Haven't been normal in literally years, and years. So needless to say its an adjustment. (I apologize for being gross but trying to be thorough.)
I guess I really have no complaints.
I have noticed little things like:
-things are starting to taste different
-I am still having muscle twitches
-Sleep is still sporadic but is coming more easily and getting better QUALITY... (having dreams again which means I am entering REM sleep! YAY!)
-Still getting feelings back...physical ones... VERY sensitive all over and just putting on certain materials or brushing up things I FEEL things again. Haven't had any "intimate relations" yet but when I do THAT should be interesting! lol.
Never really knew how much drugs were numbing my body, mind, AND soul.
I was walking the dog last night and it was raining really hard. I had no headphones on and wasn't distracted by ANYTHING. It was just me, the rain, and my dog...and it was one of the most peaceful moments I've felt in a long time.
I remember being happiest the longest while completely clean and sober but depression brought me back to the need to self destruct. I KNOW I have to be proactive and find something to keep me from going back to numbing myself with either cutting myself, doing drugs, or behaving recklessly... the idiotic things I've done....lets just say I SHOULDN'T be alive right now.
Oh, and nothing is hurting right now...(knock on wood.) But seriously I was just reading my last entry and I was complaining about my knees cause I had gone running. But they don't hurt at all right now and lately I've even had more energy to do all my housework and make dinners from scratch. Made salmon chowder from scratch Saturday and today will make chicken fettuccine Alfredo from scratch today. Love cooking and baking.
Bottom line for today is:
I feel like I am waking back up.
6 more days!!! YAY!
Today's dose was: 13mg
Don't know what it is exactly but I felt SOOOOO much better this morning! Barely felt any zaps I keep mentioning. Don't get me wrong they were still there but BARELY.
And overall I had MUCH more energy!!!! YAY! Even went for a run in the first time since last Wednesday that was when I started my 21 day detox. (I usually take the dog running almost every day....I LOVE running.)
My feeling better could be:
1) Eating super healthy. Ate a huge plateful of steamed broccoli and a chicken breast for dinner last night and eating things like that all day.
2) It COULD be the supplements I'm taking. Flaxseed oil, Women's Multivitamin, Vitamin C chewable tablets, and Melatonin. (I will post how much of everything if someone requests it. Too lazy right now tho.)
3. Keeping hydrated and drinking protein shakes and bars. My b/f buys the super expensive ones (he works out and is CONVINCED they work better.) and they seem to be helping as well. Keep reading online that the brain NEEDS proteins to REBUILD what was destroyed by years of opiates abuse AND prescription methadone.
4. OR it may just be that my hate for the clinic right now is overpowering my sense of misery my body may be going thru. There is/was drama there this week also...my favorite counselor got fired and today a patient was passing out in the lobby they had to call the paramedics and an ambulance...won't miss THAT drama that's for sure!
It's been a few hours since my run and I do admit I feel my knees starting to ache. It's weird the sensations i'm feeling again. It's literally like my body is WAKING UP. It feels so weird but kinda cool at the same time.
But don't get me wrong on a scale of 1 - 10 (ten being SUPER) I'm like a 8 1/2!
Bye!
3-24-15
Current MG's: 7mg (remember I've been going down 1mg a day since 3-12-15)
Missed a few days reporting in because I was going thru my ladies time... and I only mention that because its always been rough when I would go thru that on methadone. No matter how high my does for some reason I would get these weird unpleasant sensations right before and during.(My first two years on methadone I NEVER had my period.)
Did have to take some (Diazepam) Valiums on one or two of my most emotional days. But those have passed and I feel much better. Don't worry not taking em anymore.
When I woke up this morning my weird zapping feelings had completely gone away. I am pretty confident to say that maybe it was hormones this whole time. So maybe the worst of it is over.
My tummy is getting back to "normal" if you get what I'm saying. It sucks that that was the major side effect of methadone/opiates: constipation. Haven't been normal in literally years, and years. So needless to say its an adjustment. (I apologize for being gross but trying to be thorough.)
I guess I really have no complaints.
I have noticed little things like:
-things are starting to taste different
-I am still having muscle twitches
-Sleep is still sporadic but is coming more easily and getting better QUALITY... (having dreams again which means I am entering REM sleep! YAY!)
-Still getting feelings back...physical ones... VERY sensitive all over and just putting on certain materials or brushing up things I FEEL things again. Haven't had any "intimate relations" yet but when I do THAT should be interesting! lol.
Never really knew how much drugs were numbing my body, mind, AND soul.
I was walking the dog last night and it was raining really hard. I had no headphones on and wasn't distracted by ANYTHING. It was just me, the rain, and my dog...and it was one of the most peaceful moments I've felt in a long time.
I remember being happiest the longest while completely clean and sober but depression brought me back to the need to self destruct. I KNOW I have to be proactive and find something to keep me from going back to numbing myself with either cutting myself, doing drugs, or behaving recklessly... the idiotic things I've done....lets just say I SHOULDN'T be alive right now.
Oh, and nothing is hurting right now...(knock on wood.) But seriously I was just reading my last entry and I was complaining about my knees cause I had gone running. But they don't hurt at all right now and lately I've even had more energy to do all my housework and make dinners from scratch. Made salmon chowder from scratch Saturday and today will make chicken fettuccine Alfredo from scratch today. Love cooking and baking.
Bottom line for today is:
I feel like I am waking back up.
6 more days!!! YAY!
3-25-15
Day 15 of 21 day Detox!!!!!!! Only have to go into m. clinic four more times!!!!::::Thurs, fri, sat, and mon (Sunday everyone gets take home dose no matter what)
Current dosage:6mgs
Still feeling pretty good. A friend gave me couple clonipin and gabepentin for muscle twitches and sleep. They work just enough, which is what I need.
Only thing I have to really complain about is my stupid stomach going back to "normal" it's like this weird rebound diarrhea...I know it'll go away but its still frustrating. I have GOT TO REMEMBER to drink more water!!!!
My morning shockies have still gone away as well.
Just taking it easy and watching lots of movies. On a horror movie and sci fi kick lately. Gonna start looking for a job. Maybe have a normal life soon.
One thing I've got to mention is I wish people would just stop with this "oh you may feel fine today but some people feel withdrawals for months after they stop!!!!" Yes I already know this and NO it doesn't happen to everybody! It's like ONE STUPID horror story about SOMEONE out there detoxing gets out and it's ALL anyone EVER talks about!!!!! SO STUPID!!!!! I really don't need people putting negative s*** in my head especially since I am doing so great so far, I'm truly Amazed about how good I feel right now!
Again I hope this helps SOMEONE out there!
P.s. The fettucine Alfredo came out soooooo yummy!!!!!
Day 15 of 21 day Detox!!!!!!! Only have to go into m. clinic four more times!!!!::::Thurs, fri, sat, and mon (Sunday everyone gets take home dose no matter what)
Current dosage:6mgs
Still feeling pretty good. A friend gave me couple clonipin and gabepentin for muscle twitches and sleep. They work just enough, which is what I need.
Only thing I have to really complain about is my stupid stomach going back to "normal" it's like this weird rebound diarrhea...I know it'll go away but its still frustrating. I have GOT TO REMEMBER to drink more water!!!!
My morning shockies have still gone away as well.
Just taking it easy and watching lots of movies. On a horror movie and sci fi kick lately. Gonna start looking for a job. Maybe have a normal life soon.
One thing I've got to mention is I wish people would just stop with this "oh you may feel fine today but some people feel withdrawals for months after they stop!!!!" Yes I already know this and NO it doesn't happen to everybody! It's like ONE STUPID horror story about SOMEONE out there detoxing gets out and it's ALL anyone EVER talks about!!!!! SO STUPID!!!!! I really don't need people putting negative s*** in my head especially since I am doing so great so far, I'm truly Amazed about how good I feel right now!
Again I hope this helps SOMEONE out there!
P.s. The fettucine Alfredo came out soooooo yummy!!!!!
3-26-15 (Just a quick check in cause i'm cooking dinner.....)
Today's dosage is: 5mg
Current withdrawal symptoms:
-irritability (?) and by that I mean mood swings. I have always been moody though but I think how I sometimes how i feel makes me less patient.
-Still stomach problems. But like I said, I KNEW that would happen so no biggie. Totally prepared for this
Everything is totally OK!!!! I even went full bore running today! Ran like 5 miles in this beautiful weather we've been having where I live.
Even had energy left over to clean most of the house. And now I am cooking yet another dinner from scratch. (My boyfriends spoiled.)
But yeah feeling great. I'm not getting my hopes up though I KNOW theres more to come and it'll hit me soon. GOD/SPIRITS? THE DEVIL? help me! (funny cause i'm agnostic)
Check in later. Bye.
Today's dosage is: 5mg
Current withdrawal symptoms:
-irritability (?) and by that I mean mood swings. I have always been moody though but I think how I sometimes how i feel makes me less patient.
-Still stomach problems. But like I said, I KNEW that would happen so no biggie. Totally prepared for this
Everything is totally OK!!!! I even went full bore running today! Ran like 5 miles in this beautiful weather we've been having where I live.
Even had energy left over to clean most of the house. And now I am cooking yet another dinner from scratch. (My boyfriends spoiled.)
But yeah feeling great. I'm not getting my hopes up though I KNOW theres more to come and it'll hit me soon. GOD/SPIRITS? THE DEVIL? help me! (funny cause i'm agnostic)
Check in later. Bye.
I always thought I was agnostic or atheist too until the $#it hit the fan.
I discovered that when I was overwhelmed (I mean "hit bottom") that I instinctively asked God for help.
(God !! Get me out of this !! I'll never do it again !! ) You know what I mean.
I realized that my ego, my "intelligence", was doubting or non-believing .... but my soul cried to God the same as a child cries for it's mother when hurt or scared.
In recovery I "came to believe" with my heart/soul (not my head) that God is there and loves me.
I began to see God, as I understand Him.
I came to realize that I indeed did have a "spiritual" disease and when I asked God for help in 1989 I never had to pick up again.
All the best.
Bob R
I discovered that when I was overwhelmed (I mean "hit bottom") that I instinctively asked God for help.
(God !! Get me out of this !! I'll never do it again !! ) You know what I mean.
I realized that my ego, my "intelligence", was doubting or non-believing .... but my soul cried to God the same as a child cries for it's mother when hurt or scared.
In recovery I "came to believe" with my heart/soul (not my head) that God is there and loves me.
I began to see God, as I understand Him.
I came to realize that I indeed did have a "spiritual" disease and when I asked God for help in 1989 I never had to pick up again.
All the best.
Bob R
Hey everyone! Sorry I was MIA for a few days. Some family drama happened over the weekend.
Yes its bad and no I don't want to get into it.
Dose on Friday 3-27-15: 4mg
Dose on Sat 3-28-15: 3mg
Dose on Sun 3-29-15: 2mg
Dose TODAY!!!! 3-30-15: 1mg ((((LAST DAY AT CLINIC!!!!!!!!)))))))
Ok, heres the withdrawals I'm feeling right now:
1) Tummy troubles (won't get into it but use your imagination)
2) Slight insomnia (but to be honest I have ALWAYS suffered from insomnia so it may not be from the methadone withdrawals)
3) Sporadic energy, which sucks because I'm a bit of an exercise junkie and neat freak, no energy to clean sometimes....
4) (this isn't bothering me but I feel I must mention): muscle twitches all over....feels almost neat.....;sense of smell is coming back, some things are tasting different, which makes sense cause I no longer have desire to eat candy all the time; losing "methadone" weight: combination of eating healthier, walking/running/lifting weights, and tapering off of methadone is doing wonders for my figure, I even had girls at clinic saying I'm getting a "glow". Guess poison can make you look a little sickly, huh?
Things that have been helping A LOT:
1) Knowing that I am no longer chained to what is a basically legal heroin/poison
2) IMODIUM!!!
3) clonidine i got from a friend to help me sleep
4) Weird thing I've noticed that actually helps the most is MUSIC. I just blast my favorite music (industrial, heavy metal, classic rock) all day long and it keeps me out of my own head. I'm on a nine inch nails kick right now.
Things I've been neglecting but I KNOW I need to be doing more:
1) DRINKING MORE WATER....omg such a little thing makes such a HUGE difference in how I feel
2) Getting outside more
3) Getting the energy to make myself something healthy instead of just grabbing some sugary/salty snack cause I don't have energy to make it
4) Stop thinking about how I got myself into this mess in the first place
My birthday is at the end of April and I am super excited to spend it "chemical free"
Seriously ppl it's not as bad as every one makes it out. For me most 98% has been mental. I'm a crazy depressive b**** and can be VERY moody. So I KNOW my demons are my emotions and dealing with how things have turned out with my family. That's my s***. THAT's MY trigger...depression.
But overall I'm having GOOD days. Just want to be happy. But we'll see.....
Yes its bad and no I don't want to get into it.
Dose on Friday 3-27-15: 4mg
Dose on Sat 3-28-15: 3mg
Dose on Sun 3-29-15: 2mg
Dose TODAY!!!! 3-30-15: 1mg ((((LAST DAY AT CLINIC!!!!!!!!)))))))
Ok, heres the withdrawals I'm feeling right now:
1) Tummy troubles (won't get into it but use your imagination)
2) Slight insomnia (but to be honest I have ALWAYS suffered from insomnia so it may not be from the methadone withdrawals)
3) Sporadic energy, which sucks because I'm a bit of an exercise junkie and neat freak, no energy to clean sometimes....
4) (this isn't bothering me but I feel I must mention): muscle twitches all over....feels almost neat.....;sense of smell is coming back, some things are tasting different, which makes sense cause I no longer have desire to eat candy all the time; losing "methadone" weight: combination of eating healthier, walking/running/lifting weights, and tapering off of methadone is doing wonders for my figure, I even had girls at clinic saying I'm getting a "glow". Guess poison can make you look a little sickly, huh?
Things that have been helping A LOT:
1) Knowing that I am no longer chained to what is a basically legal heroin/poison
2) IMODIUM!!!
3) clonidine i got from a friend to help me sleep
4) Weird thing I've noticed that actually helps the most is MUSIC. I just blast my favorite music (industrial, heavy metal, classic rock) all day long and it keeps me out of my own head. I'm on a nine inch nails kick right now.
Things I've been neglecting but I KNOW I need to be doing more:
1) DRINKING MORE WATER....omg such a little thing makes such a HUGE difference in how I feel
2) Getting outside more
3) Getting the energy to make myself something healthy instead of just grabbing some sugary/salty snack cause I don't have energy to make it
4) Stop thinking about how I got myself into this mess in the first place
My birthday is at the end of April and I am super excited to spend it "chemical free"
Seriously ppl it's not as bad as every one makes it out. For me most 98% has been mental. I'm a crazy depressive b**** and can be VERY moody. So I KNOW my demons are my emotions and dealing with how things have turned out with my family. That's my s***. THAT's MY trigger...depression.
But overall I'm having GOOD days. Just want to be happy. But we'll see.....
Oh and I'll keep checking in and letting people know how I am doing.
Take care of yourselves.
Take care of yourselves.
