Hi, I'm new here. Not quite sure how to start this off. But i really need someone to talk to. I'm a diagnosed survivor of bipolar/bpd disorder and I fell in love with an addict. I knew he had a past when we met. And I actually knew about a few incidences that he used methicathione after we met. The night we got engaged I made him promise that he would stop. And as far as I knew he did. I believed him with all my heart and i defended him to anyone who dared to suggest that he was using again. I defended all of his behaviour. However, a year later I found out that he lied. He had been using the whole time and it was worse than before. I found out about a lot of lies. He sold almost everything I owned (we owned after we moved in together). Everytime something dissapeared he said that it must've been stolen. And I believed him. Not long after we moved in togehter (into a house my dad bought, which we rented from him), he started dissapearing at night. At this stage he still did not have a job and we relied on my very small part-time income. I am still studying so it was hard for me to work a full day, take care of the home and study. A lot of fights followed the dissapearances. I was scared out of my mind. I was so worried about him. And I often went to look for him either in my car or by foot. But always believed that it would be the last time he would not be there when I wake up at night. After a couple of months he got a temporary job but there were always strange complications. And things were just plain weird. His salary would be late or not paid at all etc. Until he didn't go to work anymore at all. There were weeks which i didn't eat at all because I knew he would be at home and I didn't want him to be hungry. Meantime he pawned/sold stuff to get money and spent it on alcohol and drugs. Then he went for an interview and got a permanent full-time legit job as a project manager. This was the best and the worst of times. It helped so much for his emotional state to have a stable job. And we were happy. But things soon started going weird again. The dissapearances and "working late nights" started again. And he started playing strange games with me. Or that was how it felt. He would dissapeare and when i finally found him or he got home at 3am he would tell me he just wanted to see if i really care. He would pick fights with me on the nights before my exams and it almost seemed as if he wanted me to suffer. Other nights he would listen to his loud music and tell me that i'm free to go to bed. When i eventually did after begging him to turn down the music or come to bed he would wait for me to settle down and send me a message on my phone from the other room. If i didn't reply he would put up the volume so that i would wake up. After some conflict he would say he's sorry and wait for me to settle and then repeat it. The manipulation in our fights got worse. I ended up living in fear and stress. I was so scared we would get into an argument because he didnt fight fair and his manipulation tore me apart. It drove me almost literally insane. I was so stressed and scared all the time. Scared that he wouldn't come home if i said the wrong thing or asked the wrong question. And to add to all of this he never trusted me. He was constantly looking for reasons to accuse me of being unfaithful or untruthful or whatever. He did background checks on me etc. I had a troubled past with my diagnosis but when we met I told him everything. He knew everything. We installed an honesty policy and said that whenever we talk to each other within the honesty zone, no matter what, we would face the consequences together. In the beginning of our relationship it worked fantastic. The last year however I asked him so many times, honesty policy are you okay, what is going on, should i be worried, are you lying etc etc. He lied. everytime. Finally he pawned the last of my valuables and a lot of the equipment that belonged to his employer. And when he couldn't get the money to get the stuff back he broke and told me some of the story. His work phoned me the same day and asked me to come to the office. When i arrived they questioned me and told me that he had told them I had the electronic stuff like the laptop etc. By that time I had lost it mentally and told him he waited to long to tell me the truth and he hurt me too much. I was shocked that he would throw me under the bus like that. It turned out he did the same to some other people too. I immediately informed is parents and told them that I would try to convince him to go to them. They agreed to help. This was not the first relapse they had to deal with. The first night was hell. He brought back my car and threw the house keys through the gate. He told me I was heartless and didn't care about him and that he would commit suicide. He left on foot. When i went to look for him i couldn't find him. Eventually i went to my parents and told them the truth. They were shocked, angry, dissapointed that the person who they loved and accepted as a son could do these things. It took me hours to convince him to go to his family. Eventually he did. They've been trying to get him into rehab but our state health system in SA is s***. And it's a struggle. More lies and manipulation have surfaced. Eventhough I broke off the engagement and packed up all his stuff I can't manage to break contact with him. I feel so guilty. I feel like i owe it to him to be nice. I feel like eventhough I can't ever be with him again i still love him. And to add to all this i have to now deal with my own demons too. Trust was a major issue in my life. I never trusted anyone and then i blindly trusted this stranger with everything. And he broke it all. I can feel the depression and anxiety gripping me and it feels like no matter how hard i try i can't get away from it. Some days it feels like its all my fault...if only i saw the signs earlier. If only I helped him. This all happened just over 2 weeks ago. It was hell for more than a year being in the relationship...and the hell has not stopped. My phone is flooded with everything from promises of recovery and a better future to suicide threats and manipulation and insults or accusations. I know it's up to me to stop it but it's so hard. And i feel so alone. I have friends. But it's not the same. And they listen but they don't understand or know really what I'm going through. Sometimes I wish I could've just been a normal girl. Normal break ups is hard enough. But now I have to deal with my own mental condition and try to cope with this break up and be nice to the man who has hurt me more than he can ever begin to understand. I forgive him. And I know the substances alter his neuropathways and all that. I worked at a psychology practice for over a year and I've been in therapy myself for almost 5 years. So i understand all that. I know he's a good person that just has a problem. But it still hurts. And I still can't see that we can ever have a future after all that hurt. I've got too many pieces to pick up. And above all he didn't only hurt me, he hurt the people i love too. Is this wrong of me? Am i a horrible person for feeling that way?
Since he has been back at his parents he has gotten out of the house more than once. One night i was scared as hell cause they phoned me and told me he's not there. He also told me and threatened suicide. My parents, his parents and I all live within 3km from each other. Eventually at 3am I picked him up on the other side of town and took him back to his parents. He begged me not to but I was firm on that. He has used again and still drinks. But he keeps on saying he wants to get better. I keep on telling him he has to do it for himself. That he owes it to himself. And he shouldn't do it because he thinks we'll have a future then because it's over. But he doesn't listen. I told him I will be available to chat on the phone if he needs someone to talk to because I know it must be difficutl and that he's scared etc. But it seems as though he's abusing the good will. I'm still scared to sleep. And I still wake up from nightmares. In the meantime i know he's wreaking havoc at his parents one day and the next he seems to be sorry. It's all such a nightmare. I wish it would just end.
What really helped me was Alanon or Naranon. It helped to be around people (parents, partners, siblings) of addicts. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, for that one night I felt good, felt positive, even if I didn't say one thing in the meeting. I strongly suggest it for you. Yes, everyone in there has been out in the wee hours of the morning looking for their addict.
He has to find sobriety on his own. You cannot do it for him or help him, you are only enabling him. You can encourage him in his recovery but you cannot do it for him no matter how hard you try.
You might want to try counseling to help you with this big loss of trust, especially after your past issues. You need to learn how to find and attract healthy relationships. But he is not now. It's not easy.
He has to find sobriety on his own. You cannot do it for him or help him, you are only enabling him. You can encourage him in his recovery but you cannot do it for him no matter how hard you try.
You might want to try counseling to help you with this big loss of trust, especially after your past issues. You need to learn how to find and attract healthy relationships. But he is not now. It's not easy.
Dear Hopeful Alice,
Im going to be really blunt because I think you need someone to be blunt with you.
Before I get into it, let me just tell you - my husband was a heroin addict. I went through the whole spiel. The night disappearences, going out to look for him in the middle of the night - with my baby in the car! I was lied to and cheated on, and I defended and protected him to our friends and family and his office. It took me about a year of it all to move, and I dont know that I ever quite let go. So I know what you are going through, I have been there and I am not judging, but I have to say it!
You 're fianc sounds like an a-whole!
He emptied out your house and sold everyting that was in it - so he could get high! He told his boss you had the company's equipment! There is no excuse for this type of behaviour - not even drugs! What on earth are you feeling guilty about?
You don't miss him, you know. You miss what you wanted your engagement, marriage and life to be with him. You miss the promise of him. So move on! Let yourself start over. Let yourself find a new dream, a new promise. You deserve that!
Are you getting help for yourself? Are you seeing a therapist? Are you on medication? Please find help, find whatever it is that you need to motivate yourself to get past this heartbreaking dispointment.
Take care!
Im going to be really blunt because I think you need someone to be blunt with you.
Before I get into it, let me just tell you - my husband was a heroin addict. I went through the whole spiel. The night disappearences, going out to look for him in the middle of the night - with my baby in the car! I was lied to and cheated on, and I defended and protected him to our friends and family and his office. It took me about a year of it all to move, and I dont know that I ever quite let go. So I know what you are going through, I have been there and I am not judging, but I have to say it!
You 're fianc sounds like an a-whole!
He emptied out your house and sold everyting that was in it - so he could get high! He told his boss you had the company's equipment! There is no excuse for this type of behaviour - not even drugs! What on earth are you feeling guilty about?
You don't miss him, you know. You miss what you wanted your engagement, marriage and life to be with him. You miss the promise of him. So move on! Let yourself start over. Let yourself find a new dream, a new promise. You deserve that!
Are you getting help for yourself? Are you seeing a therapist? Are you on medication? Please find help, find whatever it is that you need to motivate yourself to get past this heartbreaking dispointment.
Take care!
Thanks for the replies. It helps so much.
Ijustwanttohelp - Thank you...your bluntness actually helped. Yes, I am seeing my psychologist to help me. But I have to travel 300km (sorry we use metric in SA) to see her, so I kinda have to limit sessions and then cram everything into the hour I see her. I am taking my meds and asked my doc to prescribe something for anxiety just for temporary use until I feel more stable.
I hate that he still says he loves me. It hurts and feels like a lie. I wish he could just be angry with me and delete me.
I don't know why it's so hard for me to delete and block him. I just feel so bad to do that. I know his promises of getting better and "being the man I deserve" are probably nothing more than desperate rantings to not lose me. I believe he can recover and I wish that he would and that he will get his ducks in a row, get a job and then find a wife who will give him the new start he deserves then. But i don't want to be that person. I don't want to risk the possibility of him hurting me again. I know it sounds stupid...but I had to take all the responsibility in our relationship and even now that it's over. I just wish he would take one responsiblity on him and set me free...delete me...and allow me to move on.
Did anyone else struggle to be the one to break contact telephonically? How did you do it?
Ijustwanttohelp - Thank you...your bluntness actually helped. Yes, I am seeing my psychologist to help me. But I have to travel 300km (sorry we use metric in SA) to see her, so I kinda have to limit sessions and then cram everything into the hour I see her. I am taking my meds and asked my doc to prescribe something for anxiety just for temporary use until I feel more stable.
I hate that he still says he loves me. It hurts and feels like a lie. I wish he could just be angry with me and delete me.
I don't know why it's so hard for me to delete and block him. I just feel so bad to do that. I know his promises of getting better and "being the man I deserve" are probably nothing more than desperate rantings to not lose me. I believe he can recover and I wish that he would and that he will get his ducks in a row, get a job and then find a wife who will give him the new start he deserves then. But i don't want to be that person. I don't want to risk the possibility of him hurting me again. I know it sounds stupid...but I had to take all the responsibility in our relationship and even now that it's over. I just wish he would take one responsiblity on him and set me free...delete me...and allow me to move on.
Did anyone else struggle to be the one to break contact telephonically? How did you do it?
