So down mentally it's causing problems. I did a cold kick was off maybe 2 weeks went right back then did another come down, this one with prescription narcotics. I've had nothing for 2 days depression is pretty bad to top that off i'm sure my kidney is angry at me. I have had kidney issues many times. I'm running a fever chills sweats and peeing blood. Going to go to the doctor first thing tommorw, I'm still depressed about my friend dying ...soo soo tempting to just score. I think some of this is withdraw but, i'm sure my kidney is messed up on top of it. Breating hurts feels like my chest is being sat on. Still have a abscess in my arm been there weeks now. It is not hurting but, it's a lump that if you push it moves. Not good i'm SO scared of getting DRUG TESTED i don't want to even see a doctor. I lost my kids before over going to get medical treatment "MERA nearly lost my arm". I know this kidney thing has to be treated. As for the arm i won't have that looked at no matter what!!!... it is so clearly from drug use I CAN'T have it treated. The kidney is a huge concern. This depression is pretty overwhelming I just can't stand it. I looked thru everything in my house today trying to find a pill left over cotton or ANYTHING no luck pulled out beds and dressers lol. My head in so done in I feel totally foolish on top of it.
going to dr soon today
ZG...you do not want to go through this again...I know you don't. Hang tough and know we are here for you.
Love ~ M&M
Love ~ M&M
Herogirl, I hate to say it, but if you don't get help with your addiction/ issues once and for all there is a very good chance you'll lose everything . You've been here before, you know it'll only get worse. This addiction sh*t constantly is there ready n waiting to grab us and drag us down again. You are worried about getting caught as you don't want to lose your kids again, but this is a possibility in months , years to come if you don't seek help.
I know how hard it is, this is not easy. My thoughts are with you at this time.
There is help out there, it may not be the help you want, but it may save your life. I hated asking for help all my life, hated it. Today I know i need to. If it gets me through the day clean i am willing to do it.
Success doesn't come to you, you go to it, be it in life, love money or recovery. You deserve to be successful.
Take care and keep posting, Kev x
I know how hard it is, this is not easy. My thoughts are with you at this time.
There is help out there, it may not be the help you want, but it may save your life. I hated asking for help all my life, hated it. Today I know i need to. If it gets me through the day clean i am willing to do it.
Success doesn't come to you, you go to it, be it in life, love money or recovery. You deserve to be successful.
Take care and keep posting, Kev x
doctor said I had a kidney infection and small kidney stones. I feel like i'm gonna die. As for addiction I keep thinking I can handle it on my own "which i know is not ture". Gonna quit today is day 3. I think the using may be a trigger for the kidney pain going on. My body has been so abused it's unreal. Peeing blood at 33 years old. TY kev and momnmore, i'm yet again telling myself I have a handle on this
What face to face support have you got?
no face to face support no one knows I was using. I never did have any real face to face support the 5 years i had clean. I had a counslor at the m-done clinic for a 1 1/2 years that was a long time ago. Outside of this board I don't talk about my addiction much.
i think i need prozac still so depressed
But you were never really clean, ZG...there was always something you were using...benzos, whatever. And you are too stubborn to ask for help or go to a 12 step program (your feelings on those have been made abundantly clear).....
,,,so now what?
Keep doing what you've always done, keep getting what you've always gotten.
Feel better soon, ZG.
Peace ~ M&M
,,,so now what?
Keep doing what you've always done, keep getting what you've always gotten.
Feel better soon, ZG.
Peace ~ M&M
Having face to face support has been so important in my recovery. There are days when my head in like a box of fireworks ( that's a good day) . Having people who understand gets me through. We always find it hard to reach out us addicts, but addicts understand addicts best.
Glad you're here, kev...she needs you more than she needs my telling her what she already knows.
Everybody needs to find their own way. We all have to look in the mirror from time to time. Sometimes we need to admit things to ourselves that make us uncomfortable or sad.Intelligent people stay in tune with their feelings and do self evaluations from time to time. I picture zerogirl as a very intelligent person. Get it? Everybody on this board is smart enough to have done some self evaluations before. I'm sure we all have a pretty good handle on what may be ailing us now and again.
I know for a fact that my "real" depression came before my drugs use. The faux depression that you feel after a spell on Dope is caused by your awareness that life, while maybe not that great before Dope, really sucks now because of all the negative issues that Dope brings into our lives.
If you can honestly say that your life without dope in it is a good life and that their is nothing going on that you feel you should be depressed about then I really dont understand your continued use of drugs, meaning the 5 years off heroin, and your recent relapse back onto heroin. Don't worry so much about a relapse, Sheeet happens, we all know that. Think about why, although I think you already know the answers.
Best of luck and well wishes, Zerogirl
Kevin.
P.S. 21-22 Days clean. Feel Good and back to work. But that's for another post.
I know for a fact that my "real" depression came before my drugs use. The faux depression that you feel after a spell on Dope is caused by your awareness that life, while maybe not that great before Dope, really sucks now because of all the negative issues that Dope brings into our lives.
If you can honestly say that your life without dope in it is a good life and that their is nothing going on that you feel you should be depressed about then I really dont understand your continued use of drugs, meaning the 5 years off heroin, and your recent relapse back onto heroin. Don't worry so much about a relapse, Sheeet happens, we all know that. Think about why, although I think you already know the answers.
Best of luck and well wishes, Zerogirl
Kevin.
P.S. 21-22 Days clean. Feel Good and back to work. But that's for another post.
Also wanted to add.....
It's obvious that your not doing so well getting yourself off the Dope so get yourself to a clinic and do the outpatient Suboxone program.( I take it your in the U.S.) I considered It to have saved my life detoxing this last time. While I have been feeling good, I also realize that I have not addressed the issues that led me to Heroin. I have gone back to work and am letting my life get back to normal and see if these issues arise again. If they do, I have set myself up with a suboxone doctor and therapist that deals directly with family issues such as mine. All I need to do is call them and I'm seen immediately. I will NOT go back to Heroin.
Peace
Kevin.
It's obvious that your not doing so well getting yourself off the Dope so get yourself to a clinic and do the outpatient Suboxone program.( I take it your in the U.S.) I considered It to have saved my life detoxing this last time. While I have been feeling good, I also realize that I have not addressed the issues that led me to Heroin. I have gone back to work and am letting my life get back to normal and see if these issues arise again. If they do, I have set myself up with a suboxone doctor and therapist that deals directly with family issues such as mine. All I need to do is call them and I'm seen immediately. I will NOT go back to Heroin.
Peace
Kevin.
Thanks momnmore,dee,and Kevin. This depression is still lingering the kidney seems to be getting better with antibotics. I have had depression many times in the past, sometimes without ANY drug use at all. I'm hoping this will just go away. Besides the recent h use and detoxing my life was all broken up when the guy I did home health care for 2 years died. He was a friend. I am still working but, I don't love my job the way I did. My hours are too much i'm working morning and evenings. I have a new clinet who is a total lift she is so hard for me to care for. She won't use a Hoyer Lift "mechanical lift" for the disable they scare her. So I have to lift her several times a day "day/night". She is very elderly but, she is a lot taller then me it's pretty draining mentally and physically her hubsand was told she has maybe 9 months or less left. It's depressing to work the job I work. I only see sick dying elderly people. I know the familys, I hear all the great things. I get to know the people then watch them suffer till they die "over and over on to the next one". It use to not get to me but, I had a RN friend tell me years ago nurses can usually only do hospice care for a few years before it gets to be too much. I never thought I would see the day where I could not do it. I think more then anything the loss of my friend and the demands of my job are getting to me.
How ya doin kid???
Man, you have a tough scene goin on- beyond your habit, ZG-I KNOW better than most, that is sooo easy to say "you can do it" you,ve been there before"
Take care of yourself first"
All the sayings that we hear when we need support- - and I guess there is nothing wrong with that at all.
But - its hard to explain the pain, the emotions, the spiritual side of your personality being torn apart by circumstances beyond your control.
Its easy to say - you need to go to 12 step meetings, or find a therapist, you shouldnt have to do this alone- - but the fact is sometimes , a new a different plan is needed. And I certainly dont have a magic answer for ya- (wish I did)
Some of us just dont have the resources- whether is $$$ or a ride, or the confidence, or the energy- - but all we really need to begin with is the fucqing desire - - Its as simply as I could put it- > If you have the desire ,your on a good road. If your not sure- - well, it will continue to be -get high one day - fight to stay clean for a few days- -you know the battle- it is nothing less than hell.
I know the clinic -which seemed to help the most, from what Ive read thru your posts thru the year or so, isnt around the corner- it aint free - etc...
I dont know the story, but if you choose to go that route- and I aint a counselor or doctor so Im not suggesting it at all- -
all I want to say ,is that Ive made mANY good connections in the advocacy group I beyond to- so if I can answer some questions, or even kick some people into action -in Kansas? is it-? -Ill try
I wish > strength, >hope and good karma to come into your life soon
jack
Man, you have a tough scene goin on- beyond your habit, ZG-I KNOW better than most, that is sooo easy to say "you can do it" you,ve been there before"
Take care of yourself first"
All the sayings that we hear when we need support- - and I guess there is nothing wrong with that at all.
But - its hard to explain the pain, the emotions, the spiritual side of your personality being torn apart by circumstances beyond your control.
Its easy to say - you need to go to 12 step meetings, or find a therapist, you shouldnt have to do this alone- - but the fact is sometimes , a new a different plan is needed. And I certainly dont have a magic answer for ya- (wish I did)
Some of us just dont have the resources- whether is $$$ or a ride, or the confidence, or the energy- - but all we really need to begin with is the fucqing desire - - Its as simply as I could put it- > If you have the desire ,your on a good road. If your not sure- - well, it will continue to be -get high one day - fight to stay clean for a few days- -you know the battle- it is nothing less than hell.
I know the clinic -which seemed to help the most, from what Ive read thru your posts thru the year or so, isnt around the corner- it aint free - etc...
I dont know the story, but if you choose to go that route- and I aint a counselor or doctor so Im not suggesting it at all- -
all I want to say ,is that Ive made mANY good connections in the advocacy group I beyond to- so if I can answer some questions, or even kick some people into action -in Kansas? is it-? -Ill try
I wish > strength, >hope and good karma to come into your life soon
jack
Nice post, Jack, you're a good guy.
Thanks a lot Jack. That was a thoughtful post. I am glad you took the time for me to write it. My job is difficult because I know going in the door i'm not there to get anyone better. I am going to work hard clean and care for theses people they all dying. I never see anyone get better, only worse. My duty is to see them die with some dignity in tact that is it.
I know you get that Jack.
As for treatment I don't know if subs would do any good when i'm not in fresh withdraw anymore. I have wanted to go back on methadone for a long time now. My man is against me going that is a huge block. The clinic is about 40 mins away one way so over a hour round trip + time waiting to dose. Cost is $98.00 a week + gas cost which is high. Time I don't have a lot of it to spend. I have a partner but, with the way he and I both work we don't see each other a lot. So I have all 3 kids by myself when I am not at work most of the time. Working in any treatment is almost Impossible. I know doing it on my own did not work but, I don't know any other way to do it. I've done everything under the sun at one point or another meetings/rehab/methadone/counslors only the m-done was effective on many levels i felt more together. I have no one who will back me up on going back on methadone. I've thought long and any treatment I do is going to be me, myself, and I. I know people don't buy it but, meetings aa/na are not for me at all. I have been to many I don't get it I don't belive in the thought behind it. I am in Ohio. P.S methadone is still a option but, its a option i'ld also be working alone "as far as support" i'ld have a m-done counslor but, no other support.
I know you get that Jack.
As for treatment I don't know if subs would do any good when i'm not in fresh withdraw anymore. I have wanted to go back on methadone for a long time now. My man is against me going that is a huge block. The clinic is about 40 mins away one way so over a hour round trip + time waiting to dose. Cost is $98.00 a week + gas cost which is high. Time I don't have a lot of it to spend. I have a partner but, with the way he and I both work we don't see each other a lot. So I have all 3 kids by myself when I am not at work most of the time. Working in any treatment is almost Impossible. I know doing it on my own did not work but, I don't know any other way to do it. I've done everything under the sun at one point or another meetings/rehab/methadone/counslors only the m-done was effective on many levels i felt more together. I have no one who will back me up on going back on methadone. I've thought long and any treatment I do is going to be me, myself, and I. I know people don't buy it but, meetings aa/na are not for me at all. I have been to many I don't get it I don't belive in the thought behind it. I am in Ohio. P.S methadone is still a option but, its a option i'ld also be working alone "as far as support" i'ld have a m-done counslor but, no other support.
Hello ZGirl,
I hope today will be a better day for you.
Jack is right. We all need to do what we feel is best for us. We can go to all the meetings we want. We can listen to people tell us how much they care, how they will be there for us and how good things are when clean. We can hear this till the cows come home. It all adds up to nothing without the desire to do something about stopping.
We all know the hell detoxing can be and the relapsing that follows. I don't even know if you can call it a relapse for me as I was never clean longer than 10 days or so. I'm not going to explain how sick I was, detoxing, and the hell that follows. Same old story and my story is no different than anyone elses here.
I'm not going to go into what I did to stop as it's posted under my " Suboxone" post. I will say this though.I know that if I continue to use I will first- lose everything I have worked 30+ yrs for and second - probably my life because Heroin is a one way street to the grave and I have had 3 close calls with near overdosing.
I may have to go on Subs myself as the Paws I'm experiencing , while nothing compared to before, are quite the annoyance, and I'm thinking about Herion a lot lately and while fine now ( around 25 days clean) I know that if I let my guard down just a little bit, i'm back to using. It's that easy for me to go back. In fact, right now I want to use. I'm not going to though. Not today.
I have learned not to wait till i'm sick as hell to try and make a plan to stop so I arranged a visit with a Sub doc when I feel I'm going to need him. That could be today, tomorrow ,next month i don't know.
Look, I'm not a therapist or any kind of professional in the area or treating addiction. I'm only telling you what worked or is working for me at this time and i'm doing it alone. When I say alone I mean I have no one that I can go to that I feel can or would help me. I'm alone in this. No one to drive me to the docs if I need. No one to get a script filled if I need. No one to make a phone call if I need. No one to cook a meal if i'm dope sick or clean some cloths or bed sheets. No one. Sure I have had people tell me they would help but the first time I asked I got the hesitation that goes with a person not really wanting to do the task you asked them to do. So it finally sank in that I m going to have to go it alone and it's hard to do alone but that's the reality of it.
If you feel you need to go the Sub route then do it. "The kids", "My man won't back me", " The cost", "The distance", etc,etc,etc..I can tell from just your posts that things are not getting any better for you. Get yourself feeling better and then I would deal with the issue of certain ppl in your life not having your best interests at heart. That's a huge issue right there,Z.
Long to short. The Doc will cost $325.00 for 1st visit and $ 100.00 after and $30.00 for the script for the first weeks worth of suboxone. I was spending up to 1k a week on heroin when working and almost 500 a week, and a few days of being sick, when not working. Simple math.
I sincerely hope today is a good day for you . I really do.
I hope today will be a better day for you.
Jack is right. We all need to do what we feel is best for us. We can go to all the meetings we want. We can listen to people tell us how much they care, how they will be there for us and how good things are when clean. We can hear this till the cows come home. It all adds up to nothing without the desire to do something about stopping.
We all know the hell detoxing can be and the relapsing that follows. I don't even know if you can call it a relapse for me as I was never clean longer than 10 days or so. I'm not going to explain how sick I was, detoxing, and the hell that follows. Same old story and my story is no different than anyone elses here.
I'm not going to go into what I did to stop as it's posted under my " Suboxone" post. I will say this though.I know that if I continue to use I will first- lose everything I have worked 30+ yrs for and second - probably my life because Heroin is a one way street to the grave and I have had 3 close calls with near overdosing.
I may have to go on Subs myself as the Paws I'm experiencing , while nothing compared to before, are quite the annoyance, and I'm thinking about Herion a lot lately and while fine now ( around 25 days clean) I know that if I let my guard down just a little bit, i'm back to using. It's that easy for me to go back. In fact, right now I want to use. I'm not going to though. Not today.
I have learned not to wait till i'm sick as hell to try and make a plan to stop so I arranged a visit with a Sub doc when I feel I'm going to need him. That could be today, tomorrow ,next month i don't know.
Look, I'm not a therapist or any kind of professional in the area or treating addiction. I'm only telling you what worked or is working for me at this time and i'm doing it alone. When I say alone I mean I have no one that I can go to that I feel can or would help me. I'm alone in this. No one to drive me to the docs if I need. No one to get a script filled if I need. No one to make a phone call if I need. No one to cook a meal if i'm dope sick or clean some cloths or bed sheets. No one. Sure I have had people tell me they would help but the first time I asked I got the hesitation that goes with a person not really wanting to do the task you asked them to do. So it finally sank in that I m going to have to go it alone and it's hard to do alone but that's the reality of it.
If you feel you need to go the Sub route then do it. "The kids", "My man won't back me", " The cost", "The distance", etc,etc,etc..I can tell from just your posts that things are not getting any better for you. Get yourself feeling better and then I would deal with the issue of certain ppl in your life not having your best interests at heart. That's a huge issue right there,Z.
Long to short. The Doc will cost $325.00 for 1st visit and $ 100.00 after and $30.00 for the script for the first weeks worth of suboxone. I was spending up to 1k a week on heroin when working and almost 500 a week, and a few days of being sick, when not working. Simple math.
I sincerely hope today is a good day for you . I really do.
Kevin, I do know I need methadone to not have these cravings and relaspes. I know it is best for me to get myself right. That's the real reality of it all I won't be okay in the long run without treatment. The cost sucks for sure but, it's not my biggest road block. I hate that I know i'll get no one to back me up on my choice to go to the m-done clinic. It was eye opening to hear you say your doing this alone also "made me feel less alone, less self pity". Everytime i've used since getting out of the m-done clinic it's been alone. I score alone, i drink alone, I use alone, so recovery will be alone also. Before the clinic I used with people everyone in my family and the neighborhood knew I used, I was open about it. After going to m-done and detoxing out and everyone thinking I was cured I hid every time I used. I don't want people to know it is shameful to me I do feel like a screw up that I can't stop. In my 4 years out of the clinic very little time was totally drug free "just my pregnancy time" was drug free. When my son was about 3 months old I started using pills and drinking. So for the last 3.5 years i've used something without it being known. This addiction is getting the better of me. Today is day 7 i think without ANY drug or drink...funny thou if I go to the clinic you HAVE to have a + drug test "but, not used in the last 12-24 hours" to get your 1st dose. So to go I will need something in my system still trying to decide if I give it my all without the m-done or go and confess I have a issue I even dread telling the m-done clinic I failed.
Z,
First of all, I really, really hope you aren't taking anything I say personally. When I read about you having no one supporting you ,outside of this board, it made me some what angry because it hit very close to home.
I really, really want you to get better.
People will tell you that you need to get away from the friends in your life that use. Well, I have supported certain people in my life, unconditionally, that do not use any drugs at all. Even at my worst , using dope, I was there for them during the difficult times in their lives.These are the ones that are "going to be there for me". The ones I should "call if you need anything, anything at all" Mind you , this is family I'm talking about and I have never asked anything of them in my life, before now. I think they were counting on that.
Well , I called. It was nothing but hesitation and excuse after excuse. I was detoxing at the time and felt like sheet and all I wanted was for 1 of them to go to the store for me and get some cat and bird food so i could feed my pets.Screw em. never again will I ask.
Anyway,
We know that we need to do this. And we know that we need to do that but when getting out of bed is a major accomplishment it's so hard to go to a meeting or see a therapist, etc, etc. We just don't do it. Especially with out some there for us to " motivate" us.
That's the only reason I say to go the Subs route. I know that some of the places I called about rehab told me I needed to be clean before they would take me. Then when I got clean, and still felt like sheet, it was 20+ days before they could get me in. Relapse. People in the hospitals that I went to didn't seem to care that I was sick as hell even on subs. Relapse.
My damn dope dealer got me down this road and my using , or used to use, friends are the ones that make the effort to come by my house or call to see how I am. I'm not turning my back on them.
Listen, and I mean this because I'm worried about you. If you need anyone to talk too or email address let me know. I'll do what ever I can. If you want < we> can get you through this.
I just don't want to overstep my boundaries, be out of line for lack of a better term.
I hope you are well Z.
First of all, I really, really hope you aren't taking anything I say personally. When I read about you having no one supporting you ,outside of this board, it made me some what angry because it hit very close to home.
I really, really want you to get better.
People will tell you that you need to get away from the friends in your life that use. Well, I have supported certain people in my life, unconditionally, that do not use any drugs at all. Even at my worst , using dope, I was there for them during the difficult times in their lives.These are the ones that are "going to be there for me". The ones I should "call if you need anything, anything at all" Mind you , this is family I'm talking about and I have never asked anything of them in my life, before now. I think they were counting on that.
Well , I called. It was nothing but hesitation and excuse after excuse. I was detoxing at the time and felt like sheet and all I wanted was for 1 of them to go to the store for me and get some cat and bird food so i could feed my pets.Screw em. never again will I ask.
Anyway,
We know that we need to do this. And we know that we need to do that but when getting out of bed is a major accomplishment it's so hard to go to a meeting or see a therapist, etc, etc. We just don't do it. Especially with out some there for us to " motivate" us.
That's the only reason I say to go the Subs route. I know that some of the places I called about rehab told me I needed to be clean before they would take me. Then when I got clean, and still felt like sheet, it was 20+ days before they could get me in. Relapse. People in the hospitals that I went to didn't seem to care that I was sick as hell even on subs. Relapse.
My damn dope dealer got me down this road and my using , or used to use, friends are the ones that make the effort to come by my house or call to see how I am. I'm not turning my back on them.
Listen, and I mean this because I'm worried about you. If you need anyone to talk too or email address let me know. I'll do what ever I can. If you want < we> can get you through this.
I just don't want to overstep my boundaries, be out of line for lack of a better term.
I hope you are well Z.
