I felt compeled to share this tonight, not sure why, maybe I'm not done with it yet.
I went to my counselor today and after doing some deep digging emotionally, things got pretty intense. I've been trying to figure out why I started medicating in the first place and what I came up with today made me so angry that I literally had my very first panic attack right there in her office. I couldn't breath, my hands and finger tips were tingling and I was so light headed, I didn't know whether to throw up or lay down, so I did both.
There are reasons for our addictions, reasons for us to not react as normal people do. Some of it is in our genes and some of it is enviroment. Combination of both is deadly.
I will get to the bottom of all of this so that I can lay it to rest and move on with my life. Hope I live that long.
Cowgirl
Cowgirl, I give you credit. Walking through that stuff has been tough, I must imagine.
That is why it is hard for me to slam people; we never really know what they have been through..
People see homeless people, and remark disgust...I wonder what happened to them...
I have been holding off doing my fourth step; some of the stuff is so painful. But I have heard what happens if you don't do it.
Good luck.
Kerry
That is why it is hard for me to slam people; we never really know what they have been through..
People see homeless people, and remark disgust...I wonder what happened to them...
I have been holding off doing my fourth step; some of the stuff is so painful. But I have heard what happens if you don't do it.
Good luck.
Kerry
Hi guys,
Thanks for posting this cowgirl. Its very powerful stuff, and I'm glad that you had the courage to share your very real stuff with us. Much appreciated.
LB - Hope you well. I also find myself thinking very differently about people that others judge so easily. But I also often find myself judging where its not my place.
A friend of mine messed up big time (very long story), but she now has something very big that she needs to do, but because of how she messed up, nobody wants to help her. I have decided that I will help her if I can, because it must be sheer hell going through something like she is, alone. I have been alone because of my mistakes and I won't wish it upon her - or anyone else. Anyway, thats just my thoughts today:-)
have a good one guys, angie
Thanks for posting this cowgirl. Its very powerful stuff, and I'm glad that you had the courage to share your very real stuff with us. Much appreciated.
LB - Hope you well. I also find myself thinking very differently about people that others judge so easily. But I also often find myself judging where its not my place.
A friend of mine messed up big time (very long story), but she now has something very big that she needs to do, but because of how she messed up, nobody wants to help her. I have decided that I will help her if I can, because it must be sheer hell going through something like she is, alone. I have been alone because of my mistakes and I won't wish it upon her - or anyone else. Anyway, thats just my thoughts today:-)
have a good one guys, angie
Thanks Angie. There is something mentioned about that in the Tao of Soriety; walking without judgment..I catch myself making judgements alot also. I also believe that you really don't know what someone has been through unless you have been through it yourself.
Goodnight all..
Kerry
Goodnight all..
Kerry
I had a session kind of like that, only my outward reaction was more onbe of anger....kind of unsettled the counselor. lol Thanks for your honesty. M.
Seeing as we are on the topic of Judgement (or I think we are :-), anyway, I actually get quite defenseful when people get judgemental around me.
I often freak out at people when they say bad things about someone who is using like, "why does he do this, I hate him cos he steals everything" or whatever it is they say.
Then I get quite cross with them and I try to tell them what went through my mind when I was in their situation when I was using. I would say, you know he isn't thinking rationally and the drugs have such a grip on him that its all he can do to just get up everyday. But I get angry, because why don't they understand. But I know that they will never understand because they haven't been through it themselves, as you said Littlebeach.
Anyway, it causes quite a few arguments sometimes...
til later, bye
I often freak out at people when they say bad things about someone who is using like, "why does he do this, I hate him cos he steals everything" or whatever it is they say.
Then I get quite cross with them and I try to tell them what went through my mind when I was in their situation when I was using. I would say, you know he isn't thinking rationally and the drugs have such a grip on him that its all he can do to just get up everyday. But I get angry, because why don't they understand. But I know that they will never understand because they haven't been through it themselves, as you said Littlebeach.
Anyway, it causes quite a few arguments sometimes...
til later, bye
Just to ask because I've always wongering.Has anyone here ever been real like as a child?I was real sick as a baby(in the 60s)I was on alot of stuff they use to give years ago.Like (dont mind my sp)Phynababatal,tetrocyclin etc my mom has told me about fevers of 104 when I was under 5 so I guess I wanted to know if there is any conection between over medicating as a baby to now.Is there a craving because of something I had aas a baby???????mj
I've been wanting to bring this up, but haven't for fear of being told to take it to another site. How many of you are told you are addicts because of having been sexually molested?
I was and my counselor now lays all my mistakes on that fact. In my immediate family there are 2 of us with major drug problems plus close cousin. We were all 3 sexually molested for years, yes, by the same people, and we 3 are the ones who use drugs (as far as we know). Counselor says that is not a coincidence. I agree to a certain point, but part of me questions it where I am concerned.
Just wondering.
I really don't know but you would think that theres some kind of connection ya know....mj I'm sorry to hear that how young were you?????mj
From about 4-10 years old.
mom,
to answer your question.... well sort of... stats show that there is an overwelming number of addicts that have some form of abuse in there backround.... sexual, physical, or emotional.... abusing drugs or alcohol often stems they think in part from wanting to fill some emotional void or quiet some pschological pain often times the person may not even be aware of.... it may be in the form of an insecurity that might be created by sexual abuse or emotional abuse... the not comfortable in my skin symdrome thing...
As addicts if we abuse in our families even emotional abuse or are emotionally absent in our abuse of drugs we set our kids up for the same pattern in there adulthood.... that is why alanon and alateen is important.... education is important.... but i degress....
Genetics play a role too but that research is still developing...
I was told that because my dad was and alcoholic and I was abused.... out of the gate I was 45% more likely to be an addict or alcoholic than the norm... because I was an only child the stats went up to 65%.... it was like I was almost hard wired to be one.. that was a small consellation to me.. but still..
and before someone else says it.. that never negates my responsiblities are takes away my accountablity for my actions... never.... I never want anyone to be confused about my position on that...
dont know if that helped.... and I am sorry for your lost innocence.... that is something no one or nothing can replace...
Teresa
to answer your question.... well sort of... stats show that there is an overwelming number of addicts that have some form of abuse in there backround.... sexual, physical, or emotional.... abusing drugs or alcohol often stems they think in part from wanting to fill some emotional void or quiet some pschological pain often times the person may not even be aware of.... it may be in the form of an insecurity that might be created by sexual abuse or emotional abuse... the not comfortable in my skin symdrome thing...
As addicts if we abuse in our families even emotional abuse or are emotionally absent in our abuse of drugs we set our kids up for the same pattern in there adulthood.... that is why alanon and alateen is important.... education is important.... but i degress....
Genetics play a role too but that research is still developing...
I was told that because my dad was and alcoholic and I was abused.... out of the gate I was 45% more likely to be an addict or alcoholic than the norm... because I was an only child the stats went up to 65%.... it was like I was almost hard wired to be one.. that was a small consellation to me.. but still..
and before someone else says it.. that never negates my responsiblities are takes away my accountablity for my actions... never.... I never want anyone to be confused about my position on that...
dont know if that helped.... and I am sorry for your lost innocence.... that is something no one or nothing can replace...
Teresa
btw... cowgirl..
the work you are doing with your counselor is scary i know but it is the only way to help free you ultimately from the demons that plague you ...you will have a stronger recovery for doing this... I promise..
I am proud of you..
Teresa
the work you are doing with your counselor is scary i know but it is the only way to help free you ultimately from the demons that plague you ...you will have a stronger recovery for doing this... I promise..
I am proud of you..
Teresa
Teresa, thanks for your reply. I feel the same way about not wanting to allow myself an excuse for abusing. I never dealt with the abuse until about 3 years ago. Never told anyone. And as soon as I did all hell broke loose in my family. It opened such a flood gate of trouble, and ofcourse the abuser denied it. And everyone believed him, not me. My mother even sided with him so as not to make herself look like a bad mother. yada yada yada
My drug use did explode while all of this was going on. But as for when i started the abuse, many years ago, I can't buy that it was related. Anyway, I feel it would have been better to have never told them.
Oh, what a mess. Thanks so much for your words.
After a really rough night (this s*** is starting to bug me) I've come to the conclusion that although it's necessary to do this work and get to the bottom of it, there's nothing I could have done to deserve it. I was a child. Emotional abuse is as damaging to a kid as any other form of abuse and any abuse of a child makes me so angry that I truly wanted to kill something.
Ok, so there's a link to the drug abuse. That's a no brainer. The hard work now is trying ot figure out what to do about it. How do I change those thought process's and behaviors? I've got an amazing counsler this time around. She has gotten more out of me in 3 sessions than anyone else in all of these years.
Thanks for the support and comments...
Teresa..did you get my message?
Cowgirl
Ok, so there's a link to the drug abuse. That's a no brainer. The hard work now is trying ot figure out what to do about it. How do I change those thought process's and behaviors? I've got an amazing counsler this time around. She has gotten more out of me in 3 sessions than anyone else in all of these years.
Thanks for the support and comments...
Teresa..did you get my message?
Cowgirl
mom,
genetics are a big reason for me, not abuse. i was never abused, just forced to grow up too fast. both my parents are/were drug addicts. my dad died from a heroin OD when i was 17. my mom was a drunk most of my life. i spent my childhood raising and looking after me and my little brother. by 16 i did more than i should have. i started to use at 13 and proceeded to fall apart from there. when 16 came along, i was no longer welcomed in my moms home (she said i was grown, time to get out) i moved in with 3 guys and started to use very heavy. i dropped out of school and had my daughter at 18 ( one month after turning 18) she saved my life, i stopped all drugs and drinking. then i started to use again. i cleaned up long enough and had my son two years later. i got married to the love of my life at 20 and started using again. now here i am 23 and a freaking junkie. i now have about 2 or 3 months clean (i don't count) and swear i won't be like my parents. my kids deserve more. i won't let genetics take them, i'll do anything possible to save them from this hell. even if i need to tell them everything. i will try everything possible to make it better for them. history has a way of reapeting itself, but it stops here, with me not them.
sorry i went off there.
raerae
genetics are a big reason for me, not abuse. i was never abused, just forced to grow up too fast. both my parents are/were drug addicts. my dad died from a heroin OD when i was 17. my mom was a drunk most of my life. i spent my childhood raising and looking after me and my little brother. by 16 i did more than i should have. i started to use at 13 and proceeded to fall apart from there. when 16 came along, i was no longer welcomed in my moms home (she said i was grown, time to get out) i moved in with 3 guys and started to use very heavy. i dropped out of school and had my daughter at 18 ( one month after turning 18) she saved my life, i stopped all drugs and drinking. then i started to use again. i cleaned up long enough and had my son two years later. i got married to the love of my life at 20 and started using again. now here i am 23 and a freaking junkie. i now have about 2 or 3 months clean (i don't count) and swear i won't be like my parents. my kids deserve more. i won't let genetics take them, i'll do anything possible to save them from this hell. even if i need to tell them everything. i will try everything possible to make it better for them. history has a way of reapeting itself, but it stops here, with me not them.
sorry i went off there.
raerae
Rae..you don't think you were abused? You had to raise your brothers and sisters, you were forced to grow up which means you lost your childhood. You couldn't count on your parents to protect you because of the drug use and death.... that's emotional abuse, darlin. You were abandond as a child.
No wonder you used.
Love you
Cowgirl
No wonder you used.
Love you
Cowgirl
Thanks for your post, I had great verbal and emotional abuse growing up , dad critisised me for everything imaginable the way i talked , walked laughed you name it and I had to work with him after school and have him reem me on a daily basis in front of other people, while divorced, my mom never showed love or affection. Basically from a young age I new there must be something inherently wrong with me as a person so when I took that first quaalude at 13 the pain went away and I felt good about myself till it wore off. This is the only way myself and some other addicts handled the pain inside ourselves and never knew how to handle life through the normal socilization process. Now at 40 yrs old , I have my own buisness make good money nice house so on and so forth and I give myself no credit whatsoever on what Ive accomplished or the thousands of people Ive helped because My sick mind says its no big deal I should have been able to do it any way. But if one thing goes wrong the smallest I beat the crap out of my self, still am fearful of what "Might come up" that I wouldnt be able to handle etc. I know from where my emotional problems come from as Ive seen counselors over the years and I know for certain that Ive self medicated to relieve that feeling of being scared and feeling worthless. the hard part is letting go of that sack of bricks. Patterns as all addicts know are hard to break especially what we think about ourselves. Gongrats on your breakthrough. Ill be starting again with counseling once I start my bup treatment . I know what the problem is I just need to find out how to start loving myself and thinking differently .Thanks for the topic Ray
Rae.......Good for you for knowing you have to stop the madness in your family. I would never have guessed you are only 23........much to young to be so old, huh? The loss of a childhood is abuse, like cg said. But, none of us can let what happened then control us now and make us fail our children like we were failed. Easier said than done, I know.
To this day my mom still tells me what a jerk I am and I'm 48 years old. Or she did until i severed all ties with her in October. How dare I rock anyone's world by being honest about what my childhood was really like! And, yes, I am still trying to please everyone to get some positive recognition. Well, my rocovery is about working through all that and getting past it. Dealing with it without drugs. I hope that we all are able to do that and succeed in not damaging our children like we were damaged.
It is such a daunting task to raise a mentally healthy child. I pray I have done it with my 23 year old and will do it with my 9 year old.
Cowgirl..
How do you change all of it now.. you dont.. you have to heal from the inside out.. there is a title of a book "healing the wounded child within.." that is it in a nut shell.. but the problem is we as adults for various reasons have many ways of protecting that 'child' from feeling those things and thus this becomes counterproducive to healing her... and the cycle continues.. We, if that healing doesnt occur, continue to see at least part of our world thru her wounded and scared perspective. I will take a long time and lots of work to accomplish your goal but when the day comes and you begin to see and feel the light at the end of the long, dark, tunnel.. wow your tears will turns from loneliness and despair to joy and gratetude with the realization that you are a strong and worthy woman that has truthly walked the fire and will continue to help others to do the same because it is as rewarding a thing as any thing that one human can do for an other..
I love ya girl... Teresa
How do you change all of it now.. you dont.. you have to heal from the inside out.. there is a title of a book "healing the wounded child within.." that is it in a nut shell.. but the problem is we as adults for various reasons have many ways of protecting that 'child' from feeling those things and thus this becomes counterproducive to healing her... and the cycle continues.. We, if that healing doesnt occur, continue to see at least part of our world thru her wounded and scared perspective. I will take a long time and lots of work to accomplish your goal but when the day comes and you begin to see and feel the light at the end of the long, dark, tunnel.. wow your tears will turns from loneliness and despair to joy and gratetude with the realization that you are a strong and worthy woman that has truthly walked the fire and will continue to help others to do the same because it is as rewarding a thing as any thing that one human can do for an other..
I love ya girl... Teresa
Hi Teresa,
It's real nice to see you posting again. How are you doing?
Love,
Liz
It's real nice to see you posting again. How are you doing?
Love,
Liz
