well I was doing okay, staying away from the hard stuff when as if fate struck me in the back of my head with a baseball bat, my old dealer shows up at my job all strung out. This has happened before about 6 months ago and i proudly declined though my life was a hell hole at this point and i knew i couldn't afford an addiction. Finally things get better, here he comes again, the week before haloween, and i figure, hey why not once more, so i bought 3, did them up, and hated the s***, didn't catch that same old red dragon... two days later i find the urge scratching at the back of my head, this time I get 5...2 for one day, three for the next saying to myself no more while I am still in controll. I wait a day and deal with mild w/d, untill the next where i buy ten and then two more later. Then came the sickness now for three days along with the actual flu virus. I remember this bit the first time I got addicted, it's in it's beginning stages and it acts as a real sickness. Were I to pick up today, I would be full blown back to where I used to be hunting down 30 bags. In this week and a half I have already gotten into trouble at my full time job, and because i actually got sick from being dope sick I couldn't work my night job which is my primary source of income. Nothing good comes from using dope, stuff is the devil. So now where do I start, I had about two years clean, thats saying something, do I start fresh or hang on to those two years as inspiration?
Trooper, you HANG on......I wanted to say it was nice to see ya here....I'd ask how ya been, BUT..........I feel for ya.
Try and tell yourself it's all about the actual flu.........ain't nothing takes that away...........nothing..........so not a thing ya can do about it.
I hate seeing ya going through it, but have to thank you.......for reminding me that just ONE MORE...........becomes SIX GET WELL BAGS within two weeks.........we all need that reminding.
We'll go through it with ya.........I got some stomach thing.......BAD......all aching and it does remind ya.........but I'm glad I ain't running around all day and night looking for money and putting myself out there......two asprins and that's it..........so yeah ya got the same thing.......and ya got two years.........don't PICK UP NOW...........don't give in..........cause ya know each time ya feed it....it gets worse and ya won't have one job.........hang in there Trooper.
Try and tell yourself it's all about the actual flu.........ain't nothing takes that away...........nothing..........so not a thing ya can do about it.
I hate seeing ya going through it, but have to thank you.......for reminding me that just ONE MORE...........becomes SIX GET WELL BAGS within two weeks.........we all need that reminding.
We'll go through it with ya.........I got some stomach thing.......BAD......all aching and it does remind ya.........but I'm glad I ain't running around all day and night looking for money and putting myself out there......two asprins and that's it..........so yeah ya got the same thing.......and ya got two years.........don't PICK UP NOW...........don't give in..........cause ya know each time ya feed it....it gets worse and ya won't have one job.........hang in there Trooper.
Thanks bryn.. killing the mild w/d's with xanax and alcohol right now, need to be ready to work tomorrow night, got to pay the rent... the whole moaral of the story is you cant beat the devil at a fiddle contest, he always wins... but im f***ing stronger, and i aint gonna let that s*** get me this time, no sir.
This stuff lets you think you,re f**king stronger. Lets you think , you can beat it this time.
be careful out there,
jack
be careful out there,
jack
I did that EXACT same thing 30-40 times before I GOT it don't work that way. Everytime i told myself once a week maybe twice it would turn into 4 then 7. I could never get past 3 days without. Today i'm 2.5 years clean i still thought about hitting up the block getting a bag.
For me the choice to acually stop came with help from the methadone clinic and the fact my addiction cost me my home, car , and kids. YET i'ld still like to do dope. Recovery is nice i got it "that voice" in the back of my head, that a bag would be nice ..fact is i know it's never gonna be just one bag.
For me the choice to acually stop came with help from the methadone clinic and the fact my addiction cost me my home, car , and kids. YET i'ld still like to do dope. Recovery is nice i got it "that voice" in the back of my head, that a bag would be nice ..fact is i know it's never gonna be just one bag.
Thanks guys, feelin better today, sickness almost all but gone, and money is still where it should be. I aint falling into that trap again, no way, didn't even really like it.
Alright, where you at Trooper?
Give us a shout, K?
Give us a shout, K?
well i f***ed up again last night, but was good today, ugh. I remember being in this same exact spot years ago, and i don't even need it right now so what the hell is wrong with stupid a** me? Leaving all the moolah at home tomorrow, and keeping te future in mind while i have one. I had this weird dream last night that I was on methadone and cryng and happy to see my family.Thanks for checking in bryn.
ahh why do I lie to myself where am I going wrong? When s*** hits the fan, I want to get high, when it's a bright sunny f***ing day, I want to get high! Sick part is I don't even enjoy being high anymore, but having a few bags is like a comfort zone or something what the hell?? And right before this my life was almost exactly where I worked so hard for it to be, but it's like I got f***ing afraid and wanted to see it all flushed in the toilet or something... now I can't sleep because I'm afriad of myself. And I'd be a f***ing liar if I said I wasn't envious of every f***ing junkie I saw high every f***ing day for almost the entire time i was sober, and what kept me clean was not any sense of self worth, wanting to move ahead as a person, but the hatred of having to go out and pick up to function. But man, I don't want to be a junkie, god damn I don't want to, and i don't even like the s***, so where is this goddamn lust coming from? Am I really this self loathing and selfish? The sober part of me is heartbroken and i feel as if i betrayed myself... god I betrayed my family. God help me, and I am sick and disgusting for pitying myself.
SELF-SABATOGE, TROOP.
Pretty sure ya are starting to answer your own question......fear......of moving ahead...........soon as ya got it all back and going.........there you GO.
Let us know........keep us up to date how you're doing.......please.....cause I think you can do this..........plus all of us if I am recalling lots of posts have been a lil envious of everyone else being high...........while we fought to stay clean.........you can do this Trooper.
Pretty sure ya are starting to answer your own question......fear......of moving ahead...........soon as ya got it all back and going.........there you GO.
Let us know........keep us up to date how you're doing.......please.....cause I think you can do this..........plus all of us if I am recalling lots of posts have been a lil envious of everyone else being high...........while we fought to stay clean.........you can do this Trooper.
i was scared to quit to it was like losing a soft friend. STILL IS like that many a times i want that soft spot. I had the fear of the unknown. I had never in my adulthood not done a drug of some type. I come from a long line of addicts and drinkers. I was lost but, now i'm found. I think fear is the most common reason addicts keep uing the fear of change. It's not just the dope you have to stop you have to start a whole new life.
IT CAN BE BEAT many people here, have some lasting recovery. Don't beat yourself up into using more just because you used don't mean you have to keep on using.
IT CAN BE BEAT many people here, have some lasting recovery. Don't beat yourself up into using more just because you used don't mean you have to keep on using.
hi trooper,
I don't understand why you are trying to go this alone.
My head used to be filled with poor me and negativity too.
It was going to meetings that made me see the drug was the symptom.I was the problem.
I don't get why people don't give them a good try-if we don't change how we think -the behaviors are certainly not going to change.
I was tired of being stuck in the rut-relapse-use-relapse-use.That cycle only stopped when I took some action to change it.
I'd like to encourage you to give that a try.
Wishing you the best.
I don't understand why you are trying to go this alone.
My head used to be filled with poor me and negativity too.
It was going to meetings that made me see the drug was the symptom.I was the problem.
I don't get why people don't give them a good try-if we don't change how we think -the behaviors are certainly not going to change.
I was tired of being stuck in the rut-relapse-use-relapse-use.That cycle only stopped when I took some action to change it.
I'd like to encourage you to give that a try.
Wishing you the best.
I just read troopers words and feel much the same. My old man is at home now in the grips of wd and i've been holdin out so i can get through work, school etc... but i'm almost out of dope, hope and definitely already out of money. i know i'm going to be so sick and for me its the physical part that's the hardest. i've tried methodone before but hated the weight gain etc... so i got off and within a year, i was strung out again.
any homeopathic remedies for the physical part would be helpful
any homeopathic remedies for the physical part would be helpful
fakin it: wd's are terrible but, they don't last forever. I too hated the methadone weight gain and the methadone withdraw made H wd's look small. I was methadone sick for about 4-5 WEEKS after i quit at 30mg.Thing is there is no way to quit without some degree of discomfort. There are things that HELP but, there is nothing to make it easy and painless. HOT BATHS do help Tylenol PM and valuim "to sleep" help. The wd's are pretty bad the first 3-4 days after a week your feeling more stable. I'm a firm beliver that you can do it alone. I and others here quit without N.A/A.A. IF YOU FEEL YOU NEED THAT SUPPORT BY ALL MEANS GO GET HELP. Wish you luck stay srong.
