So Sad

Families / Partners of Addicts
1
ello, I am new here. Not sure where to start so here it goes. In the spring of 2016, my husband admitted to stealing my sister in law's prescription Oxycodone medication that she takes for severe Lupus. She had recently had an amputation. He took it while we were visiting at her home. I had no knowledge of this but had noticed that he had been nodding off recently. My brother confronted him after he reailzed that 17 oxycodone pills were missing. At first he denied it but then returned 12 of the 17 pills. At the time I was pregnant with our second child. My brother insisted that he tell me. My husband then confessed to me that he had been self medicating with Percocet and Vicodin pills that he got from "other people" and thinks he became dependent on them. I was humiliated, angry, embarrassed, scared, but stood by him and offered my love and support. My parents found out about it and they were supportive as well as my brother.
He was not honest or straightforward about how long this had been going on. He began seeing a doctor for suboxone. He was also already prescribed xanax and paxil from his primary care doctor. Since the summer of 2016 he had shown the following unusual symptoms: muscle aches, constipation, excessive sweating, among others. He would go in the bathroom for lengthy periods of time. At one point he even fell down the stairs while I was giving the children a bath. He also began receiving testosterone injections form an urologist. I read that low testosterone is very common in patients taking opioids. One night he passed out in the car while it was parked in the driveway. In April of 2017, we were arguing and under a lot of stress with an infant and a 2 year old. We had gotten in an argument the night before. The next day, my husband was cursing in front of our sons. He knows it bothers me. WHile holding our infant son, he began to curse. When I remarked about it he hurled his glass mug of coffee across the kitchen while holding our infant son. THe mug was completely smashed and shattered in view of our two children. He also called me a C*n*. That same day he was visibilly impaired at a gathering at my brothers house. My nieces, nephews, grandparents, parents, and children were all there. Everyone took notice. When we got back to my house, I alerted his mother and aunt and we had a mini intervention. Several nights later he was nodding off on the couch and acting, incoherent, illogical, very odd. He held out his arm and there was a large bruise (about 4-5 inches) with a puncture mark. I left the house with our two children and the next day had some of his relatives over to make him leave our home. I felt he and the kids were at risk. He smashed a bench on the front porch before leaving. He kept coming back to the house demanding to see the kids. At one point he got in an argument with my parents and kicked our garbage can across the room. I went to court and got an order of protection. Social services came to the house and after speaking with him about the allegations, filed neglect charges. Now he has supervised visitation and is enrolled in an outpatient program. I filed for a divorce. I also found out that his friend, our next door neighboor, was fired from her job at a pharmacy for stealing pills. I am sick over this. I searched the house and found muscle relaxers, lyrica, a small bottle of advil with 7 vicodins, and one prescription for xanax and one for paxil. Everything is such a mess. He says we are making a mistake getting a divorce. I just have had enough with the lies, betayal, unpredictable behavior. He thinks we can fix things. He still denies that he injected anything into his arm, but I will never forget what I saw. My feelings have changed. I am horrified. I don't abuse drugs. I am just trying to protect my children and myself. If I took him back I would always have to worry about a relapse. I don't trust him anymore. He has been testing clean with the court ordered drug tests so they are gradually increasing visitation. He admitted to me that he took his father's pain medications after he passed away from cancer 4 years ago. I was horrified. I know my husband suffers from pain from sports injuries from gymnastics. He also worked in construction growing up. I understand this is not easy but I almost feel as if the painkillers made the pain worse. He says he was using them medicinally but part of me feels as if he was also numbing emotional pain. I dont know what to believe anymore. I feel like such a cold hearted person for leaving him. He's done a lot for me over the years but I just think this is too much for me to handle. It's not what I signed up for when I got married. So much heartache and pain. Please advise.
2
Since you asked for advice, I will offer my two cents. The first thing to do is keep yourself and your children safe. It sounds like you are doing that. The next thing you should do is get to a Naranon or Alanon meeting, to talk to, and listen to, other folks that are, or have been, in your shoes. Some people think they shouldn't go to a meeting if they are planning to leave the user, but there is a lot of good info in the meetings, and it will help you be comfortable with your decision. The Alanon and Naranon meetings are for you, and can be powerful support systems.

Only you can decide if divorcing him is the best thing for you, but you shouldn't feel guilty for that. You shouldn't feel guilty for leaving, or for keeping you and your children safe. He may change, he may get / stay clean, but that doesn't mean you have to be there for it. You need to make the best decisions you can for yourself and your kids. Divorce is hard on families, but sometimes it is the best thing. Also, a drug addicted parent is a tragedy for kids. Getting divorced doesn't mean he will be out of the kids lives. If he stays clean, he will have contact with his kids, and can develop a positive relationship with them. You don't have to stay with him for that.

Good luck,
Sombra
3
I echo everything that Sombra posted.

I am in a different situation, as the abuser is my 17yo son. Also, I have no idea what drugs he is abusing, because he hides it so well I cannot find out.

What shocks me is how similar addictive behavior is! So sad, and shocking. And, has such an impact on the abuser and the family. No one in my family my entire life has ever spoken the c-word. My son regularly calls me this. Mouth drops to the floor every time. And, he is SO similar in the rageful, abusive behaviors you describe.

I give you credit for all you have done to keep yourself and your children safe. keep it up!! And, get lots of support as you will need lots of support.

And, I know it is tough, but make time & give yourself the freedom to block all this out and have moments of totally enjoying those babies! You deserve it and they do too!

You must leave. He is nowhere near a recovery point to be around the children.
4
Just to add-I might feel differently about leaving him if he were not abusive and so rageful. But, unfortunately, he is.

Big hugs!
5
THank you. Its nice to get some validation from people who are not inside my family/friend circle. Lots of love. xoxo
6
Hi Strong, I agree with Sombra as she gives good advice. I have to say also your doing the right thing. I know it must be hard for you ten times over having babies like you do. Thank God you have family to help you. When you read on here how long an addicts struggle goes on for at times with drugs. It's scary! Like Parenting, I'm the mother of an addict 19 yrs now and it's a sad life. The abuse and cursing seems to be a common practice. It's not an easy life they get swept up into and I'm sorry your having to go through this misery. Sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders and have taken charge of your situation already. Take care, Mary
7
That's a very difficult choice you are facing... I'm sorry you and your kids have to go through this... I'm not sure what to advice you about the divorce but I'll tell you this: your husband is the only one who can help himself. Is he ready to do it? I'm not sure he is... from what you said it seems like he needs help and might be using something else besides pain pills But this is only my assumptions. If you still love him and want to help him then you need to be brave and get him help! But you also need to protect yourself and your kids. He needs to be honest with you but especially with himself and admit that he has a problem! Get to a rehab or get cleaned on his own... which is very very difficult to do but possible! I'm the walking prove! I'm still not 100% clean but very determined to get there! Good luck and write me if you want to ask something or just to get it off your chest! People are here to help you!
8
strong--

I am so sorry that you have had to go through all this ,but it sounds like you are making the right decisions for yourself and your children.
I have a 46 y/o addicted son who has been in and out of rehabs and keeps finding his way back to a life of drugs. I have no contact with him and made that choice three months ago. I am taking a break from his insanity because he was so verbally abusive to me and called me the names you have been called ,as well as said he wished I would die! Drugs have turned my kind and good looking son into someone I no longer recognize or know.
Keep strong and protect yourself and family because it doesn't sound like he is ready to change and get free of his demons. You can't make him--only he can decide to change.
Hang in there and YES you are doing the right thing!!

((HUGS))) Lori