Well, this is my very first post. I am here, I guess, because I don't know what else to do. My son will be 18 tomorrow. He used to be the most loving, sweet, kind and considerate young man. I was so proud to call him my son. This is no longer the case.
He has been smoking pot and he has CHANGED. He curses at me, calls me a liar, left home and told everyone that I kicked him out. He is horrible to his teachers at school. He is a senior in high school and swears he is going to graduate, but his grades say otherwise. He smokes in the house even though we have told him not to. I have an 11 year old son in the room right next to his and he hears, sees, and smells EVERYTHING going on in there.
When I was young, people that smoked pot were very laid back and seemingly carefree and very relaxed. Why does it make him so angry? He says that he smokes because his father and I make him angry. Just excuses. We are not asking him to do anything crazy. Just keep your room and bathroom clean, do well in school, and put up the dishes 5 days a week. That's it. He refuses to get a job and won't do anything around the house to help out. I am at my whits end. I am afraid he is gone. I NEVER even thought he could say the horrible things he has said to me. My heart is broken and I'm worried that my other son could start using, even though he says he has no interest.
The police cannot help, since pot is now decriminalized in the State of Maryland. The crisis centers cannot help me because he will be 18 years old tomorrow.
Anybody? Please help! I feel like driving my car into a tree.
Signed -
Scared Mom in Frederick, MD
Dear Scaredmom,
I've known many people in your shoes. You are being maniulated and blackmailed.
I strongly suggest you enter a family support program. Al Anon and NAR Anon are free. They are in the telephone book, online, and usually man a hotline for people in grave need.
I suspect there are other drugs at play besides pot. Many people "poo poo" that marijuana is a gateway drug. I firmly believe it is - as do the counselors from treatment centers. There is a good book on this called "Uppers, Downers, and In-Betweeners>
You son is now an adult. I suggest you encourage him to learn responsibility and accountability. Providing a roof over his head, food, cell phone, inetnet, ett. will continue to enable him.
I also suggest you consult with a treatment center. They usually offer a family support program. Sometimes these can be a more "rich" experience over the Al Anon and NAR Anon options I mentioned earlier.
There is hope for your son - a program of recovery that works every time if you have the capacity to be honest and want it. This is your sons job. Taking care of yourself, and your side of the street, is your job.
I hope this helps,
Flyboy
I've known many people in your shoes. You are being maniulated and blackmailed.
I strongly suggest you enter a family support program. Al Anon and NAR Anon are free. They are in the telephone book, online, and usually man a hotline for people in grave need.
I suspect there are other drugs at play besides pot. Many people "poo poo" that marijuana is a gateway drug. I firmly believe it is - as do the counselors from treatment centers. There is a good book on this called "Uppers, Downers, and In-Betweeners>
You son is now an adult. I suggest you encourage him to learn responsibility and accountability. Providing a roof over his head, food, cell phone, inetnet, ett. will continue to enable him.
I also suggest you consult with a treatment center. They usually offer a family support program. Sometimes these can be a more "rich" experience over the Al Anon and NAR Anon options I mentioned earlier.
There is hope for your son - a program of recovery that works every time if you have the capacity to be honest and want it. This is your sons job. Taking care of yourself, and your side of the street, is your job.
I hope this helps,
Flyboy
Thank you, Flyboy. I was wondering if anyone was going to answer. I am so glad that you did.
My husband has thrown his hands up and says "he can do whatever he wants. I don't care anymore", but as his mother, I simply CANNOT say that.
We have taken his phone. He is NOT getting that back. We will not give him money for anything and the only time we speak is when he is yelling at us. I think he is crazy. Like seriously has lost his $h!+ We have been told that we are responsible for him until he graduates high school. I pray that we last that long.
I will look into the meetings you suggested. I appreciate your reply.
Regards -
Scared Mom
My husband has thrown his hands up and says "he can do whatever he wants. I don't care anymore", but as his mother, I simply CANNOT say that.
We have taken his phone. He is NOT getting that back. We will not give him money for anything and the only time we speak is when he is yelling at us. I think he is crazy. Like seriously has lost his $h!+ We have been told that we are responsible for him until he graduates high school. I pray that we last that long.
I will look into the meetings you suggested. I appreciate your reply.
Regards -
Scared Mom
Hello Scared Mom; I, too, just became active on this site several weeks back due to my extreme despair over my 22 yo old son. We have been involved in this roller coaster for 4 years but just kept thinking it would get better ( he kept promising and mainly was addicted to pain pills but dabbled with pot and benzos). Long story short but he is now in inpatient rehab (day 3) and is detoxing off opiates. We have an incredibly long road ahead...
I can only implore you to get help for yourself...Nar-Anon has been very helpful for both my husband and myself to better understand how to deal. I wish I had more suggestions but there are many parents in your shoes and Nar-Anon can help provide practical advice about your current situation, but most importantly help u understand how the 12 Steps can lead you towards some sense of peace and hope. I will continue to pray for all addicts and their loved ones so that they may find serenity.
There are also a lot of Nar-Anon chat rooms that can help. You are powerless over his addiction, but you are not powerless over your behaviors and approaches to dealing with this. Arm yourself with the tools as soon as possible instead of waiting 4 years like I did!
I can only implore you to get help for yourself...Nar-Anon has been very helpful for both my husband and myself to better understand how to deal. I wish I had more suggestions but there are many parents in your shoes and Nar-Anon can help provide practical advice about your current situation, but most importantly help u understand how the 12 Steps can lead you towards some sense of peace and hope. I will continue to pray for all addicts and their loved ones so that they may find serenity.
There are also a lot of Nar-Anon chat rooms that can help. You are powerless over his addiction, but you are not powerless over your behaviors and approaches to dealing with this. Arm yourself with the tools as soon as possible instead of waiting 4 years like I did!
Nar anon is a great first step. You will be educated very quickly. You're destined for the addicts rollercoaster. Protect your 11 year old son. Live your life. Reality check. He's 18. Legal adult? Show him the door. Sounds harsh. I know. Sorry. Your enabling him. Detachment is necessary. If not, You will drive yourself insane.I'm Sure many will agree because they live it daily. Again i apologize for sounding harsh.
Dear Scared Mom,
I was in your shoes and discovered I was enabling my son, unknowingly. Allowing him to experience his own consequences regarding drug abuse went against everything I had been doing as a mother instinctually. I was in charge of health and safety! I was supposed to take care of him, comfort and be a listening ear. Then my son became addicted and morphed into someone I didn't recognize. I was afraid if I kicked him out, he would be homeless. If I told him to leave - he wouldn't be able to care for himself, wouldn't be able to find a job. Through Al Anon I found out I had been helping to make a bad situation worse. I took contrary action with the support of other parents.
I found a sober recovery community for my son to live in. He went to New Life House in California and we have never looked back. My son is sober 9 years, he graduated from college and has a job....and he's kind, considerate and has purpose. NLH has been around for 30 years which was important to me because nowadays there's a new place popping up on every corner. Check them out, they have a blog too where other parents share their experiences. I can't thank them enough.
I was in your shoes and discovered I was enabling my son, unknowingly. Allowing him to experience his own consequences regarding drug abuse went against everything I had been doing as a mother instinctually. I was in charge of health and safety! I was supposed to take care of him, comfort and be a listening ear. Then my son became addicted and morphed into someone I didn't recognize. I was afraid if I kicked him out, he would be homeless. If I told him to leave - he wouldn't be able to care for himself, wouldn't be able to find a job. Through Al Anon I found out I had been helping to make a bad situation worse. I took contrary action with the support of other parents.
I found a sober recovery community for my son to live in. He went to New Life House in California and we have never looked back. My son is sober 9 years, he graduated from college and has a job....and he's kind, considerate and has purpose. NLH has been around for 30 years which was important to me because nowadays there's a new place popping up on every corner. Check them out, they have a blog too where other parents share their experiences. I can't thank them enough.
I too suspect other drugs are involved. My son has been like that as well. His room is a disaster, he doesnt do anything and if i bring anything up about that or drug use, he goes off the wall. He was using Heroine, not just pot. And also a mutitude of other drugs, pills, patches, coke, ect. He is in rehab as i type this. I am hopeful he will see what he needs to do to fix his life. He is 25. And bipolar. Its been some rough years so far. I know our struggle is not over. I was enabling him so he couldnt hit low and realize he needs to take charge of himself. I have to stay strong. I love him and its the best thing i can do for him. Stand strong and protect your 11 year old. Keep him on a good positive path.
Dear Scared Mom, I just recently joined this site, hoping it will help me relieve the stress I am having due to my son. Just like you, my son had been considerate, loving, responsible, etc. But since he was diagnosed with lupus, and at the point he started to get better (as his brain was affected), he resorted to weeds (on top of his regular medicines that he stopped taking because he said he is already going to be 18 and he can do whatever he want). His behaviour totally changed and he called me names that no one can ever imagine. It seems his brain doesn't work well anymore, he lied, scream, etc. He doesn't listen anymore.
Me and my husband seems helpless because he does not cooperate. But there is still hope for us. We should do everything we can to intervene. We just throw away everything we see that has something to do with weeds, and since he is living with us, he should know the rules.
Be strong and let's keep doing what we need to do. And let's keep praying that our kids will be back to their senses. Maybe time will come they will realize the harm they are putting in their own bodies
Me and my husband seems helpless because he does not cooperate. But there is still hope for us. We should do everything we can to intervene. We just throw away everything we see that has something to do with weeds, and since he is living with us, he should know the rules.
Be strong and let's keep doing what we need to do. And let's keep praying that our kids will be back to their senses. Maybe time will come they will realize the harm they are putting in their own bodies
