I feel so distracted with educating myself and staying sober that I have basically lost my desire to be touched and held. I dont know why, but it may be because when I was drinking I had no inhibitions and was very active, even years before meeting my husband. I feel that I may have some hidden humility issues there and it is showing up now that I am sober. I was abused sexually in the past and I self medicated myself to forget.
This is my own diagnosis....maybe this is common among others....let me know.
Thanks.
K
K-
It is very normal for us to lose our sex drive in early recovery. You are exactly right. There is so much going on with us during this time ,sex is sometimes the last thing on our minds.
I was very uninhibited when I was drinking as well; for me the alcohol made me (or so I thought) feel more comfortable with men and with my body.
Now that I've got 18 months of sobriety I feel comfortable with my body and am comfortable with myself sexually.It will get easier-I promise.
You are right where you ought to be.
God Bless,
Carolyn
It is very normal for us to lose our sex drive in early recovery. You are exactly right. There is so much going on with us during this time ,sex is sometimes the last thing on our minds.
I was very uninhibited when I was drinking as well; for me the alcohol made me (or so I thought) feel more comfortable with men and with my body.
Now that I've got 18 months of sobriety I feel comfortable with my body and am comfortable with myself sexually.It will get easier-I promise.
You are right where you ought to be.
God Bless,
Carolyn
It's interesting, but for me, I was able to finally show affection and give hugs...I'm not talking about sex though. I actually starting dating a guy on the Program (who is much younger than me) when I was about 4 months sober and we will be together for two years next month. I kinda picked up on him, and actually thought it would be a one night stand. I'd been married for 18 years and with my ex-husband for a total of 20 years ~ we had slept in separate bedrooms for over ten years (he is an addict/alcoholic also)...now looking back on my behavior back then, well I would not do that again...however, my BF is a great companion and allows me the space I need...he knows the Program, my Family and My Career all come before him.
Actually being sober has heightened my sex drive, but I don't have a man, so. lol. Damnit! :-)
On the other hand, there are some things I did when I was plastered that I probably wouldn't do now. There were a few times I "hooked up" with strangers....usually at a bar, and brought them home, went to their place, or messed around in the car in the parking lot. They could of been psychos, who knows. Not that I have anything against hooking up with a one-night stands, but whenever you are so plastered that you don't remember his name or what he looks like, then you obviously took a serious risk and didn't think about the possible consequences.
In other words booze lowered my inhibitions and made me feel more confident and attractive.
On the other hand, there are some things I did when I was plastered that I probably wouldn't do now. There were a few times I "hooked up" with strangers....usually at a bar, and brought them home, went to their place, or messed around in the car in the parking lot. They could of been psychos, who knows. Not that I have anything against hooking up with a one-night stands, but whenever you are so plastered that you don't remember his name or what he looks like, then you obviously took a serious risk and didn't think about the possible consequences.
In other words booze lowered my inhibitions and made me feel more confident and attractive.
This is a good thread (VW ,I am dating someone 11 years younger than me , he's sober but not in the program).
He gave me my space in the beginning as well. I was afraid I would be bad at it once I had gotten sober.
I actually found that by not jumping on him immediately(like I had always done with guys) we were able to get close without going too far too soon.
Now I have found that sex is soooo much better sober!! I am much more in tune with my body and since I am much more comfortable with me as a person, that carries through as well.
When I was drinking I was always afraid they were going to leave me (the quality of man I was dating during my drinking years, Oh my!!) so I would sleep with them quickly b/c isn't that what they wanted? I was always too insecure to consider what I wanted. I was lonely and just wanted someone to love me. I confused sex with love for a long time.
That's the great thing about the program. When I did my 4th step I got all those sex issues out on paper and could see for the first time what I was doing to myself, and then proceeded to change how I dealt with men.
And it worked ,I found a wonderful guy who is really good to me. Its the relationship i always wanted when I was using, but didn't think I deserved to have.
Love and Respect-
Carolyn
He gave me my space in the beginning as well. I was afraid I would be bad at it once I had gotten sober.
I actually found that by not jumping on him immediately(like I had always done with guys) we were able to get close without going too far too soon.
Now I have found that sex is soooo much better sober!! I am much more in tune with my body and since I am much more comfortable with me as a person, that carries through as well.
When I was drinking I was always afraid they were going to leave me (the quality of man I was dating during my drinking years, Oh my!!) so I would sleep with them quickly b/c isn't that what they wanted? I was always too insecure to consider what I wanted. I was lonely and just wanted someone to love me. I confused sex with love for a long time.
That's the great thing about the program. When I did my 4th step I got all those sex issues out on paper and could see for the first time what I was doing to myself, and then proceeded to change how I dealt with men.
And it worked ,I found a wonderful guy who is really good to me. Its the relationship i always wanted when I was using, but didn't think I deserved to have.
Love and Respect-
Carolyn
VW Girl,
Seperate rooms for 10 yrs?!
Dang, that would be enough right there to drive someone to drink alright.
Cailyn
Seperate rooms for 10 yrs?!
Dang, that would be enough right there to drive someone to drink alright.
Cailyn
Avondale GIrl, you are very lucky! Hopefully I can find that someday.
When I was drinking, I didn't care about sex much, and would have it with anybody.
Now that i'm sober, I desire sex more and enjoy making sweet love all night to my companion. I can go all night and don't have to worry about throwing up in the morning, I can simply roll over and do it again.
Life is good.........
Now that i'm sober, I desire sex more and enjoy making sweet love all night to my companion. I can go all night and don't have to worry about throwing up in the morning, I can simply roll over and do it again.
Life is good.........
When I was using and drinking I was in love with coke and alcohol ~ I held on to my career, but my marriage forget it...I walked out on him after 20 years and it was the best decision I made, we both got sober and are now leading happy lives...were not together but we are much happier! I found a guy who is 13 years younger and treats me great; intimacy is something that I can embrace now, before when I was out there, no way...
message deleted by moderators
Go be offensive somewhere else.
We will not give you the reaction you are obviously looking for.
We will not give you the reaction you are obviously looking for.
I do know one thing, and I hope I am not being out of line here.....It's MUCH easier to orgasm when you are sober. Being plastered while having sex may lower your inhibitions but it also numbs your senses.
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Dragster Girl-
I'm glad we ladies can have this conversation, it is good for us.
Its a shame really, women need a forum to discuss this , then we have someone s*** all over it.
I agree with you about the big "O"- I really never knew what the big deal was until I got sober.
Respect-
Carolyn
I'm glad we ladies can have this conversation, it is good for us.
Its a shame really, women need a forum to discuss this , then we have someone s*** all over it.
I agree with you about the big "O"- I really never knew what the big deal was until I got sober.
Respect-
Carolyn
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I havent been able to have sex without being drunk for years, its probably got something to do with being punched in the head that many times by my x that I had to get plastered to be able to do the deed.
Ive been split up from him now for 2 years ( took me about 8 years to leave him)
Ive now met a really cute guy who is not a drinker and we really get on, although he doesnt live near enough me to see much, which is a good thing as I am in recovery and am too emotionaly vunerable to have a relationship, we keep in touch by texting each other lots.
In a couple of weeks I am going to stay at his place for the weekend and I am really looking forward to having sex with him but also apprehensive about doing it without being drunk, I am just not used to being in that situation sober.
I just hope Ive got it in me to be sexy without having a drink inside me, its been such a long time though I just dont know if my nerves will get the better of me.
Ive been split up from him now for 2 years ( took me about 8 years to leave him)
Ive now met a really cute guy who is not a drinker and we really get on, although he doesnt live near enough me to see much, which is a good thing as I am in recovery and am too emotionaly vunerable to have a relationship, we keep in touch by texting each other lots.
In a couple of weeks I am going to stay at his place for the weekend and I am really looking forward to having sex with him but also apprehensive about doing it without being drunk, I am just not used to being in that situation sober.
I just hope Ive got it in me to be sexy without having a drink inside me, its been such a long time though I just dont know if my nerves will get the better of me.
Hi Frosty fairy,
Im a male and when I was drinker sex was so easy, or i was so easy, I have been sober for 13 1/2 mths now and my desire to pick up in a pub/club has completely gone, my drinking mates dont understand me now days, but hey Im the one with sober eyes and moral standards now!
You will be fine with your b/f on the weekend!
And VW girl 10 yrs!!!! crikey,,,,,,,, silly hubby!!!
I am also in a relationship now and since my being sober I am finding it hard to get along with my wife, I am re assesing it all at the moment, has anyone else had a long term relationship then gone sober and found it hard to deal with the partner???Or is it just me?
My wife dont drink, and has been a great support....but i feel i ts not there now,
Any advice apreciated. thanks
Im a male and when I was drinker sex was so easy, or i was so easy, I have been sober for 13 1/2 mths now and my desire to pick up in a pub/club has completely gone, my drinking mates dont understand me now days, but hey Im the one with sober eyes and moral standards now!
You will be fine with your b/f on the weekend!
And VW girl 10 yrs!!!! crikey,,,,,,,, silly hubby!!!
I am also in a relationship now and since my being sober I am finding it hard to get along with my wife, I am re assesing it all at the moment, has anyone else had a long term relationship then gone sober and found it hard to deal with the partner???Or is it just me?
My wife dont drink, and has been a great support....but i feel i ts not there now,
Any advice apreciated. thanks
maybe now that your completely conscious you realise shes not the right person for you, when were drunk we tend to put up with things we are not entirely happy with, I dont know just a suggestion. Does she stimulate you mentally ?
Since my original post, I have came to the conclusion, and after speaking with my sponsor, that if you marry someone when you are an active drinker and they are not, it can most often happen that you find out that you never had anything in common with that person in the first place. There was some need in the relationship.....either co-dependancy, lack of self esteem, or some issue that kindled the relationship....but after becoming sober, the desire is gone. It is a shame, but it is best to be honest with your partner and not waste each others lives by just being together for the sake of your original vows...which were diluted by alcholic thinking on one persons part, thus confusing the other person now that you are sober.
thanks
thanks
Ginge, First of all what the heck does "crikey" mean - lol...I'm going to start using it here in SoCal...love it. No, he wasn't a silly man (he was mean, annoying, but was too) my husband, we were both active alcoholics and addicts during the entire life our marriage (if that's what you could call it)...honestly, I probably kicked him out of the bedroom in 1988, I showed no affection, no love...I was in a black out on our wedding night. I despised him...thought I was doing the right thing by the kids, I also needed a babysitter and he was good at watching the kids...he was also good at picking up the booze from the liquor store, I could've cared less if he got arrested for a DUI, in fact at times I prayed he would ~ just so he'd be away from me. He also made a great drug runner and he did watch my back when I got "way" out there. I worked at a Corporation made the $$, he worked odd jobs and was a stay at home Dad pretty much. Funny thing though, he got remarried immediately and I, well I've been dating the same guy for two years but am taking it super slow...
You're right I am better today; this week; got your card - thanks so much it brightened my evening.
You're right I am better today; this week; got your card - thanks so much it brightened my evening.
