Soccermom

hey gina,, glad your back. now i have to ask. did you go and sneak a nap on me? remember you have to hold my hand till i fall asleep.
You're doing so well. Still having trouble sleeping after not sleeping last night? Did you say you were taking tylenol PM? My therapist recommended straight benadryl and then ibuprofen. It seems to potentiate the benadryl more than tylenol does -- don't ask me why.

potentiate? yeah and i have to admit i just took more than i should have to try and get to sleep tonight. its 11 33 pm here and i need sleep but its not coming. luckily i dont have to be at work until one pm tommorow so if i do get to sleep ill be able to sleep in. im not allowed to take ibuprofen because of the surgery on my stomach i had a few years ago. but then again i wasnt supposed to be allowed to take twenty vicodins aday either. but hey, you got to draw the line somewhere. i guess thats the reasoning ability of a drug addled brain.
Yeah, potentiate. LMAO, you'll just have to get used to the way I write. English isn't my mother tongue.

I'm sorry, I have no advice about insomnia -- it is the thing that still troubles me the most. But hey, look, in twenty minutes we can celebrate day 9 for you. That's quite an achiev...oops, I'll wait until the bell tolls. It'll toll for thee, but not for me. It's only getting on to four in the afternoon here.
MY GOAL FOR TOMMOROW: TO USE POTENTIATE IN A FULL SENTENCE

you know im kidding, dont apologize i love the way you write, especially the toll for thee but not for me. you could be a poet. good point though, fifteen minutes and day eight is history and day nine is upon me. and when sleep does come it may be day ten before i know it. no seriously thank you for being there its such a pleasure to talk with you and all the others, we really are like our own little dysfunctional family here, and were truly spread all around the world, yet just a few mousclicks and keystrokes away from each other. im feeling like once i get some sleep wich im sure will be t onight, and get some excercise ill be ready to move on to the next stage of recovery, no matter how personally terrofying that will be. I know i have a lot of baggage to deal with but with the grace of god and my new sister and extended family around the world ill deal with it one day at a time.
The psychological causes of our addictions...that's the big hurdle. I know what mine are. What are yours? (But don't answer if that's too personal or too much to handle at this stage of your recovery.)

BTW, I saw you popped into the Higher Power thread. I gotta say, I am still pretty weirded out by that one.

CAT scan, do you think?
HEY BRO. It's midnight. Congratulations on Day 9!!!!
i dont know that its too personal too discuss i just think i really havent gotten to the bottom of it myself. ive had this need to medicate and numb my self for so long i just excepted it as who i am. i know i need to better respect myself and love myself, i also have a lot of pent up emotions that just seem misdirected for whatever reason. i have seen a shrink and have been to aa meetings, but those are things i need to do alot more of in the future, you know walking those steps. i have a lot of things i regret in my life and always seem to be very hard on my self. i need to focus on and appreciate the smaller things in life on a day to day basis and not become so overwhelmed by always obsessing on the big picture, always thinking i need to out work out think and plain ole out do the guy next to me. there was a time not too long ago that i would refer to my vicodins and cocaine before that as my performance enhancers they were in my mind much like a steroid is to a professional athlete. they were always the way to put in more hours block out all outside stresses and be able to give my self to accomplishing the professional goals i had. though it is only recently that i have realized they are the things truly separating me from accomplishing those things, as well as mayby keeping alive the false beliefs that those things are what i really want out of life.

i dont know about the catscan, mayby that or a call ghostbusters. but who knows a sign is a sign who are we to question them,, like you said suspend belief and just breathe.. its amazing how many times the last couple days ive told my self to just relax and breathe since i seen you say that a couple times. I t really does make perfect since.
I know what you mean. I took percocet for seven years and I called them mother's little helpers. For the first while, they did make me into SuperMom. Then it all went to hell. Denial is a wonderful thing, though. I'm coming to accept that I'm not perfect and there's no reason I should be. I'm just a human being.

People are going to get sick of me asking this question, and I'll warn you now that my shrink is a Freudian psychoanalyst. But...what were your parents like? Did they help you with self-esteem, self-acceptance?

Breathing. Simply breathing and counting while I breathe is the way I fall asleep these days. The counting stops the "committee job-evaluation meetings" in my head. Well, breathing and a dose of Benadryl. I used to think that counting sheep was a ridiculous idea -- but I had my drugs then, lol.
Well now your getting to it. my family was very good to me growing up, but my father was and is a serious alcoholic. but he is what they call a functionable alcholic, never let it interfere with his job. and his job always came first, he always provided for us. looking back at that now it is so similiar to the way ive been living, i just took things in to a much deeper extreme, with drugs. my mother was is and always be supportive. i could really go deeply into this but its probably not the right place. i was never physically abused like some and cant really complain about my life then, but there are definitly issues from those days that contribute to my life now,
well its been great today, but im going to try and sleep now, i think i can do it. i so appreciate all your kindness and inspiration today, im sure ill talk to you again real soon.



GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY.
duane (lone wolf)
Well, we don't need to get into it in a public forum (lmao, though I've been bleeding all over this site. Anonymity is so conducive to uabashed truth-telling). But I will say that when I'm beating myself up, my therapist always says to me that we repeat what has been done to us. A lot of self-forgiveness is achieved that way. He also says that with understanding comes the ability to change.

None of us ever thinks we've been abused. It's childhood. Mostly we think that's just "normal". It sounds like you've got a handle on your past and a good supportive mother. I wish I did, but I'm not complaining. I've adopted several spiritual mothers who've taught me a bunch.

Sleepy yet? Pat yourself on the back. Day 9, my brother. Good on ya, mate.

Duane, it's nice to meet you. It took me a while to tell people my name, too.

Good night.