Once again I am looking for your advice and once again I hope you dont mind that I have landed myself on your board.
My ex boyfriend stopped drinking after I left him about 4 months ago (we had lived together for just over a year). I started to meet him about once a week about 2 months into his sobriety and things were great with him. He was giving it his all. About one month ago he started having drinks here and there and by the sounds of things he is going to give controlled drinking another go. I have learnt how to live and let live and have backed off even though I love him with every inch of me. But now I feel I am leaving him all over again even though I know I had set out my boundaries from the beginning..I didnt think me backing off needed an explanation. He knew I wasnt going to set myself up for the hurt again if he started to drink again.
I met him today for lunch (we needed to exchange some things) and he explains that he feels used and that now I just back off when it suits me. I explained that I had backed off just as I said I would. I cant imagine how hard this is for him. But god it hurts so bad for me too. So he said nothing, and when I asked him to say something he just said these are all my decisions so what can he say? Then I said (and I know this was wrong) I said it was all his decision. If it were me dealing with the situationwe would be together. (I know codependent alarm bells!! )
He left and now I feel so awful. I know how hurt he is and I know I should have let things be and should not have started meeting him again so early into his recovery and I feel so bad about this. But I dont want to be the badie again. Leaving again. That is why I said that it was his decision. But I know he cant choose between alcohol and me. That it is his relationship with alcohol that needs to be sorted out.
I dont want to leave this on such a bad note. I would like him to understand that we both are powerless over this, and there is no one making the decisions.
Can anyone speak from his perspective and let me know if there is anything I can do to make things less aggravated? I wish the best for him. Please any thoughts would be so very welcome.
To me it sounds like the best thing you could do is let him go, honey. If you broke up with him because of his previous drinking, you will just be going thru the same thing again if he is alcoholic. An alcoholic may be able to control their drinking for a while but not for long. But some people are just heavy drinkers and when alcohol starts messing up their lives they are able to put it down. I don't know which he is, of course. Only he does. If he IS alcoholic and his drinking gets out of control again, I suggest you give him a year to get solid in his recovery before starting up the relationship again. Give him time to learn about being sober. When we are in relationships the focus goes to our partners first instead of recovery. Then if there is a breakup or discord in a relationship we tend to run back to booze because it is what we know best. We think it will make us feel better but it just makes things worse. Does he go to AA?
Hiya, thanks for your reply, No he doesn't go to AA or a part of any program. He read that book by allen carr and was trying to give up using these techniques. He was doing really well for a while. He was going to the gym, concentrating on his other hobbies, learning to socialise without a drink in hand. He was doing so well for about 3 months and then things began to get a little tough. His moods started to swing and I could see it coming. And it was when he started talking about not even wanting to go drinking heavily to the pub but just a glass of wine every now and then I understood that it was the beginning of something. and it was.
I just hope he will understand that I don't have a choice. but I wish it hadn't finished so badly today. I know I can't change his mind. But if there was something I could say to make him less hurt I would.
I just hope he will understand that I don't have a choice. but I wish it hadn't finished so badly today. I know I can't change his mind. But if there was something I could say to make him less hurt I would.
LauraX - I was with the same girl for 2 years, living together most of it. I was a drop dead alcoholic nearly the entire time. I tried to hide it almost always. I know that she knew though. I still have feelings for her and I know that the great thing that we had together was halted because of my drinking. She wants to have nothing to do with me now. I tried talking to her just as friends and she said that she can't even have that. I have been sober over 3 months but she cannot forgive me for the past. She wanted to marry me and have kids and everything, but she couldn't stay with an alcoholic. Her husband wasn't going to be a drinker, he wasn't going to be in constant trouble with the law. She thinks that she wasn't good enough for me to stop, or wasn't pretty enough or skinny enough... I have explained to her that it wasn't her, I had to do it for myself. That if I had quit just for her, I would have never stayed sober. NOw it is different. Yes, when she actually left and moved to Florida (I am in MI) I drank ALL THE TIME. I had other girls in the meantime, but they were ok with the drinking side of me. I was still not happy.
I don't know if I am helping at all, I am pretty much just telling the story. I know that when he is ready to quit, he will, for him. He can't do it for you or for the relationship because anytime things go wrong, he will turn to the bottle for help. He needs to see for himself that he can handle life without alochol. It can be done.
I had to go to treatment to quit drinking. I go to at least 3 AA meetings a week and have learned to enjoy my life without alcohol. I can do all of the things that I love to do again, only without the booze. It is possible. He should get to some meetings, it will help. In one way or another. I hope I have helped in some way.
Lovin'life
I don't know if I am helping at all, I am pretty much just telling the story. I know that when he is ready to quit, he will, for him. He can't do it for you or for the relationship because anytime things go wrong, he will turn to the bottle for help. He needs to see for himself that he can handle life without alochol. It can be done.
I had to go to treatment to quit drinking. I go to at least 3 AA meetings a week and have learned to enjoy my life without alcohol. I can do all of the things that I love to do again, only without the booze. It is possible. He should get to some meetings, it will help. In one way or another. I hope I have helped in some way.
Lovin'life
Hey Laurax to guote an old walky who lived on the streets near my flat in London years ago "honesty is the best policy" . Your x needs to go to AA or at least stop drinking cause at the moment he's just building like a volcanoe ready to blow. Get on with your recovery don't worry about his go to ALANON and share about your hopes and fears you will get some good advice because it is not just the drinker that suffers.
Light and love Zac
Light and love Zac
Thanks everyone. It is so great to hear your replies. Lovin' life It is really good to hear about your story as it sounds like ours. I have chosen to move on. I don't think I have closed the door completely yet. I have this flickering hope that maybe in a year or 2 he will be well into his recovery... but part of me just wants to let go completely but I don't think its possible right now. I won't see him or speak to him but I will still have hope in my heart I think.
I would have married him and had all his babies (!) if I hadn't realised this big problem. We had fallen so in love. I am glad now obviously that I didn't. I went out with him only for 2 years but I feel like I know him forever. Its very sad. I will let go and look after me now.
BEst of luck in all your sobrieties!! (smile) I really saw the pain that he had gone through, while he was "controlling" his drinking before he had admitted that there was a problem. And now .. more pain.. i know its not easy best of luck to all of you
I would have married him and had all his babies (!) if I hadn't realised this big problem. We had fallen so in love. I am glad now obviously that I didn't. I went out with him only for 2 years but I feel like I know him forever. Its very sad. I will let go and look after me now.
BEst of luck in all your sobrieties!! (smile) I really saw the pain that he had gone through, while he was "controlling" his drinking before he had admitted that there was a problem. And now .. more pain.. i know its not easy best of luck to all of you
LauraX - I wish mine had that "flickering hope" that you speak of. Maybe she does, but she knows that she can't tell me that. Because if she did, I would automatically put everything off for her. I might do that and she is still going to live her life, so I have to live mine. It would be a great story, but it is far-fetched. The amends that I have to make to her, her parents, family, and friends are huge. I also believe that her friends and parents want to see her with anyone but me. I guess you never know though. I hope all is well with you.
LL
LL
Hi Lovin life, what you said was really important for me I think. That you would put things on hold for her if you knew that she was waiting for you.. or that she might go back to you. I guess you mean putting your own life including your recovery on hold. I know what I have to do now is shut down completely to him. I am ready to do it anyway. Even when I said goodbye to him the last time I gripped his arm and searched his eyes, it was almost involuntary.But even this gesture told him that I still have hope.
I have to spell it out that there is no more me and him. I had been given this advice by my sister when I left him first. And I didn't understand why so I didn't take it. It was too hard. But now its time. And you know what? I don't think I have too much hope for us anymore. If he hadn't seemed so dedicated to recovery I would have lost hope long ago. But now it has fallen to the wayside and I am not hanging around hoping that the next bout of dedication to recovery lasts longer. Love is something so amazing. And I am so grateful that I had the chance to really really experience it and everythign that comes with it. But I know its time to give it up... and I don't regret a single day.. even with all the pain.
106 days sounds so fantastic. I am so happy for you. I am getting used to being by myself. I know I can't meet anyone until I get over him. I am travelling by myself at the moment.. and getting used to my own company and I don't think I had ever gotten used to it before. Its nice, although, moments of loneliness fall upon me every now and then, but I know it will pass.
Best of luck to you.
I have to spell it out that there is no more me and him. I had been given this advice by my sister when I left him first. And I didn't understand why so I didn't take it. It was too hard. But now its time. And you know what? I don't think I have too much hope for us anymore. If he hadn't seemed so dedicated to recovery I would have lost hope long ago. But now it has fallen to the wayside and I am not hanging around hoping that the next bout of dedication to recovery lasts longer. Love is something so amazing. And I am so grateful that I had the chance to really really experience it and everythign that comes with it. But I know its time to give it up... and I don't regret a single day.. even with all the pain.
106 days sounds so fantastic. I am so happy for you. I am getting used to being by myself. I know I can't meet anyone until I get over him. I am travelling by myself at the moment.. and getting used to my own company and I don't think I had ever gotten used to it before. Its nice, although, moments of loneliness fall upon me every now and then, but I know it will pass.
Best of luck to you.
Laura,
I wanted to let you know that I am proud of you for your decision and I hope that everything works out well for you. I am overcoming the loneliness myslef right now. But it is not for the long time ex, it is a more recent one. I had a gf right when I got out of treatment and we split up. I miss her deeply from time to time, especially the last couple of days. I think that I want to try again and would do whatever to get that chance, but on the other hand I am afraid because I feel like she will just leave me out to dry again. As much as I want to see things work between us, I think that I would be living in constant fear of her just deciding that she is leaving again. AHHHHH! I am on day 109 now. It is a good feeling. Getting closer to four months. Can't wait for the sixth one. Hope to hear back from you.
LL
I wanted to let you know that I am proud of you for your decision and I hope that everything works out well for you. I am overcoming the loneliness myslef right now. But it is not for the long time ex, it is a more recent one. I had a gf right when I got out of treatment and we split up. I miss her deeply from time to time, especially the last couple of days. I think that I want to try again and would do whatever to get that chance, but on the other hand I am afraid because I feel like she will just leave me out to dry again. As much as I want to see things work between us, I think that I would be living in constant fear of her just deciding that she is leaving again. AHHHHH! I am on day 109 now. It is a good feeling. Getting closer to four months. Can't wait for the sixth one. Hope to hear back from you.
LL
Hi LL, I guess all of this stuff is part of the difficulties of recovery.. I mean I am not sure if you have read so much stuff on codependence but copendendence is like this kind of worry and depending on someone else's life choices to live your own life.re:when you said you were worried that she would leave you again if you went back with her.
I understand this kind of anxiety. But the last few days for you, I think, is all part of the same thing, life & recovery. I am not sure why your last girlfriend left you but I remember you said in one of your posts that you didn't feel you were ready for a relationship.
When I felt this kind of anxiety I used to get myself so busy. Planning things I couldn't get out of and getting outdoors even if I felt like staying in. If you would like to mail me my address is patagonia0607@yahoo.co.uk.
I hope you can bring the focus back to you and away from this relationship.. but if there is anyone who understands how difficult this is.. its me!
I understand this kind of anxiety. But the last few days for you, I think, is all part of the same thing, life & recovery. I am not sure why your last girlfriend left you but I remember you said in one of your posts that you didn't feel you were ready for a relationship.
When I felt this kind of anxiety I used to get myself so busy. Planning things I couldn't get out of and getting outdoors even if I felt like staying in. If you would like to mail me my address is patagonia0607@yahoo.co.uk.
I hope you can bring the focus back to you and away from this relationship.. but if there is anyone who understands how difficult this is.. its me!
