Saw this (Just tweaked it a bit) & thought Id share......
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Some things I didn't know but have learned because my daughter was/is an addict:
#1 Anger is really sadness and hurt expressed in the worst way.
#2 Our addicts will ALWAYS crave a high and will struggle to feel good in their own skin without it. That is the reason why so many relapses happen and why drugs have such a grip on them.
#3 When your child is ready, they will do the work and not a second before that. No amount of words, or tears or worry or work or control can change that.
#4 The hardest thing to do as a parent will be to let them suffer the consequences of their decisions. When you do that they will literally amp up the behaviors that hurt you the most to manipulate you into stopping their pain. There is really no length that they will not go to blame someone outside themselves.
#5 The person you raised is still in there. It's almost a split personality thing. The addiction is one personality; the child you raised is the other. There is always hope they will find their way back.
#6 Destroying yourself with worry, shame and/or stress only makes everything worse.
#7 While in treatment (or jail, for that matter) your child's addiction is waiting, getting stronger, ready to unleash the day they get out. Treatment is a controlled bubble, the real work begins when they leave and have to learn how to live in a healthy way. And where they have access to drugs.
#8 Finding a sponsor they like and a recovery group of their peers is HUGE. They need to find a place where they belong and feel like they fit in.
#9 Learning to trust them after treatment is HARD, but necessary.
#10 There is no lost cause. Miracles can happen every day. Things that seem impossible can become possible.
Sending love & hugs to all,
Lynn
Jill, thank you for posting this. It took me awhile to respond because there is so much wisdom here, it's kind of difficult to sort out my thoughts. Everything you posted was important, but I'm going to respond to #s 4, 8, and 10 because they really spoke to me in the place I am today.
#4 The hardest thing to do as a parent will be to let them suffer the consequences of their decisions. When you do that they will literally amp up the behaviors that hurt you the most to manipulate you into stopping their pain. There is really no length that they will not go to blame someone outside themselves.
I have a few thoughts on this...
This is one for all parents to be aware of because it's so hard to detach with love and when our addicted child is suffering, it feels unnatural not to help. When my son's addiction became crystal clear to me, I tried to save him for 8 months until it became unbearable (my son's downward spiral was extremely fast and frightening). I got him on a plane to live with his grandparents in another state, hoping he would get off the drugs and alcohol, get a job, and return home healthy and happy. That didn't happen. He lasted three weeks there and I wouldn't allow him back home. He proceeded to be kicked out of 4 other places in 6 months until he finally ended up in jail and would have become homeless had he not chosen rehab. It was hard, but I chose not to bail him out or even visit him in jail. Had I done so, I believe he would be actively using now. Could my son relapse? Yes. But today he is 90 days sober and I can breathe.
A drug/alcohol counselor at my son's rehab was sharing with our group (families can take our loved ones on a visiting pass each time we attend a weekly addiction workshop) that her mother enabled her for years until she finally kicked her out. The counselor had an "I'll show her" attitude and lived homeless for 2 years. It was torture for her mom, but it was the only way the counselor could finally hit her bottom and seek treatment.
My son's rehab also treats co-occurring disorders, so my son's major depressive disorder is being treated through medication and also by seeing a counselor on a weekly basis. When my son was sharing his suicidal ideation, I was so broken over it, I cried on the phone with his counselor over my fear that something I said was pushing him to suicide. She set me straight and connected it to an addict's behavior. She said an addict who starts threatening to use again because of something we do or say is looking for an excuse to use. No one causes their use and we have to stop taking the blame for it. I thought of that conversation when I read #4, Jill.
We have no magic promises. The disease of alcoholism could kill my son. I can't ever say or write that without crying. But I do have to accept it and know that I can no longer enable him, which was actively helping him die.
#4 The hardest thing to do as a parent will be to let them suffer the consequences of their decisions. When you do that they will literally amp up the behaviors that hurt you the most to manipulate you into stopping their pain. There is really no length that they will not go to blame someone outside themselves.
I have a few thoughts on this...
This is one for all parents to be aware of because it's so hard to detach with love and when our addicted child is suffering, it feels unnatural not to help. When my son's addiction became crystal clear to me, I tried to save him for 8 months until it became unbearable (my son's downward spiral was extremely fast and frightening). I got him on a plane to live with his grandparents in another state, hoping he would get off the drugs and alcohol, get a job, and return home healthy and happy. That didn't happen. He lasted three weeks there and I wouldn't allow him back home. He proceeded to be kicked out of 4 other places in 6 months until he finally ended up in jail and would have become homeless had he not chosen rehab. It was hard, but I chose not to bail him out or even visit him in jail. Had I done so, I believe he would be actively using now. Could my son relapse? Yes. But today he is 90 days sober and I can breathe.
A drug/alcohol counselor at my son's rehab was sharing with our group (families can take our loved ones on a visiting pass each time we attend a weekly addiction workshop) that her mother enabled her for years until she finally kicked her out. The counselor had an "I'll show her" attitude and lived homeless for 2 years. It was torture for her mom, but it was the only way the counselor could finally hit her bottom and seek treatment.
My son's rehab also treats co-occurring disorders, so my son's major depressive disorder is being treated through medication and also by seeing a counselor on a weekly basis. When my son was sharing his suicidal ideation, I was so broken over it, I cried on the phone with his counselor over my fear that something I said was pushing him to suicide. She set me straight and connected it to an addict's behavior. She said an addict who starts threatening to use again because of something we do or say is looking for an excuse to use. No one causes their use and we have to stop taking the blame for it. I thought of that conversation when I read #4, Jill.
We have no magic promises. The disease of alcoholism could kill my son. I can't ever say or write that without crying. But I do have to accept it and know that I can no longer enable him, which was actively helping him die.
As I wrote in my last post, I also wanted to respond to #s 8 and 10.
#8 Finding a sponsor they like and a recovery group of their peers is HUGE. They need to find a place where they belong and feel like they fit in.
My son loves the 12 step meetings he attends daily. He's made a lot of friends and has a strong sober support network, so I'm very grateful that when he gets out of rehab, he will go to sober living near his rehab. My son has not yet found a sponsor, however, which really scares me. Once he gets out of rehab, which is soon, he'll be back in the real world with access to drugs and alcohol. If he doesn't have a sponsor, I'm afraid he won't have a chance. I also know, however, that I cannot make him get one or nag him into doing it. This is up to him.
#10 There is no lost cause. Miracles can happen every day. Things that seem impossible can become possible.
We must never forget this. When my son was in active addiction, I would call my sister (who is in recovery) and cry and cry. She told me she heard about miracles in her meetings every day.
#8 Finding a sponsor they like and a recovery group of their peers is HUGE. They need to find a place where they belong and feel like they fit in.
My son loves the 12 step meetings he attends daily. He's made a lot of friends and has a strong sober support network, so I'm very grateful that when he gets out of rehab, he will go to sober living near his rehab. My son has not yet found a sponsor, however, which really scares me. Once he gets out of rehab, which is soon, he'll be back in the real world with access to drugs and alcohol. If he doesn't have a sponsor, I'm afraid he won't have a chance. I also know, however, that I cannot make him get one or nag him into doing it. This is up to him.
#10 There is no lost cause. Miracles can happen every day. Things that seem impossible can become possible.
We must never forget this. When my son was in active addiction, I would call my sister (who is in recovery) and cry and cry. She told me she heard about miracles in her meetings every day.
