My bf came out of prison on the 5h of April , he's been taking suboxone. Today he said he was going to buy 20 of weed , he then said he was going to take the dog around the block and smoke a joint ...he was gone 2 hours! So when he came back I Q him about being 2 hours then he stormed off in a mood towards a rural area .....6 hours have passed and he's still not back its now 23:50 pm and so I've just phoned the police to report him missing as I'm scared that he's o.d I also found out in the mean time off the lad he bought the weed from that he only bought a tenna of weed not 20 ! .....My anxiety is through the roof , I've also just found his suboxone tablets so he hasn't took them today ! I can't cope
Breathe EMZ . . .breathe. Sending gentle hugs.
It sounds like you have reason to be afraid and concerned. Most weed smokers . . .even heavy ones . . . don't disappear for hours upon hours. So your Spidey-senses are probably correct. He is using something more than weed. He may have relapsed. This is par for the course. BUT . . .repeat after me . . .I didn't cause his addiction . . .I can't cure it . . .and I can't control it.
I'm glad that you called the police and reported him missing. I pray that he is well and is just selfishly enjoying his high. (Since suboxone blocks the effects of heroin, he may not have taken his pill today so he could use heroin.) I am sure that he will come home shortly, wondering why you got your panties in a bunch. In fact, I'm sure that he will turn up shortly. . . with no excuse for where he has been . . .or better yet, he may blame you for making him go out and use. Don't get duped into taking responsibility . . .no matter what he says.
The $64,000 question is: what are you going to do when he does come back? Are you going to welcome him with open arms? Will you offer him blanket forgiveness? I'm not suggesting that you kick him to the curb. I am suggesting that you think about establishing boundaries and rules . . .and consequences for breaking any. I am suggesting that you protect yourself and your finances by having a separate account.
If you haven't done so already, please do some reading while he is out on the run. This should help you craft your plan, set your boundaries and/or detach with love. You can start by reading on this board "Ways Family Members Can Help" and "Let Me Fall All By Myself." There are many other good posts here, such as "Will You Learn to Say No" and "What Not to Do."
Praying for you & your honeydo,
Lynn
xoxo
It sounds like you have reason to be afraid and concerned. Most weed smokers . . .even heavy ones . . . don't disappear for hours upon hours. So your Spidey-senses are probably correct. He is using something more than weed. He may have relapsed. This is par for the course. BUT . . .repeat after me . . .I didn't cause his addiction . . .I can't cure it . . .and I can't control it.
I'm glad that you called the police and reported him missing. I pray that he is well and is just selfishly enjoying his high. (Since suboxone blocks the effects of heroin, he may not have taken his pill today so he could use heroin.) I am sure that he will come home shortly, wondering why you got your panties in a bunch. In fact, I'm sure that he will turn up shortly. . . with no excuse for where he has been . . .or better yet, he may blame you for making him go out and use. Don't get duped into taking responsibility . . .no matter what he says.
The $64,000 question is: what are you going to do when he does come back? Are you going to welcome him with open arms? Will you offer him blanket forgiveness? I'm not suggesting that you kick him to the curb. I am suggesting that you think about establishing boundaries and rules . . .and consequences for breaking any. I am suggesting that you protect yourself and your finances by having a separate account.
If you haven't done so already, please do some reading while he is out on the run. This should help you craft your plan, set your boundaries and/or detach with love. You can start by reading on this board "Ways Family Members Can Help" and "Let Me Fall All By Myself." There are many other good posts here, such as "Will You Learn to Say No" and "What Not to Do."
Praying for you & your honeydo,
Lynn
xoxo
Thank you so much hurting mom for replying to me , when I leaving my house this morning to take the kids to school I had a strong urge to check my garden shed and there he was laying on the ground ...I shouted his name and asked what he was doing so he replied " sleeping " I left him there and took the kids to school . When I returned he came out of the shed and followed me in to the house we had a argument and he said that he's done nothing wrong and that my illness is making me have a suspicious mind ( I suffer from ocd intrusive thoughts and PTSD ) now I don't know what to think is it me ? Or is he manipulating me ? Please have you got any advice for me ? I feel like I'm going out my mind . I'm not new to this we've been together for 20 years and he's been a addict for 15 years I know I should run but I can't help but love him .
So sorry your going through this. He just got out of prison April 5th so he's on probation right?? When did he get prescribed suboxone?? Did he get out and start using immediately?? You have reason to be concerned about him. A lot of red flags are going off for me. He sounds like he's in active addiction. Run for the hills:) Twenty years is a long time to be together but 15 years of him treating you this way is wrong on so many levels. No it isn't you don't let him manipulate you like that. He is using and life will always be chaotic for you. Please seek some counseling for yourself. This will help you set some boundaries.
Yes he's on probation , he started on suboxone a week before he was released he's on a prescription not buying off the streets . He gets drug tested once a week by probation and up to Monday the tests have been clean , I believe that he had a slip up Monday afternoon but I'm not a 100% sure , Does anyone know if I was to drug test him today using a urine sample would the heroin still show up after 2 days ?
You are NOT going crazy!!! It is not normal..I repeat, not normal to disappear and then sleep in a shed! That is not normal under any circumstance.
I understand you want answers to his using, but policing him by drug testing him is NOT your job! You can't control his addiction! You can't love him enough, be understanding enough, threaten him enough, yell enough etc to get him to stop using. All you can do is set up healthy boundries and most importantly ENFORCE THEM!
You have children who do not deserve to live in the chaos of addiction. Their physical and mental health is at stake! You may think you can shield them from his addiction, but you can not! Children have a way of not only knowing what is going on, but they have an uncanny way of blaming themselves for what is happening. If they are not already in counseling, I emplore you to get that in the works immediately!!!
If you haven't checked out a Nar-anon, al-anon or CODA (codependents anonymous), please do so. They can support you in putting down, and enforcing, healthy boundries.
You need to ask yourself why you think this is all you deserve. You have put up with this addictive behavior, and a prison stint for 20nyears. Remember...WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US! Somewhere along the way, he got the message that this behavior was ok..and that if you got mad or put down boundries, you would eventually give in and back down. It is time for you to get your inner strength back. Remember too, that your children are watching all of this and this is what they will grow up thinking is normal and they will find themselves in similar circumstances.
It is time to break the codependence of this toxic relationship. You must put yourself and your children first. It is time to let this person go. Love is a two way street of compromise, support and understanding. This is not "love" this is codependent sickness in the face of addiction.
Remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You can, however, save yourself and your children from the heartache of addiction. He has had 20 years to get well and make up for things he did in active addiction and instead he is on probation and sleeping in a shed! It is time to demand more...you deserve better!
I understand you want answers to his using, but policing him by drug testing him is NOT your job! You can't control his addiction! You can't love him enough, be understanding enough, threaten him enough, yell enough etc to get him to stop using. All you can do is set up healthy boundries and most importantly ENFORCE THEM!
You have children who do not deserve to live in the chaos of addiction. Their physical and mental health is at stake! You may think you can shield them from his addiction, but you can not! Children have a way of not only knowing what is going on, but they have an uncanny way of blaming themselves for what is happening. If they are not already in counseling, I emplore you to get that in the works immediately!!!
If you haven't checked out a Nar-anon, al-anon or CODA (codependents anonymous), please do so. They can support you in putting down, and enforcing, healthy boundries.
You need to ask yourself why you think this is all you deserve. You have put up with this addictive behavior, and a prison stint for 20nyears. Remember...WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US! Somewhere along the way, he got the message that this behavior was ok..and that if you got mad or put down boundries, you would eventually give in and back down. It is time for you to get your inner strength back. Remember too, that your children are watching all of this and this is what they will grow up thinking is normal and they will find themselves in similar circumstances.
It is time to break the codependence of this toxic relationship. You must put yourself and your children first. It is time to let this person go. Love is a two way street of compromise, support and understanding. This is not "love" this is codependent sickness in the face of addiction.
Remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You can, however, save yourself and your children from the heartache of addiction. He has had 20 years to get well and make up for things he did in active addiction and instead he is on probation and sleeping in a shed! It is time to demand more...you deserve better!
