May I never lose that sense of loss, of total defeat, of wonder and of acceptance and life changing momentum I experienced on that first meeting with A.A.
Gidday Skg
Yeah finally i belonged somewhere and they understood my insanity and helped me change ny life forever, thankyou AA , spirituality and the part of me that wanted to live also everyone who shares there experience, strength and hope
light and love Zac
Yeah finally i belonged somewhere and they understood my insanity and helped me change ny life forever, thankyou AA , spirituality and the part of me that wanted to live also everyone who shares there experience, strength and hope
light and love Zac
Thanks for sharing SKG...I too never want to forget that feeling of finally having hope that I wouldn't have to just exist in this lifetime...The sense of freedom that I have now in my life by attending meetings and hearing the message being shared....God speaks to me through people and I hear so much when I'm sitting at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous....
Ya know, I have a healthy fear of becoming complacent and all I have to do is go back to my last drink in '97 when I first attended AA and my life started changing and getting so much better that I rationalized away the need for AA and deemed myself cured....several months later, life happened and I did not have the support network nor spiritual tools I needed to get through what was in front of me, so I went to the doctor and shortly later, started abusing pills.....
Today I have to stay accountable, stay an alcoholic and work my recovery on a daily basis so that I may reap the rewards of this program...I cannot afford to be cured...lol
I love ya, SKG....You have a beautiful spirit and I'm so glad I met you and thanks for being a part of my recovery....xoxo
Ya know, I have a healthy fear of becoming complacent and all I have to do is go back to my last drink in '97 when I first attended AA and my life started changing and getting so much better that I rationalized away the need for AA and deemed myself cured....several months later, life happened and I did not have the support network nor spiritual tools I needed to get through what was in front of me, so I went to the doctor and shortly later, started abusing pills.....
Today I have to stay accountable, stay an alcoholic and work my recovery on a daily basis so that I may reap the rewards of this program...I cannot afford to be cured...lol
I love ya, SKG....You have a beautiful spirit and I'm so glad I met you and thanks for being a part of my recovery....xoxo
~blushing~
That's a good point: I can't AFFORD the cure! It's that nearly IMMEDIATE sense of belonging, of hope, and of spiritual relief that keeps me coming back because there are certainly days (namely on weekends and days I don't get to meetings) when I could head for the research unit again. I often wonder if 'regular' people (normals a setting on the dryer, right?) actually CAN have the kind of serenity we grateful recovering alcoholics know.
That's a good point: I can't AFFORD the cure! It's that nearly IMMEDIATE sense of belonging, of hope, and of spiritual relief that keeps me coming back because there are certainly days (namely on weekends and days I don't get to meetings) when I could head for the research unit again. I often wonder if 'regular' people (normals a setting on the dryer, right?) actually CAN have the kind of serenity we grateful recovering alcoholics know.
They dont have the same serenity skg.Fact. There are people all around me in my workplace who claim to be "normal" and they are so f****d up or dont know how to deal with situations, they find more time to moan about things rather than doing something about it, its SO frustrating!! I'm grateful for every dry day. I'm so grateful for the peace that AA has brought into my life. And I'm so grateful for YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There was a young lad in my last meeting, was only 17/18 was shaking and looking awful, God I felt for him, but hatsoff to him, wish I'd known I was an alky at that age, would have saved me and others so much heartache! skg, u were first to post to me when I was down and out and ready...
flojo
flojo
Hi there,
I registered properly and got myself a liittle leprechaun on account of my Irishness :) and most importantly my commitment to sobriety and the great strength and hope I draw from you great people out there..................Yeah I often wondered if 'normal' people have this serenity that I hear so much about. To be really honest I'm still searching for it myself - even though I know it is early days in my sobriety and I need to have patience with myself. Last night walking home from work I passed a restaurant and just noticed all those folks having dinner. Many were drinking wine and looked to be having fun. I felt a twinge of loss and a sadness that I can't enjoy myself like others seem to do. I mean I know that if I was in there my glass of wine would have led to a bottle or two and perhaps even a third which I probably would have emptied over someone's head!! :) Ok I don't miss the madness that went with my drinking and the isolation. But you know, it is kinda hard in Ireland - every bloody thing revolves around booze. I mean some villages will have no local shop but by God there will be a pub and probably a few of them. Sobriety can be lonely in this country. I mean sometimes I get so sick of this whole 'Kiss me I'm Irish' crap we peddle to the unsuspecting tourist. Alcohol has a serious and frightening grip on many many people here and I think it is quite sad really.
Anyhoo, enough of my rant. I'm over a month sober now and very happy about it. Like I said it is challenging -
Is drinking a big deal where you guys hail from? SKG I've never been to the States (I will get there eventually) so I don't know what the general attitude to booze is?? And Zac, how is it in NZ??
I mean where I live I can't walk down the street without passing at least a few pubs and like I said it can be really challenging. Although a challenge I am up for and am meeting with dignity and courage I hope.
LOL to you all and hope to hear from you soon.
Ruth.
I registered properly and got myself a liittle leprechaun on account of my Irishness :) and most importantly my commitment to sobriety and the great strength and hope I draw from you great people out there..................Yeah I often wondered if 'normal' people have this serenity that I hear so much about. To be really honest I'm still searching for it myself - even though I know it is early days in my sobriety and I need to have patience with myself. Last night walking home from work I passed a restaurant and just noticed all those folks having dinner. Many were drinking wine and looked to be having fun. I felt a twinge of loss and a sadness that I can't enjoy myself like others seem to do. I mean I know that if I was in there my glass of wine would have led to a bottle or two and perhaps even a third which I probably would have emptied over someone's head!! :) Ok I don't miss the madness that went with my drinking and the isolation. But you know, it is kinda hard in Ireland - every bloody thing revolves around booze. I mean some villages will have no local shop but by God there will be a pub and probably a few of them. Sobriety can be lonely in this country. I mean sometimes I get so sick of this whole 'Kiss me I'm Irish' crap we peddle to the unsuspecting tourist. Alcohol has a serious and frightening grip on many many people here and I think it is quite sad really.
Anyhoo, enough of my rant. I'm over a month sober now and very happy about it. Like I said it is challenging -
Is drinking a big deal where you guys hail from? SKG I've never been to the States (I will get there eventually) so I don't know what the general attitude to booze is?? And Zac, how is it in NZ??
I mean where I live I can't walk down the street without passing at least a few pubs and like I said it can be really challenging. Although a challenge I am up for and am meeting with dignity and courage I hope.
LOL to you all and hope to hear from you soon.
Ruth.
Slippery little guys those leprechauns...........hope he shows up this time.
Hi Ruth,
I'm glad to hear from you and glad to hear that you have a month sober now. Like SKG, I had a pivotal moment, "hitting bottom" or what ever you want to call it and realized that my drinking was out of control and there was no other option than to quit. I am so thankful that it happened and I still ,seven months later have a sense of wonder when I think back to that moment.
I was thankful at the time as well however at the same time my life felt kind of empty and unfamiliar because I was sober all the time. It took awhile before I got used to it. I too feel a little envious at times when I see people drinking with a meal or at a party; about all I can do about it is remind myself that I'm no good at drinking and to be thankful for my sobriety. I find that these moments of envy do pass fairly quickly now...
I don't know if drinking is as big a deal in the small northwestern Canadian town that I live in (Terrace British Columbia) as it is in Ireland, but I can assure you it is a part of the social scene. Oh well... I'm learning to function as a non-drinker
take care of your self Ruth, don't be afraid to post more often.... I find posting on the "I'm grateful" and the "I won't drink" threads to be a very constructive exercise.....
one day at a time, Cookster
I'm glad to hear from you and glad to hear that you have a month sober now. Like SKG, I had a pivotal moment, "hitting bottom" or what ever you want to call it and realized that my drinking was out of control and there was no other option than to quit. I am so thankful that it happened and I still ,seven months later have a sense of wonder when I think back to that moment.
I was thankful at the time as well however at the same time my life felt kind of empty and unfamiliar because I was sober all the time. It took awhile before I got used to it. I too feel a little envious at times when I see people drinking with a meal or at a party; about all I can do about it is remind myself that I'm no good at drinking and to be thankful for my sobriety. I find that these moments of envy do pass fairly quickly now...
I don't know if drinking is as big a deal in the small northwestern Canadian town that I live in (Terrace British Columbia) as it is in Ireland, but I can assure you it is a part of the social scene. Oh well... I'm learning to function as a non-drinker
take care of your self Ruth, don't be afraid to post more often.... I find posting on the "I'm grateful" and the "I won't drink" threads to be a very constructive exercise.....
one day at a time, Cookster
Hi Cookster,
Thanks for your reply and yes gratitude is a thing I am actively working on. I was at a meeting today and the women there told my story effectively - I am a nice person (or so I'm told) but once I get drink into me the change is startling - especially the aggression and anger and I must have it in me somewhere but why is it only ever vented when I get drunk? Like I metioned in a post a long time ago my moment of realisation was being put into a jail cell for the night and driving my Mum out into the streets in the middle if the night looking for a hotel to stay in because she was so afraid of me.
I could not believe I had gone so far...sunk so low and hurt the one person who always had faith and belief in me. I am grateful for a wonderful Mum and these days she tells me how proud she is of me and that makes me feel so good.
My partner quit drinking eight months ago. He doesn't have a drink problem. He only quit to give me moral support. When I was drunk I would hit him and bite him and shout all kinds of expletives at him. But he too rememembered the person I am when I am sober and figured i was worth a shot. I am grateful for him. Other guys would have (and rightly too) head for the hills a long long time ago.
How did you decide that enough was enough Cookster. When was your moment of realisation? Was it the change in your personality or the fact that you couldn't function without alcolhol as happened to me in the end?
If you don't want to discuss that then please ignore.
Once again thank you for your post. This forum is a great support for all of us.
Take care of you,
Ruth
Thanks for your reply and yes gratitude is a thing I am actively working on. I was at a meeting today and the women there told my story effectively - I am a nice person (or so I'm told) but once I get drink into me the change is startling - especially the aggression and anger and I must have it in me somewhere but why is it only ever vented when I get drunk? Like I metioned in a post a long time ago my moment of realisation was being put into a jail cell for the night and driving my Mum out into the streets in the middle if the night looking for a hotel to stay in because she was so afraid of me.
I could not believe I had gone so far...sunk so low and hurt the one person who always had faith and belief in me. I am grateful for a wonderful Mum and these days she tells me how proud she is of me and that makes me feel so good.
My partner quit drinking eight months ago. He doesn't have a drink problem. He only quit to give me moral support. When I was drunk I would hit him and bite him and shout all kinds of expletives at him. But he too rememembered the person I am when I am sober and figured i was worth a shot. I am grateful for him. Other guys would have (and rightly too) head for the hills a long long time ago.
How did you decide that enough was enough Cookster. When was your moment of realisation? Was it the change in your personality or the fact that you couldn't function without alcolhol as happened to me in the end?
If you don't want to discuss that then please ignore.
Once again thank you for your post. This forum is a great support for all of us.
Take care of you,
Ruth
Flojo, I also had someone who cared enough to just encourage me. It's a WE program and together WE remember that we are powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable--and snap right back to chaos in an instant because we start again right where we left off. And pick up speed toward our demise. I, too, am reliant on the folks here, because they've helped keep me sober. Each day. And little by little, I develop faith that my program, which includes the folks here, and MY HP, are doing for me what I could not do for myself.
Ruth, I come from an Irish heritage, too. My grandmother on my mother's side is an Ingraham--I forget from which town, but it doesn't matter. Her family came over during the depression. My grandfather (not of Irish decent) was a raging alcoholic who used to make bathtub gin back in the day. He died from his addictions. I could see it coming because the information and education is available today that was "taboo" back then. AA started in 1939! Folks would end up in an asylum because of their inability to quit drinking and Bill had to come up with another way.
Bottom line is that America is no different. We glamourize drink, be it wine, liquor or beer, all the while pretending it's not a problem for most people. There are bars everywhere and there are people that live in them. Just like your towns. I remember the town drunk of my small town: Everyone knew he was a toad, but nobody cared enough to educate him. He died falling down a flight of stairs on a drunk at a bachelor's party somewhere I think. The whole Irish thing is a ruse if you ask me, and an excuse for many. There are plenty of Anglo Saxon decendants, Africans, Italian, and name-your-heritage that are alcoholics--it's an equal opportunity disease--AND 100% treatable.
It's a spiritual program because, from what I've learned, we're VERY low on spirituality. Seems to be our common denominator.
Cookster--I see you here all the time and never have taken the time to extend a hand. I'm very glad you're here--just thought I needed to mention that.
VW: I wish you'd hang around more. You and 24Gordon have a mature sobriety and program we could use more of!
I'm thankful that all of you and everyone on this forum are part of MY program. Thanks. I used to think the mushiness was stupid and over-the-top. Who knew it was actually, well, REAL??!
S
Ruth, I come from an Irish heritage, too. My grandmother on my mother's side is an Ingraham--I forget from which town, but it doesn't matter. Her family came over during the depression. My grandfather (not of Irish decent) was a raging alcoholic who used to make bathtub gin back in the day. He died from his addictions. I could see it coming because the information and education is available today that was "taboo" back then. AA started in 1939! Folks would end up in an asylum because of their inability to quit drinking and Bill had to come up with another way.
Bottom line is that America is no different. We glamourize drink, be it wine, liquor or beer, all the while pretending it's not a problem for most people. There are bars everywhere and there are people that live in them. Just like your towns. I remember the town drunk of my small town: Everyone knew he was a toad, but nobody cared enough to educate him. He died falling down a flight of stairs on a drunk at a bachelor's party somewhere I think. The whole Irish thing is a ruse if you ask me, and an excuse for many. There are plenty of Anglo Saxon decendants, Africans, Italian, and name-your-heritage that are alcoholics--it's an equal opportunity disease--AND 100% treatable.
It's a spiritual program because, from what I've learned, we're VERY low on spirituality. Seems to be our common denominator.
Cookster--I see you here all the time and never have taken the time to extend a hand. I'm very glad you're here--just thought I needed to mention that.
VW: I wish you'd hang around more. You and 24Gordon have a mature sobriety and program we could use more of!
I'm thankful that all of you and everyone on this forum are part of MY program. Thanks. I used to think the mushiness was stupid and over-the-top. Who knew it was actually, well, REAL??!
S
Ruth, you asked me what was my "moment of realization" . For me it wasn't that I couldn't function without alcohol, I just started brewing my own. It wasn't when I slept in and was late for work, I just got two alarm clocks, and started drinking earlier in the day and going to sleep (passing out) earlier. At this point I wanted to quit but couldn't.
It was when someone in a very caring way pointed out that some of my behaviour toward other people was very rude when I was drunk. Up until then I guess I just shrugged those two instances of rude behaviour with "oh well we were all drunk, what happens at the party stays at the party". I was quite shaken by this and managed to apologize to her. We were at a night club when we had this conversation. I ended up getting very drunk (my usual way of coping) and then staggering home.
The next morning I remembered being recognized by many people (I am a school teacher) which was embarrasing to me because while I was not rude or hurtful that evening, I was at the sloppy, babbling idiot stage. It suppose it was the combination of realizing that what I did when drunk could come back to me, and that other people had been affected that brought me to a place of acceptance and willingness. It was painful and humiliating but I am thankful just the same because it has been a turning point...
one day at a time, Cookster
It was when someone in a very caring way pointed out that some of my behaviour toward other people was very rude when I was drunk. Up until then I guess I just shrugged those two instances of rude behaviour with "oh well we were all drunk, what happens at the party stays at the party". I was quite shaken by this and managed to apologize to her. We were at a night club when we had this conversation. I ended up getting very drunk (my usual way of coping) and then staggering home.
The next morning I remembered being recognized by many people (I am a school teacher) which was embarrasing to me because while I was not rude or hurtful that evening, I was at the sloppy, babbling idiot stage. It suppose it was the combination of realizing that what I did when drunk could come back to me, and that other people had been affected that brought me to a place of acceptance and willingness. It was painful and humiliating but I am thankful just the same because it has been a turning point...
one day at a time, Cookster
Gidday Ruth
The town i come from is locked into the pub and revolves around it and as New Zealanders there is a culture of binge and excessive drinking by most young and old drinkers and we tend to drink fast....too fast but when i was in the scene i wanted and needed to be the best so addiction really threw me as my tolerance started to fail me.
I knew when i was 18 that i had a problem and i didnt quit till i was 32 and i only quit then because i wanted to die so i was going to stop then sort myself out and then drink sensibly but once i started to learn about addiction and see the hope that being sober gave people i started to fake it till i made it and now i love it.
Ireland is a beautiful country and in autumn at Blarney Castle it reminded me so much of home and yes ive kissed the blarney stone but i had the gift of the gab long before then. Our tour was police escorted out of Bunratty Castle as a few people got carried away with the meidieval theme i toured through Ireland in 1989 following the Allblacks and my wifes family hail from Cork on one side.
Like most of my travels i can tell you roughly where i have been but not how i got there or much detail because i was usually pissed and concentrating on staying that way although in Ireland my wife was a very good handbrake to my drinking and i resented her for that, thank god she seen the part of me that she loved (sober) and stuck by me, the things i have done and subjected her to i should be a headstone in a cemetary but hey i have the rest of my life to one day at a time say thankyou.
light and love Zac
The town i come from is locked into the pub and revolves around it and as New Zealanders there is a culture of binge and excessive drinking by most young and old drinkers and we tend to drink fast....too fast but when i was in the scene i wanted and needed to be the best so addiction really threw me as my tolerance started to fail me.
I knew when i was 18 that i had a problem and i didnt quit till i was 32 and i only quit then because i wanted to die so i was going to stop then sort myself out and then drink sensibly but once i started to learn about addiction and see the hope that being sober gave people i started to fake it till i made it and now i love it.
Ireland is a beautiful country and in autumn at Blarney Castle it reminded me so much of home and yes ive kissed the blarney stone but i had the gift of the gab long before then. Our tour was police escorted out of Bunratty Castle as a few people got carried away with the meidieval theme i toured through Ireland in 1989 following the Allblacks and my wifes family hail from Cork on one side.
Like most of my travels i can tell you roughly where i have been but not how i got there or much detail because i was usually pissed and concentrating on staying that way although in Ireland my wife was a very good handbrake to my drinking and i resented her for that, thank god she seen the part of me that she loved (sober) and stuck by me, the things i have done and subjected her to i should be a headstone in a cemetary but hey i have the rest of my life to one day at a time say thankyou.
light and love Zac
Bye the way, glad you are here too SKG, we need all the help we can get keeping this board active.... I enjoy reading your posts
one day at a time, Cookster
one day at a time, Cookster
Gee Zac
Escorted from Bunratty Castle!! I only live 5 mins away from there. Yes they sell the Bunratty Mead by the bucket load so maybe your party sampled a bit too much of that!
Agreed though about other halves. I've often asked mine why he stood by me when so often in the past he had to help me home from pubs and restaurants, and once I collapsed in a heap on a bridge after two bottles of wine to myself at dinner. And he said 'becuase you are a great girl when you are sober'. I never thought I was that great - at college I thought the only way people would like me is if I was someone else so I drank to make myself appear happier and more fun - and look where that got me. I never could undertand how someone would like the sober me and I don't know where that self dislike originated from. Well these days people can like me or lump me - sober Ruth it is because the other option I don't even want to think about.
Escorted from Bunratty Castle!! I only live 5 mins away from there. Yes they sell the Bunratty Mead by the bucket load so maybe your party sampled a bit too much of that!
Agreed though about other halves. I've often asked mine why he stood by me when so often in the past he had to help me home from pubs and restaurants, and once I collapsed in a heap on a bridge after two bottles of wine to myself at dinner. And he said 'becuase you are a great girl when you are sober'. I never thought I was that great - at college I thought the only way people would like me is if I was someone else so I drank to make myself appear happier and more fun - and look where that got me. I never could undertand how someone would like the sober me and I don't know where that self dislike originated from. Well these days people can like me or lump me - sober Ruth it is because the other option I don't even want to think about.
"... only way people would like me is if I was someone else so I drank to make myself appear happier and more fun - and look where that got me. I never could undertand how someone would like the sober me..."
I can SOOOO relate to this. For some reason I deemed myself inadequate to face life as a sober me. I can trace it back to childhood stuff, but at a very early age I began to drink, smoke, and experiment as I had an older brother who led me down that path. We were seldom supervised, and the level of mischief two brothers can achieve is mind-boggling to me now. But I did most of what I did for his approval--and then it was behavioral, because I was the funny one (so I thought) and approval/acceptance seemed easier to achieve when I was into (any) Mood Altering Drug (MAD).
Alcohol became my drug of choice, however, because it was LEGAL. I had obligations, some Top Secret Double Hot Super Duper Spy clearances and information access so I couldn't be doing that illegal stuff. Besides, it was addictive! By the time I was 18 or 19 I knew I was on my way to alcoholism, but it didn't seem like such a bad thing--many people I knew drank 'better' than I did, but I could certainly hold my liquor! Genetics, it seems, were in my favor and I was built to drink! So I did.
There's 20 years of antics, "adventures (as in, "Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after,")" between then and now, as well as marriage, university, raising a family, and a well-developed career. I do not regret my past, nor do I care to repeat it, but I DO wonder what my life would have held if I'd reached out earlier. The peace and serenity that envelopes me as a result of MY HP and this program is as addictive as anything I've ever put in my body.
There I go again. I think we're more similar that different, Ruth, as most of us tend to be. THAT was a part of this program that I found sort of bittersweet, too, because I'd been raised to believe I was different. Well, come to find out, I AM. I'm now reaping the benefits of that difference because I am now a Grateful Recovering Alcoholic.
Peaceness.
I can SOOOO relate to this. For some reason I deemed myself inadequate to face life as a sober me. I can trace it back to childhood stuff, but at a very early age I began to drink, smoke, and experiment as I had an older brother who led me down that path. We were seldom supervised, and the level of mischief two brothers can achieve is mind-boggling to me now. But I did most of what I did for his approval--and then it was behavioral, because I was the funny one (so I thought) and approval/acceptance seemed easier to achieve when I was into (any) Mood Altering Drug (MAD).
Alcohol became my drug of choice, however, because it was LEGAL. I had obligations, some Top Secret Double Hot Super Duper Spy clearances and information access so I couldn't be doing that illegal stuff. Besides, it was addictive! By the time I was 18 or 19 I knew I was on my way to alcoholism, but it didn't seem like such a bad thing--many people I knew drank 'better' than I did, but I could certainly hold my liquor! Genetics, it seems, were in my favor and I was built to drink! So I did.
There's 20 years of antics, "adventures (as in, "Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after,")" between then and now, as well as marriage, university, raising a family, and a well-developed career. I do not regret my past, nor do I care to repeat it, but I DO wonder what my life would have held if I'd reached out earlier. The peace and serenity that envelopes me as a result of MY HP and this program is as addictive as anything I've ever put in my body.
There I go again. I think we're more similar that different, Ruth, as most of us tend to be. THAT was a part of this program that I found sort of bittersweet, too, because I'd been raised to believe I was different. Well, come to find out, I AM. I'm now reaping the benefits of that difference because I am now a Grateful Recovering Alcoholic.
Peaceness.
