My son age 30 is in jail for probation violation and serving a 3 month sentence. He has informed me he will be released to a rehab center for treatment. From what I understand this will be about a month long course. He has been here before and rehab has not worked in the past. He is married and has 2 children and still he chooses the drugs (using/selling), stealing, selling stolen goods for money that he says is needed to feed his family. His wife is uneducated and work will be even hard for her to find. I know when he is released he will ask me to come back home to live but I am not going to let him and the thought of this hurts. I sit and wonder, how will he get a job being a felon, when will he wake up and stop using, when will he put his kids first, hell he does not even have a license....you guessed it SUSPENDED. I know he blames me for not supporting him in his always time of need. I have heard the streets take care of him and his own family won't....Just hurts when the nasty text messages come or he tries to lay the guilt trip on me. Thanks so much for being here and given me a place to vent. Tired and worried all the time :(
I feel your pain.
I am hoping and wishing for my brother to go behind the bars but for now my mother and I are the ones who are in jail.
I come here too to both to vent and to tell others to save their lives and not get so involved with the addict.
We have all entered into a dimension of hell.
I am sorry to say this but damned these people for making us suffer so much.
I have been a slave to the addiciton of my brother for so many years.
I have reached a point where I am so disgusted with myself. I have beomce the servant of the servant of the servant of some kind of organized crime.
Meaning you support and addict, you support their dealers who ultimitely support some Drug Lord who is having a great time while you are wondering how you are going to pay for rent.
While you start thinking of suicide or wish you were dead.
We must support each other and stay strong against those addicts who are unortunately playing the role of a family member in a rather short life.
We do not have to let them play such a major role in our lives and run the show.
I wish you all the best. Thanks for letting me vent to.
I am hoping and wishing for my brother to go behind the bars but for now my mother and I are the ones who are in jail.
I come here too to both to vent and to tell others to save their lives and not get so involved with the addict.
We have all entered into a dimension of hell.
I am sorry to say this but damned these people for making us suffer so much.
I have been a slave to the addiciton of my brother for so many years.
I have reached a point where I am so disgusted with myself. I have beomce the servant of the servant of the servant of some kind of organized crime.
Meaning you support and addict, you support their dealers who ultimitely support some Drug Lord who is having a great time while you are wondering how you are going to pay for rent.
While you start thinking of suicide or wish you were dead.
We must support each other and stay strong against those addicts who are unortunately playing the role of a family member in a rather short life.
We do not have to let them play such a major role in our lives and run the show.
I wish you all the best. Thanks for letting me vent to.
Krista, thank you so much for venting with me! I hope you are having a stress free day and your weekend plans go accordingly. I am planning a sit down with my mom, wife, and daughter in law to address my sons situation and let his spouse know that I don't have the tools, resources, or know how to really help him on his road to recovery. I will be there to support him but not to enable him. I do plan on finding an NAR-ANON group in my area for support. I want EVERYONE to understand I have a life and plan on living it my way not his! Stay strong and feel free to vent with me anytime.
John
John
Hi:
Jail will be the best thing for your son. I know...my son went thru it 3 years ago. It saved his life at the time (which is how I have to remind myself the "felon" is worth it). Its better than having him 6 feet under. He came out a new man. He wouldn't have lived much longer if he didn't end up in jail at that time. They have programs for them and places to live when they get out. This is your time to rest. I actually spend a month of his 6 month sentence crying cause he was put in segregation and when I finally got a letter the little sucker told me he liked segregation better. Your right...I still cry about my son being a felon and all the opportunities he now CANT have because of his crimes. But people keep telling me there are things he can do if he tries hard enough..my son has 2 children (a 6 year old and a 1 month old). He has managed since he got out of jail to maintain his landscaping job and he just told me that in the winter he is going to try to take a CDL course (which is offered by the state for FELONS). There are things he CAN do...not the best jobs...but then again....plumbing is also available, HVAC, many others just upon employment they will have to deal with the FELON explanation....but we have to remind ourselves its up to them. I know it still hurts...it kills me too...my son is 28....3 felons 1 robbery, 2 larceny's....the robbery was not really a "robbery" but that is how it is termed on the paperwork so that is what it looks like to employers. May I say..my son is a wonderful kid...but the drugs made him do things that he wouldn't do sober. He regrets it all but still uses drugs :(. There is a website for mothers or families of kids in jail...I don't remember the name of it because it was 3 years ago...but I went there everyday for support as well and it helped. Google Forum for Prisoners families or something - you will find it. Again, this is your time to breathe....you can't change it...so we have to learn how to best cope with it.
Jail will be the best thing for your son. I know...my son went thru it 3 years ago. It saved his life at the time (which is how I have to remind myself the "felon" is worth it). Its better than having him 6 feet under. He came out a new man. He wouldn't have lived much longer if he didn't end up in jail at that time. They have programs for them and places to live when they get out. This is your time to rest. I actually spend a month of his 6 month sentence crying cause he was put in segregation and when I finally got a letter the little sucker told me he liked segregation better. Your right...I still cry about my son being a felon and all the opportunities he now CANT have because of his crimes. But people keep telling me there are things he can do if he tries hard enough..my son has 2 children (a 6 year old and a 1 month old). He has managed since he got out of jail to maintain his landscaping job and he just told me that in the winter he is going to try to take a CDL course (which is offered by the state for FELONS). There are things he CAN do...not the best jobs...but then again....plumbing is also available, HVAC, many others just upon employment they will have to deal with the FELON explanation....but we have to remind ourselves its up to them. I know it still hurts...it kills me too...my son is 28....3 felons 1 robbery, 2 larceny's....the robbery was not really a "robbery" but that is how it is termed on the paperwork so that is what it looks like to employers. May I say..my son is a wonderful kid...but the drugs made him do things that he wouldn't do sober. He regrets it all but still uses drugs :(. There is a website for mothers or families of kids in jail...I don't remember the name of it because it was 3 years ago...but I went there everyday for support as well and it helped. Google Forum for Prisoners families or something - you will find it. Again, this is your time to breathe....you can't change it...so we have to learn how to best cope with it.
Dear KmGambino, Hmm where to begin...I guess first do not allow him to sell you this nonsense that the streets take care of him and not his family.I would clearly and in a strong tone remind him that his home didn't put him where he is .His home was comfortable supportive loving his needs were addressed he changed that structure not you.All you asked was for him to respect the rules of the home be responsible he was welcomed .Due to the action or in actions on his behalf that is what compromised the relationship.iwould also ask him straight out how his wonderful street family has taken care of him...let's see selling or obtaining drugs that could hurt or kill you.Not caring about your 2 children or your wife ...not telling you to straighten up....that's what you call family...that's your first mistake. Second he made 2 children it is his responsibility to step up as a man as a father and set an example for his kids...otherwise I would tell him you are an adult...but if you aren't going to step to the plate for my grandchildren I will...these children are innocent they didn't choose this life they are being handed...Next the wife is uneducated what's the matter she can't go for her GED ..if she doesn't want to do that...she could clean houses where there is a need for money a job can always be found...even if it's fast food...there is no shame to any job that you can make honest money.All that the uneducated thing is about is a lame excuse to be lazy.Your son is now an Adult....his actions his choices are his to make...his rewards are his his defeats are his to own up to..My son also at the moment is incarated he to has a rap sheet his license suspended for 5 years he faces the judge again in a few weeks...Does it bother me oh yeah cause he is capable of so much more....but these were he choices .If he complains to me I state Chris you know the consequences you could've changed your path....these are his lessons ....I can't candy coat them I can't soften them....I have come to realize either he will recover or he will die....10 years my life has been effected by herion and cocaine....I can't fight this invisible enemy it is not my Battle...it is his....i have no more money to offer I'm broke...thousands lost to his addiction and street family...by the way his street family has not visited him one time in jail...and also when he was arrested they helped themselves to his clothes and what they didn't want they put in a garbage bag and dumped it outside his ex girlfriends home...what a loving family...You cannot allow your son to move back in ...that's making it to easy for him and his wife....if the children need a home yes allow the children in...but as far as the son and the wife tell them to stop making excuses grow up fix themselves. ..it is they who must find the tools to build a life ...not you. ...we have to stop blaming ourselves for their stupid actions...I didn't purchase the drug..I didn't stick the needle in your arm...I didn't teach you to lie steal I didn't do it. .you did You! Now you want to change it I'll root you on ...but I am not going to do the work for you..take all that energy you had to get the drugs do the crimes and take your evil energy and transform it to positive energy....they must do the work....You aren't guilty of anything except for one thing loving your son....but make him stand up.....look out for the kids be a good grandparent....if need be only take in the grandchildren.
..and one last thing ask him what was the last productive thing his street family did...those upstanding citizens they are.
..and one last thing ask him what was the last productive thing his street family did...those upstanding citizens they are.
Hi as I read your post I heard the very familiar echos. My son is 29 and will be in jail for 22months. Probation violation - dirty ua- he got rid of alcohol so he could drive and cont to use drugs off/on til I turned him in. Jail can be a good thing. But he needs to be an adult - if he is sincere-if- then he will want to be a grown up and be responsible - sober living w/others who are working on it is the only thing that makes sense. Do not let him come "home." Do not give him a comfy place to fall. He needs PAIN and consequences. My son is already planning his sober/half way house entry. That is the appropriate place for him. I just went to my first NAR Anon mtg for families affected by addiction yesterday. Get to one ASAP- took me ten years of shame/blame to get there. Addiction does not want us to leave our addict-to lovingly detach!! It wants as many family members to keep him company so the addict will stay addicted. Say no to addiction and yes to recovery for your self-I will recover from my vague limits and boundaries like my son I hope will recover from his addiction. It is hard at first- read the letter "Let me fall by myself"- keep it in your purse!!
Keep coming back here!!
Keep coming back here!!
