Sons Heroine Addiction
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Ria
Posted: February 6, 2017, 7:28 PM
Hi this is my first post. Found out last week my 28 year old son has been shooting heroine for
4 years now he says 10 bags a day. He lives with his father and 23 yr old sister. I don't see him much holidays and special occasions. I noticed he was on something thanksgiving,reached out to his father no answer. My daughter searched his room and found needles told father he threw everything out wants to stop. I called a intervention specialist but no one wants to talk to the man except me. My son told me he can't loose his job and will get off stuff on his own. I don't believe he's off the stuff no signs of withdrawing and going to work every day. I feel lost and confused as to what to say or do. I told my son I love him and want to see him he said no. Can anyone help as to what I should do like go up and see him unannounced.
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Pls post this on the family board...
Loving Welcome . . .so sorry that you need us . . .so glad you found us.
As Con said, try posting this topic on the Families/Partners page. The moderators may automatically move your post there . . .but if they don't, repost there. There are many of us moms of addicts there.
I am so sorry that your son is part of this horrible epidemic. You must be in shock. Here's a hug, Mama. It sounds like he is a functional addict since he is still working and being productive. That's a good thing. I've seen ads for rehab/IOP programs tailored to folks who work. Maybe he should investigate some programs. From my experience with my 21 yo daughter, whose drug of choice is heroin, the easy part is to get physically clean from the dope. The hard part is learning to stay that way. That's where rehab, IOP, AA, NA, a therapist, sponsor, etc is necessary. As much as we love our addict children we are not trained to help them in this way. . . and in fact, our help may be detrimental to them . . .as well as us.
I understand that you want to see your baby. You're his mom . . .that's a bond that can never be broken. Of course, you are concerned & want to see with your own 2 eyes what is going on . . .how he is doing . . .what's really happening. I understand. My daughter moved 1,000 miles away from me last March supposedly to get treatment. Between March 2016 and August, I flew to FL at least 4 times. I get it!!!! I'm not sure that I'd go unannounced, tho. I'd tell him I'm coming to see him and suggest dates that are good for me. I'd ask him to pick one & then I'd go. I guess if we couldn't find a mutually convenient date, I'd bake a cake, drive it to him & tell him I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by.
But . . .before you jump in the car or on a plane . . .think. . . plan . . .and prepare. One of the tricks Addiction plays on us is to have us react, without thinking or react out of fear or guilt. So, stop, pause & reflect now. . . play out all the scenarios in your head. For example, if and when you see him, what are you going to say? What are you going to do? What do you hope that he will say/do? What will he most likely say/do? Or, if you do an ambush visit and you can't find him/he gets pissed off/doesn't answer the door, what will you do? After you think of each scenario . . .read . . . before you come up with your plan. . . read on the Family board "Ways Family Members Can Help," "Will you learn to say No," and "Let me Fall By Myself."
One of the hardest parts of loving & parenting my addicted daughter was learning MY limits. As her mom, I was programmed to give to her, to make her a priority, to protect her, to fix her problems and to love her unconditionally. You know. . .let me see your boo-boo and Mommy will kiss it & make it ALL better!! I had to learn that no matter what I did (or didn't do) it would have no effect on her use or her decision to be/stay clean. I couldn't give her sobriety, I couldn't make being clean a priority for her. I couldn't protect her from herself (heroin hijacked her mind). Nor could I fix her problems. Hell, I learned that I will never, ever understand 100% her bond . . .love affair (isn't that what addiction is?) with heroin. The only things I could do are . . .love her unconditionally BUT not get sucked up in her trauma & drama. . . pray for her. . . not enable . . . and take care of and love ME. For months, after the gravity of her addiction truly hit me, I repeated the 3 C's like it was the Rosary: I didn't cause her addiction; I can't control her addiction; and I can't cure it!
Please come join us on the Family board. We are all in different phases on this hellish journey. You can entrust your heart to us . . .you can share without shame or judgment . . .we will listen, provide hugs, cry with you, provide support, take out the pompoms to celebrate & sometimes (if necessary) give you a good swift (but soft) kick. But everything is said with much love. . .and from people, like you, who love an addict . . .or are addicts.
Praying for you,
Lynn
xoxo
As Con said, try posting this topic on the Families/Partners page. The moderators may automatically move your post there . . .but if they don't, repost there. There are many of us moms of addicts there.
I am so sorry that your son is part of this horrible epidemic. You must be in shock. Here's a hug, Mama. It sounds like he is a functional addict since he is still working and being productive. That's a good thing. I've seen ads for rehab/IOP programs tailored to folks who work. Maybe he should investigate some programs. From my experience with my 21 yo daughter, whose drug of choice is heroin, the easy part is to get physically clean from the dope. The hard part is learning to stay that way. That's where rehab, IOP, AA, NA, a therapist, sponsor, etc is necessary. As much as we love our addict children we are not trained to help them in this way. . . and in fact, our help may be detrimental to them . . .as well as us.
I understand that you want to see your baby. You're his mom . . .that's a bond that can never be broken. Of course, you are concerned & want to see with your own 2 eyes what is going on . . .how he is doing . . .what's really happening. I understand. My daughter moved 1,000 miles away from me last March supposedly to get treatment. Between March 2016 and August, I flew to FL at least 4 times. I get it!!!! I'm not sure that I'd go unannounced, tho. I'd tell him I'm coming to see him and suggest dates that are good for me. I'd ask him to pick one & then I'd go. I guess if we couldn't find a mutually convenient date, I'd bake a cake, drive it to him & tell him I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by.
But . . .before you jump in the car or on a plane . . .think. . . plan . . .and prepare. One of the tricks Addiction plays on us is to have us react, without thinking or react out of fear or guilt. So, stop, pause & reflect now. . . play out all the scenarios in your head. For example, if and when you see him, what are you going to say? What are you going to do? What do you hope that he will say/do? What will he most likely say/do? Or, if you do an ambush visit and you can't find him/he gets pissed off/doesn't answer the door, what will you do? After you think of each scenario . . .read . . . before you come up with your plan. . . read on the Family board "Ways Family Members Can Help," "Will you learn to say No," and "Let me Fall By Myself."
One of the hardest parts of loving & parenting my addicted daughter was learning MY limits. As her mom, I was programmed to give to her, to make her a priority, to protect her, to fix her problems and to love her unconditionally. You know. . .let me see your boo-boo and Mommy will kiss it & make it ALL better!! I had to learn that no matter what I did (or didn't do) it would have no effect on her use or her decision to be/stay clean. I couldn't give her sobriety, I couldn't make being clean a priority for her. I couldn't protect her from herself (heroin hijacked her mind). Nor could I fix her problems. Hell, I learned that I will never, ever understand 100% her bond . . .love affair (isn't that what addiction is?) with heroin. The only things I could do are . . .love her unconditionally BUT not get sucked up in her trauma & drama. . . pray for her. . . not enable . . . and take care of and love ME. For months, after the gravity of her addiction truly hit me, I repeated the 3 C's like it was the Rosary: I didn't cause her addiction; I can't control her addiction; and I can't cure it!
Please come join us on the Family board. We are all in different phases on this hellish journey. You can entrust your heart to us . . .you can share without shame or judgment . . .we will listen, provide hugs, cry with you, provide support, take out the pompoms to celebrate & sometimes (if necessary) give you a good swift (but soft) kick. But everything is said with much love. . .and from people, like you, who love an addict . . .or are addicts.
Praying for you,
Lynn
xoxo
Thank you so much for your kind and helpful words Lynn. I will move the post to family. My heart aches so much for my son. My ex husband won't let me in the home which is frustrating me even more. He's my son too.
Hugs & love to you as well Lynn. In hopes of hearing more on the family board.
Ria
Hugs & love to you as well Lynn. In hopes of hearing more on the family board.
Ria
Hi Ria--
My son is one of the oldest on this board and is an addict age 46 tomorrow. I haven't seen or heard from him for 2 months now and yes it is very hard to deal with. As moms we are always worried and concerned for our kids even when they are grown. I was the queen of enablers and didn't stop until I found this forum. They have helped me so much to stay strong and stop "my addiction" of enabling my son.
Hasn't been easy, but so very necessary if my son even has a chance to turn his life around. I have gone into this knowing that I may never hear from or see him again. I now realize that if I had stopped enabling him earlier on, he may have changed his life and got clean, but we made it easy for him to continue on the path of addiction by providing all the things he should have been doing for himself!
Our girl Lynn had great advice for you and she is such a great support to us on this board. Read over her words and advice and take them seriously cause that is the only way you can make a change in your son's life!
(((HUGS)) and prayers--Lori
My son is one of the oldest on this board and is an addict age 46 tomorrow. I haven't seen or heard from him for 2 months now and yes it is very hard to deal with. As moms we are always worried and concerned for our kids even when they are grown. I was the queen of enablers and didn't stop until I found this forum. They have helped me so much to stay strong and stop "my addiction" of enabling my son.
Hasn't been easy, but so very necessary if my son even has a chance to turn his life around. I have gone into this knowing that I may never hear from or see him again. I now realize that if I had stopped enabling him earlier on, he may have changed his life and got clean, but we made it easy for him to continue on the path of addiction by providing all the things he should have been doing for himself!
Our girl Lynn had great advice for you and she is such a great support to us on this board. Read over her words and advice and take them seriously cause that is the only way you can make a change in your son's life!
(((HUGS)) and prayers--Lori
Thanks so much for your kind words. I'm so sorry about your son and hope he turns his life around. My son has lived with his father since 18 yrs of age. I pray every day for my son to quit heroine he told me he uses ten bags a day with needles. I sit here a bundle of nerves I sleep with my phone on night stand in fear I will get a call my son is dead. I will keep reading the posts here in hopes of some relief.
Thanks again Ria
Thanks again Ria
my son was addicted to pain pills and then xanax and what ever else he could get. it might have started w cocaine. when we confirmed our suspicions he got a job in another state - said he would get his life back, get off the stuff on his own. one year later it was worse. he was always "trying", "it will be better soon". he could not do it on his own. it is very difficult. he went to rehab twice - for over 45 days each time. he did quit his job in landscaping work to try other jobs. past two years trying to be clean - relapses. Is doing better, but did loose everything twice. because of trying to get back on feet with nothing, in another state. not living at home, therefore homeless at times.
his job/profession is physically demanding and 6-7 days a week. the meds helped him to deal w pain and fatigue, until the meds did the opposite. etc.
now my son has been clean for 3 months. very much is angry w himself that he has lost time in career and has lost all of his possessions. no car, no apartment, nothing to show for working full time - 5 out of the past 7 years. now it is becoming difficult to find job, after not working in the field for 2 years.
In his eyes life has gotten worse since trying to be clean. in reality he was spending his whole paycheck on drugs. had so many car accidents he can not afford insurance. driving while under influence is a big problem.
his job/profession is physically demanding and 6-7 days a week. the meds helped him to deal w pain and fatigue, until the meds did the opposite. etc.
now my son has been clean for 3 months. very much is angry w himself that he has lost time in career and has lost all of his possessions. no car, no apartment, nothing to show for working full time - 5 out of the past 7 years. now it is becoming difficult to find job, after not working in the field for 2 years.
In his eyes life has gotten worse since trying to be clean. in reality he was spending his whole paycheck on drugs. had so many car accidents he can not afford insurance. driving while under influence is a big problem.
Oh boy I'm so sorry for your sons losses and your pain as well. It's so hard to sit on the sidelines and watch this disease take away there life daily. If not by death then job, health, finances.
God bless I hope your son stays clean!!
Ria
God bless I hope your son stays clean!!
Ria
Hey Ria! I was in the same situation five years back. It took two years for me to recognize my sons addiction. The worst part is, he ruined his studies due to Heroin addiction. He used to ask me money for projects and seminars but he used it to buy Heroin. I was totally broken at the moment when I realized this bitter truth. I was afraid of discussing this matter with my friends or relatives. But that was the worst decision I have taken. My uncle figured him using drugs with his friends and came to me asking about him. Within no time he
We made a great effort to convince my son to undergo the treatment and by Gods grace, he is totally recovered now. In your sons case also, it is not too late. Discuss this matter with someone you trust and start the treatment asap.
*** Please do not post links to for-profit organizations. Thank you, the moderators ***
We made a great effort to convince my son to undergo the treatment and by Gods grace, he is totally recovered now. In your sons case also, it is not too late. Discuss this matter with someone you trust and start the treatment asap.
*** Please do not post links to for-profit organizations. Thank you, the moderators ***
Thanks blossom and so glad to hear there is hope and your son is clean. My case I did contact a intervention specialist but due to the fact my sons father will no answer his calls and my son lives with his father and influenced by him we have been unable to get to my son. Frustrated to say the least!!
We are never "recovered"...in remission maybe...but never ever recovered.... It's a life long battle...the dope God and it's monkey doesn't let go easily....you have to learn to take care of yourself .. how to set and enforce boundaries...detach from the using...shock value telling you about his habit...we rarely go there...and never usually will tell you how much were using...if he's telling you stuff like this he wants your pity, playing on your heart for something...get smart...get tough...get to a Naranon or Alanon meeting...
Ria
It won't help him to get clean if you are setting up his rehab/recovery program! He needs to do that himself. If you arrange everything he may go but it isn't because he wants to get clean. He is doing it because that is what you want!
As Con said--getting clean is just the beginning. Recovery is the hard part and staying clean is a lifelong effort! Once an addict==always an addict! You need to let him figure things out for himself! If he is living with his father then there is nothing you can do except let go and let God!
You didn't cause his addiction, can't fix it, and can't cure it!
You will just slow down any chance he might have of getting clean!
Praying for you and your son to make wise choices--Lori
It won't help him to get clean if you are setting up his rehab/recovery program! He needs to do that himself. If you arrange everything he may go but it isn't because he wants to get clean. He is doing it because that is what you want!
As Con said--getting clean is just the beginning. Recovery is the hard part and staying clean is a lifelong effort! Once an addict==always an addict! You need to let him figure things out for himself! If he is living with his father then there is nothing you can do except let go and let God!
You didn't cause his addiction, can't fix it, and can't cure it!
You will just slow down any chance he might have of getting clean!
Praying for you and your son to make wise choices--Lori
Thanks Constantine this horrible addiction of my son I just learned about has got best of me. I'm grateful I found this site.
Ria
Ria
Thanks Lori I understand it has to be his doing and I need to step back. Just keep worrying that he will od before that happens.
Thanks for your prayers!
Ria
Thanks for your prayers!
Ria
Ria, I too have a son that has been dealing with a heroin addiction. He's 30 years old. The difference is we've been dealing with this since he was 14 or 15 years old. It didnt start with heroine, but thats where he wound up. Believe it or not, it started with No-Doz, and hes been on just about everything in between. Im going to post here what I posted last night, which was my first post. I would encourage you to find a 12 step or other support group meeting for the families of drug addicts. Im not sure about the etiquette of mentioning specific programs by name, but Im going to do it because it sounds to me like you need some immediate support. Look on line and see if you can find a Nar-Anon meeting in your area. If not, try an Al-Anon meeting, or Co-Dependents Anonymous. Almost any 12 step meeting will do. You might even consider going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. The addicts there will tell you that the best thing you can do for your son is let him find his way himself and take care of yourself. Recovering addicts are among the wisest people I know, and Ive been around them for the last 15 + years. Heres my post from last night:
Last night, for the first time in twenty-five months, I went to sleep knowing that my son was safe and with people who would not hurt him or contribute to his continued use of drugs. It's been a very long road that has taken my wife and me through 15 years of desperation, gut-wrenching fear, anger, hope, compassion and, finally, acceptance. When we started on this path, we, like so many other parents we've met along the way, were convinced that we could tackle this problem like any other challenge we'd faced in our lives. In a 12-step group for the families and friends of drug addicts, we heard that we had no control over our son's addiction. We were disinclined to admit that. As parents of an adolescent, it seemed that an admission of powerlessness was the equivalent of surrender, an abandonment of our son to the scourge of drug addiction. He was, after all, still a minor, living under our roof, and, at least putatively, complying with our rules. As his addiction took hold, however, we came to learn just how powerless and ineffective we were. We sent him to treatment centers (three), psychologists and psychiatrists. He had outbreaks of sobriety, followed by longer periods of being lost. A recent three-year long interval of success was followed by a two-year-long struggle. He finally came to the realization that he had had enough and that he could not have a relationship with drugs that did not take him down a path to chaos, privation, indigence and depravity. Last night, he checked himself into a detox and treatment facility. His fourth, but the first where it was his choice, his decision. For that reason, we have greater hope than we've had before. He chose the facility, he prepared diligently, as diligently as he could in his impaired state, and he willingly, purposefully, walked through the door, placing himself in the hands of professionals who may be able to help him get back on track.
We look at our powerlessness differently now. We understand that an admission of powerlessness does not mean capitulation. It is, rather, recognition that we cannot be attached to the outcome or to the means to achieve it. We cant give up in anger and defeat. We recognize our limitations. We can help, appropriately, but we must be dispassionate about the result. Ultimately, we must accept the fact that the only person who has the ability to overcome the addiction is the addict. He had to be ready. He had to be willing. He had to want sobriety and be willing to do whatever it takes to get it. We finally stepped back and let our son make his decision about the use of drugs. Last night, we watched him take a step weve wanted him to take for the last two years. As I said before, we have more hope than weve had before because he did it on his own. He says he really wants it, and were convinced that thats what it takes.
Last night, for the first time in twenty-five months, I went to sleep knowing that my son was safe and with people who would not hurt him or contribute to his continued use of drugs. It's been a very long road that has taken my wife and me through 15 years of desperation, gut-wrenching fear, anger, hope, compassion and, finally, acceptance. When we started on this path, we, like so many other parents we've met along the way, were convinced that we could tackle this problem like any other challenge we'd faced in our lives. In a 12-step group for the families and friends of drug addicts, we heard that we had no control over our son's addiction. We were disinclined to admit that. As parents of an adolescent, it seemed that an admission of powerlessness was the equivalent of surrender, an abandonment of our son to the scourge of drug addiction. He was, after all, still a minor, living under our roof, and, at least putatively, complying with our rules. As his addiction took hold, however, we came to learn just how powerless and ineffective we were. We sent him to treatment centers (three), psychologists and psychiatrists. He had outbreaks of sobriety, followed by longer periods of being lost. A recent three-year long interval of success was followed by a two-year-long struggle. He finally came to the realization that he had had enough and that he could not have a relationship with drugs that did not take him down a path to chaos, privation, indigence and depravity. Last night, he checked himself into a detox and treatment facility. His fourth, but the first where it was his choice, his decision. For that reason, we have greater hope than we've had before. He chose the facility, he prepared diligently, as diligently as he could in his impaired state, and he willingly, purposefully, walked through the door, placing himself in the hands of professionals who may be able to help him get back on track.
We look at our powerlessness differently now. We understand that an admission of powerlessness does not mean capitulation. It is, rather, recognition that we cannot be attached to the outcome or to the means to achieve it. We cant give up in anger and defeat. We recognize our limitations. We can help, appropriately, but we must be dispassionate about the result. Ultimately, we must accept the fact that the only person who has the ability to overcome the addiction is the addict. He had to be ready. He had to be willing. He had to want sobriety and be willing to do whatever it takes to get it. We finally stepped back and let our son make his decision about the use of drugs. Last night, we watched him take a step weve wanted him to take for the last two years. As I said before, we have more hope than weve had before because he did it on his own. He says he really wants it, and were convinced that thats what it takes.
Hi stanm thanks I am looking into a program for myself as I know as I keep reading posts on here that my son has to help himself. I just got a call from him today and for the first time since I found out just listened to my boy talk. He talked about his job and fixing his car and told me he loves me. God bless and watch over your son. I hope one day I can post the same that my son on his own went for help. For now I'll love and pray for him.
Ria
Ria
Hi Ria, I know it's a terrible worry and my heart breaks for you. I remember when I first found out about my daughter being on heroin. I was so shocked! So I understand how you feel too. I am the mother of an addicted daughter now for about 18 yrs. She was only 17 yrs old when she started on heroin. However I will spare you from all the details as sometimes I get sick of hearing myself. I remember when my daughter did 10 bags of heroin a day too at one time. That's a lot of money! I don't know how your son can keep that expense up. I'm sure that use to be $100 a day at one time. But she had an insurance claim so she could afford it until the money ran out. This is a good place you have found in coming on here. You will find a lot of comfort and there are all sorts of posts for different things. Recovery Milestones, Recovery Diaries are encouraging posts to read because nothing is written in stone as to who can get cured and who can't. Meantime don't give your son anything of any value that can be sold. If he asks you for money don't give him any either. I hope things get better but meantime you should try and find an al-anon or nar-anon meeting as suggested. That way you'll learn what your up against. We're all here for you as we're all fighting the same fight. Your going to be alright Ria, you'll see! Take care and God bless,Mary
Thanks Mary God bless you and your daughter!
Ria - it takes time - keep at it. you can see from our postings that it took years for our loved ones to get to this addition point. it usually takes years to get out of it. my son has been trying to recover for 2 years - going into the 3rd year. he has learned from rehab/sober living programs. he has had a hard time 'doing it on his own' . but after many months in a program, gets tired of it.
he has a good disposition, but gets a little sad - he says depressed - but I think he just wants to be 'happy all the time' and is slowly understanding that he just needs to be content. the drugs have a way of making them feel Normal when taking the drug, and not OK when trying to withdrawal. example - anxiety and depression - therefore they get stuck in the cycle of 'taking the drug to feel normal' because they think their normal is 'anxiety and depression' when the negative feelings they are feeling is actually side effects of the drugs they are taking. while taking pain meds, my son always felt 'miserable' and thought his life was miserable. 'what's the point' in life.
At the time, he had a brand new car, full time job, lived at home, no real problems - except the drug abuse. which he kept at a functional point for a few years.
If your son is able to function and keep his job, if he really wants to quit, talk to him about out patient programs. out patient programs - might be hard to do w full time job. or suggest he go to NA - maybe he can slowly change his thinking and slowly cut down, or take a leave from work, or take vacation days for 1-2 weeks.
Keep talking to him. keep the conversation light. do not become an enabler - say no to any financial requests or any thing he can do himself. do not get into the role of 'helping' him.
I (we) have felt the pain and fear of the unknown. Crying everyday about it - upon going to sleep, waking up, driving to and from work.... it is frightful and painful to watch.
my son has learned and grown over the past two years. he keeps 'trying to stay positive'. he has been looking for work in a new area - moved to live w a relative for a few months.
at this point we know he is safe and we can sleep.
he has a good disposition, but gets a little sad - he says depressed - but I think he just wants to be 'happy all the time' and is slowly understanding that he just needs to be content. the drugs have a way of making them feel Normal when taking the drug, and not OK when trying to withdrawal. example - anxiety and depression - therefore they get stuck in the cycle of 'taking the drug to feel normal' because they think their normal is 'anxiety and depression' when the negative feelings they are feeling is actually side effects of the drugs they are taking. while taking pain meds, my son always felt 'miserable' and thought his life was miserable. 'what's the point' in life.
At the time, he had a brand new car, full time job, lived at home, no real problems - except the drug abuse. which he kept at a functional point for a few years.
If your son is able to function and keep his job, if he really wants to quit, talk to him about out patient programs. out patient programs - might be hard to do w full time job. or suggest he go to NA - maybe he can slowly change his thinking and slowly cut down, or take a leave from work, or take vacation days for 1-2 weeks.
Keep talking to him. keep the conversation light. do not become an enabler - say no to any financial requests or any thing he can do himself. do not get into the role of 'helping' him.
I (we) have felt the pain and fear of the unknown. Crying everyday about it - upon going to sleep, waking up, driving to and from work.... it is frightful and painful to watch.
my son has learned and grown over the past two years. he keeps 'trying to stay positive'. he has been looking for work in a new area - moved to live w a relative for a few months.
at this point we know he is safe and we can sleep.
Another story - my son broke his phone - didnt want a case on it - it was an old hand-me-down - a smart phone, not a flip phone lol. he asked us if we had an old phone or if he can buy a new one on our phone contract. we said we are not buying new phones for our kids anymore. he will have to purchase someone else's old phone..... we did have 2 broken phones - same style as his - that we mailed to him. within one day of receiving the broken phones, he watched youtube videos and was able to exchange parts and produced a working phone!
This was an accomplishment for all of us. WE did not enable and HE felt the joy of fixing his phone, instead of the unworthiness of us rescuing him.
a few days later he called to ask if we have any old phone cases to send him - since the phone is so 'new' he does not want to break it. LOL lesson in consequences.
This was an accomplishment for all of us. WE did not enable and HE felt the joy of fixing his phone, instead of the unworthiness of us rescuing him.
a few days later he called to ask if we have any old phone cases to send him - since the phone is so 'new' he does not want to break it. LOL lesson in consequences.
