i need advice
i have been married to my partner for nearly 8 years . he Refuses to quit smoking pot .. well that's not Entirely true. He still Swears he has quit but he hasn't. I have caught him in so many lies and the reason i Hate it is because there is No such thing as an occasional high for him . when he starts he seems to need it all the time and sometimes it leads to other drugs. what do i do ?
i think Maybe if i let him occasionally get high somewhere else and as long as it isn't around me or our 3 children it will be ok . maybe eventually he will quit . but i am So tired of thinking of drugs period around him that it literally is digging into my skin. andour children won't be neive forever although they are young right now.
I hate to throw out 8 years for pot but like i said it usually does Not end there . after months of toking and jonesing he usually has a once a year episode with something harder. and in that time he is the worlds biggest a** .
i'm confused. please help .
hi mw, welcome. i don't really have any advice, because i'm an addict myslef, although i've been clean for 4 mo.'s, i guess you can
1. give him an ultimatum -
a. - it works, he quits and the pot/drug thing is all over
b. - he smokes, but you ignore the ultimate part, and stick with it, and put up with same.
c. - he smokes, and you divorce him and leave or kick him, you have your life to live, and enough is enough, short-term consequences for long term change in your life
2. - try to get him help, keep at him,
3. - just put up with it, what can you do? you married an addict.
me, my poor wife, i've been hiding it from her for yrs, then i always come clean once i straighten up for a week or so, this is has been going back and forth for 10 yrs. lately i haven't been in a good way, this pot is calling me back, i don't feel right, i feel like i need something. yuck!!! it's an ache that won't quit.
and you wouldn't know it by looking at me i guess. good luck. keep working at it and figuring, there is often an answer in this life, keep using your brain, and keep looking for more in your life for you and your children. don't let you kids know he smokes, keep it hidden, everyone is better off. (kids more likely to use if they know their parents do/did)
1. give him an ultimatum -
a. - it works, he quits and the pot/drug thing is all over
b. - he smokes, but you ignore the ultimate part, and stick with it, and put up with same.
c. - he smokes, and you divorce him and leave or kick him, you have your life to live, and enough is enough, short-term consequences for long term change in your life
2. - try to get him help, keep at him,
3. - just put up with it, what can you do? you married an addict.
me, my poor wife, i've been hiding it from her for yrs, then i always come clean once i straighten up for a week or so, this is has been going back and forth for 10 yrs. lately i haven't been in a good way, this pot is calling me back, i don't feel right, i feel like i need something. yuck!!! it's an ache that won't quit.
and you wouldn't know it by looking at me i guess. good luck. keep working at it and figuring, there is often an answer in this life, keep using your brain, and keep looking for more in your life for you and your children. don't let you kids know he smokes, keep it hidden, everyone is better off. (kids more likely to use if they know their parents do/did)
thanks hardcharger
i admire your honesty and your willingness to share through this website.. it's harsh in all my own honesty hearing i married an addict but it's true.. i knew he smoked from time to time but i didn't really realise it was the problem it is until years in . what's harder for him is that in the very beginning i used to smoke an occasional bowl with him myself but that all changed when we had our kids. i wanted more for them and i didn't want to feel the shame of setting negative examples for them .. i didn't want my children to have a reason to look down on me .. or thinking it's ok because it is Just pot .. we also didn't get high that much in the beginning ..
it's just gotten to the point where i can't stand it because it's interferring financially now and in other ways and all he says is hey legalise it and it won't be a problem .. well it's not only that it's the company he keeps . i hate to stereotype but he really does have some loser stoner friends.. losers in the fact .. that they would all cheat on their spouses in a heartbeat. not in the fact they are dealing with a problem ... just to clarify myself .
anyway guess my options are limited.
how bout you .. do you feel tempted to the point where you think you might really act on your cravings ? it might be hard to talk about but admitting they are there is half the battle .. i wish so much my guy would come to me and say i'm having a hard time .. i would respect him so much for his honesty but that's the other issue. he hides it out of fear of me punishing him or something like that i guess . just remember with Every temptation you manage to get through you will become much more personally stronger than the time before and you will become master of the drug instead of the other way around .
anyway i don't know about a hardcore ultimatum but i might have to just try being honest and telling him i can't deal with this anymore. it's a downer.. and i really don't want him to be the kind of dad who's out in the garage getting his 17 year old son high thinking he's really showing him how cool of a dad he is .. he doesn't need a buddy .. he needs a parant..
anyway i'm thinking of you and hoping you are able to pass the temptations .. but keep up the good work .. you really should give yourself credit for acknowledging you have the problem in the first place.. you are further than my guy is .. and you have 4 months sobriety .. i don't know you but i am proud of you ..
mary ..
i admire your honesty and your willingness to share through this website.. it's harsh in all my own honesty hearing i married an addict but it's true.. i knew he smoked from time to time but i didn't really realise it was the problem it is until years in . what's harder for him is that in the very beginning i used to smoke an occasional bowl with him myself but that all changed when we had our kids. i wanted more for them and i didn't want to feel the shame of setting negative examples for them .. i didn't want my children to have a reason to look down on me .. or thinking it's ok because it is Just pot .. we also didn't get high that much in the beginning ..
it's just gotten to the point where i can't stand it because it's interferring financially now and in other ways and all he says is hey legalise it and it won't be a problem .. well it's not only that it's the company he keeps . i hate to stereotype but he really does have some loser stoner friends.. losers in the fact .. that they would all cheat on their spouses in a heartbeat. not in the fact they are dealing with a problem ... just to clarify myself .
anyway guess my options are limited.
how bout you .. do you feel tempted to the point where you think you might really act on your cravings ? it might be hard to talk about but admitting they are there is half the battle .. i wish so much my guy would come to me and say i'm having a hard time .. i would respect him so much for his honesty but that's the other issue. he hides it out of fear of me punishing him or something like that i guess . just remember with Every temptation you manage to get through you will become much more personally stronger than the time before and you will become master of the drug instead of the other way around .
anyway i don't know about a hardcore ultimatum but i might have to just try being honest and telling him i can't deal with this anymore. it's a downer.. and i really don't want him to be the kind of dad who's out in the garage getting his 17 year old son high thinking he's really showing him how cool of a dad he is .. he doesn't need a buddy .. he needs a parant..
anyway i'm thinking of you and hoping you are able to pass the temptations .. but keep up the good work .. you really should give yourself credit for acknowledging you have the problem in the first place.. you are further than my guy is .. and you have 4 months sobriety .. i don't know you but i am proud of you ..
mary ..
Mary,I'm 47 with 3 kids, good job, nice house, 11 employees. Also active and leader in other activities besides work, boy scout merit badge counselor, church finance chairman, trade assoc leader, leader in my hobby. i have alot going good in my life, but this pot is trailing me. alcoholic too, but haven't drank since 81, stayed totally clean for 10 years, then ocassional pot use for 5, then on and off for 10, when on, almost 24/7, 3 busy work days, wait until lunch. luckily my friends are nice, even my pot friends. i don't think my 15&17 yr old kids have a clue i'm/was a smoker, and i am able to hide my 24/7 from my wife and co-workers.
these cravings really suck. i almost feel like going for counseling. but i don't want to get "trapped" into that and can't get out, or if I backslide, they could force me into in patient treatment.
here is what is funny this time, my wife of 19 yrs had been so mean and difficult, but the last 2 mo.'s have been marriage heaven, combo of zoloft and sweet trip to vegas. before, even on pot, it seemed my wife was the one with problem, now it seems to be me.
these cravings really suck. i almost feel like going for counseling. but i don't want to get "trapped" into that and can't get out, or if I backslide, they could force me into in patient treatment.
here is what is funny this time, my wife of 19 yrs had been so mean and difficult, but the last 2 mo.'s have been marriage heaven, combo of zoloft and sweet trip to vegas. before, even on pot, it seemed my wife was the one with problem, now it seems to be me.
hc-
Hmmm, and you seemed to be doing so well (almost obnoxiously so %don't even think it-jamv%) so what changed? Something in your life? I noticed you substituted a lot with kava root and tea-has your intake of those changed? You, like me, are very analytical so sit down and take an inventory and see where these cravings are coming from- if you can do that I'm certian you can figure out how to banish them from your mind once and for all.
Hmmm, and you seemed to be doing so well (almost obnoxiously so %don't even think it-jamv%) so what changed? Something in your life? I noticed you substituted a lot with kava root and tea-has your intake of those changed? You, like me, are very analytical so sit down and take an inventory and see where these cravings are coming from- if you can do that I'm certian you can figure out how to banish them from your mind once and for all.
hardcharger..
the thing is .. you haven't fallen yet.. think of the After affect .. i know you have.. but make a list even mentally of what life would be like if you literally went back .. you certainly have a busy schedule and you are very successful .. you have done alot with your life.. i would hate to read someday you lost it .
do you associate alot with the pot smoker friends ? maybe that's a flag for the moment .. i don't mean to be rude to them .. or just close the door on them i guess but maybe just for now to keep a distance..
the counseling might be a risk <it is also confidential though and doesn't have to be forever> or even for years,, But it sounds to me like you know what you might need to do .. " i just don't want to get caught in something i can't get out of .. what if you are caught back in the using and can't get out of that.. which is the lesser of the 2 evils . that's a question only you can answer. . and i'm not here to judge you by any means. but just to point out the thinking pattern. Remember user behavior or thoughts are still there long after the addiction. ofcourse you will crave it. it is something that Relaxed you in the past .. but how much stress will it bring back into your life .. and at what cost does it come .. and how will you feel when the high is over..
i do hope you find the inner strength to get past this and remember with Every urge you resist Sooner or later it will become easier because you will become stronger.. and quite possibly with the church God will pull out all the good he can out of the bad.. he will Use you to .. help others.. and what better experience than that of someone who really has been there.
i'm glad things are going better in your marriage.. that trip to vegas sounds like it was much needed. maybe you should make that a plan.. to try to fit in a couple more outtings like that, that give you something to plan and look forward to. it might be hard with the busy schedule but i think it would be worth it to give yourselves that boost. even if it's just a couple day thing .
sorry it took me so long to respond back. still i admire you for your honesty no matter what it is .. you are holding your own right now.. hope to hear from you soon. mary
by the way .. there is no risk in NA.. why not try to just get in a meeting or who knows maybe 2..
the thing is .. you haven't fallen yet.. think of the After affect .. i know you have.. but make a list even mentally of what life would be like if you literally went back .. you certainly have a busy schedule and you are very successful .. you have done alot with your life.. i would hate to read someday you lost it .
do you associate alot with the pot smoker friends ? maybe that's a flag for the moment .. i don't mean to be rude to them .. or just close the door on them i guess but maybe just for now to keep a distance..
the counseling might be a risk <it is also confidential though and doesn't have to be forever> or even for years,, But it sounds to me like you know what you might need to do .. " i just don't want to get caught in something i can't get out of .. what if you are caught back in the using and can't get out of that.. which is the lesser of the 2 evils . that's a question only you can answer. . and i'm not here to judge you by any means. but just to point out the thinking pattern. Remember user behavior or thoughts are still there long after the addiction. ofcourse you will crave it. it is something that Relaxed you in the past .. but how much stress will it bring back into your life .. and at what cost does it come .. and how will you feel when the high is over..
i do hope you find the inner strength to get past this and remember with Every urge you resist Sooner or later it will become easier because you will become stronger.. and quite possibly with the church God will pull out all the good he can out of the bad.. he will Use you to .. help others.. and what better experience than that of someone who really has been there.
i'm glad things are going better in your marriage.. that trip to vegas sounds like it was much needed. maybe you should make that a plan.. to try to fit in a couple more outtings like that, that give you something to plan and look forward to. it might be hard with the busy schedule but i think it would be worth it to give yourselves that boost. even if it's just a couple day thing .
sorry it took me so long to respond back. still i admire you for your honesty no matter what it is .. you are holding your own right now.. hope to hear from you soon. mary
by the way .. there is no risk in NA.. why not try to just get in a meeting or who knows maybe 2..
