Morning Ya'll,
During my taper, which I must say is getting harder since I dropped to 2 mils a day, yesterday, I have cleared my head enough to wonder why I didn't realize I was an addict. One obvious reason is I took my meds on time each day so ofcourse I didn't realize what it would feel like should I not take it.
For the first time through all of this, only this morning did I notice what I would call true addict behavoir.
I put my medicine in my mouth and then took a swollow of Mt. Dew. This is where my behavoir got weird. I had to keep going back and looking into the bottle to make sure it went ito my tummy instead of the bottle. I bet I looked 10 times when in reality, had it gone into the bottle it would desolve too fast for me too have seen it byt the 10th trip to the kitchen. But, that really made me realize I am far from clean.
I went from 2.5 to 2 mils yesterday and ofcourse I am dizzy, shaky, a lil short of breath, the light symptoms.... no seeing stuff that isn't there, crying nonstop or the over all feeling of going crazy. It is just very uncomfortable. So that I do not cheat on the plan, I am not committing to 2 mils until I see how I feel tomorrow. I pray I even out and I can stay at 2 mils for a few weeks. If I still feel weird tomorrow I will up it to 2.25 mils. I am cutting over here to the point it is rediculous. Not such a badass when it comes to this so I need to chill on the race to get clean. Why do I have to go at everything I do like a pit bull on a chickens throat? Oh yeah, over-acheiver, type A personality.... all of the above. Suppose that is why.
Just wanted to let you know my progress. I am looking forward to the Easter plunge. For those tampering from Xanax, I will let you know what I feel when I drop doses and when I do so. Correct me if I'm wrong but, I believe this is my 3rd week of tapering and I have gone from 4 mils to 2. FROM TWO BARS A DAY TO ONE BAR... Yay! No, I don't recommend this. Not to anyone. This was my plan/goal. Everyone has their own goals. I don't recommend going this fast to anyone, especially with the lack of Valuim which I should be using in addiction to xanax. I have been able to do it because I can act pretty much how I want and my family still loves me, although ALL of them are against my recovery. Perhaps I do NEED xanax but lets leave that decision to a Dr, and NO not an internet Dr. That is what got me in this mess to begin with. Oh, and for the ladies, no period as I have tapered. I don't know if this is because of the lack of meds. I haven't purchased a 'test' but I am most sure I am not pregnant so that is one great thing about getting clean. I don't have to see Walter! As of today I am 11 days late. Hrm, for safety sake, maybe I should pick up one of those tests... just to be sure. I didn't realize HOW late til I just counted for ya'll.
Hope this helps someone. Have a happy sober/taper day! Big hugs and kisses!
k,
congrats and keep up that feisty attitude that is keeping you on track, hey just a thought. try finding tension tamer tea in the grocery store. it helps alot!!!!! with calming and relaxing effects. i read in there the other day it has catnip as one of the ingredients and thought to myself, if only i were a cat hehehe. but seriously this stuff is amazing it will help with some of your w/d symptoms as far as being edgey and stuff.
terrianne
congrats and keep up that feisty attitude that is keeping you on track, hey just a thought. try finding tension tamer tea in the grocery store. it helps alot!!!!! with calming and relaxing effects. i read in there the other day it has catnip as one of the ingredients and thought to myself, if only i were a cat hehehe. but seriously this stuff is amazing it will help with some of your w/d symptoms as far as being edgey and stuff.
terrianne
Thanks hun, that is the biggest deal now.... edgy, dizzy. Other than that, I am in day 2 of only 2 mils a day. No commitment with this dosage just yet. If I don't get a little better by tomorrow I am going up to 2.25 a day. I just sent my husband for some of that tea. He would walk over hot coals for me at this point. I have the poor guy scared to death. So what I am so angry my head does a 180 and I spit pea soup... it will pass. Grap a cross, pray and hope for the best hehe.
Hi there K it sounds like your focussed on your recovery well done to you jackie xxxxxxxx
Kaela,
You are one strong and determined woman, if anyone can do this, you can.
It would be something if you did get one of those tests and it came up positive, I'd love some company.
Redd
You are one strong and determined woman, if anyone can do this, you can.
It would be something if you did get one of those tests and it came up positive, I'd love some company.
Redd
K, I am so proud of you, you are doing what YOU need to do! Hang in there, we are all praying for you, and thinking of you....YOU GO GIRL! Kim
Thanks ya'll!
But Redd, I am on Xanax, that would probably eat my little babies brain or something... or would it? Never researched Xanax and pregnancy. I have to admit though, it would be awfully fun for the two of us. How far along are you? I suppose I would be about 6 weeks. I know I am not knocked up though because I felt pregnant before I even knew with my son. I was 3 weeks along when I found out haha. So, that was a loooong pregnancy. Most don't find out til much later.
But Redd, I am on Xanax, that would probably eat my little babies brain or something... or would it? Never researched Xanax and pregnancy. I have to admit though, it would be awfully fun for the two of us. How far along are you? I suppose I would be about 6 weeks. I know I am not knocked up though because I felt pregnant before I even knew with my son. I was 3 weeks along when I found out haha. So, that was a loooong pregnancy. Most don't find out til much later.
I can beat that, I think I'm only 2 1/2 weeks, so I'm in for a long one too, the day I missed Walter, I took the test, I just knew. I did with my son as well. As far sas the xanax, I'm not sure. It would be a hoot though, I'd have to come see you, my dad lives in Tarpon Springs, is that close to you?
Redd
Redd
Kaela, that is quite common with Xanax. You don't know you are addicted at all until you go to quit. Then..SUPRISE!
By the way, I used to live in Palm Harbor..
By the way, I used to live in Palm Harbor..
Winkle, thats close to Tarpon Springs right? How are you feeling these days?
Redd
Redd
Redd- Yes it is..I lived off of Tarpon Spring Blvd.
I'm feeling "OK" I guess..just have to take things slow!
I'm feeling "OK" I guess..just have to take things slow!
It really is a small world, I know right where that is.
Take it as slow as needed, Winkle, everything takes time, and you were put through the ringer.
Redd
Take it as slow as needed, Winkle, everything takes time, and you were put through the ringer.
Redd
Yep- McMullen and Tarpon Springs Blvd..I really loved the area..I should of never moved back here..
God, too weird for 3 people to live within 15 miles of eachother on the same board. Maybe one day we can be friends in real. Not just here. My husband is being an a****** to me today. Only now I know why, before I was left to quess. He is beside himself about me getting off of Xanax and there has to be an alterior motive behind that or I am just paronoid. He is really testing me today, making me want to say f*** it and eat the whole bottle (not literally). But when things aren't good with the ones you love, it makes you want to numb it... cheat.
Dear K,I've been reading all your post trying to get to know the person who you are.You do realize who you are right at this minute will not be the person you'll be at the end of your journey.My main /only addiction is with pain pills.I cannot imagen what it must be like for you to do what your doing.And you are doing it.I hope you realize that.I think from here on out it may get harder.For alot of reasons.But I feel that as you keep tapering try to be kind & patient to yourself.It may be hard because you just want to be free but let your body guide you.That way it may not feel as hard.
I feel very bad that you feel you dont have the support of your husband.For me having someone who gave me the love & support I needed and still need.To me that makes this battle so much easier.Is there anyone you have to be supportive outside of us of course?I have read where you say that you feel by you doing whats healthy & right for you your husband feels as if he is losen control.That seems so unfair for you.Anyways the reason I am writting is just to say I think you are doing a great job & by reading your post you are also helping others who come here.
Good Luck to you.Keep Up The Good Fight...mj
I feel very bad that you feel you dont have the support of your husband.For me having someone who gave me the love & support I needed and still need.To me that makes this battle so much easier.Is there anyone you have to be supportive outside of us of course?I have read where you say that you feel by you doing whats healthy & right for you your husband feels as if he is losen control.That seems so unfair for you.Anyways the reason I am writting is just to say I think you are doing a great job & by reading your post you are also helping others who come here.
Good Luck to you.Keep Up The Good Fight...mj
Thank you Molly. But I just popped on because I am not doing good today. back to crying which is very out of my character. I don't feel strong at all. I just dropped recently so perhaps I am just adjusting but I feel very upset and panicky right now. This must be one of the bad days. Ya'll said some would be good, some bad. I feel like a junky today, crying, shaky, smoking like frieght train. I take .5 at noon, praying it evens me out. I like you molly and I appreciate your concern.
No, noone outside of ya'll supports this. I admit I am very high strung and I do think of things to worrry about. But what I need should have been decided by a Dr. I didn't know what I was playing with and I am scared s***less, to be very honest. Like today, I am scared to take my dose and scared not to. Maybe this is some kind of passage, cross road all addicts experience. Maybe this is when I will decide to keep going or turn back. Because, as you know... I could eat a bar right now and wouldn't give a heck about anything. I woudn't be scared anymore and I would probably forget how bad this morning has been. But, I ain't gonna do that. I am going to sit here and cry and pound on this keyboard until I can take my meds @ 12. AND IM NOT GOING TO FEEL LIKE A PUNK ABOUT IT. If someone can do this with no problem, they are super human. I have accepted that.
When I am feeling panic, its better to have the tough love approach with me rather than the awww baby stuff. You help many here so if you want to help me, theres a tip. The babying stuff just builds the panic, for some reason.
No, noone outside of ya'll supports this. I admit I am very high strung and I do think of things to worrry about. But what I need should have been decided by a Dr. I didn't know what I was playing with and I am scared s***less, to be very honest. Like today, I am scared to take my dose and scared not to. Maybe this is some kind of passage, cross road all addicts experience. Maybe this is when I will decide to keep going or turn back. Because, as you know... I could eat a bar right now and wouldn't give a heck about anything. I woudn't be scared anymore and I would probably forget how bad this morning has been. But, I ain't gonna do that. I am going to sit here and cry and pound on this keyboard until I can take my meds @ 12. AND IM NOT GOING TO FEEL LIKE A PUNK ABOUT IT. If someone can do this with no problem, they are super human. I have accepted that.
When I am feeling panic, its better to have the tough love approach with me rather than the awww baby stuff. You help many here so if you want to help me, theres a tip. The babying stuff just builds the panic, for some reason.
Hi Kaela:
You are doing a great job - keep it up. I haven't posted to you before, but something Molly wrote to you made me want to give you some perspective on your husband.
Molly wrote (I'm not sure where you wrote this as I didn't see it):
"I have read where you say that you feel by you doing whats healthy & right for you your husband feels as if he is losen control."
This is a VERY common side effect of a loved one of an addict. I know, because I am one. Most loved ones of addicts are what is known as "caretakers" or "rescuers", better known as "co-dependents" and "enablers". As much as the loved one may want more than anything for their addict to stop using and become responsible for themselves, etc., when it actually does start to happen and the addict starts taking control of their own life and responsibilities and their health, the loved one can start to feel very lost and out of control. I'm not explaining it very well, but know that he is also going through a very rough time and try to be patient with him. Maybe he's used to caretaking you through your addiction and now that you are taking the responsbility for that, he is feeling lost and left out.
I may be wrong as I don't know your situation at all, but I thought I would throw in a different perspective.
Keep up the great work! You can do it and you deserve it!
Take care,
Mickey
You are doing a great job - keep it up. I haven't posted to you before, but something Molly wrote to you made me want to give you some perspective on your husband.
Molly wrote (I'm not sure where you wrote this as I didn't see it):
"I have read where you say that you feel by you doing whats healthy & right for you your husband feels as if he is losen control."
This is a VERY common side effect of a loved one of an addict. I know, because I am one. Most loved ones of addicts are what is known as "caretakers" or "rescuers", better known as "co-dependents" and "enablers". As much as the loved one may want more than anything for their addict to stop using and become responsible for themselves, etc., when it actually does start to happen and the addict starts taking control of their own life and responsibilities and their health, the loved one can start to feel very lost and out of control. I'm not explaining it very well, but know that he is also going through a very rough time and try to be patient with him. Maybe he's used to caretaking you through your addiction and now that you are taking the responsbility for that, he is feeling lost and left out.
I may be wrong as I don't know your situation at all, but I thought I would throw in a different perspective.
Keep up the great work! You can do it and you deserve it!
Take care,
Mickey
Fu** your husband Kaela, and your family too for that matter if they can't see what you need right now. You know what you have to do, and no its not easy, but if it were we'd all be clean now wouldn't we?
Cry it out if you have to, then get back to your plan, no cheating allowed.
Redd
Cry it out if you have to, then get back to your plan, no cheating allowed.
Redd
Mickey:
My husband ordered this for me online over a year ago (xanax). I am very wired, naturally so he seemed concerned with how being high strung affected my health. Saying things like "If you don't learn to chill and relax you are going to have a heart attack one day". Also, I had around two full blown panic attacks each day that I would have to sleep afterwards, they drained me. I was use to having atleast one a day so no biggie. I am not mean or bitchy or naggy. I am racy, bouncy, playful, loud, and that is what he would mean by me needed to chill.
Anyway, he got me the pills and I took one and all the bad thoughts and no panic attacks. I was in heaven and so grateful. I could go to dinner with his family now and relax without feeling like I had to put on a show for everyone's entertainment. It was nice. Until the day I ran out recently. Then I realized I am an addict. Upon realizing this, I immediately sought information and God lead me here. I was told of the Ashton Manual, a way to safely taper from Xanax. I have used it with great success, however I am doing the plan WAY too fast. I am going back to 2.5 tomorrow if today doesn't get better. Already dropped from 4 to 2.5 mils in less than 3 weeks. Over trying to be a badass and beat it in record time, yeah that really proves something phhft.
Anyway, back to my husband. Maybe this is just paronoid thinking but the clearer I get the more I wonder if this is a case of: drug her up, shut her up, pass her out, do as I please in the mean time. Could he really be capable of that? He has threatened divorce if I stop altogether. Says he doesn't want a wife that is going to fall out dead from anxiety at 60, he wants someone to get old with and he plans to live forever.
When you said caregiver... you are sooooo right. If he had ihis way about it, I would never get off the couch. LITERALLY. We have been together for 2 years and I have been handed breakfast lunch and dinner EVERY day since the day we got married. He works from home. What is this about? It is a form of control, isn't it? Furthermore, he loves me most when I treat him like a dog, what is that about? If I am nice to him he treats me like I am an annoying idiot. Call him a sonofabitch and he'll bend over backwards for me. Whatta wacko, and I wonder why I am an addict hahaha.
Please shead some light on this behavior. I think there is a word for it, other than a****** uhm..... oh yeah saddistic.
My husband ordered this for me online over a year ago (xanax). I am very wired, naturally so he seemed concerned with how being high strung affected my health. Saying things like "If you don't learn to chill and relax you are going to have a heart attack one day". Also, I had around two full blown panic attacks each day that I would have to sleep afterwards, they drained me. I was use to having atleast one a day so no biggie. I am not mean or bitchy or naggy. I am racy, bouncy, playful, loud, and that is what he would mean by me needed to chill.
Anyway, he got me the pills and I took one and all the bad thoughts and no panic attacks. I was in heaven and so grateful. I could go to dinner with his family now and relax without feeling like I had to put on a show for everyone's entertainment. It was nice. Until the day I ran out recently. Then I realized I am an addict. Upon realizing this, I immediately sought information and God lead me here. I was told of the Ashton Manual, a way to safely taper from Xanax. I have used it with great success, however I am doing the plan WAY too fast. I am going back to 2.5 tomorrow if today doesn't get better. Already dropped from 4 to 2.5 mils in less than 3 weeks. Over trying to be a badass and beat it in record time, yeah that really proves something phhft.
Anyway, back to my husband. Maybe this is just paronoid thinking but the clearer I get the more I wonder if this is a case of: drug her up, shut her up, pass her out, do as I please in the mean time. Could he really be capable of that? He has threatened divorce if I stop altogether. Says he doesn't want a wife that is going to fall out dead from anxiety at 60, he wants someone to get old with and he plans to live forever.
When you said caregiver... you are sooooo right. If he had ihis way about it, I would never get off the couch. LITERALLY. We have been together for 2 years and I have been handed breakfast lunch and dinner EVERY day since the day we got married. He works from home. What is this about? It is a form of control, isn't it? Furthermore, he loves me most when I treat him like a dog, what is that about? If I am nice to him he treats me like I am an annoying idiot. Call him a sonofabitch and he'll bend over backwards for me. Whatta wacko, and I wonder why I am an addict hahaha.
Please shead some light on this behavior. I think there is a word for it, other than a****** uhm..... oh yeah saddistic.
Hi Kaela:
To be honest, he sounds like he is totally trying to fully control you and to have started doing this by ordering you Xanax does actually sound saddistic.
I mean WOW.
It almost sounds like he has tried to change you into something you are not through medicating you.
How you describe yourself sounds like you are (without the drugs) a very upbeat, happy, playful person. So what if you are a little hyper. I can be a little hyper too and I used to be really hyper when I was younger, but I have mellowed out over the years (I'm almost 35 now).
The only thing wrong was the panic attacks that you suffered from. But this is something that you obviously have figured out should be dealt with with a doctor and not by self-medicating. I went through about a year to two years of suffering from bad anxiety attacks (basically every night) when I was about 24 so I know how that feels. I saw a psychologist whose specialty was anxiety and she really helped me. I was on medication at first (Zoloft), but not for long. She gave me behaviours and tools to deal with the anxiety and although it took about a year, then eventually went away.
The fact that you are doing this on your own and taking control of your health is clearly taking all control of you out of your husband's hands. But the control shouldn't be in his hands anyway. It sounds like he may have some insecurity issues that makes him think if he does everything for you and if can control you and your mood, you will never leave him. I don't know - that's just a thought.
I will check in with you tomorrow - I have to go to a funeral and won't be back on until then.
Have a great day and congratulations on getting your life back,
Mickey
To be honest, he sounds like he is totally trying to fully control you and to have started doing this by ordering you Xanax does actually sound saddistic.
I mean WOW.
It almost sounds like he has tried to change you into something you are not through medicating you.
How you describe yourself sounds like you are (without the drugs) a very upbeat, happy, playful person. So what if you are a little hyper. I can be a little hyper too and I used to be really hyper when I was younger, but I have mellowed out over the years (I'm almost 35 now).
The only thing wrong was the panic attacks that you suffered from. But this is something that you obviously have figured out should be dealt with with a doctor and not by self-medicating. I went through about a year to two years of suffering from bad anxiety attacks (basically every night) when I was about 24 so I know how that feels. I saw a psychologist whose specialty was anxiety and she really helped me. I was on medication at first (Zoloft), but not for long. She gave me behaviours and tools to deal with the anxiety and although it took about a year, then eventually went away.
The fact that you are doing this on your own and taking control of your health is clearly taking all control of you out of your husband's hands. But the control shouldn't be in his hands anyway. It sounds like he may have some insecurity issues that makes him think if he does everything for you and if can control you and your mood, you will never leave him. I don't know - that's just a thought.
I will check in with you tomorrow - I have to go to a funeral and won't be back on until then.
Have a great day and congratulations on getting your life back,
Mickey
