Well, my 46 y/o addicted son text today that his car he was living in had wheel bearings go out and it got towed! All he owns is in it. He had two dogs as well and didn't mention them??? He was nasty in the text and said we are a s---t family and we don't care. He said he hopes we have to live like he has for the last year-- even if its for one day. Said this is no joke! I did not respond because the previous text said we never help or give him parental advice!!!
That is the joke because he has been "helped" way too much all his life and we "helped" him into the mess he is in now! I don't respond anymore because he just attacks us verbally and he doesn't want "parental advice" just "parental money"!
It is so mentally wearing and I don't know if he will ever be able to climb up out of the pit he has dug for himself!
I pray everyday for him to change and for him to be saved. I will not contribute to this behavior one day longer and he will have to figure it out or suffer the consequences!
Yes --it is very depressing and upsetting ,but I have too much on my plate right now to deal with a 46 y/0 man that has messed up his life and blames us and everyone else! My husband is getting a pacemaker/defribrillator in a couple weeks and my 15y/o son that is in a wheelchair with spina bifida has a pressure sore I am dealing with. To top it off, my 12 y/o dog has Cushing's disease and probably won't live a lot longer. Not complaining ,just been a lot lately and just needed to vent a little--lol!
Lori
For what it's worth, at this point in my life's journey, I would not have returned his text/call. I gave myself a 6 month break from my son's drama, and I feel much better. I still worry, check the jail rosters, pray he is okay, worry about him, but... I am functioning much better. And I also told him the 6 month break will continue if he isn't clean and sober. The six month time break is set in stone, no matter how much he cleans up his act in that timeframe. But if he doesn't, the break will continue. It was hard, and I am SO glad I did it. Hang in there. He won't do it himself if you are doing it for him. It would be much easier to pay to get his car out but he would not be doing what he needs to, and you would not be helping him.
Hang in there. You have support here.
Sombra
Hang in there. You have support here.
Sombra
Thanks sombra!
I have and will not give in anymore and haven't for almost 7 months now. That is why he is getting desperate--he has never had to do things on his own.
I think your 6 month plan is great and I haven't been answering his texts. He text us that we are the worse parents in the world with many expletives and that he has no family or help! What a joke that is! He has had more help and money from us than any of our other 5 kids! We could have traveled around the world twice with the money we have spent on him.
Anyway I will block him from my phone if he continues to be verbally abusive. I have blocked him from facebook. I also check the jail roster and offender lists cause us moms still worry about them. I may have to stop that as well because it just stresses me out!
Have a great 4th!
((HUGS))) Lori
I have and will not give in anymore and haven't for almost 7 months now. That is why he is getting desperate--he has never had to do things on his own.
I think your 6 month plan is great and I haven't been answering his texts. He text us that we are the worse parents in the world with many expletives and that he has no family or help! What a joke that is! He has had more help and money from us than any of our other 5 kids! We could have traveled around the world twice with the money we have spent on him.
Anyway I will block him from my phone if he continues to be verbally abusive. I have blocked him from facebook. I also check the jail roster and offender lists cause us moms still worry about them. I may have to stop that as well because it just stresses me out!
Have a great 4th!
((HUGS))) Lori
Just got a text that he is living in the woods and hasn't eaten and has hunger pain. Also said he is all bit up from insect bites. Said I have abandoned him.
I text him to go to Salvation Army or Urban Ministries and they help homeless find jobs, rental assistance, and food and clothes. Problem is they are closed till tomorrow at 7 am.
He said he is 8 miles away from them and has no car since his got towed. Never mentioned his two dogs or where they were and they were his excuse before for not going to Salvation Army cause they won't take pets. I didn't ask about them.
It kills me to think of him being in this sad state, but I know he has brought it on himself.
I didn't respond.
It's like he expects us to support him and the car we bought him for the rest of his life at 46 y/o. He acts about 16 y/o!
I pray that he will give his life to God and find his way out of this self-destructive path before it is too late!
Lori
ps. If he is on drugs I can't tell and I know he has no money. He still is nasty to us and it would almost be easier to attribute it to drug behavior than if he is clean!
I text him to go to Salvation Army or Urban Ministries and they help homeless find jobs, rental assistance, and food and clothes. Problem is they are closed till tomorrow at 7 am.
He said he is 8 miles away from them and has no car since his got towed. Never mentioned his two dogs or where they were and they were his excuse before for not going to Salvation Army cause they won't take pets. I didn't ask about them.
It kills me to think of him being in this sad state, but I know he has brought it on himself.
I didn't respond.
It's like he expects us to support him and the car we bought him for the rest of his life at 46 y/o. He acts about 16 y/o!
I pray that he will give his life to God and find his way out of this self-destructive path before it is too late!
Lori
ps. If he is on drugs I can't tell and I know he has no money. He still is nasty to us and it would almost be easier to attribute it to drug behavior than if he is clean!
So I got another text and it was nasty and mean. Said I was a horrible mom and he would flush my ashes down the toilet when I die. He hoped I would suffer and not ever have any help. He said he hoped I enjoyed my comfy life because he f---king hated me.
Needless to say this was the last straw and I cannot tolerate this verbal abuse any longer. I text him back that the problem was that we had helped him too much and for too long and we have enabled him so he cannot stand on his own two feet. We helped him by buying him a car last year thinking once again that he was clean and really trying to get his life in order. I told him how can he expect us to support the vehicle and him when he is no longer a 16 y/o kid, but a 46 y/o adult middle aged man. I told him we have picked up the pieces from all his bad choices and years of battling drug addiction and we will no longer do that. His verbal abuse will not be tolerated and I told him I will not respond to him for 6 months and only if he is clean and got his life on track. I said that is January 2018 and not one minute before!
I am trying Sombra's method because I can't live everyday with a nasty text or wondering when the next one will come. It is way too stressful for me.
I will miss my son ,but not the one he has become and I will still worry about his well being ,but being the one he takes out all his miseries out on is no longer going to happen!
Needed to vent again as I am sitting here bawling my eyes out, I feel like I have done the right thing for this situation. I know most everyone is off for the fourth of July and busy, but writing this helps me.
Thanks--
Lori
Needless to say this was the last straw and I cannot tolerate this verbal abuse any longer. I text him back that the problem was that we had helped him too much and for too long and we have enabled him so he cannot stand on his own two feet. We helped him by buying him a car last year thinking once again that he was clean and really trying to get his life in order. I told him how can he expect us to support the vehicle and him when he is no longer a 16 y/o kid, but a 46 y/o adult middle aged man. I told him we have picked up the pieces from all his bad choices and years of battling drug addiction and we will no longer do that. His verbal abuse will not be tolerated and I told him I will not respond to him for 6 months and only if he is clean and got his life on track. I said that is January 2018 and not one minute before!
I am trying Sombra's method because I can't live everyday with a nasty text or wondering when the next one will come. It is way too stressful for me.
I will miss my son ,but not the one he has become and I will still worry about his well being ,but being the one he takes out all his miseries out on is no longer going to happen!
Needed to vent again as I am sitting here bawling my eyes out, I feel like I have done the right thing for this situation. I know most everyone is off for the fourth of July and busy, but writing this helps me.
Thanks--
Lori
Hi Lori, I'm sorry and I completely understand. Your doing the right thing! Starting tomorrow I have to shut down all communication with my 36 yr old daughter (18 year addict) as I can't take anymore either. Why tomorrow? Because I can't get her to leave my house tonight since she came for the day. I can't call the police because she lies so much to them and I think they are afraid of her. She is in the bedroom sleeping. But tomorrow that bedroom set,mattress the works are going to the dump.I've let my guard down and got too comfortable thinking she was changing and today she has proven me wrong, I don't think she will ever change and I don't know why I keep forgiving her. So your right to do the 6 month thing. I'll see how I feel in six months but for now I'm too angry to even think of speaking to her again. She somehow always directs her anger to me and wants to harm me. I don't know why? She is a coward and a bully and cares about no one but herself. So tomorrow when she leaves to go get her methadone, that will be the door locked and I don't care what the holiday is she's not coming back here again. We have to do what keeps us safe and sane because we are dealing with people who aren't in their right minds most of the time. Also Lori, I'm sorry about your little dog. They give us such love and comfort and ask nothing in return. Sometimes it's good to have a cry. Thinking of you and I'm sorry your so sad tonight too. Maybe doing what Sombre did will give us some peace again. Take care. Mary.
@LOri I am sorry for all that you are dealing with, but as an active addict, my family took a gard line and it took me over a year to even begin to change my behabiors...so there is still hope!
You absolutely did the right thing! Abuse, including verbal abuse i never ok and should never be tolerated. I think your response to him is fantastic and he will have a very lonely 6 months..and hipefully in that time he will make the startling realization (it was startling when I tealized it anyway) that the teason his life is in the toilet is because of him! Always remember we are talking about a middle aged ,am here! You raised 5 kids and the rest have managed to thrive so obviously they had good parenting!
Even if your son had the worlds crappiest upbringing,, it doesn't make him any mpre or less responsible for his own life! The world is filled with stories of those who grew up in horrendous situations who have become successful, kind and filled with generocity! At 45 the mommy and daddy excuse holds no water!!!
You are all doing what is hard, but neccessary! While my family was in no way responsible for my addiction, when they put their foot down it made it that much harder for the illness to flourish! It also doesn't matter if he is using or not..je is behaving like and addoct and as I have said on here many times addiction has very little to do with the substance and EVERYTHING to do with our behaviors and thoughts!
I am sorry for all the chaos, but hopefully on day it will be a distant memory. I was active for almost 20 years and have found recovery. When I look back at how I was behaving four years ago I want to cringe! Thank God it is behind me now! Hopefully soon it will be behind you too!
You absolutely did the right thing! Abuse, including verbal abuse i never ok and should never be tolerated. I think your response to him is fantastic and he will have a very lonely 6 months..and hipefully in that time he will make the startling realization (it was startling when I tealized it anyway) that the teason his life is in the toilet is because of him! Always remember we are talking about a middle aged ,am here! You raised 5 kids and the rest have managed to thrive so obviously they had good parenting!
Even if your son had the worlds crappiest upbringing,, it doesn't make him any mpre or less responsible for his own life! The world is filled with stories of those who grew up in horrendous situations who have become successful, kind and filled with generocity! At 45 the mommy and daddy excuse holds no water!!!
You are all doing what is hard, but neccessary! While my family was in no way responsible for my addiction, when they put their foot down it made it that much harder for the illness to flourish! It also doesn't matter if he is using or not..je is behaving like and addoct and as I have said on here many times addiction has very little to do with the substance and EVERYTHING to do with our behaviors and thoughts!
I am sorry for all the chaos, but hopefully on day it will be a distant memory. I was active for almost 20 years and have found recovery. When I look back at how I was behaving four years ago I want to cringe! Thank God it is behind me now! Hopefully soon it will be behind you too!
lolleedee--
You are so right and this may take a long time. So difficult for me as well because I feel like I am going through withdrawal!!!
He text me twice saying he" needs help--omg I need help please!" I did not respond and he tried calling with unknown number 4 times in 1 hour. I did not answer. Breaks my heart!! He also text his old GF and asked her to take his two dogs and said he had lost his car and everything in it. She did not respond as she has moved on with her life, has a good job, nice BF, etc. My son treated her like crap.
I am scared of what he will do next or what will happen to him since he is so desperate????
I trust God and I know He's got this! Just not the way I would have liked it all to come down---
Lori
You are so right and this may take a long time. So difficult for me as well because I feel like I am going through withdrawal!!!
He text me twice saying he" needs help--omg I need help please!" I did not respond and he tried calling with unknown number 4 times in 1 hour. I did not answer. Breaks my heart!! He also text his old GF and asked her to take his two dogs and said he had lost his car and everything in it. She did not respond as she has moved on with her life, has a good job, nice BF, etc. My son treated her like crap.
I am scared of what he will do next or what will happen to him since he is so desperate????
I trust God and I know He's got this! Just not the way I would have liked it all to come down---
Lori
@Lori..I know it's killing you with this desperate pleading he is doing, but keep firm! You told him in your previous text that you are disengaging from him for six months. He obviously is not good with boundries, because he is stepping all over the ones you have laid down!
One thing that might really illustrate this to him is every time he sends you one of these texts, resend the exact same one you sent that said you were no longer going to enable him and that you are disengaging for 6 months. If he sends a text that is nasy, resend the same text. I would respond to any text he sends, if he is begging for help, cussing you out, complaining about his life, etc. Just keep resending THE EXACT SAME TEXT! Do not change the wording, just keep hitting resend. It will probably aggravate the hell out of him, but when someone responds to our pleas with the same exact answer no matter how much we spin our situation it sometimes dawns on us that not only are our family members serious and holding their bottom line, but it puts the responsibility for our life back on us where it belongs. When he truly is alone and no one, including you, his ex etc are in his life anymore, he will have no choice but to figure it out.
Do not feel guilty for one minute! I heard someone on here post that when we are adults, our parents do not owe us anything. You have raised him and now he has to do the rest. A middle aged man needs to step up.
I have a question. Is there a reason why he doesn't work? Is he unable to find work or does he have trouble keeping work? Did he finish school? Did he ever work consistently in his life? I am just curious...if that is too nosey and personal, ignore that question! lol
Anyway, stand firm. You deserve to live a peaceful life, free from verbal abuse and the stress of his behavior. As a parent, most of us wouldn't put up with that behavior from a teenager so there is no reason to put up with it from a middle aged man! Hang tough! You are doing great even though it feels not so great at the moment!
One thing that might really illustrate this to him is every time he sends you one of these texts, resend the exact same one you sent that said you were no longer going to enable him and that you are disengaging for 6 months. If he sends a text that is nasy, resend the same text. I would respond to any text he sends, if he is begging for help, cussing you out, complaining about his life, etc. Just keep resending THE EXACT SAME TEXT! Do not change the wording, just keep hitting resend. It will probably aggravate the hell out of him, but when someone responds to our pleas with the same exact answer no matter how much we spin our situation it sometimes dawns on us that not only are our family members serious and holding their bottom line, but it puts the responsibility for our life back on us where it belongs. When he truly is alone and no one, including you, his ex etc are in his life anymore, he will have no choice but to figure it out.
Do not feel guilty for one minute! I heard someone on here post that when we are adults, our parents do not owe us anything. You have raised him and now he has to do the rest. A middle aged man needs to step up.
I have a question. Is there a reason why he doesn't work? Is he unable to find work or does he have trouble keeping work? Did he finish school? Did he ever work consistently in his life? I am just curious...if that is too nosey and personal, ignore that question! lol
Anyway, stand firm. You deserve to live a peaceful life, free from verbal abuse and the stress of his behavior. As a parent, most of us wouldn't put up with that behavior from a teenager so there is no reason to put up with it from a middle aged man! Hang tough! You are doing great even though it feels not so great at the moment!
Lolleedee
He got a GED. Never would go to school--skipped all the time--got in trouble with theft. Sent him to military academy and he got straight A's for a year and was captain of his firing squad. Then all of a sudden wanted to go to co-ed school so went to co-ed military academy where his friend went but only lasted 6 months and then refused to come out of his room or go to classes. School discharged him. Tried him in private school at home but got in trouble there and was kicked out so quit at age 16. Was all down hill from there with thefts and drugs.
He has had numerous jobs(some good ones we got him thru friends) but never lasted long. Does tattoos on the side(quit all the tattoo jobs in reputable shops). He is very good artist and does really well when he isn't stoned.
Never had any long term relationships with women either--always treats them like crap and then steals from them or their kids. Has stolen from every family member that tried to help him. Has been in prison 2 times for 2 yrs. each for theft and drugs.
I think he has mental issues along with his drug abuse like a defiant disorder or bipolar????
No-- not to nosy--you are a big help to me!!!
(((Hugs))) Lori
ps. I will not relent cause nothing else has worked and I have to escape this drama and stress! I am way to old for all this anymore!!!
He got a GED. Never would go to school--skipped all the time--got in trouble with theft. Sent him to military academy and he got straight A's for a year and was captain of his firing squad. Then all of a sudden wanted to go to co-ed school so went to co-ed military academy where his friend went but only lasted 6 months and then refused to come out of his room or go to classes. School discharged him. Tried him in private school at home but got in trouble there and was kicked out so quit at age 16. Was all down hill from there with thefts and drugs.
He has had numerous jobs(some good ones we got him thru friends) but never lasted long. Does tattoos on the side(quit all the tattoo jobs in reputable shops). He is very good artist and does really well when he isn't stoned.
Never had any long term relationships with women either--always treats them like crap and then steals from them or their kids. Has stolen from every family member that tried to help him. Has been in prison 2 times for 2 yrs. each for theft and drugs.
I think he has mental issues along with his drug abuse like a defiant disorder or bipolar????
No-- not to nosy--you are a big help to me!!!
(((Hugs))) Lori
ps. I will not relent cause nothing else has worked and I have to escape this drama and stress! I am way to old for all this anymore!!!
Hi Everyone,
That's exactly how my parent's must have felt about me. I was 30 year old raging pill/alcoholic addict. I was not an adult and relied on my parents to bail me out of every situation. My parents were so fed up of my lies and deceit i feel like they just had given up. I think it's good that you guys don't succumb to the manipulation of your guy's children anymore. My parent's gave me one more shot at a program and luckily i was desperate enough to take it. it was different than N.A. and A.A. but they also told me that this was the final straw and i knew they were done. I think all of you are very brave and i commend you for your strength. Reading these comments and post makes me realize the duress and worry i put my on parents and it saddens me deeply to think of how badly they must have worried.
That's exactly how my parent's must have felt about me. I was 30 year old raging pill/alcoholic addict. I was not an adult and relied on my parents to bail me out of every situation. My parents were so fed up of my lies and deceit i feel like they just had given up. I think it's good that you guys don't succumb to the manipulation of your guy's children anymore. My parent's gave me one more shot at a program and luckily i was desperate enough to take it. it was different than N.A. and A.A. but they also told me that this was the final straw and i knew they were done. I think all of you are very brave and i commend you for your strength. Reading these comments and post makes me realize the duress and worry i put my on parents and it saddens me deeply to think of how badly they must have worried.
Nicole,
Congrats on your recovery. I think we all take our parents for granted, on some level. And, we all reflect on it later in life.
Thank you for your post. It was very nice to read. And, encouraging; hope! :)
Congrats on your recovery. I think we all take our parents for granted, on some level. And, we all reflect on it later in life.
Thank you for your post. It was very nice to read. And, encouraging; hope! :)
Lori,
So glad you are getting tougher on him! Truth is you don't know if he is in the woods or couch surfing again. There are so many places for him to go for help. All he has to do is go. J is doing ok. He is struggling with meetings, he is having server anxiety and can't be around people. He is afraid of the addicts he is living with at this rehab, which I might say he put himself in. He knows it's is last chance. We will see. He started using meth in Jan and since then has had a mental break.
Stay strong woman, and praying for a speedy recovery for both your son, and husband. Big hugs to your fur baby xxxx
Sue
So glad you are getting tougher on him! Truth is you don't know if he is in the woods or couch surfing again. There are so many places for him to go for help. All he has to do is go. J is doing ok. He is struggling with meetings, he is having server anxiety and can't be around people. He is afraid of the addicts he is living with at this rehab, which I might say he put himself in. He knows it's is last chance. We will see. He started using meth in Jan and since then has had a mental break.
Stay strong woman, and praying for a speedy recovery for both your son, and husband. Big hugs to your fur baby xxxx
Sue
