Spouse Lacks Comittment To Recovery

My fiancee, Sarah, had just been released from a in patient recovery program. Promises were made not to walk the same muddy path again. People, places, and things were to be avoided. We went to open meetings together when possible. I was as supportive as could be through this whole process. I knew nothing about drugs and addictions. I am a very light drinker and the only thing I am addicted to is Sarah. My best friend and my soulmate. Cocaine, pot and alcohol was her 3 headed monster. Six months after her release we were married. She had 4 slips just a few weeks prior to our wedding day. Right after our marriage she really changed. The meetings stopped and she lost her sponsor. About once a month she would go out with girlfriends and stay out until the sun rises. I would need to call her cell phone to find out where she is at. This happened 3 more times in the next 4 months. She knows how hurtful it is to me when she stays out and bar hops and ends up at a hotel or a girlfriends house instead of her coming home at a decent time. She says she is not doing anything wrong. I am the one who is wrong for even questioning her. I think she is back using again and there is nothing I can do about it. She denies all of it and blames me for everything and she is a very good liar. She refuses counceling. She has turned my life upside down and inside out. I filed for a divorce 3 days ago. Our family/Marriage councelor said that was the right choice since she is struggling with her recovery. That was the most difficult day of my life. Tim
Tim,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this, you made the right choice. Until she is ready to make the commitment to getting clean you are totally helpless. As much as you want to help her you can't do it for her. And the blameing you, and all the lies are just normal behavior for an addict. I wouldn't believe for a minute that she was out with her "girlfriends" all night either. Addiction is such horrible thing, for the addict and we who love the addict. It ruins their lives, our lives and the lives of children. You will find much needed support here, keep reading and posting. Educate yourself as much as you can about crack and you will eventually come to an understanding, even if you are never able to rationalize it. Take care of you!!
Thank you so much for your response. I am an emotional wreck. I miss my wife so very much. I understand that she cannot be here as long as she neglects her recovery. She can come up with many excuses to avoid going to a meeting. Sad thing is I am so very willing to go to any meeting with her, any time anywhere and yet she does not ask me. I have never told her that she must go to a meeting or she needs to find a sponsor. I have never told her where she can and cannot go. She is too eager to go to a bar for the evening and tell me she is just the designated driver. Yeah right. She has absolutely no common sence and she is also battling from depression and a chemical imbalance. She is a good person, inside and out. She is beautiful, rather stunning, but I don't understand how she rationalizes from right and wrong. Is she not thinking or does she just not care that there are consequences for her actions. She hit rock bottom one year ago. She does not think about how much she hurts her loved ones around her. Why? She makes me feel so guilty ( she is very good at it) and I have done nothing but be supportive of her. Will write more later. Tim
Will she ever realize that what she is doing is wrong? How long can this go on? Does coke make a person very horny? What are the odds of her being faithful? I think she will lose me rather than get help and admit to any wrong doing. Any comments? Have a great day. Tim
Will she ever realize that what she is doing is wrong?

Yes, when she is clean, or when she is ready to give up she may start to realise. Deep down she will probably knows it is wrong. The drugs are controlling her life now, so she may not be acting rationally in some situations. When i was using i didnt give a damm about anyone or anyhting, as long as i got my hit. It will be the same for her probably.

How long can this go on?

Until she says she has a drug problem and would like to seek help.

Does coke make a person very horny?

yes

What are the odds of her being faithful?

If she has a high sex drive then possibly, but hard to comment.


I think she will lose me rather than get help and admit to any wrong doing. Any comments?

How long have you been with her? If you have invested a long time or have children then maybe worth staying, otherwise may be easier to move on. Remember addiction is a disease.

Good luck
being horney was central to my coke intake,,,, i would score then go ofvc and live my horney fanatsis. There is a link with some coke users and sex, i should know.. and im not proud of it...it ends up shallow and irrelevant.... it basicly affects the dopamine levels and the woughhhhh ther you go on a horn mission. The caveat being that its not true for everyone. Try generating a thread on sex + coke, bcos there is a relationship
i think this depends on how she is using it. i have never seen someone who smoked crack to care about sex, only about getting another hit. and while u are using, u are using, consequences only come later on. above all u must take care of u. i went thru this with my husband and it was only until he admitted he had a problem that we could start to do something about it and let me tell u he treated me horribly so i started just taking care of me and finally he came around.
Guest_guest,

That is awesome... How is your husband doing now??? And how are you doing??? How long has he been clean??? And what did he do to get clean??? Sorry about all the questions....... I like to hear a possible success story... My boyfriend is getting out of in-patient rehab tommorow.. I am nervous..... We live 500 miles apart and I refused to desert him, even when most would have..... He is coming to see me next week and we are quite happy about it... I talked to him last night and he said it's all he's thought about..... That's a good thing... It means he's not thinking about drugs.......

How long did your husband use before stopping???

I wish you both tons of happiness and tons of luck also...... Thanx for your story.......