Hi Everyone. I am new to this life and this forum. My husband was an addict 20 years ago, before we met. In the past year he has started using again due to his dr prescribing him pain pills and he thought he could handle it and it couldn't. I have so much guilt, anger, sadness, the whole thing. We have been married for 7 years and have two beautiful children and I do want to stay married to the man he was before, not the one he has become in the past year. I cry every night over what I should be doing and how I can help him. The final straw was I could him red handed last Friday. He asked me to call his dad to take him to a detox center. He has been there since. I saw him briefly yesterday and we both just cried and hugged. Will I ever get that trust back we once had? He has cleaned out our bank account(I took him off it last week) and basically has left me managing our house alone while he was out selling things to make money to get his next fix. I am hoping this is his rock bottom, b/c it is mine. I can't keep my kids in this environment. They love their dad so much but who he has turned into is just heartbreaking to me. Anyone have any advice? I will be attending my first Nar-non meeting on Thursday but I just feel so alone and ashamed. Thanks
Hi Kelli, and welcome - first off you are far from alone, though you may feel that way right now - Naranon is a very smart move you will get alot of help, support and advice there - you nailed it when you mentioned trust - how do you trust an addict again - there is no simple answer to this - it really depends on your husbands behaviour - recovery is not easy - it takes hard work and commitment and only the addict themselves can do this- you cannot fix him no matter how hard you try or how much you want to - he has to decide whether he wants to stay clean - he will need to work at this, daily - thats what it takes - he has lost your trust, understandably and this may take along time to re-establish, if ever.
i wish there was an easy answer to give you, i know it took the people around me along time to trust me again when i entered recovery- i had to demonstrate to them that i could be trusted again - it took alot of work on both sides - honestly only time will tell - he will have to stay sober - you need to establish some boundaries to protect yourself and your children- this must be your priority - Naranon will help with this in a big way- good people there- it will be very hard for you but these are the people who have been through what you are going through right now- you will also get help and support here so post anytime for support or advice- YOU must be the priority now - offer your husband support, sure - but do not enable him- this will not help in the long term- set your boundaries and stick to them- he must realise there will be consequences if he choses to use drugs again- you need all the support you can get right now- it would be good if you had a trusted friend or family member to confide in- YOU owe it to YOURSELF and your KIDS to put your needs first, not your husbands- he must do this for himself- only an addict can decide to stay clean- addiction is a selfish disease - i really hope he makes the right decisions - i wish you all the best- keep reaching out for support -
i wish there was an easy answer to give you, i know it took the people around me along time to trust me again when i entered recovery- i had to demonstrate to them that i could be trusted again - it took alot of work on both sides - honestly only time will tell - he will have to stay sober - you need to establish some boundaries to protect yourself and your children- this must be your priority - Naranon will help with this in a big way- good people there- it will be very hard for you but these are the people who have been through what you are going through right now- you will also get help and support here so post anytime for support or advice- YOU must be the priority now - offer your husband support, sure - but do not enable him- this will not help in the long term- set your boundaries and stick to them- he must realise there will be consequences if he choses to use drugs again- you need all the support you can get right now- it would be good if you had a trusted friend or family member to confide in- YOU owe it to YOURSELF and your KIDS to put your needs first, not your husbands- he must do this for himself- only an addict can decide to stay clean- addiction is a selfish disease - i really hope he makes the right decisions - i wish you all the best- keep reaching out for support -
The folks at Nar-Anon will help you get your life back.
You need to make some changes in your life .. in the way you think. They will help you.
I heard it said that the addict is addicted to the substance.
The Nar-Anon is addicted to the addict.
You will see the truth in that statement as you progress in recovery.
All the best.
Bob R
You need to make some changes in your life .. in the way you think. They will help you.
I heard it said that the addict is addicted to the substance.
The Nar-Anon is addicted to the addict.
You will see the truth in that statement as you progress in recovery.
All the best.
Bob R
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I am trying to take it day by day. I did set the boundaries where if he does go back to using I have to do what is best for our kids and I would need to leave. It sounds so harsh but I am sticking by him, praying and hoping everyday that he can beat this. I am ready to fight this battle with him. But you are right, I have to do something for myself. I have been so wrapped up in this for so long. I have my first Nar-non meeting on Thursday night. I will definitely keep you posted. Lucky I have a very supportive family and his mother and father have been amazing. It still doesn't take away the guilt I feel. I know trust will come back into our relationship eventually but right now I feel like I could have stopped this. I could have been more supportive when he told me he felt useless (that is when he started using). I am so glad I found this group. I am sorry to sound so whiny and needy but I have tried to remain strong for so long that I feel like I can't anymore. The man he was, was my soulmate. The man he became was someone I didn't even want to be around. He gets a 10 min phone call every night after dinner and he calls me and I make sure I put the kids on(they think he is on a business trip) and then him and I get to talk. He isn't begging to come home. He told me he feels good and mentally strong but at the same time, is that just some bs he is throwing at me? UGH-I hate every moment of this. I am glad to have all of you. Makes me feel less alone:)
Hi Kelly - first off YOU have nothing to feel guilty about - you could not have stopped him from using - once an addict crosses that line in our heads, nothing nor no-one will change our minds we are going to use - thats the truth of it - so there is no point in beating yourself up about it- you could not have stopped him - trust me i have been there and done it - you do need to be wary of the promises that are made in early recovery- its very easy to make those promises when you are in a safe enviroment - just be careful - actions speak louder than words- you will get good advice at the Nar-Anon meeting- good people- your support will be important for him - but at the end of the day he has to do this for HIM- he needs to want it really bad - its hard, but can be done-
i really hope you guys make it, but remember look out for you first- he needs to put his recovery before everything and you need to put your welfare before his - all the best- keep posting- we will give you all the help and support we can - best of luck-
i really hope you guys make it, but remember look out for you first- he needs to put his recovery before everything and you need to put your welfare before his - all the best- keep posting- we will give you all the help and support we can - best of luck-
Thank you Travelin' Man! I go to my first meeting tomorrow night so I will keep you posted. I just wish I could make everything back the way it was. I do feel guilty that my kids had to be around him when he was high. They don't deserve that. I think that is what kills me the most.
Hi Kelli ,
good luck with your meeting- you should meet alot of good people there - all the best
good luck with your meeting- you should meet alot of good people there - all the best
Hi Kelli ,
hope you are doing ok and the meeting was useful for you - let us know how you are getting on - all the best -
hope you are doing ok and the meeting was useful for you - let us know how you are getting on - all the best -
Thanks so much for checking in. The meeting went well. In the fact, I realize all these emotions I feel are normal. I need to stick to my bottom line with him. But last night he was not happy at all. He called to say hi to the kids then told me that he would resent me forever and would never forgive myself or his family. I told him he went willingly and wanted to go and he says he does not want to touch that stuff ever again but feels his treatment should end today not Tuesday. I told him his father would not pick him up till Tuesday and he just said he hated me and hung up on me. He then apparently called his father saying the same things. We figured out during the day he is pleasant and in a good place mentally, it is at night where he flips out. Honestly that phone call set me back. It really got to me. I know I shouldn't let it but it did. I am not expecting an apology but I do expect a little respect for trying to hold this family together. Makes me nervous that he is just going through the motions of this detox so he can get out as fast as possible. I did set him up with an outpatient facility for Wednesday morning but right now when I talk to him I try to talk about everyday life over his yelling and ranting. I am just so emotionally drained. I know this isn't about me and this is his addiction talking but it is still so rough.
Hi Kelli,
Glad that the meeting went well - as for your husbands behaviour, i know there are many that put it down to the disease(addiction) and let it go- i dont hold with this view point- we are still responsible for our actions whether in active addiction or clean and sober- i believe in accountability - i hope you heard about looking after YOU in all this, at the meeting - it can be really wearing having to deal with all this on top of everyday life stuff-
i would be a bit concerned about his wanting to quit rehab early- it's generally not a good sign- it is good that you and his father are at one with dealing with this- you need all the help and support you can get just now- hopefully he will stay on track when he is finished in rehab - but you must be prepared for the fact that relapse is pretty common in early recovery (sorry) but whatever choice he makes, remember you are not responsible, he must decide he wants to stay clean- stick to your boundaries and tap into the meetings and the people there for advice and support- keep posting and reaching out - wishing you all the best-
Glad that the meeting went well - as for your husbands behaviour, i know there are many that put it down to the disease(addiction) and let it go- i dont hold with this view point- we are still responsible for our actions whether in active addiction or clean and sober- i believe in accountability - i hope you heard about looking after YOU in all this, at the meeting - it can be really wearing having to deal with all this on top of everyday life stuff-
i would be a bit concerned about his wanting to quit rehab early- it's generally not a good sign- it is good that you and his father are at one with dealing with this- you need all the help and support you can get just now- hopefully he will stay on track when he is finished in rehab - but you must be prepared for the fact that relapse is pretty common in early recovery (sorry) but whatever choice he makes, remember you are not responsible, he must decide he wants to stay clean- stick to your boundaries and tap into the meetings and the people there for advice and support- keep posting and reaching out - wishing you all the best-
Kelli- I feel like we are in the same boat in many ways. My husband is in treatment too and some days I think, "when will he stop blaming everyone else?". Isn't it part of the program they work to make amends is what I think bc many days it feels like he's still blaming everyone else. This has started to ease up and I see hm beginning to feel remorse but it took weeks. While we have only been together a few years, I was clueless as to his heroin use. I guess what i'm saying is feel free to contact me and maybe we can be a good support system for each other. My daughter just turned 6 months old. How is this my life?? I ask myself that constantly. I just had to set boundaries though and stand by them. I hope things get easier for you.
All I can say is I totally sympathize with you. I am a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 3 years. I that time I have lost both of my parents and I feel like I'm watching my husband kill himself. For the past year I have used almost all the money my parents left me to help with bills, mortgage etc. I would see over the counter withdrawals, and seeing as it shows me the check and signature I know it was my husband. He denied it, said he was putting the money back into the joint account (we have separate accounts so he has money he just uses my inheritance)...I mumble, I'm sorry. Everyday for the past year I have been going to work as a preschool teacher, I'm gone all day, sometimes people would be here when I got home, sometimes not but always my husband would be in his pajamas, on his IPAD knodding off. If he wasn't doing that he was in the bathroom with a story after story of why he was taking so long. It's like he can be so lively with his friends, locked in a bathroom upstairs...claiming he's helping them by teaching them to smoke methadone instead of opiates. I am not stupid. I have found the foils, the numerous baggies, he keeps pill bottles empty hidden everywhere. For the past year I have spent at least 50% of my weekends helping him withdraw...all the while he was having people drop off stuff to him or he would wait until I left for work Monday morning start up again and call me crazy if I suggested otherwise. I have spent 100% of my time worrying about him, am I going to find him dead??, neglecting myself! isolating myself trying to help he doesn't'to want any of my friends or family over. He has become the master manipulator. I do not know this man. Also before I found out this is what was going on, we have been trying to get pregnant. He has a son (he is about to lose custody of due to the fact that his son doesn't want to come around because his dad is always in the bathroom, always asleep, etc.) . I am 35 and we have been trying for 5 years. It took him a year to go to the have his sperm tested and since the results have come back 3 months ago he still hasn't made an appointment with the urologist. In June I resigned and found out he hasn't been working in months, he would lie to me say he was meeting someone and either that person would show up looking for him , or that person would text me saying they haven't seen him in 2 weeks. I can't even get him to make a phone call to handle a TV installation....I have had his mom over one night when it had spread to huffing inhalants as well (which that was causing him to pass out standing up- causing him to smack his head on the side of the bathroom counter,....she came over very worried. She called his dad who has been in the AA program for over 20 years and he wouldn't do anything. The week before July 4th was the 50th "detox" week and I really felt he was doing it. I didn't leave the house for over a week. All throughout that week I would have to check him when he was sleeping for fear that he was dead because I had already said his name loudly numerous times or shaken him. I found myself sitting on the floor on July 4th at the foot of his recliner crying and thinking....I really hope my parents aren't looking down and seeing this right now. I feel so alone...I know I did the isolation to myself...but I do not know who this man is. He used to be honest....all most too much so and I have caught him lying red handed and boy doesn't he know how to lie, I mean I do too....but I literally don't trust a single word that comes out of his mouth. Now he is in the throws of a child support bAttle with his child's mom and he said he is going to have to smoke methadone to be on "his A game." He doesn't even try to hide the foils anymore....I cry everyday. I have been thinking that he's lying to me and last night a friend of his who is getting the nudge from the judge to go to rehab Sunday pulled me aside in one of My husbands states of unconsciousness and asked me what I was going to do about my husband. I got what little truth he knew, he had been doing heroine with him for 3 days straight, had seen him doing it times before and after. He made me promise not to say it came from him. In bed last night I just said " I feel with every fiber of my being that you are using. I'm not saying everyday but I really feel like you are smoking heroine and methadone and mixing those with adderoll and Xanax. Please help. I know he needs to go to rehab, I know his son doesn't need to be raised fully by his mom with all of her own issues with her husband (who is locked up for dealing) and other kids, I know I deserve to have kids, I know that no kid would be safe here .....please please help
Hi Whiz ,
like me you are a recovering alcoholic, congratulations on three years- you know you are in a dangerous place, living with an addict in active addiction - i'm going to be brutally honest- get the hell out of there - there is nothing there for you - you are endangering your sobriety - you know you are not responsible for your husbands addiction - he has to decide to quit- from what you said he has no intention of quiting- why should he - your paying for everything - he is sitting around using with his buddies while you work and pay the bills - get out of there- take what is left of your money and go somewhere safe- family member, trusted friend and start worrying about you - you owe that to yourself - look where you have come from - what you have achieved - 3 years sober - dont let him drag you back into addiction - you are worth more than that - look out for you - he must find his own path as you had to - to get sober-
as you know we(addicts) all lie, cheat, steal and manipulate everyone and every situation to get what we want while in active addiction - he is manipulating you into enabling his addiction - look out for you and leave, maybe it will be the trigger for him to face his demons and reach out for help - until he does - you dont need to be there - you gotta take care of you - sorry if i sound harsh - but you know how easy it can be to get dragged back into the world of addiction - take care of you - all the best
like me you are a recovering alcoholic, congratulations on three years- you know you are in a dangerous place, living with an addict in active addiction - i'm going to be brutally honest- get the hell out of there - there is nothing there for you - you are endangering your sobriety - you know you are not responsible for your husbands addiction - he has to decide to quit- from what you said he has no intention of quiting- why should he - your paying for everything - he is sitting around using with his buddies while you work and pay the bills - get out of there- take what is left of your money and go somewhere safe- family member, trusted friend and start worrying about you - you owe that to yourself - look where you have come from - what you have achieved - 3 years sober - dont let him drag you back into addiction - you are worth more than that - look out for you - he must find his own path as you had to - to get sober-
as you know we(addicts) all lie, cheat, steal and manipulate everyone and every situation to get what we want while in active addiction - he is manipulating you into enabling his addiction - look out for you and leave, maybe it will be the trigger for him to face his demons and reach out for help - until he does - you dont need to be there - you gotta take care of you - sorry if i sound harsh - but you know how easy it can be to get dragged back into the world of addiction - take care of you - all the best
Viola, Whiz and Travelin' Man-I think we can all be there for eachother. By Friday he calmed down and stated he no longer wanted to leave. Our conversations have been somewhat normal as they can be. But last night I did tell him how his disease didn't just affect him. He didn't like that comment and I have been trying to not sound like I was nagging him but it just came out. I think it was for me. I needed to say it. He is getting discharged tomorrow and his outpatient treatment starts Wednesday. I cry myself to sleep every night, yes, still feeling guilty when I know I shouldn't. I just want him to want to get better. He keeps telling me mentally he has this beat and he will never go back to this. I pray that this is the truth. I pray he sees our two kids tomorrow and it breaks his heart what he has put them through. I pray he starts to become the man I married. That is all I have left is prayer and hope. And I am so nervous about him coming home tomorrow. So nervous. I will keep everyone posted and honestly I love this group chat. Makes me feel less alone in this:)
Everything went great yesterday! He looks so healthy and just the look in his eye I knew he was back. He completely is committed to staying sober. He keeps saying he has too much to lose at this point. So today, is the first day in almost a year that I actually feel like the weight of the world isn't on my shoulder's. I actually feel happy. It has been so long. And I know it's day by day but today, I just want to smile and enjoy the happiness.
Hi Kelli
i am glad for you, i really hope things work out for you guys - all the best -
i am glad for you, i really hope things work out for you guys - all the best -
Thanks Travelin' Man! Today was another good day, so far. I am having trouble keeping it day by day but I will just have to due what I need to do. He actually went back to doing physical activity and the kids are just over the moon. I just hope it lasts
Hi Kelli
i hope things are going ok for you guys - all the best
i hope things are going ok for you guys - all the best
Hi Travelin' Man! Thanks for checking in. It is going ok. we are fighting over stupid little things that mean nothing but I feel it's his way of having somewhat control since he is not in control of anything else. His mother is driving me insane b/c she thinks I need to be more sensitive to his needs. HIS NEEDS? He wasn't in this alone. I hid his secret. I was an enabler. And just the fact that she has me thinking I cannot voice an opinion is just driving further apart. When do I get to be angry? When do I get to tell my story. I know I sound so selfish but I think her asking me to bottle my feelings is worse!
Hi Kelli
i can understand the rows, he will be edgy but that doesent give him permission to take it out on you - he needs to realise who is in his corner - as for his mom jasus, thats all you need, fussing over "her poor little boy" - some people have no clue- the best thing she could do is get back on her broomstick and get the f... outta town - as you can tell, i have a real soft spot for mothers in law !!!!!! aaaaggghhhhhh -anyway it's going to be tough for you guys it will take time for things to settle down and for you to start rebuilding your lives together- dont lose sight of you in all this- you have every right to let fly at times- it's natural- trust me everyone walking on eggshells around him will not do him any favours - life needs to be as normal as possible while not ignoring the elephant in the room, no not the mother in law- you know what i mean-
he will be feeling guilty and probably not sure what to do or say to make things right , he has to learn to deal with this day by day - we all have good days and bad days- but he needs to remember that he has to consider your needs as well - you have suffered just as much, if not more- alot of addicts do not realise this until it is too late -
one very important thing you need to remember is if he does relapse it will not be because of anything you or anyone else does or says, no matter what he tells you - it will be his decision - hopefully it wont happen - but if he does and he tries to blame you or anyone else it's BS -
he will have made his mind up to relapse long before and will just be looking for an excuse to rationalise it in his own mind- he has to learn to deal with life's up's and down's without turning to alcohol / drugs, this is the hardest part for us addicts to get on top off- hopefully he will realise this early on and things will be fine for both of you - wishing you all the best -
i can understand the rows, he will be edgy but that doesent give him permission to take it out on you - he needs to realise who is in his corner - as for his mom jasus, thats all you need, fussing over "her poor little boy" - some people have no clue- the best thing she could do is get back on her broomstick and get the f... outta town - as you can tell, i have a real soft spot for mothers in law !!!!!! aaaaggghhhhhh -anyway it's going to be tough for you guys it will take time for things to settle down and for you to start rebuilding your lives together- dont lose sight of you in all this- you have every right to let fly at times- it's natural- trust me everyone walking on eggshells around him will not do him any favours - life needs to be as normal as possible while not ignoring the elephant in the room, no not the mother in law- you know what i mean-
he will be feeling guilty and probably not sure what to do or say to make things right , he has to learn to deal with this day by day - we all have good days and bad days- but he needs to remember that he has to consider your needs as well - you have suffered just as much, if not more- alot of addicts do not realise this until it is too late -
one very important thing you need to remember is if he does relapse it will not be because of anything you or anyone else does or says, no matter what he tells you - it will be his decision - hopefully it wont happen - but if he does and he tries to blame you or anyone else it's BS -
he will have made his mind up to relapse long before and will just be looking for an excuse to rationalise it in his own mind- he has to learn to deal with life's up's and down's without turning to alcohol / drugs, this is the hardest part for us addicts to get on top off- hopefully he will realise this early on and things will be fine for both of you - wishing you all the best -
