Well, I did it..... I finally admitted that this addiction is much bigger than I am (since I am almost a midget, that's not hard...lol)
Most of you already know my story...... The longest I have had clean was 2 1/2 months (then I relapsed in November/December). I quit again in December & was clean for a week or two, then relapsed again. Each relapse was definitely because I truly was in pain and needed relief, but as soon as I felt that high, that euphoria, then I was taking the pills for mental reasons as well.
Friday night, I cried to my husband and told him that I'm trying so hard, but I'm losing this battle. He has been wonderful and I hate what I've put him through. He didn't sign up for this.... He wanted for me to quit the pain pills without getting on something else - he hates how antidepressants "numb" me & suboxone is so new, all he can think is that it's like methadone and is going to screw me up even worse.....
But Friday I told him that I couldn't do this alone..... I've tried, but I can't. And I really DO want a normal life back, to get off of this merry-go-round.
I went 12-24 hours between doses all weekend, stayed in bed all day (my husband watched our son so I could rest)..... felt crappy, but wasn't in real withdrawals because I would take 4 Norco in each dose.... So, before 24 hours was up, I'd take some more & be okay.
Then it was the moment of truth- I was out of pills and I had to decide if I should call my doctor & make up a story as to why I needed the pills or if I should get started on sub.....
I found a doctor in my area & she had an opening..... I almost backed out, though, when she told me it was $400 for the first visit and I would have to pay that up front - my insurance would have to reimburse me. I was so upset that I really considered just going to my pain doctor and getting back on the Norco....
But I didn't..... The new doc wanted me to wait until tomorrow to start the sub because she didn't think I was in real withdrawals yet (you have to be in withdrawals for the sub to work), but I hadn't had any pain pills in about 28 hours and I could tell it was only going to get worse. In 30 minutes, my blood pressure went up and my pulse went up (a sign of withdrawals) so we went ahead and gave it a shot (I figured, what the hell? I was definitely going to go in withdrawals if I didn't take the sub, so why not try it?)
I heard people talk about that instant relief they got from the sub..... I didn't get that..... In a few minutes, my pulse got more rapid, my blood pressure got a little higher (but, thankfully, it's normally on the low side, so it wasn't a concern), I got hot flashes..... I started thinking "What have I done?"
But that was it..... 45 minutes later they gave me another dose and, while I still didn't feel "normal", I didn't feel horrible either.
Wednesday they are going to give me an IV full of vitamins and minerals.... They've started me on heavy-duty vitamins for at home, put me back on an antidepressant (Zoloft), and, best of all, told me I could stay on the ambien!!!
I have to stay on this program for at least 6 months, but I don't care..... I can't relapse on this..... My way of thinking has always been "I can take a couple of pills at work; I won't overdo it this time" and it's always been my downfall. If I cheat on the sub, I'll either go into withdrawals or I won't feel a thing (and I won't take a bunch of pain pills if I don't feel the good effects from them)..... I'm sad I wasn't strong enough to do it the hard way, but hopefully this way will not only help me get off, but KEEP me off.
Sorry I haven't been on here a bunch.... School started back up and my son had strep throat (and he just got over walking pneumonia a few weeks ago - he doesn't get a break).......
Thanks for all of you who have been so supportive.... Sorry this post was so long!
Danielle
Hey Danielle,
My husband went the same route......tried and failed, and then went to sub.....
I give you credit for fighting and never giving up......admitting that you needed help.
I wish you all the best,
Hugs,
Tina
I hope you son gets better soon!
My husband went the same route......tried and failed, and then went to sub.....
I give you credit for fighting and never giving up......admitting that you needed help.
I wish you all the best,
Hugs,
Tina
I hope you son gets better soon!
Dani.......just wanted to say again how proud I am of you. Your honesty and determination amaze me. I know what a big week you have w/Mardi Gras and all, I wish you the best this week and many more to follow. Talk soon...
Thanks, guys.... I feel GREAT right now. I was just running down the hall, chasing my son (though the doc said to take it easy for a few days)..... I'm not sure how days 3-5 will go once the Norco is COMPLETELY out of my system, but I'm hoping for the best. I was so scared of the fatigue and depression that come with withdrawals..... last time, I couldn't go to work for 2-3 weeks because I had no energy....... THAT was the main reason I decided to get on the sub (that and because of my talks with John Dee about it.... thanks, John).
Tomorrow I might be singing a different tune, but today I feel good.....
Danielle
Tomorrow I might be singing a different tune, but today I feel good.....
Danielle
you wont even notice day 3 or 5 trust me on this one
good luck it has been a lifesaver for me
good luck it has been a lifesaver for me
Yep take it one day at a time... You should be so proud of yourself. Finally a step in the right direction. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have an addiction and to seek help for it... Good for you. Hoping all your days are filled with happiness.Rae
Thanks, Bad Attitude and Rae......
Admitting I have a problem is definitely the toughest part of all of this.... not coming clean with all of you on here or letting any of you down, because you all know where I'm coming from and have been here before. It's looking my husband in the eye and seeing the disappointment on his face when he finds a bottle of pills I had hidden..... It's letting him down when he trusts me and loves me and believes me when I say that I've quit.........
My stomach has been cramping a little bit, but it's very mild (it's also time for my Aunt Flo, so that may be causing the cramping as well). I have lots of energy. I'm smiling and talking so much my husband had to just walk away. Then tomorrow I start on the zoloft, so I'm hoping to continue living my life without skipping a beat.....
Admitting I have a problem is definitely the toughest part of all of this.... not coming clean with all of you on here or letting any of you down, because you all know where I'm coming from and have been here before. It's looking my husband in the eye and seeing the disappointment on his face when he finds a bottle of pills I had hidden..... It's letting him down when he trusts me and loves me and believes me when I say that I've quit.........
My stomach has been cramping a little bit, but it's very mild (it's also time for my Aunt Flo, so that may be causing the cramping as well). I have lots of energy. I'm smiling and talking so much my husband had to just walk away. Then tomorrow I start on the zoloft, so I'm hoping to continue living my life without skipping a beat.....
Danni, I am so proud of you. I broke down and took a codiene (and I hate those..) how long does it take for the meds to be out and withdrawl to kick in? I was in withdrawl this morning, but I popped some ulrtamm, my last 3.
Does anyone know how the withdrawls are getting off of sub?? Is it anything like methadone??
Hugs to you danni..and don't feel bad...I don't talk about my s*** until it is too late...
kerry
Does anyone know how the withdrawls are getting off of sub?? Is it anything like methadone??
Hugs to you danni..and don't feel bad...I don't talk about my s*** until it is too late...
kerry
Glad the sub is helping Danielle -- I know what you're talking about w/respect to letting the spouse down, what that feels like. But we can only move forward, right? You're definitely moving forward. Proud of you, M.
Kerry, when I get off pain pills (or, more like when I run OUT of pain pills), I usually start getting anxious about 12-24 hours after my last dose. At 24-36 hours, your body is clearing out the last of the hydrocodone, so I start sweating, getting hot and cold chills, and just feeling "bad"..... It's days 3-5 without the pills that usually have me feeling like I have the flu, the stomach pain and the electrical zaps and the high blood pressure and rapid heart beat.....
So when I went to the doctor today, I was only a little over 24 hours into it..... But the thing with withdrawals, you know it's only going to get worse, and it's the anxiety that makes it so bad for me.
Don't cheat before you go to the doctor today...... my heart rate had to be fast before they'd give me the sub and they did a urine screen to check for other drugs.....
Let me know how it goes...
D
So when I went to the doctor today, I was only a little over 24 hours into it..... But the thing with withdrawals, you know it's only going to get worse, and it's the anxiety that makes it so bad for me.
Don't cheat before you go to the doctor today...... my heart rate had to be fast before they'd give me the sub and they did a urine screen to check for other drugs.....
Let me know how it goes...
D
Welcome danelle!!!I have been on the sub for 22 days now,.Wow 22 days with no pain pills.That is a first in 12 years for me.For the first 2 weeks I felt so so good.My body & mind felt so strong.But as I found out yesterday my depression is back.Real bad so I had to go back on antideppressants.Its OK I'm still on the sub & though that crave for wanting to be high is still here it doesn't control me anymore.I think the mental craving may be something I'll have to fight my whole life,but at least I have a life to fight for.Being kinda new to the sub myself I'm still a work in progress but if I can help please feel free to ask me OK?Good Luck to you......mj
My doc gave me Zoloft as well because I have a history of depression, but I'm going to wait a couple of days before I take it..... I want to just take the sub for a few days to see how it works, to make sure it's at the right dose and all, then I'll start on the zoloft, too.
I've been so busy these last few weeks that I haven't found time to be on here.... but I took some much needed "me" time to get my act together (again) and thought I'd post to everyone on how I've been. Now that I'm off that roller coaster of getting high, then feeling guilty and depressed about it, then taking more because I have to work (then working more because I have to pay for them), etc, I'm going to try to make time at least once a day or once every other day to come on here.....
I've been so busy these last few weeks that I haven't found time to be on here.... but I took some much needed "me" time to get my act together (again) and thought I'd post to everyone on how I've been. Now that I'm off that roller coaster of getting high, then feeling guilty and depressed about it, then taking more because I have to work (then working more because I have to pay for them), etc, I'm going to try to make time at least once a day or once every other day to come on here.....
That rollercoaster is something we all know well.Yes try to get here when you can.Its a good place for support & friendship.And I know we will all be pullin for you.AND Cheering you for your sucsesses which I feel will be many....take care....mj
