Some of you may think I am scum, as I started dealing heroin to support my habit. I never made any money just enemies. I've been using now on and off for almost 5/6 years. I have kicked the habit for months on end, only to return to heroin use. I've found that the initial withdrawal isn't my problem - its how to deal with the little signs that you see everyday and can't avoid - that trigger an uncontrollable urge to get a fix.
Everythings seems different when you're clean. My girlfriend has been with me through thick and thin (bless her) but I found that I am always uncomfortable around her because I was doing anything to sneak off behind her back to fix before - and thats all I can remember about us even though we've been together for 8 years. She's such a beautiful, honest and kind girl. She's a teacher. We fell in love whilst very young. She could do a lot better than me - but I guess I was her 1st true love and she can't let go. I don't deserve her. She'd do anything for me - I wish I could say the same for her.
At the moment I have been clean only for about 2 months. I still can't sleep for more than 2/3 hours a night. This is the worst thing about it - lack of sleep. I tried tamarzipan but after a while I couldn't sleep without them so I wouldn't suggest them. Everyday is a battle - even though I don't have to rely on a fix to get through. Its haunting me and I can't get it out of my head. Everyday I say to myself, I wonder what 1 more fix would feel like. I used to have such a nice smile - just recently one of my top teeth has fallen out. It broke her heart. No one else knows about my addiction. Just my girlfriend and my dealers. I've told friends in the past, only to lose them after going back on it - so I wouldn't tell anyone ever again.
I am an intelligent person with qualifications, but I can't get a job because I haven't got the courage to be in a pressure situation without a fix. Even though its been 2 months since my last fix (counted everyday) I can think of nothing else. Its on my mind all the time. I've lost so much weight since. I feel like I am wasting away - & I really don't want to die yet. I tried getting help, subetex, but again that only really deals with withdrawal - not the mind games afterwards.
In the past I've tried building my self-esteem and confidence, but some how I allways end up back on it. Maybe I don't want it enough. (I do so badly more so for my girl than myself). I would like suggestions on how to keep occupied and get sleep really. Do brain implants really work? Thanks for you time.
Wow,
I can relate word for word. I'm in the same spot as you minus the 2 months clean time and girlfriend. I'm on Suboxone but still using off and on. I thought it acted like a blocker but, I guess it has to be a very high dose. If I'm on 8mg and shot two bags I'll feel it. I still get urges on 8mg. I guess I'm going to have to up the dose. Wise I can help you but, I can't help myself. I just want you to know I can relate and your not alone. Sit tight and I'm sure you and I will get plenty of feed back. This is a great site.
I can relate word for word. I'm in the same spot as you minus the 2 months clean time and girlfriend. I'm on Suboxone but still using off and on. I thought it acted like a blocker but, I guess it has to be a very high dose. If I'm on 8mg and shot two bags I'll feel it. I still get urges on 8mg. I guess I'm going to have to up the dose. Wise I can help you but, I can't help myself. I just want you to know I can relate and your not alone. Sit tight and I'm sure you and I will get plenty of feed back. This is a great site.
Here are 2 lines from my favorite band.
That one last shot's a Permanent Vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
That one last shot's a Permanent Vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Oh Jay hun, you're worth your freedom just keep telling yourself.
Take each day as it comes, and don't put too much pressure on yourself. Your gf obviously loves you, for you and she can see something special and believes in you - that's why she stays - not cause she can't let go of first love (belive me - I'm in her position exactly).
Be true to yourself, acknowlege your feelings however bad and needy and accept that it's OK to feel like this. Rationalise your urges and tell yourself over again that Jay is worth so much more and just one fix will take you a hundred steps back. Just breathe and breathe and focus on Jay 5 years time without heroin and wait for the urge to pass.
Have you considered councilling? Even if you have to pay cause it can help to speak to someone that isn't judging you about your innermost fears and they can help rationalise things with you. It helps to shed yourself of daemons that haunt you...and prevent you for giving in when you'er weak. It will help you be all that you can be and were intended to be.
As I've said, with just one post from you - I have no doubt that you are an intelligent, caring and genuine guy - what a waste if you sell your soul to heroin - what a f***ing waste.
Inside of you IS the strength to be free - it IS, say it every day when you wake and when you try to sleep - it wont' be long before you're in the blissful land of nod.
Do you exercise much? Even just a short walk a day will help with insomnia. Try to avoid too much sugar in your diet and eat a well balanced meal before bed - carbs help us and give us happy feelings. Try not to 'try to sleep' - you're destined for failure - all we can think about is sleeping and watch each passing hour on the clock - take that from a reformed insomniac! Do you read? This is far better than video games or TV before bed that can stimulate you too much. There's herbal calming tablets availble that are not physically addictive - although I guess it's easy to rely on things even when there's no physical need. When you're lying in bed waiting for sleep to take you - don't think about trying to sleep or how s*** you'll feel tomorrow without it - think about things that make you smile and happy - get lost in happy thoughts or something good you're going to do tomorrow or in the year - let those thoughts continue and maybe you'll hopefully drift off. White noise also helps (it does for me and my baby - the sound of a fan etc)
With regards to work - have you thought about going for a job with minimal pressure - even one you view as a bit of joke (working in macdonalds! - no offense to anyone that is/has - I worked for Mr Wimpy once!). This will occupy your time and help you build your confidence and slowly you could work towards a more fulfilling role using your intelligence moreso. Have you thought about volunteer work, or helping others - the reward is like nothing else and will boost your self-esteem no end.
Is there anything that interests you - new language etc? I'm going to start dancing again and it's alot of effort and comitment when there's shows or videos and I'm as shy as they get - believe me! But it really builds my confidence. And there's no better way to make friends - clean friends.
Why do you want to get clean more for your gf than yourself? It's you that ultimately benefits! Friends come and go, loved ones often go too - You'll always be you!!
As an exercise I got my bf to write down 1 list of everything good about heroin and life 5 years time still an addict and 1 list of everything to look forward to without it now and in 5 years time....and there was no comparison...maybe a similar list to read when your weak could help?
Sleep will come - and once it does things will start to fall into place.
Remember it will never be 1 more fix - it'll be a life time.
You are worth it - You do have the strength within - and you WILL do it this time.
I hope something of this may help, if not I hope it helps just to know that someone cares and keep us updated on your progress - sharing what often sounds like mindless spiel is often very thearaputic.
xx Katie xx
Take each day as it comes, and don't put too much pressure on yourself. Your gf obviously loves you, for you and she can see something special and believes in you - that's why she stays - not cause she can't let go of first love (belive me - I'm in her position exactly).
Be true to yourself, acknowlege your feelings however bad and needy and accept that it's OK to feel like this. Rationalise your urges and tell yourself over again that Jay is worth so much more and just one fix will take you a hundred steps back. Just breathe and breathe and focus on Jay 5 years time without heroin and wait for the urge to pass.
Have you considered councilling? Even if you have to pay cause it can help to speak to someone that isn't judging you about your innermost fears and they can help rationalise things with you. It helps to shed yourself of daemons that haunt you...and prevent you for giving in when you'er weak. It will help you be all that you can be and were intended to be.
As I've said, with just one post from you - I have no doubt that you are an intelligent, caring and genuine guy - what a waste if you sell your soul to heroin - what a f***ing waste.
Inside of you IS the strength to be free - it IS, say it every day when you wake and when you try to sleep - it wont' be long before you're in the blissful land of nod.
Do you exercise much? Even just a short walk a day will help with insomnia. Try to avoid too much sugar in your diet and eat a well balanced meal before bed - carbs help us and give us happy feelings. Try not to 'try to sleep' - you're destined for failure - all we can think about is sleeping and watch each passing hour on the clock - take that from a reformed insomniac! Do you read? This is far better than video games or TV before bed that can stimulate you too much. There's herbal calming tablets availble that are not physically addictive - although I guess it's easy to rely on things even when there's no physical need. When you're lying in bed waiting for sleep to take you - don't think about trying to sleep or how s*** you'll feel tomorrow without it - think about things that make you smile and happy - get lost in happy thoughts or something good you're going to do tomorrow or in the year - let those thoughts continue and maybe you'll hopefully drift off. White noise also helps (it does for me and my baby - the sound of a fan etc)
With regards to work - have you thought about going for a job with minimal pressure - even one you view as a bit of joke (working in macdonalds! - no offense to anyone that is/has - I worked for Mr Wimpy once!). This will occupy your time and help you build your confidence and slowly you could work towards a more fulfilling role using your intelligence moreso. Have you thought about volunteer work, or helping others - the reward is like nothing else and will boost your self-esteem no end.
Is there anything that interests you - new language etc? I'm going to start dancing again and it's alot of effort and comitment when there's shows or videos and I'm as shy as they get - believe me! But it really builds my confidence. And there's no better way to make friends - clean friends.
Why do you want to get clean more for your gf than yourself? It's you that ultimately benefits! Friends come and go, loved ones often go too - You'll always be you!!
As an exercise I got my bf to write down 1 list of everything good about heroin and life 5 years time still an addict and 1 list of everything to look forward to without it now and in 5 years time....and there was no comparison...maybe a similar list to read when your weak could help?
Sleep will come - and once it does things will start to fall into place.
Remember it will never be 1 more fix - it'll be a life time.
You are worth it - You do have the strength within - and you WILL do it this time.
I hope something of this may help, if not I hope it helps just to know that someone cares and keep us updated on your progress - sharing what often sounds like mindless spiel is often very thearaputic.
xx Katie xx
hey jay...im in the same boat as your girlfriend...she def does not stay with you because you are her 1st love...she just loves you to death...
ive been with my guy almost 2 yrs now...he is a heroin addict...uses suboxone...and has a drinking problem as well...it is tough on us(the girlfriends) no doubt about it...but she must see soemthing special in you...thats what i see in my guy anyway...and it makes walking away impossible...
i know what you are going through is so tough...but keep fighting!! i see my guy struggling every single day to stay away from the drugs...but it can happen...ppl do it everyday!!
ive been with my guy almost 2 yrs now...he is a heroin addict...uses suboxone...and has a drinking problem as well...it is tough on us(the girlfriends) no doubt about it...but she must see soemthing special in you...thats what i see in my guy anyway...and it makes walking away impossible...
i know what you are going through is so tough...but keep fighting!! i see my guy struggling every single day to stay away from the drugs...but it can happen...ppl do it everyday!!
Oh you guys are the best. Katie thanks for your advise, sounds good. I'm willing to try anything (legal) for a decent nights sleep. I realy feel for you and Brandy and anyone else who's had a loved one lost to the evil that is heroin.It's nice to know there are others out there, willing to share their pain with you and I know together we can all get through it.
I did used to play football (soccer) regularly so I think I'll take that back up. I read somewhere that exercise releases a "happy" chemical in your body so training is on the agenda - but gradually.
Once again I can't thank you guys enough, please stick by your partners. We're not bad people, we just got lost and now we want to come home. My prayers are with you all!
I did used to play football (soccer) regularly so I think I'll take that back up. I read somewhere that exercise releases a "happy" chemical in your body so training is on the agenda - but gradually.
Once again I can't thank you guys enough, please stick by your partners. We're not bad people, we just got lost and now we want to come home. My prayers are with you all!
Your home now - stay in the warm! Yup, enorphins are released they keep your immunity up as well!! All the best, stay strong and maybe come on here when you're resolve is weaken and read some stories - get advice and support - You can do it hun, you really can and you're worth it!
Jay..mate i wouldnt kick yerself over the lil a bit of dealing..i did it&all it brings is trouble&i just stuck more of the stuff up me arm..no flash motors or designer gear.Wish you the best in yer struggle...take care ..Davey
Hang in there dude, I've been clean for 2 years, and I was using real heavy. The thoughts that haunt you will go away eventually. Be strong and don't give in to it.
Jay, you are in a placee here we've all been scum bags......I think our own guilt lends to that mindset.......then how do we get any better if we can't get the self-esteem going?
Hang tight, pal. Two months is fabulous.......we were all at two months at one time.......actually I think you're turning round the bend right about now......I think I remember after the two months the demon finally let's go for a little bit....just a little though.....then TIME will have you see honestly it really does get better.
Man, I hear you on that sleep/insomnia thing.......always my worse hated part.
Sounds cliche' and you're probably already doing it......try to you know get in a habit......oh wait......well yeah a habit....if it's a positive thing then it's a good habit............the schedule thing.
I'm so sorry about your tooth........no need to suffer it now......best you lost a tooth than your life......you're doing great......good deal too on the sleeping med's........not sure if that was a benzo you said, but no matter you kicked the dope......you don't want to kicking something else.
All good things to your girl......you have a good support system......oh, and we all SNEAKED, all of us.........we hurt the people who love us most, BUT she must be awful proud of you now.......I loved your poem too.....good stuff.
Just keep going.........don't feed the monster........just keep on oing like you are, and you'll have a year in before you know it.
Hang tight, pal. Two months is fabulous.......we were all at two months at one time.......actually I think you're turning round the bend right about now......I think I remember after the two months the demon finally let's go for a little bit....just a little though.....then TIME will have you see honestly it really does get better.
Man, I hear you on that sleep/insomnia thing.......always my worse hated part.
Sounds cliche' and you're probably already doing it......try to you know get in a habit......oh wait......well yeah a habit....if it's a positive thing then it's a good habit............the schedule thing.
I'm so sorry about your tooth........no need to suffer it now......best you lost a tooth than your life......you're doing great......good deal too on the sleeping med's........not sure if that was a benzo you said, but no matter you kicked the dope......you don't want to kicking something else.
All good things to your girl......you have a good support system......oh, and we all SNEAKED, all of us.........we hurt the people who love us most, BUT she must be awful proud of you now.......I loved your poem too.....good stuff.
Just keep going.........don't feed the monster........just keep on oing like you are, and you'll have a year in before you know it.
Jay,
You have received some sound advice, my man was/ sometimes is an H user.
The mind games are huge, the emotional fears no one really tackles this but you have 2 months clean time. Will get back with more practical stuff.
stay strong
k
You have received some sound advice, my man was/ sometimes is an H user.
The mind games are huge, the emotional fears no one really tackles this but you have 2 months clean time. Will get back with more practical stuff.
stay strong
k
Hi Jay,
Sorry you aren't sleeping....
So many gave you some good advcie. I see you tried meds, thinking that was a benzo. Seems you realized you needed it to sleep and it might be the after effects of that causing your prolbem.
2 months clean is awesome, and well sleep should be better now. I know Robbie had some problems and posted about it. You might want to shout out to him and see if he has anything to offer....
Exercise will help, so will cutting caffiene, or limiting it to the early morning.
Another thing is maybe getting checked to make sure nothing else is going on like depression. Actually there is a good med used for sleep called trazadone which is an AD and is prescribed to many who are fighting heroin addiction. I hate to offer a pill as a cure in this but it may help. I know it helped my husband and he has stopped taking it with not much interuption of sleeping....
Give yourself time, all you need to get things right for you. It will all come together and be easier each day...
YOU ARE WORTH IT ALL!
Be good to you,
Love,
Tina
Sorry you aren't sleeping....
So many gave you some good advcie. I see you tried meds, thinking that was a benzo. Seems you realized you needed it to sleep and it might be the after effects of that causing your prolbem.
2 months clean is awesome, and well sleep should be better now. I know Robbie had some problems and posted about it. You might want to shout out to him and see if he has anything to offer....
Exercise will help, so will cutting caffiene, or limiting it to the early morning.
Another thing is maybe getting checked to make sure nothing else is going on like depression. Actually there is a good med used for sleep called trazadone which is an AD and is prescribed to many who are fighting heroin addiction. I hate to offer a pill as a cure in this but it may help. I know it helped my husband and he has stopped taking it with not much interuption of sleeping....
Give yourself time, all you need to get things right for you. It will all come together and be easier each day...
YOU ARE WORTH IT ALL!
Be good to you,
Love,
Tina
..Jay..
..The insomnia when ya trying to stay clean is a killer..it took me mths to get my sleep pattern back to be honest with ya..i never took no sleep aids..i took a couple of 10ml valium over a couple of days..but they did,nt do anything for me..just relaxed me a bit..i use to sit on this chair night after night..wide awake talking to people..getting my fustrations out..or reading other peoples stories..or just talking in general..maybe it did,nt help with the sleep..but it made me realise i was not the only person goin thru wot i was goin thru..i read books..wrote lyrics..wrote about how i was feeling..just doin anything to try get the thoughts of using and not being able to sleep outta my head..i did,nt wanna use other sleep aids..i just wanted everything out of me and did,nt wanna put anything in..as hard as it is..you,ve just gotta try hang in there..i can,t say you shud do this or do that..we,re all different and our chemical reaction to stuff is different if you get my meaning..i don,t know if any of this helps..it just looks pretty basic to me..but i can,t offer advice as i just fought day by day to stay clean..and wished the night was gonna be the night that i wud finally sleep..it did take a while for me to get my first nights sleep ( proper sleep )..but it was all worth in the end..as im clean and able to sleep well again..try stay strong in yourself and it will come to you..as your sitting there..the time goes soooooo slow..but looking back..the time has flown..i wish ya good luck mate..and hope you find peace of mind and get some sleep a.s.a.p...good luck in recovery aswell..Robbie..
..The insomnia when ya trying to stay clean is a killer..it took me mths to get my sleep pattern back to be honest with ya..i never took no sleep aids..i took a couple of 10ml valium over a couple of days..but they did,nt do anything for me..just relaxed me a bit..i use to sit on this chair night after night..wide awake talking to people..getting my fustrations out..or reading other peoples stories..or just talking in general..maybe it did,nt help with the sleep..but it made me realise i was not the only person goin thru wot i was goin thru..i read books..wrote lyrics..wrote about how i was feeling..just doin anything to try get the thoughts of using and not being able to sleep outta my head..i did,nt wanna use other sleep aids..i just wanted everything out of me and did,nt wanna put anything in..as hard as it is..you,ve just gotta try hang in there..i can,t say you shud do this or do that..we,re all different and our chemical reaction to stuff is different if you get my meaning..i don,t know if any of this helps..it just looks pretty basic to me..but i can,t offer advice as i just fought day by day to stay clean..and wished the night was gonna be the night that i wud finally sleep..it did take a while for me to get my first nights sleep ( proper sleep )..but it was all worth in the end..as im clean and able to sleep well again..try stay strong in yourself and it will come to you..as your sitting there..the time goes soooooo slow..but looking back..the time has flown..i wish ya good luck mate..and hope you find peace of mind and get some sleep a.s.a.p...good luck in recovery aswell..Robbie..
Stay strong baby!
I love u sooooooo much xxx
I love u sooooooo much xxx
Hi Jay
I was a "H" junkie aswell. My sister brought me your letter and told me to read it and reply if I had any advise. But before I start, let me tell you a little bit about myself.
I started using in '97 with a friend of mine(who passed away in 2002 due to an overdose) I first smoked it for a month or two and then I shot my first hit, I was hooked to that rush instantly and that was my downfall. I thought that there was no better feeling in the world, and I couldn't get enough. My first withdrawl was a nightmare, cause no-one told me that there was such a thing. I didn't know what was wrong until I went to the doctor. That was my first time I ever experienced, and I was using for about 4 months. This is where my problems started, I kept using to avoid the pain until I was send to my first rehab. I was there for 4 months and it was hell, not the withdrawls but the place. They broke me and told me I was no good until I started believing them. When I got out I was so depressed and suicidle that I used the first day I got back home. After that I've been in and out of rehabs for years. I came out of my last one on the 7th of August 2006.
I'm sitting at home, looking for work cause I moved from East London back to Pta where my mom stays. I can't tell you how frustrating it is not finding work and have to rely on someone else.
The first couple of weeks went ok, until I met an old friend, he's still using. I wasn't long until I used again. (stay away from old druggie friends at all costs!!!!!) One day became one week, luckely I stopped before it got out of hand. I'm still battling with the craving but it's getting better.
My point is I know what you are going though and the fact that you don't know what to do makes it worse. You have to find something to keep you busy, go fishing or go hiking over weekends, start something to keep your mind busy and find something that you enjoy. Start your own little business by making stuff, like beads, stuff with pieces of glass or, cleaning other peoples swimming pools for money, ANYTHING, just keep busy. Try think of something you enjoy and take it from there. That's what I'm doing now, with a little help from my parents.
Take it one day at a time, and think of all the good stuff you want out of life, and start working towards it. I'm going to do it cause this is my last chance to succeed. I haven't stayed clean but I'm going to try.
I hope my letter help you in a way, and if it does let me know, cause I learned alot while I was writing this to you.
Take care and stay clean, one day at a time.
A friend
JD
I was a "H" junkie aswell. My sister brought me your letter and told me to read it and reply if I had any advise. But before I start, let me tell you a little bit about myself.
I started using in '97 with a friend of mine(who passed away in 2002 due to an overdose) I first smoked it for a month or two and then I shot my first hit, I was hooked to that rush instantly and that was my downfall. I thought that there was no better feeling in the world, and I couldn't get enough. My first withdrawl was a nightmare, cause no-one told me that there was such a thing. I didn't know what was wrong until I went to the doctor. That was my first time I ever experienced, and I was using for about 4 months. This is where my problems started, I kept using to avoid the pain until I was send to my first rehab. I was there for 4 months and it was hell, not the withdrawls but the place. They broke me and told me I was no good until I started believing them. When I got out I was so depressed and suicidle that I used the first day I got back home. After that I've been in and out of rehabs for years. I came out of my last one on the 7th of August 2006.
I'm sitting at home, looking for work cause I moved from East London back to Pta where my mom stays. I can't tell you how frustrating it is not finding work and have to rely on someone else.
The first couple of weeks went ok, until I met an old friend, he's still using. I wasn't long until I used again. (stay away from old druggie friends at all costs!!!!!) One day became one week, luckely I stopped before it got out of hand. I'm still battling with the craving but it's getting better.
My point is I know what you are going though and the fact that you don't know what to do makes it worse. You have to find something to keep you busy, go fishing or go hiking over weekends, start something to keep your mind busy and find something that you enjoy. Start your own little business by making stuff, like beads, stuff with pieces of glass or, cleaning other peoples swimming pools for money, ANYTHING, just keep busy. Try think of something you enjoy and take it from there. That's what I'm doing now, with a little help from my parents.
Take it one day at a time, and think of all the good stuff you want out of life, and start working towards it. I'm going to do it cause this is my last chance to succeed. I haven't stayed clean but I'm going to try.
I hope my letter help you in a way, and if it does let me know, cause I learned alot while I was writing this to you.
Take care and stay clean, one day at a time.
A friend
JD
Thaks for all your thoughts people, it's proved very helpful. It is a battle every single day but one we're capable of winning. It's a s*** life waking up and having to take something thats doing so much harm to you - just to feel normal - like the rest of society. Coming up to 3 months now. Counting every single day, cuz I find it motivates me to know how long I've been clean. Sleeps also getting better but not quite there yet. For those of you still struggling - KEEP STRONG please. I want to, and want others to be examples of reformed addicts who can make a go of things.
how r u doing now?
still clean? - hope so m8!
still clean? - hope so m8!
It's all relative though is'nt it ? it's not really what age you were when you first tried smack it's how long you have had your habit and how many times you tried to withdraw. I find the more times you try to give up and fail the harder it gets, it's the snow ball effect. Each time you try to give up it chips away at your mental health and your stability, each time it gets harder and harder to face life without gear. People will never know what it's like to have been addicted to this evil s*** and what an enormous achievment it is to give it up for good, people will never know and they don't really care, why should they ? you have to do it for yourself, you will know what you have been through in order to get clean and you knowing within yourself what you have done should give you enough gratification to keep you clean or it should do.
