Step 5

Pain Pills
1
Well over a year and a half into my life and I am starting to work step number 5. I started writing last week, and I am still writing today. I started to write from the present amd head into the past--and then I stopped, and for me I had to strat at the onset of my addcited way of living. The past year and a half have been hard, but I have grown in so many ways and I am so much a better person. I have learned alot, and I am getting better with each passing day.

As I started to write down my wrongs, and who and what I did--the shame is so great. The first time I tried to kill myself was at the age of 8. f***ign 8 years old, what the fell was I thinking ? I remember taking about 20 ST Josephes asprins, the little pink ones and going to bed hoping that I would not wake up. I prayed so hard for god to take me, to just take me so that I could feel better. The reason I am sayign this is because that was the starting point of my self hatred, the way I started to think, and just how much I disliked who I was. I am not going to get into my 5th step here, as this is not the place for it--but I just wanted to share that I am being as honest as I can.

I recall everything that I did, who I did it to--I remember my first beer, my first joint,my first hit of coke, meth, and so on. I lived well over 30 years of my life abusing my body, my mind and hurting so many people.

I have not deceided who I am going to do my 5th step with, I am leaning towards my priest--and I have reasons for that. I also have to say that just writing down and reading and looking at my past has been such a healing process, and I am ready to let the shame go. What I have learned over these months is that stayign clean is 1 thing, building new good and healthy friendships are one thing, but letting the shame and fear go---is goign to be the true start of a new life for me. How can I get better if I keep all the mental toxic waste in me ? I remember early on, like 3 months into this I was told to do my 5th step---and I knew I was not ready---I am glad I waited this long because I know have a GREAT foundation of support, and I have a great bond with god. O am not alone now, I am starting to become at man at the age of 41---and how good that feels.

None of this may make sense to anyone, but it does to me---again I want to thank those of you on this board that have helped me, guided me, and shoed me by example---Thank you

Mike
2


It makes a lot of sense to me, Mike. Nice to see you.

Rachel
3
Mike
Once you get rid of this crap and get on with 6 and 7 you'll feel so much better. Taking action is the key to recovery. Congratulations on your new life. I found that once I finished my 5th and all my "dirty little secrets" were told, my guilt and shame went away. Along with that went my depression and a lot of anxiety. I'm not ashamed to talk about my past any more. I found that no matter how bad I thought I was, there was always someone that had done the same.
4
Mike
do you have a sponsor? I was just wondering why you wanted to do the 5th with a priest instead of your sponsor. when i was going to do my 5th i didnt want to do it with my sponsor either, i wanted to do it with a priest--and i dont even go to church or follow any religion!! But i ended up doing it with my sponsor and remember being so happy that i did. After i told her everything i realized im not so special, different or unique from other alcoholics and addicts. And the things i was so afraid to tell her, well she ended up doing those things too and a whole lot worse!!! anyway, it turned out great-- and whoever you do yours with i wish you the best!!!! Fire
5
I have heard that the 5th step is the MOST important step in order for youto really get on with your new life and if you dont you will have that shame over whelm you please find someone ASAP that you trust with your life!!! Good luck and good job this is not easy stuff you have done!!!!
6
The reason I want to do this with my priest is because I have found that I have gotten this far with the help of finding god, and allowing myself to accept that god will never let me down. My luck with other people has not been as good. I am starting to gain trust of others, but for me getting clean, and staying clean and fighting this battle daily--it has all been because I wake up and thank god, I talk to him all day long, and I thank him for getting me threw another day. I understand this might not be what others think or feel, but for me getting sober has not been just about not using pills, it has been about looking deep inside, and looking at the outside, and looking at what and who is around me---and learning to accept it all---I am living 1 day at a time, as hard as that is sometimes, and just enjoying what I have. I never thought I had enough, and now I know that I always have had what I need and some.

This is a hard step to take, I have had to visit areas that have been locked up for a long time, and it feels good to know that I can look at what I have written, and feel ok about it. Sharing it will only make me stronger---

Mike