Still Addicted To The Addict

Hi guys
Hope you are all doing well.

I just need some advice today or some inspiring words.
I've posted before and told my story and i told you guys i'm letting go, but here i am again today, i still haven't let go.
Just to give a quick overview :
I've been dating a heroine and khat addict on and off for almost 7 years. I love him dearly and stood by him through everything, stood by him through all the arguments with my parents, his parents, the times he's been in and out of rehab. Things go well for a couple of days and then he's back to his old ways, lies and habits. I don't know what to do anymore, it's way too difficult to just walk away. And i'm sure you guys know what i'm talking about. It's so easy for an outside person to say let go let go let go and leave him leave him leave him. But when you're in the situation yourself and you love that person with all your heart it's not that easy. It's easier said than done.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have NEVER thrown his drug-abuse or habit in his face, infact i never even judged him. Or said anything to his face about it making him out to be a bad person. He says that he loves me and the time we spend together is absolute heaven but it's the times when we're apart when the doubt grows and i go into a frenzy when he doesn't call or speak to me for days. Always wondering what i did wrong or if he's sick and tired of me.
I've always been good to him, and only giving my best in this relationship and always trying to understand. But today, i'm lost for words.

I've done lots of research on drug abuse and i've been trying to understand but i just can't. I've even considered to try a form of drugs myself just to see what it is about and maybe then i'll understand better.... But i'm way too scared to even go that route.

Someone told me, that addicts only use and abuse people and they portray an image of love and sincerity and they'll tell you that they adore and love you but it's all lies. Now that for me is really difficult to believe, addict or not i can't believe that a human being will be so cruel. I'm sure this isn't true, is it ?

And the way he treats me when we're together is undescribable.
What should i do?

I can't just walk away, i love him and i'm willing to do anything and give him my support.


May God bless all of you in your road to recovery.

Love
T
Please don't try it for yourself - it is exactly what I did to see why my boyfriend couldn't/wouldn't stop for me and it has messed things up for me big-style. I am now in the same boat with him and have so much to lose.

Yeah me and my boyf are still together but it doesn't make the relationship any better - if anything makes it harder cos neither of you are thinking rationally.

Help your boyfriend (if you want/need to) by all means but don't take that step, it will do nothing for you except mess things up further.

You sound like an intelligent woman - don't be stupid.

Talk to me if you think it might help?

L
xx
Thanks for your reply Laulau, i really appreciate it.

I don't want to let go and i want to help him, but how.
Saying goes. you can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink. It's untimately his choice to stop or not.

What i said in my previous post "Someone told me, that addicts only use and abuse people and they portray an image of love and sincerity and they'll tell you that they adore and love you but it's all lies. Now that for me is really difficult to believe, addict or not i can't believe that a human being will be so cruel. I'm sure this isn't true, is it ? " What is your opinion on that ?

It feels like he's punishing me for no reason by not calling me or returning my msg's. And he's not being open and honest with me about his addiction. He constantly tells me that he's been clean for so long bla bla bla, but i know and i've seen it with my own eyes that he's not. But i just let it pass by and say nothing cos i'd rather avoid the confrontation and bad vibes between us.

He's such a wonderful person and when we're together he treats me like a princess. And when our friends and family see us together they always compliment us on being the perfect couple and always being so happy and inlove. But why do i now get the idea that this is all fake ? Am i wrong and just reading too much into things ?

What do i do .....
Hi

No it's not all lies - we have feelings obviously, I hate hurting people whether I am using or not BUT at the same time when I feel bad about myself for things that I have done/am doing then the gear can take those feelings away, not forever but for a while. That is where the attraction lays, with me and my boyfriend anyway.

I never understood why when I used to threaten my boyfriend with 'I'll leave you' etc that he would be gutted, beg me not to but would not stop using, since I have been using he has issued the same threats to me but they don't go anywhere cos you can just have some H and it doesn't exist anymore, it's not not caring - more being unable to deal with the very real and deep emotions. I hope this makes sense - he probably loves you very much but is having a hard time - of course I can't say this for certain as I don't know him.

I hope this is of some help? Other people on here will possibly disagree with some/all of what I have said but this is just my personal opinion and I hope it can be of some assistance.

L
xxx
Hey T
Long time no hear. I keep checking my mail & never see your name come up. Where u been? Hope u are okay. T, I'm not gonna say anything to u cos you already know exactly whats gonna come outa my mouth cos I have told you the same thing over and over. In the end you can only take care of yourself.
Hope to hear from you soon. Love angie
Hey Ang ....
Just sent you email.
Luv
T
Hi there Talula.
My name is gary,, and I know exactly ehat you are going through as I put my girlfriend through most probably the same things as your man has been putting you through I was with my girlfriend for 5 years and had 2 kids with her even though we have separated now she and me are still very much in love but the reason for us being apart now is she has lost all the tust she has for me but slowly I think we are rebuilding things I know it is going to take alot of time and effort on my behalf but you know something Talula,, I think that if we do get back together we will be stronger than ever
I know what you mean when you dont know if he loves you or not,, by the way he will disapear for days/weeks or possibly even months without you hearing from him but you can take it from me that he will love you more than you will probably ever know
If what you say is true about both of yous being like a perfect couple when you are together well that should be a sign that he really does love you very much as if he didn't love you that much he wouldn't turn to you when he needs you
I find that when you are an addict and you are starting to get in a realy bad way you either run away or stay and feel that you are really hurting the person you love
Me i'm one of the people who run as I feel so ahamed of myself that I just cn't face my beloved aileen because when I am really bad I don't want her to see me in this way as that is not the person she fell in love with the person she fell in love with was a fit, healthy and very confident guy and when you are bad on the gear all of that just goes,, and how can you face the person that you know has put so much love and trust into the relationship,, to me personally Talula it just wasn't fair,, but also what isn't fair is being able to turn to that person and share the problems you are going through as I now know that Aileen would have wanted me to ask her to help me as we all know thats what a relationship is all about being able to help one another through our times of need,, but when it comes to something as hard as drug addiction it is very hard to put that onto your prtner and when you are a man you just feel that you have lost your dignity and that really means alot to a man
But when someone says to you that he doesn't love you,, well that is copmlete garbage,, don't ever listen to that from anybody because how do they know how your man feels about you,, he obviously loves you very much and that is what him disapearing is all about

So Talula if you do really love him try to stick with it,, but let him know that you are not ashamed of him
and let him know that you would be much more proud of him if he lets you know how he is really feeling because i'm sure he loves you more than you understand
Let him know that you will be with him always and try as hard as you can to get him to go and get some help with you by his side because it helps if you have got someone there all the time
Even though me and Aileen are apart she was there wiht me all the way even though i am now in ireland she is always on the phone to me and just to hear her voice,, it gives me alot of steghnth to know that i am now making her happy and it gives me a reason to keep battling through this and you know what I think I have really done it this time

Good Luck Talula,, and remember dont listen to other people who are giving you all these nagative thoughts,, take advice from people but you must ultimately follow your heart Take Care and if you need to talk just give me a shout
Talula I am sure your bf loves you but he loves the H more. Has he forgotton the H for weeks at a time to be with you? i doubt it. At this point you have to put yourself first, Ask yourself some serious questions. Are you willing to settle for a bf who puts himself first? Who loves H more than You? I am not saying this to be cruel. I fell head over heels in love with your bf over 15 years ago. I am still struggling with opiate withdrawls today. I just hate seeing people going down the same stupid road I went down. Step back and take an objective look at situation. You deserve so much more,like someone who loves you for you,and is capable of returning that love.
hello friends,
I tend to disagree with the notion that us addicts love our H more then our loved ones. I do not love heroin. In fact, I hate it. I think we all do, because no matter how much we want to stop, how much it screws up everything else around us, how much it hurts the people we love, we still go back to it. Not because we have the kind of unconditional love that mother's have for their kids, but because the fact is, we can't feel secure without it. Our brains are lacking the chemicals that make us feel content. It's very hard to spend time with your loved one and give them all of the love and attention they deserve and you want to give them when you're head is on fire and your brain doesn't even let you formulate one thought that doesn't have to do with scoring heroin. The fact is, as addicts, our brains physically will not let us think of anything else. It is out of our control.
Talula, I don't doubt that your boyfriend loves you very much, but like Gary said, when he's got the "monkey on his back" (I don't know who posted that earlier but i liked it :)), all the love in the universe isn't going to get it off of him, but 50 mg's of powder will. When I would drive to my dealer's house after my girlfriend called me yelling and screaming because she knew where I was going, I'd smack my head against the steering wheel, curse myself, pray to god, cry, you name it, wishing she'd understand why I was doing this. We have a physical ailment and all I can say is he has to find the energy to break it. It's an immensely difficult task but it's the only way you can get him back. Otherwise you'll be sharing him with it. It is not love we have for this crap. It's a need, like breathing air. I hope i'm not bringing you down by saying this but I just feel that there's a much more physical aspect to heroin addiction (compared to other drugs) that isn't acknowledged. what does anyone else think? good luck and god bless
Talula,
I'm sorry for your heartache. Being an addict sucks, i love the drugs when i'm high, but when i come down, i hate everything about them, including myself. its something how much power a sustance can have over you. Its there all the time, if i'm not high i'm sick and craving it. But i can tell you one thing LOVE is very powerful!! even more powerful than H! I'm sure he loves you, but the drugs make it difficult to see. I know i am ashamed of you habits and many other addicts are too. I tend to run away from those who love me because i'm afraid that i will hurt or destroy that love. i have been with my husband for 7 years, but when i'm high i know i get mean and defensive with him. I love him more than words can say, but with the drugs you would never know that. {he knows i love him} I'm sorry i can't be much help. but please stay away from the drugs!! If you love him show him, and i'm sure if he loves you he will show it in return. Please be strong, you'll find your way out of the dark times. Good luck and remember we are all here to talk.
much luv
raerae
Hi well I too was in your situation and for the safety of myself and my kids had to turn to the tough love route. Altough he still uses that his choice I made a choice not to be afflicted by the choice he made.

His choices robbed me of security, safety, emotional stability, financial stability, and a host of other joys life has to offer. It may sound selfish, but not anymore selfish than the years of walking on eggshells.

My son asked me today "why did I not stick up for him when he was treating him wrong." That comes from a nine year old 15 months after he has been out of the house.

The only thing I can suggest to you is that you find a support group in your area for co-dependency. Where you can openly discuss and get the support you need to help you through this difficult time. It has helped me tremendously. I thank God for all he has done and for the freedom to sleep at night.

I am sure your boyfriend loves you the way he knows how to love you but the heroin comes first. And until HE CHOOSES TO CHANGE nothing changes. Life as you have known it is the life you will have....

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a dfferent result each time.

Sanity is wholeness of mind: making decisions based on the truth.

I pray that I may have helped. Just as he can only decide for himself only you can decide for yourself if you would like to "talk" some more mye mail is aplus22001@yahoo.com

Take care and God Bless!!!!
Hi guys

Thanks so much for your replies
It's really appreciated

Will post again tomorrow, just a lil busy at work.

God bless and hope you all have a wonderful day !

:) T