It's been awhile... I try to catch up on here every so often but also keep a distance so my brain doesn't go into all-encompassing spiral about everything to do with my brother.
He's still on the wild roller coaster of addiction. He recently was caught with drugs (2 different kinds) and was in jail awaiting charges on 2 felony accounts - until my Aunt bailed him out. Now he's out gallivanting around and back to his old habits/antics. But lately he has been telling my mom that he's tired of doing this and he's ready to do his time and not worry about the day to day and start over (he's still homeless and who knows what he does with his days, not sure I really ever want to know). I wish he wasn't bailed out of jail because then we wouldn't have to worry as much about him ODing or getting into more trouble or not showing for his next court hearing (which I'm like 95% sure he probably won't show for).
But mostly I still just feel sad. Sad that he's not the brother I grew up with and has turned into this person I don't really know. Sad that he is stuck in the hell of addiction; he's so far in and probably feels so helpless that he'll never get out. I pray that he finds the strength to believe in himself and realize he has the support system when he's really ready to get the help he needs. He deserves a better life and I hope one day soon he will start fighting for it.
All the while trying to keep myself from getting too down about this because I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. Control is the big one for me. I want so badly to be able to help fix things for him and I know I can't do that, no matter how hard I try. This is the toughest part of having someone you love tangled in this disease.
I think of you all often and keep you and your struggling loved ones in my thoughts and prayers.
hi - thanks for posting the update. it brought tears to my eyes. you are such a caring sister. I am sure your brother knows that and he knows you can not do anything to fix it.
my son is recently in recovery - 2 months. it is still hard. it is still sad. it is painful to think of how many years have gone by. and how slow recovery is. just because you take away the meds, they still have a lot to deal with and years of avoiding. and too much time for the body and brain to repair. they want it to be faster and we want it to be faster. but it isn't. a month feels like a year.
he might be starting to think that going to jail will get him off the street and time to rest and repair.
keep in touch! continue to take care of your self and stay out of the drama. don't exhaust yourself.
my son is recently in recovery - 2 months. it is still hard. it is still sad. it is painful to think of how many years have gone by. and how slow recovery is. just because you take away the meds, they still have a lot to deal with and years of avoiding. and too much time for the body and brain to repair. they want it to be faster and we want it to be faster. but it isn't. a month feels like a year.
he might be starting to think that going to jail will get him off the street and time to rest and repair.
keep in touch! continue to take care of your self and stay out of the drama. don't exhaust yourself.
Hi Stressed,
I am so glad you posted. I think it helps to share and realize we are not alone. I go through this with my son, remembering him when he was younger. In a similar way, I could have written your post tonight. It is hard not to dip into the "what ifs" and chase after changing them. Tonight, my son was in a daze and totally miserable. It is hard for me to accept that he does not want help, doesn't want to change, can't see his potential. It is a very helpless feeling.
It is hard to love an addict (understatement!). I understand your wanting him in jail to be safe. It is too bad he was bailed out.
Take care of yourself and please keep sharing. We are all in very difficult spots and need to keep moving forward/take care of ourselves.
I am so glad you posted. I think it helps to share and realize we are not alone. I go through this with my son, remembering him when he was younger. In a similar way, I could have written your post tonight. It is hard not to dip into the "what ifs" and chase after changing them. Tonight, my son was in a daze and totally miserable. It is hard for me to accept that he does not want help, doesn't want to change, can't see his potential. It is a very helpless feeling.
It is hard to love an addict (understatement!). I understand your wanting him in jail to be safe. It is too bad he was bailed out.
Take care of yourself and please keep sharing. We are all in very difficult spots and need to keep moving forward/take care of ourselves.
