Well , somthing stange happened to me last night.
I have not been sleeping much at all so last night at about 1:30am I was up watching tv in the living room. I saw head lights pull up and from the sound of the mufferless car I knew right away who it was. My friend Becky and her boyfriend came walking up the driveway and walked in. She said she seen the tv on. Late night visits from these people are not uncommen . Right away I knew it was not good. Beckys old man was leaning on my wall and mummbling on and on about someone I dont know and Becky was standing there itching . Were talking like non stop scratching all over . We all know about the itchys right . Well I was looking at these "friends" of mine and thinking "man I know I never acted as dumb as this" wishfull thinking I know. Becky put her purse on the table and went on to take out a doller bill , a driving lisens and, a quarter . I new what was coming next . As I watched she took out the last 2 items . 2 little green 80 ocxys . uh oh. She walked to the counter and crushed them up . She made 3 nice big fat lines and sniffed hers . Matt, her man went and did his. He walked up to me and handed me the rolled up doller bill . I took it . (Now wait a min guys let me finish ok.) I did take the bill yes and I walked over to my kitchen counter, I was not sure exacly what I was going to do . Becky broke the thoughts in my head by acking for somthing for her cotten mouth . I told her to look in the frige . They were rooting around the frige grabbing pops "sodas" so I took this time to pick up her I.D. and scrape my line into the sink . I turned on the water untel there was nothing left but a shiny metal sink . Well I was feeling mighty proud of myself as I sat there pretending I was listing to them . Then it hit me what I had done . I could have easily said "Thanks guys but no thanks . I quit doing ocxys . Yep me, 5 days now and still riding that wagon . " But I didnt say any of those things. Insted I acted like I did indeed sniff the line . Why would I do that ? I started to think about what just happened and tryed to make sence of it. I came up with a few things. 1, fear of cutting off a contact . But no because I am the one who mostly hooks Becky up. 2 losing these people as friends because I quit . I dont think so , I hardly like these 2 . 3 fear of them laughing at me and trying to presure me into it . No one likes a quitter right . I think this one holds the most merrit . If I tell them I stoped useing I fear they will turn on the good old peer pre. I do not think I am ready to defend myself from people like myself . But anyway after the pride was replaced by the relization of my not having the balls to tell these people about my hard won 5 days I started to feel really strange. It was hard to breath . I was looking at thire mouths moving but all I caould hear was " Mandy oh man you are such a chicken s*** girl . " All of a sudden I wanted these people out of my house like they were carrying the Black Pleage . I told them I was not feeling well and I needed a hot bath and then bed . They at least made there way to the door and outside. I said "Yeah hey thanks for the buzz guys " and shut the door . I sat up most of the night a wondered why I had faked doing my line insted of just telling them I did indeed quit. It is strange dont you think . I even went as far as to wipe my nose as if there could have been some white stuff on it. I still dont understand why I did that. Do you ? I was so proud at first for passing this test but now I dont know if the test was really aced . Do you see what I am getting at ? Well I am just glad my sink took the hit and not my nose . Thanks for letting me blab .
Mandy
Dear Mandy Im so proud of you.What you did took alot of guts & just goes to show you how far you have come.Yes you could of said no,but the fact remains that you didnt take it.So how are you feeling today.I hope your proud of yourself.If you go & read your old post than that one you can see the steps you have taken....mj
no mandy , thats not strange a bit to me, icompletly understand those actions. cant say it was completly right but sure as hell wasnt wrong... you did great
mandy,
i ,personally think you did a great jod..possible not quiet the way to go about it.
but then everyone handles things in there on way...
be proud of youself, do you know just how easy it would have been to
go ahead and do it just as you've done countless times before?
i think if you'd told them that you'd have stopped, w/ them being high
i think you're right they would given you a hard time..and w/ you in this
early stage of recovery, it would have been really hard...
i for one am very proud of you....
dj
i ,personally think you did a great jod..possible not quiet the way to go about it.
but then everyone handles things in there on way...
be proud of youself, do you know just how easy it would have been to
go ahead and do it just as you've done countless times before?
i think if you'd told them that you'd have stopped, w/ them being high
i think you're right they would given you a hard time..and w/ you in this
early stage of recovery, it would have been really hard...
i for one am very proud of you....
dj
Baby steps Mandy. Bottom line you didn't use.
The person you are today is getting stronger all the time. You were presented with an opportunity in early recovery to learn and grow. Progress not perfection right?
Why not consider calling your friend and telling her you've quit. That way you won't get anymore late night visits. Remember, you are in control.
Jim
The person you are today is getting stronger all the time. You were presented with an opportunity in early recovery to learn and grow. Progress not perfection right?
Why not consider calling your friend and telling her you've quit. That way you won't get anymore late night visits. Remember, you are in control.
Jim
Mandy,
First of all... HOT DAMN!! Good for you girl. Talk about walking into the lion's den (or having the lion's den walk in to your house). Do yourself a favor - for now, don't focus on how you think you should have handled the situation better, or been more honest, or why you didn't admit to these people that you've QUIT. Instead, focus on what an amazing accomplishment it was for you to be able to resist the monumental temptation to use again. Focus on where that strength came from. What made you decide to flush it down the drain? How did you feel about doing that? How did you feel afterwards? How do you feel right now? Write this stuff down, not for us but for yourself.
They tell us in NA that we need to create new associations, new friends, cut off ties with the people and places we used to use. I'm sure you'll do that, but nobody expects it to happen immediately, and I don't know of too many people who have faced such a "test" so early in their recovery and passed it.
Give yourself a break about being hard on yourself for not being honest with them... better to be honest with yourself and not use than to be telling friends that you're not using when you are. (as I have done in the past)
Thanks for sharing that, it was great inspiration to start my day.
Matt
First of all... HOT DAMN!! Good for you girl. Talk about walking into the lion's den (or having the lion's den walk in to your house). Do yourself a favor - for now, don't focus on how you think you should have handled the situation better, or been more honest, or why you didn't admit to these people that you've QUIT. Instead, focus on what an amazing accomplishment it was for you to be able to resist the monumental temptation to use again. Focus on where that strength came from. What made you decide to flush it down the drain? How did you feel about doing that? How did you feel afterwards? How do you feel right now? Write this stuff down, not for us but for yourself.
They tell us in NA that we need to create new associations, new friends, cut off ties with the people and places we used to use. I'm sure you'll do that, but nobody expects it to happen immediately, and I don't know of too many people who have faced such a "test" so early in their recovery and passed it.
Give yourself a break about being hard on yourself for not being honest with them... better to be honest with yourself and not use than to be telling friends that you're not using when you are. (as I have done in the past)
Thanks for sharing that, it was great inspiration to start my day.
Matt
Mandy I think you did great!!! I have not gotten to where you are quite yet, I have cut my percocet use in half. I did run into one of my dealers last friday, and I told her that i came clean to my husband and if I can't taper down myself this month that I am going to rehab. She said she could tell there was something going on with me from the last time we had talked (she called me a few days before with a good deal on your OLD doc, some 80's) and I said I was broke-never ever said that before. Anyway when I told her about me quitting she looked kind of sad and said she wished she could. She looks like your typical addict, she probally weighs 90 lbs, and is a total mess not like i am better than her or anything, we are the same on the inside. But my point is you never know becky might be ata the end of her rope too? Before i end this I have to add before she walked out the door about an hour later (I saw her at a resturant/bar) she did offer me some vic's. ?????
Hi Mandy! I am new here and have not posted until now. I read your post and understand you are now 5 days clean. I think you displayed incredible "balls" by NOT using 5 days into withdrawal. I have been there and probably would not have been so strong, I dunno.
At this point you do not need pressure or confrontation so, personally, I think you did the best thing. You can tell your "friends" that you quit using at a later time, when you are feeling stronger. Anyway, good for you!
At this point you do not need pressure or confrontation so, personally, I think you did the best thing. You can tell your "friends" that you quit using at a later time, when you are feeling stronger. Anyway, good for you!
Wow..could I have been as strong as you. No. You are a very smart girl..you've got all of the right questions going on in that brain of yours...you're one of the ones that's going to get it.
What are you doing for support?
Everyone gave you excellent advice.....
Cowgirl
What are you doing for support?
Everyone gave you excellent advice.....
Cowgirl
